Boyfriend will go on vacation with a female friend of his

[Butterflyflyaway]

Hello,

 

So,my boyfriend (we have been together for almost 1.5 year) is attending a seminar this summer along with a friend of his (female) at another country. He invited me to apply many times but I couldn't afford both this,although at first I really wanted to go to that seminar even alone,so I told him I can't. So,along with that friend they'll stay for 2 more days at a hostel there (as they're not in a position to afford a hotel as our summer plans are quite a bit expensive).

At this point I should mention that most of his friends are girls and most of my friends are boys and no problem has arised,we fully trust each other.

So,his flight to go back home arrives at a city 8 hours from his (as it was cheaper) where two more friends of his live. With one of them I'm pretty fine,we even organized him a surprise together. The other one, who offered to host him for two nights ,they met almost a year ago but they become really good friends as she had something with his guy best friend. However that guy has some problems so he has cut ties a bit with everyone. I also need to mention that the second friend won't be there at the time of the visit so he'll spend these two days with her and 14 days later we'll go and either she'll host us or we'll stay at a hotel but I'll meet her.

Truth is,although my last relationship was full of cheating, I trust my boyfriend and there are no signs of attraction between them. However the thought of his staying there with her is a bit hurting to me for some reason and gives me some negative feelings... Any tips? I don't want to tell him not to do things as he has been pretty liberal with me but I need some advice in order not to fight with him.

[bathtub-row]

I'm confused about this. What does hosting him imply -- that he'll be staying at her home? They'll be sharing a room?

 

I guess my real question is, if your bf is doing so well financially, why didn't he offer to pay for you to go with him?

[Butterflyflyaway]

He isn't financially well,he just received a scholarship and he goes to those seminars often,I was selected to have the right to participate but money and studies don't allow...

Thing's he offered to pay my going with him or going alone and he also paid my last visit so this time I didn't want. By hosting I mean he'll stay at her house where she lives with her parents and the huge is huge so they won't share the same room.

[Butterflyflyaway]

Oh about the going alone part I mean that he even offered to pay my trip to somewhere else at a seminar if I don't like this.

[bathtub-row]

Then I wouldn't worry about it. He sounds like a good guy and it's really doubtful that he'd do anything while staying at their homes. He sounds a lot like my son who is extremely comfortable having girls as friends. He grew up around so many girl cousins and their friends that it's just totally normal to him. He would never cheat on his gf just because he was staying at some girl's house. Maybe just let him know that you're a little concerned about the situation, and then see what he says. After that, don't bring it up again. This is just a case of trusting him or not.

[Butterflyflyaway]

Well I tried talking to him but we fought hugely. I explained to him I see it pointless for staying for so long as we'll visit her again in two weeks and that I feel uncomfortable and he said that although he listens to my complaints I have no say on his plans with friends. I don't know,that was really bad. He said that if my jealousy is to win he'd rather let me feel uncomfortable.

[Butterflyflyaway]

Thing's that after I left him at our last visit we were both saying there is no distance between us anymore and that we're always together but right now I feel like I'm detaching from him,like now I'm going back to my country...

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. He invited you along. Finances are keeping you from attending. He's not trying to have a romance with her. She's just company. Make a plan about keeping in touch while he's away. Do something sweet for him when he gets home.

[bathtub-row]

Well I tried talking to him but we fought hugely. I explained to him I see it pointless for staying for so long as we'll visit her again in two weeks and that I feel uncomfortable and he said that although he listens to my complaints I have no say on his plans with friends. I don't know,that was really bad. He said that if my jealousy is to win he'd rather let me feel uncomfortable.

 

His reaction about this isn't good. Does he do that a lot where he gets mad if you express your feelings?

[Butterflyflyaway]

Well according to him it's insane that,as I trust him 100%, I feel uncomfortable with his visiting his friend because I have no reason to and now he's still mad. However I got mad about the insane part (I have a cutting history so adjectives like this are kind of morally devastating) so *win-win*.

