No where to turn, nobody deserves this....

[justbyathread]

I heard somewhere that God never gives one more than they can handle?? I sure would like to believe that but now I wonder. Ive been with my wife for 16 yrs now. we have one beautiful 9 yr old daughter. I thought we had a strong relationship. usual ups and downs but I dont think we actually raised our voices once in the 16 yrs. It started last fall when my wife started going out more with work friends. Little things i felt. its true trust your gut. I started questioning her and of course I was crazy. Then after a work trip to new york, I knew something was wrong. Of course she even swore on the bible she would never do such a thing. Long story short, I had to use a tracker and a voice recorder in her vehicle. Once caught she confessed. turns out her work buddy is on family #2. In my wifes eyes she will be #3. sad to say but after cheating on his first wife she committed suicide leaving him with one child. now with wife 2 he has 3 children and doing it again with my wife. fast forward 8 months to now, they still are going strong. Only difference is his wife doesnt know. I dont know what happen to my wife? right from day 1 of being caught i have been the bad guy. she says hes leaving his wife but you would think after we started our divorce if he truely felt the same he would too. to make matters worst we still live under the same house. my lawyer had to force her to get one of her own after 6 months. before or after work they meet up in parking garages or at the local shopping center where they can be one car around 100s.. Its like my wife is a teenager again in her mid 40s. They hide it from their work due to they have too given their occupation. I try to go on but every time she walks through the door ..... well you know. I try to show her websites on where this will lead but that turns into a fight. Im tired of bouncing from sadness to anger. these lawyers take so long. Our little one just found out recently and puts added stress on me. the children always get hurt the worst. Every day this past 8 months is a nightmare. ive been seeing a therapist but it really isnt helping. I know i need to get out of here to start healing but truth be known being alone at mid40s scares me too. Just to finish this post i also want to say that it is not the caught her moment that hurts the most. its her continuing this with him and having no compassion or care for what she is doing to me living under the same roof.

[PegNosePete]

Good afternoon,

Sorry for your situation. This sounds like a terrible way to live.

 

But I'm afraid you have to mind your own business. It is clear that your marriage is over. The lawyers are doing their stuff (albeit slowly). In the meantime you have to take a step back from her and her problems. This other guy and his relationship with your STBX is not your concern. You are not her husband any more, except on paper. It's not your job to look out for her or her well-being any more.

 

You need to get the living arrangements sorted ASAP so that your nose isn't being rubbed in it all the time.

[gemini6]

Alright, here is what you MUST do..the 180. You have to get out and do things for you, you have to quit worrying about her and LET HER GO. You've been like this for 8 months? Wow, I can't imagine that kind of hurt - look, he is most likely not going to leave his wife and you have to let your wife go and be this man's side piece - she will get her karma, believe me.

The 180 is pinned at the top of the board under critical readings - read it study it, do it, live it! STOP feeding your wife's ego by hanging on - DON"T ask her questions, DON'T try to talk to her about your marriage, DON'T let her see you upset or angry - DO be happy that she is no longer your problem, DO be active and busy as much as possible, DO find a new hobby, DO go to the gym, DO, buy some new clothes...start gearing up for being a happy fun attractive single guy DO find a female friend to hang out with I'd take the guys wife out for some coffee and let her in on the big secret, and then take her out for dinner! Lol..I'd tell my wife that I was fine with trading her in for some younger, hotter. more fun woman - and maybe the guys wife is a fox...you never know!

I told my H's affair partner that I would take her young buff husband and she could have my flabby 40 something H and I told my H to go choke on the greener grass..

YOU have to adjust your attitude and STOP pretending that your wife is something special, she's NOT - she's a liar and a cheater and the new guy can have that ****..because YOU can do much better. Think about it: You don't need her, she's willing to throw you away so that she can be 2nd in line for a man that already has a wife?? nahhh..he can definitely have that ****!!

YOU need to let her know that YOU can do better and deserve better and she can go stand in line for a bread crumb from her new guy..gag!

[Bufo]

Your goal has to be to get out of infidelity. Not to reconcile. Not to divorce. But to get out of infidelity. And you cannot do that by seeking her agreement. In her A mind she is not doing wrong but only getting what she deserves in life.

 

Since she is proceeding with the divorce your path is fairly clearly marked. As many have posted here before, you cannot R with a spouse still in the affair.

 

That is why the 180 is recommended. It is designed to help you detach. The first step for you to get out of infidelity. Once you begin detaching what she does with her life becomes a smaller issue. Leaving you with more time to heal yourself and more time to protect your relationship with your child.

 

Now for the congratulations. First you have legal help. Too many newly betrayed spouses are fearful of seeing a lawyer.

P

Second, you are posting here. Collectively we have way too much personal knowledge of infidelity and it's aftermath. Read some threads and you'll get a feel of who s who here. Take what advice suits your situation.

 

Third you have sought counseling. Maybe your C is a bad fit or doesn't work with the destruction an A causes. I'm sure others will post in detail about counselors.

 

We understand your fear of being alone. But you should ask yourself whether being alone can be worse than the hell of infidelity you find yourself in through no fault of your own

[KBarletta]

Lots of good advice here. The most important thing, which has been stated here, is to get yourself OUT of this situation. It's clear your marriage is over. Your job is now to move on and take care of yourself first, not to concern yourself her or her affair or whether you are the bad guy.

 

The fact is, as long as she is in her affair fog, you are going to be the bad guy in her mind no matter what you do, and she isn't going to care one bit how this makes you feel. Believe me, I have been there (still there, in a way). So try to put that aspect of it out of your mind. The only thing you can do to help yourself is to get out of this situation and move on. That way, you can build a new life, and those fears of being alone and all of the hurt will slowly fade into the background. But that can't happen if you are reliving the pain every day.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know i need to get out of here to start healing but truth be known being alone at mid40s scares me too. Just to finish this post i also want to say that it is not the caught her moment that hurts the most. its her continuing this with him and having no compassion or care for what she is doing to me living under the same roof.

 

You're letting fear rule your life and she's perfectly happy to assist you in doing so. Rather than be alone (which by the way, you wouldn't have to be ), you'd rather live like this? Hard to believe.

 

As you've learned the hard way, you can't control her, only in charge of you. The good news is that she can only continue to make you feel like shyte if you allow her to do so. Control your interactions with her, you take away her power to hurt you.

 

Start with the 180, much info on it available on this forum. Keep posting, let us know how you're doing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kwacker39]

Hi there , I feel your pain - I've posted a similar story in ' separations ' entitled heartbreak . It's only been 10 days since my wife of 21 years actually admitted to seeing another man although I've suspected it for a lot longer . I can't believe how she has looked me in the eyes time and time again and lied to me . There is some good advice on here which I need to start taking too - the 180 seemed harsh when I first read it a couple of months ago - now it seems the only way forward in which I can protect myself from further indescribable hurt . I've started to implement the advice and I can already feel myself distancing myself from her . For your own sanity you must do the same my friend .