Girlfriend picking up guys at bars, and keeps shady contacts phone FB snapchat etc

[smackie9]

Jason: you don't date someone to "fix" THEM. You date someone to see if they are compatible and fulfill your expectations, not mess you up and make you feel like crap. The crappy ones you throw back into the sea.

[Emilia]

I'm trying to give benefit of doubt and see if things change.

Why?? Why do people do this to themselves? is it this hard for you to get a girlfriend?

[katiegrl]

Jason I am curious.

 

Do you have a male role model in your life you can talk to about these things?

 

A dad, an uncle, family friend?

 

What about your regular friends?

 

What do they think?

 

I only ask cuz I am wondering where you ever learned that this type of behavior from a woman is even remotely acceptable.

 

Even giving her the benefit of the doubt.

 

There IS no doubt to give her the benefit of.

 

Best of luck moving forward and hopefully lesson learned...

Edited May 24, 2016 by katiegrl

[Satu]

*I'm trying to give benefit of doubt and see if things change. She says she will stay away from bars and clubs, and stop fooling around. She told me that the next day after we talked. Thats why. I had the goodness to hear her out. Took a while to get the truth. But now actions have to happen in-order for us to continue. She always gets upset and says about herself "im not doing enough" but at this point Im just getting a clear sign she wants communication with these people on purpose. And that's shady no-matter what reason she comes up with. I want to work on our relationship and give her a chance, but Im running out of steam.

 

*There is no doubt to give.

 

She's not somebody you can have a healthy relationship with.

 

In the area of relationships, she is broken.

[elaine567]

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

 

(old-fashioned) something that you say which means you cannot make a good quality product using bad quality materials

There is a reason why these old fashioned idioms have survived to the present day and it is because they state a basic truth.

Here you have a girl having the time of her life with every available guy around with the added advantage of good old loyal Jason09 ready to step in, if she ever gets lonely or needs a shoulder to cry on.

 

Jason

You are trying to make a gf out of a party girl and that will not work, it may do in 10 years time, when she sobers up, grows up and looks around for a long term mate, but until then it is a complete waste of your time.

[planb1973]

Bottom line...

 

She is not your girlfriend.

 

She is everyone's girlfriend!!!

[LostOnes05]

Have you seen The Lion King movie? There's a line that's applicable to you...Run away Jason09, Run away and never return!! Yea, you need to dump her. She is pretty disrespectful and you will never be able to change her behavior. Just the way some people are. Their wants and needs trump everyone else, no matter the cost.

[hasaquestion]

You vote with your feet by not dumping her a**. Show some pride.

[salparadise]

...may do in 10 years time, when she sobers up, grows up and looks around for a long term mate, but until then it is a complete waste of your time.

 

Nope. Not even in 10 or 20 or 30 years. This one has character deficits that will not change. She is fundamentally disingenuous, without empathy or remorse. We all know what that means.

 

OP needs to bail on this. I am flabbergasted that he could be... whatever it is. He has some major gaps in awareness.

[aliveagain]

Anyone that needs this much attention and validation from other men, you will never be enough for. She told you that she was in a lot of bad relationships, perhaps this is why. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the women she has on her phone are actually guys, the real sneaky ones do things like that. I think without a lot of independent counselling(find out why your validation isn't enough for her) your in for a world of pain with this one. You stated in your first post that she slept around a lot before you met her, I don't think that has changed.

[road]

She made lots of promises about not fooling around with other guys anymore. She slept around a lot before she met me. Cought her the other night and explain in the next paragraph, her excuse for everything is "I've been in bad relationships before, its hard to just stop." She likes attention and tells me she will sometimes do what it takes to get it, but like getting numbers at bars, she swears it would go nowhere its only for attention. Ok..

 

Here's what happened. Were out at a little dance place, she goes to the bathroom, I keep dancing with myself and drinking a little. Neither of us had too very much. Like 15 minutes passes, I go out front to smoke, there she is with her arm around some guy who is pulling out his phone to take a selfie with the chick he just met. I go back in, she stops me with "whats wrong?" and he passes by asking if she wants a drink. Its a typical guy meets girl at bar and buys her a drink. Later on she says she was drunk. A text comes onto her phone with no name at 1:30am, I ask her "did you give out any numbers?" She swears over and over "no... I only gave out bogus numbers to entertain them. It was only for attention." The next day the guy texts hey its me from the bar.. you wrote your number on my arm. (instead of putting in his phone he had on the spot). Then he says "is it ok to text you since you said you have a boyfriend?" She says to me "oh.. though I scrambled the number up haha" Then a few hours later.. another guy texts her she met that night out front. So no fake numbers were given and she lied. Its obvious what she was up to. She swears it would go nowhere. She admits it was only for attention.