 

Well not always,only when there is a problem with his doing sth as he connects everything to my not trusting him. This is kinda my fault because at first I wasn't trusting him at all but now I'm blamed for nothing.

 

The huge problem is that we talk all day and now that we're mad the single word talks kill me.

[Els]

I think you are being unfair to your bf - he invited you to come 'many times' and even offered to pay your way, but you refused him... and now you're refusing to let him stay with her parents because you're not there. Does this sound reasonable to you? Next time if you want to go and he offers to pay, just accept and prevent all the drama. If you insist on declining then you should be okay with his choice of accommodation.

 

As for him cheating, I find that extremely unlikely even if he was the cheating sort (which I would hope he isn't), considering the fact that her parents are there. If her parents are anywhere near the traditional sort (which they probably are if she's still living with them), it would be singularly suicidal for him to try to have sex with her under their roof. If he was staying in her apartment with her 1-on-1 then I could understand your gripe, but with her parents???? A guy who was wanting to cheat would be more likely to do it in college or work or a bar than in a girl's parents' house.

 

Now, this is not to say you should insist that he avoid all those places. Trust is clearly an issue for you, probably even the root issue here. You need to really think about why you don't trust him.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Elswyth

[justwhoiam]

My thoughts here below.

 

How well he's doing in school? With all this going around and staying in hostels, friends' houses, etc. and with a vacation planned with you 2 weeks later, is he even studying? Is he on time with all the exams?

 

Secondly, are his parents well off?

 

Thirdly, declining his invite in order to be able to keep up with your school duties was wise. Hats off to you. But if you rejected his offer repeatedly because you didn't want his money, then that is not OK.

 

Finally, if my man told me "You have no say on my plans with friends", that'd be some bloody statement. And in my mind it'd play as "Don't get in my way and we'll be fine". I personally find it unacceptable. I wonder: what kind of relationship is that? Is that something you'd tell a wife? Obviously, you rank far lower than that in his mind. Where is your relationship going?

[smackie9]

He's mad because you offended him.....he feels you are accusing him of ulterior motives, and he is doing wrong when he isn't. He's been nothing but faithful/fair to you and this is what he gets. He is staying with a whole family, not shaking up with some girl....give the guy a break.

[Butterflyflyaway]

Sorry for the loooong break but my exams have had a huge toll on me,along with my anxiety attacks. We never give breaks to each other because we simply can't stand that feeling of waiting so after arguing/ discussing for days we found a solution and I understood some points that I was wrong, like my not wanting him to stay a bit more to visit the country after the seminar or being upset about his staying at a friend's. I know he's been loyal to me still thinking we won't have much time to talk (as he will have no data there) is an important thing as we talk 24/7 but we've done it again at a seminar of mine so I guess it is viable,probably I'll be working double shifts at those dates anyway. There was a really good change of my getting a funding to go to the trip,as those seminars are eligible for funding, and when I told him he got so happy although now we're at the waiting phase to see. I know I was terribly wrong and thing's that my negative thoughts are things that I have clear in my mind already however they come back sometimes due to my HUGE insecurities and emotional problems. However we planned out summer (although my parents created some glitches,) and exams are going great so I had the chance to relax and talk with him calmer. Thank you all for your advise though, it was all greatly appreciated And they helped me clear out the truth and not let my insecurities win.

[Butterflyflyaway]

Sooooo just a short update on the topic... (This year has been really demanding so I'm just getting some time now to post). We broke up in September. We said that it was not final and that we'd have a talk to clear things up. Two weeks later I tell him to talk,he declines and then I find out he went to a weekend with her and another ex of his. Eventually he accepted he did something with both of them. Long story short, after only talking a little for two months at the starts of December he got drunk and messaged me. He told me (and fully described the situation) all the times he cheated on me with her. And somehow I was relieved that finally it came out I wasn't insane. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for creating me even more insecurities than I already had and making me think I'm the problematic one while he saw I was hurting. However,I partially try to forget it so that I can move on with my life and pursue my dreams.