daughter dating a "recovering" addict

[2zmom]

I am the mother of a talented, bright college senior. My daughter has lots of talent, great grades, and has been given positive reinforcement all her life. We are a family where both parents are in love, educated, successful, (I was able to be an at home mother) and without addictions. We don't smoke or drink.

 

Our daughter met a guy who is 5 years older than her at the eating establishment where she works part time. He is a recovering heroin addict (who was kicked out of the program for using his cell phone???!) We have voiced our concern about this relationship, basically telling her she can make the choice to have him in her life, but we don't have to make the same choice. He of course has called me all kinds of names, and is working a wedge between us and our daughter.

 

She wants to go to family counseling since we don't "respect" her choice. We are willing to go. I need some feedback from people who know more about this subject than I do...this is a side of life I have no other first hand knowledge.

[Rosalind]

Originally posted by 2zmom

He is a recovering heroin addict (who was kicked out of the program for using his cell phone???!)

 

I need some feedback from people who know more about this subject than I do...this is a side of life I have no other first hand knowledge.

 

Hi 2zmom,

 

Kicked out of what program???.....was he a methadone patient?

 

The only way they would kick you out is if drugs were found in the daily urine screening.

 

There's nothing wrong with someone who wants to clean-up their life, but if he was a former IV drug user, and has been denied methadone - he will likely go back to injecting himself, rather than go through the terrible withdrawal.

 

What type of help is he receiving at this present time?

[2zmom]

Thank you so much for writing back. Your questions make it so clear to me how little I (and my daughter) know about the drug world.

 

I have no idea what program he was in, I have been told he left the area, moved 600 miles away to live with his parents (who were giving him "one last chance")who live close to us where he "cleaned up" and is no longer using. He attended NA a few times, but no longer goes. He never seems to have money like other boyfriends have had, even though he works. He was skinny when he arrived here, and has gained 20 pounds in the last 6 or so months. I know he has a cyst in his nose that antibiotics have not been able to cure, and he has no insurance. I did my own thinking and reading to discover the truth, which was a risky guess on our part, but proved correct.

 

He has a number of tattoos. I am not sure what they all are, but the one I finally saw (he usually wears long sleeves) is what looks like either a syringe or a push pin, with the needle pointing at veins just above the wrist on the inside of the arm. I took this symbol to be a syringe (which is what really put me on the heroin path), but he tells my daughter is a tattoo that tattoo artist have like a fraternity symbol (he at one time was working on being a tattoo artist, I have been told), and she believes him.

 

Is it true that people in recovery are urged to stay out of romantic relationships for at least a year? Please tell me more about abuse, recovery, etc.

 

As parents what do we do?

[tiki]

Originally posted by 2zmom

As parents what do we do?

 

Pray like a mofo. This girl is headed for TROUBLE. Can't anyone talk some sense into her?

 

How long has she been seeing him?

 

I've heard that too about no relationships for one year after rehab.

 

Ya know, he may turn out to be a fab guy, but tell her to atleast abide by the one year thing. Maybe by then, she will have forgotten about him. Remind her of what having kids with a person like this would be like.

 

Where's scarly when you need her?!? You may want to PM her and point her to this thread. She may be of help to you.

 

Good luck.

[Stone]

I really hope your daughter comes around quickly. I have had 2 serious relationships 1 with a "Recovering" Drug Addict and one with a "recovering" alcholic. Needless to say they went right back to it and I have had a miserable hard road to walk with these men.

 

Not saying that people can't recover, they can and they can become great people but it really take ALOT of dedication therapy ect. Has your daughter ever done drugs? It seems odd that she would be attracted to someone who led that kind of lifestyle.

[Pyro]

Hi 2zmom

 

Unfortunately another thing to worry about is your daughters health. Because this guy has done heroin, he obviously had used a needle. Well, as you know sharing a needle can lead to many diseases, including HIV. You may want to discuss with your daughter the health risks involved with dating this guy.

 

Best of luck to you.

[SexKitten]

you can get kicked out of rehab for all sorts of reasons, especially not following their rules.

 

it may be because he used his cellphone, but he would have been told not to use it when he got there. they should have taken it away...did he break into an office and take it? did he say "f*** you people, i'm doing what i want" etc?

 

in other words, i am sure there is more to this story than is being told.

 

ever notice every kid in detention "didn't do it?" or is there for what they say is a dumb reason? there's a reason they're there in the first place.

 

why does he call you names? you didn't explain where that came from.

 

what a mess. i say tell your daughter absolutely not, and if she continues to see him, you want nothing to do with him. he is not to be in your house, or around you.

 

i've seen this happen. my friend amy was the same way, great grades, pretty, fun, a ton of potential. then she got involved with a "former heroin addict" that introduced her to the drug. she eventually got to the point that her parents said she was a lost cause and needed to keep her away from the rest of the kids. she broke into her own house and stole her parents' credit cards, jewelry, everything, for money for heroin. they called the police, and she had a choice between rehab and jail

 

now she's a housekeeper at the rehab she was in for a year and a half. she has no use of one of her arms because of the drug use. she is afraid to leave because she says she will probably do heroin again.

 

tell your daughter it's just not worth it.

 

you're probably scared she will say "well fine, then i won't come around anymore either" but she needs to know how serious you are about this.

 

people can recover, but he does not sound stable.

 

she sounds like a smart girl, but this is a stupid decision.

[New_Wife]

Howdy! Resident Junkie here!

 

Did you gasp? Sorry!

 

I am a recovering addict of 8.5 years. My drug of choice was a prescription painkiller (or seven). I have been in the wonderful fellowship of N.A. with folks who have used just about every substance known to man to get high with - including herion.