 

So now, I asked to look in her phone if she has nothing to hide. She agrees. I see her "blocked contacts list" is smaller than it used to be. She says its just the same, I'm just not remembering. Ex boyfriends, guys she hooked up with, guys who offered her things she says she denied. But only 4 blocked numbers. These people show up on her Facebook, snap-chat, Instagram, all the places you can send and receive direct private massages on. But she isn't blocking, isn't removing, they are still in her FB contacts (not necessarily friends list.. but you know, your contacts that link FB to other apps). I tell her it makes me uncomfortable, and if they really mean nothing to her anymore, than there should be no reason not to block communication and remove their contact info so they cant contact in private messaging apps. Ive asked her to block people who never wanted to be just-friends with her, people she had flings with in the past, ex boyfriends, etc. And Im seeing its not being done. That's telling me something. Or am I thinking into it too far. What can I say to her? Its got to stop, I cant continue like this.

 

 

 

Dump her.

 

 

Why?

 

 

You do not date a girl that lets men buy her drinks and gives out her number to while in a relationship with you, let alone with her doing it on while on dates with you.

[drifter777]

I can't believe you are even posting this scenario and asking for advice. But here it is: dump her right freaking now.

[Clockwork]

She made lots of promises about not fooling around with other guys anymore. She slept around a lot before she met me. Cought her the other night and explain in the next paragraph, her excuse for everything is "I've been in bad relationships before, its hard to just stop." She likes attention and tells me she will sometimes do what it takes to get it, but like getting numbers at bars, she swears it would go nowhere its only for attention. Ok..

 

Here's what happened. Were out at a little dance place, she goes to the bathroom, I keep dancing with myself and drinking a little. Neither of us had too very much. Like 15 minutes passes, I go out front to smoke, there she is with her arm around some guy who is pulling out his phone to take a selfie with the chick he just met. I go back in, she stops me with "whats wrong?" and he passes by asking if she wants a drink. Its a typical guy meets girl at bar and buys her a drink. Later on she says she was drunk. A text comes onto her phone with no name at 1:30am, I ask her "did you give out any numbers?" She swears over and over "no... I only gave out bogus numbers to entertain them. It was only for attention." The next day the guy texts hey its me from the bar.. you wrote your number on my arm. (instead of putting in his phone he had on the spot). Then he says "is it ok to text you since you said you have a boyfriend?" She says to me "oh.. though I scrambled the number up haha" Then a few hours later.. another guy texts her she met that night out front. So no fake numbers were given and she lied. Its obvious what she was up to. She swears it would go nowhere. She admits it was only for attention.

 

So now, I asked to look in her phone if she has nothing to hide. She agrees. I see her "blocked contacts list" is smaller than it used to be. She says its just the same, I'm just not remembering. Ex boyfriends, guys she hooked up with, guys who offered her things she says she denied. But only 4 blocked numbers. These people show up on her Facebook, snap-chat, Instagram, all the places you can send and receive direct private massages on. But she isn't blocking, isn't removing, they are still in her FB contacts (not necessarily friends list.. but you know, your contacts that link FB to other apps). I tell her it makes me uncomfortable, and if they really mean nothing to her anymore, than there should be no reason not to block communication and remove their contact info so they cant contact in private messaging apps. Ive asked her to block people who never wanted to be just-friends with her, people she had flings with in the past, ex boyfriends, etc. And Im seeing its not being done. That's telling me something. Or am I thinking into it too far. What can I say to her? Its got to stop, I cant continue like this.

 

I don't know if there could be any more red flags in this thing. Look, you are a guy and this girl seems to get around a lot. Maybe she is just simply that good in the sack. I know, I've been there, I've kept a relationship going that I never should have based on lust. Believe me, when you find the real woman you are going to be with you'll lust after her too because she'll have things this woman didn't.

