Feeling frustrated

[oman0115]

So at the start of the year after having limited contact with my ex I finally plucked up the courage to tell her I can't be her friend, and she should only get in touch with me again if she wants to give me another try. ( at this stage she was in a 6 month relationship and I was starting one )

 

Roll on 5 months and she contacted me 5 days ago. The main message of her text was she's unhappy her relationship is on its last legs and she wants to meet up. Against my better judgement I agreed and we set a date to meet up and discuss things.

 

Since then she's gone cold and even said she might not be in the right mental state to meet up with me. I feel like I've been sucked in and my emotions have been trampled on. I was moving on fine until all this and it's left me feeling really confused. Do I give her the benefit of the doubt and accept that she may be going through a hard time ( I believe that she genuinely is ) and be patient or tell her to just leave me alone forever?

 

I feel like I put my heart on the line to have it broken again and I just don't know how to react.

[deadparrot]

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive--she may genuinely be going through a hard time (on the other hand, she could be yanking your chain; it's impossible to say for sure without knowing/being her). However, as her ex, it is not your job to shepherd her through this and "be there" for her. That's what her friends and family are for.

 

Moreover, put yourself in her current boyfriend's position. If it were it you and she going through a rough patch, would you be thrilled to know she was meeting up with her ex and confiding all your relationships troubles? If that's her go-to reaction when times get tough, is that someone you want to be with?

 

Finally, her life circumstances (recent breakup, fragile emotional state) are such that she probably won't be ready for a mature relationship for some time. I would recommend cutting contact with her, at the very least to wait for her to get in a better mental/emotional place before you even consider rekindling things.

[Conviction]

I was in your exact situation about a year ago. Ex was in a relationship, I would get all tingly when she'd contact me. She never came out and said it, but I could tell the relationship was on the rocks. Her and I would talk for a few days, then she'd go cold.

 

What happened to me, and what's happening to you my friend is she's using you as an emotional crutch and testing you to see if you'll still be there if the current one goes sour. You're conditioning her to know that she can be with some other guy, and yet you'll still be on the sidelines waiting for your "chance". In the meantime, you're putting your life on hold in hopes that she'll drop this guy for you.

 

Learn from my mistake, don't be an emotional toy, go NC, move on, and find happiness

[oman0115]

Thanks both for your input. I don't feel as if I'm putting my life on hold as such I'm in a relationship ( in a loose sense as in we don't want commitment but fun ) and have dated other women since our split. I do definitely believe emotionally she has used me in the past and believe she is now, we've always got on really well and I think she finds comfort in me on some level.

 

She's definitely ill, medication is involved and I think she's at a really low point in life. Perhaps now would be a terrible time to re-engage. It's just frustrating when exes feel they can reach out then disappear on you!

[deadparrot]

I hear you. I had that guy in my life. He made me feel things that, up until that point, I hadn't felt with anyone, but he gave up on our initial relationship because he couldn't deal with the distance (a two-hour drive) and his wonky work hours.

 

Thus began almost two years of intermittent contact in which he'd reach out, I'd unwisely reengage, hoping things had changed, and we'd pick up right where we left off--not sex, but hours of incredible conversation and connection. Then after a couple incredible days, he'd disappear again. Every time, I went through the emotional wringer and was left basically a mess.

 

When you meet a person ready for an adult relationship, you'll know, and the contrast will be obvious and refreshing. When I met my boyfriend, despite him having his share of heartbreak and emotional messiness in the past, we'd both taken steps to ensure that we were ready to be back in the dating pool. The quality of the relationship is infinitely better--we can discuss tough topics without either of us going to pieces or being scared that the other person is going to walk out. That kind of relationship is worth the wait.

[EllyH]

Many times people don't want an actual relationship, but to know that you WOULD be there if the current relationship they are in fails. It' s like a person who doesn't want you until someone else does then they want you. Unfortunately for you it plays havoc with your heart. The positive thing is that if you know this about your ex, you can plan for the eventuality of her contacting you and then growing cold again. You know what you need to do, but now you need to do it! You can! Take good care of yourself :-)