[juniorrocha]

Jason09, duuuude, I hope this helps you, 'cause my ex was almost like yours, except yours is a lot worse.

 

When I started to date my ex, we'd often go to parties, clubs and bars and she would always get there a little later than I was expecting. I found out she wasn't late, but rather already in the place for some time, fooling around, while I was sitting there waiting for her. JUST LIKE YOU, I thought I should talk to her about it and that her behaviour would change. After 6 months into the relationship, I had just came back from my hometown where I spent a month, and I snooped her FB. I found out she'd been flirting and contacting other guys (at least 5), she was inviting herself to their place ("when will we spend a weekend together?"), and whenever questioned if she was dating, she wouldn't reply. One of these guys is a friend of hers that use to go out to parties with us all the time; she actually said something like "maybe we should hook up a little and make it our secret, I've always wanted to have a FWB". The guy simply laughed at her face, at how pathetic that was, but could've been someone who accepted it.

 

And JUST LIKE YOUR GF, she said that she likes the attention. That she never cheated and never would do it, but that it was fun to mess with them. She cried a lot and said she would never do it again. And I accepted it. I never ever found out any other evidence that she did it, but she also had another big issue: she's a GREAT LIAR, which I found out a couple months later. And you guess what? We talked it over, because just like you, I thought that when you're in a relationship, you should accept the other one may fail, give a second chance and move on. So you can keep growing.

 

What can I tell you? BAD, VERY BAD DECISION. We got close to 2 years together only to find out she was STILL lying about some things. It makes me question everything else; maybe she never stopped her lies, flirtings and stuff; maybe she just kept it hidden better, even though I never ever saw her getting strange texts/calls/messages - and you do, what makes it even worse.

 

Please, please, PLEASE. Don't do the same mistake I did. It will only hurt you more. My ex made me feel so ****ing insecure that it got the point she wouldn't go anywhere without "my permission", what was not healthy at all. If I couldn't attend to a place, she would just not go so she would avoid conflicts. And she always told me she does that because she felt really guilty. She would often cry and say how I am the best thing that ever happened to her life, and that she wouldn't ever repeat the same mistakes again. Now we're broken up for 10 days and I went NC. I miss her, but at the same time I have this weird happy feeling that I'm now available to find someone who truly cares, something she didn't do. I hope she has learned her lesson and find a second chance to be happy, with someone else. Don't wait for a change, don't go on with it. It's not worth it.

Edited May 28, 2016 by juniorrocha

[Seerum]

I know it's hard trying to be the nice guy when the lady is being "nice" to every guy.

 

I know just the thought of being single / alone is rather upsetting but this girl you are with is extremely vile poison. She will suck out every ounce of decency you have left and break you down.

 

No matter how many passes you give her or excuses you allow her to make. She is the type that will always keep taking and destroying hearts as long as she can.

 

Leave her like yesterday and do not look back, talk to her, reply to her or anything. Move forward with your life and never look back.

 

Just take solace in knowing she is the type of woman that when she gets older she will be one very ugly woman that no one will love and the pets she has will only get close so they can be fed.

 

She will turn into one of "those" woman that sits on Facebook all day posting religious posts about how no one but god can judge her.

 

While you moved on with your life and found a classy intellectual woman to grow happy and old with.

 

Good luck and never look back.

[coolheadal]

She made lots of promises about not fooling around with other guys anymore. She slept around a lot before she met me. Cought her the other night and explain in the next paragraph, her excuse for everything is "I've been in bad relationships before, its hard to just stop." She likes attention and tells me she will sometimes do what it takes to get it, but like getting numbers at bars, she swears it would go nowhere its only for attention. Ok..

 

Here's what happened. Were out at a little dance place, she goes to the bathroom, I keep dancing with myself and drinking a little. Neither of us had too very much. Like 15 minutes passes, I go out front to smoke, there she is with her arm around some guy who is pulling out his phone to take a selfie with the chick he just met. I go back in, she stops me with "whats wrong?" and he passes by asking if she wants a drink. Its a typical guy meets girl at bar and buys her a drink. Later on she says she was drunk. A text comes onto her phone with no name at 1:30am, I ask her "did you give out any numbers?" She swears over and over "no... I only gave out bogus numbers to entertain them. It was only for attention." The next day the guy texts hey its me from the bar.. you wrote your number on my arm. (instead of putting in his phone he had on the spot). Then he says "is it ok to text you since you said you have a boyfriend?" She says to me "oh.. though I scrambled the number up haha" Then a few hours later.. another guy texts her she met that night out front. So no fake numbers were given and she lied. Its obvious what she was up to. She swears it would go nowhere. She admits it was only for attention.

 

So now, I asked to look in her phone if she has nothing to hide. She agrees. I see her "blocked contacts list" is smaller than it used to be. She says its just the same, I'm just not remembering. Ex boyfriends, guys she hooked up with, guys who offered her things she says she denied. But only 4 blocked numbers. These people show up on her Facebook, snap-chat, Instagram, all the places you can send and receive direct private massages on. But she isn't blocking, isn't removing, they are still in her FB contacts (not necessarily friends list.. but you know, your contacts that link FB to other apps). I tell her it makes me uncomfortable, and if they really mean nothing to her anymore, than there should be no reason not to block communication and remove their contact info so they cant contact in private messaging apps. Ive asked her to block people who never wanted to be just-friends with her, people she had flings with in the past, ex boyfriends, etc. And Im seeing its not being done. That's telling me something. Or am I thinking into it too far. What can I say to her? Its got to stop, I cant continue like this.

 

Sorry to say this girl is not good for you. She's in the "Unhealthy Behavioral Syndrome" or "Behavioral Disorder Symptoms" Really not much you can do about changing her, because it's exciting to her. This is all really knows how to live like. You just got caught up in her web of misfortune. Right now even if you ask her to choose between this current lifestyle path or you? She'll won't do it! Even if she told she would for you! She would just revert back to what to her comfort-zone and continue on as normal. Nothing will ever change with her, because you can't change this multi-personal behavior.

 

Frankly I don't know why you even want to consider such a woman in the first place where there are others out there 100% better than her. Please consider to leave her and think about how life with her would really be? Your now under gun to find out from us what we all think here on LS. Just a bad date and relationship that has gone out of control. Forget the cell phone and blocking of numbers that doesn't mean much today. She'll unblock those numbers and contact those guys again just for fun (tease, flirt you name it!)

Edited May 29, 2016 by coolheadal

[idiot 274]

You were hoping to change her is what it sounds like. Biggest thing I'm learning about my situation is how to identify the red flags in the beginning. I will never give anyone else a chance if I'm disrespected. It is unforgivable and it's a personality trait that will most likely never change.

[Jabron1]

I struggle to have sympathy sometimes.

 

Why are you clinging to this woman? Why do you need her so badly?

 

You are a man. Act like it.

 

Almost all of the problems men seem to have come from being needy. You need her far more than she needs you. Because (for whatever reason) you are chasing down a longterm relationship like a woman.

 

It always saddens me to see a guy so much more invested in the relationship than the woman. It's not natural.

 

You are always going to keep having big problems until you stop being so needy.

[juniorrocha]

I struggle to have sympathy sometimes.

 

Why are you clinging to this woman? Why do you need her so badly?

 

You are a man. Act like it.

 

Almost all of the problems men seem to have come from being needy. You need her far more than she needs you. Because (for whatever reason) you are chasing down a longterm relationship like a woman.

 

It always saddens me to see a guy so much more invested in the relationship than the woman. It's not natural.

 

You are always going to keep having big problems until you stop being so needy.

 

That's a stereotype. I'm more relationship inclined, for some reason life makes more sense to me when I'm dating. That doesn't make anyone more or less of a man. You should be questioning how needy he is regardless of his gender, instead of forcing someone 'to be a man' just because they're not acting the way you think a man should, which by the way is non sense since each to its own.

 

That guy just needs to build some selfsteem and realize he deserves better.

[Jabron1]

That's a stereotype.

 

It's not a stereotype. It's biology, and the way the world works.

[Alamo657]

It's not a stereotype. It's biology, and the way the world works.

 

I would rather say its the product of a feminine-led education.

[juniorrocha]

It's not a stereotype. It's biology, and the way the world works.

 

I wonder how old you are. Your comment would fit very well if it was made in like 40 years ago or something.