 

You said he went to some meetings then stopped. Well oh my. That's just almost as positive as going on a diet then eating some fudge cake.

 

An addict who is truly in recovery is much more than a user who has gone dry. The addiction is about 10% drugs, and 90% whatever brought you to them. N.A. is a program that focuses on that 90%. Most "programs" focus on all 100% by working the physical focus, some clinical coping tools, then sending the dry addict/alcoholic to N.A.

 

Recovery - as opposed to just "not using" is a process in which a person will change their life. Now, recoery doesn't make you a grand wonderful Mother-Theresa-esque saint; but it does help you to reach toward whatever potential you do possess - if you choose to. That's the kicker - the program doesn't fix you, you have to do all the repair work yourself. The program merely guides you to the tools.

 

Now then, last thought, you - Mom - should tread very carefully here. Yes, you most definitely do not want this person in your home - especially if you have anything of value within easy reach. Addicts will steal your stuff then help you look for it - if they're not working the program. But, and here's a huge but, you don't want to waive that red flag at your daughter (think college + daughter = daughter/bull) of forbidding the relationship. Lovingly state your health concerns about hepatitis and his state of sobriety (or not) and let it go. The more you push, the more she'll push back.

 

If you want to pm me, feel free.

[2zmom]

Thanks to all of you for your insight!

 

You asked, "why does he call you names?" He does that because we don't like him, she knows it and tells him. Here is a quote he put on his public blog about me.

 

Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla. . . . . . Bla. Yeah, you ever feel like your life has no point? Well, welcome to my world if you have.

 

I'm such a freak and I'm planning on being a therapist. I'm either way off or right on. Girlfriend's mom wants to brake-up my relationship. I want her to get a life. I've got my head on straighter than she does and that's not saying a whole lot. She spies on my {deleted} page and I no longer care. If she doesn't approve of me she can be humane about it and discuss it with me instead of being seedy. I'm pissing off my girlfriend if she reads this, but I have to release some of this tension before I snap. I know this is a bummer to read, so I apologize, so here's a joke:

 

So there's this guy whose got a drinking problem and a bar tender suggests he go to AA. He stays sober for two days, then he goes home and his dog bites him.

 

and

 

Yeah, well everything sucks, I've decided. I'm broke, tired, pessimistic, hopeless and dissapointed. **** you if you're reading this; you're a inquisitive a**h***.

 

This give you a little insite into his head.

 

Stressed mom!

[New_Wife]

I imagine it must be one of the worst things in the world to watch you child make these decisions. Mine are not yet dating - my oldest will be 15 shortly - so I'd be talking out of my butt if I told you I knew what you were going through.

 

I would suggest that you do your level best to detach from this situation. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do that won't cause the exact opposite end result you believe to be correct.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully he alienates your daughter in a speedy fashion and she can move onto better things. Oh, and before I forget, don't lend money! bad bad!

[miss-gonewest]

Maybe you can enroll in a therapy program yourself...

 

My brother ran into some problems last year and while we couldn't get the truth out of him at the time, Mum went and did a course for parents of addicts. It was at a local help centre/rehab centre - it taught her how to deal with his demands (and lies) and how the addiction was changing him.

 

It helped us to understand his motivations and behaviors and gave her an insight into the physiological effects the gear was having on him. It also taught her how to spot the signs of use etc. It was a great help to her (and I) to hear the advice from experts, and it also taught us how to be strong and to not give in to him.

 

His father also attended a similar course at a local church.

 

I don't know what agencies you have there, but I know the Salvation Army run courses for family/partners etc. There is also a free 24 information/talk line in the front of our phone books where you can speak with counsellors trained with addictions.

 

This lad may well be reformed, but you should talk with someone that knows specifically about recovery and they may also help you relate better to your daughter. There is quite a lot of help out there - once you look for it.

 

Good luck with it all - I hope this time passes soon.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by Stone

I really hope your daughter comes around quickly. I have had 2 serious relationships 1 with a "Recovering" Drug Addict and one with a "recovering" alcholic. Needless to say they went right back to it and I have had a miserable hard road to walk with these men.

 

Not saying that people can't recover, they can and they can become great people but it really take ALOT of dedication therapy ect. Has your daughter ever done drugs? It seems odd that she would be attracted to someone who led that kind of lifestyle.

 

 

Im sure Im not the only one who takes offense at your putting quotations around the word recovering ( "recovering" ) as if the very idea is a joke. And why is it "needless to say" that they went right back to it? If someone WANTS to quit for themselves they absolutely can. They can also become far better people than YOU. So stop acting like you're better than a "RECOVERING" addict or alcoholic simply because they used to NOT have control of their lives. Atleast they can say they have seen the worst, been to hell and back,..and are a better person FOR it. On this subject, you have proved that ignorance is, indeed, NOT bliss.

[tiki]

I thought she was saying it like that because she thought at one time they were recovering, only to have them slip back.

 

Scarly, can you offer any advice to the OP? I'm interested in your take on this.

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

My brother was a heroin addict for 3 years. He kicked it by going into a program. They do have rules about relationships after 1 year of leaving. You have to understand that people do change. Look at New_Wife. She changed. I know there is always going to be that doubt in the back of your mind that maybe he might get her to do it. Or might relapse while with her an do something drastic. First, If your daughter is as smart as you say she is then you should have more trust in her. Addicts aren't devils. Their just people who took the wrong path in life and eventually(hopefully) get back on the right path. You can't be negative in the sense of always thinking he going to be an addict forever. Scarly changed, New_Wife changed, my brother changed. Its possible. IF you think the worst, then the first time you see him blow his nose you going to think he snorted something. That's what my mom still does to my brother and it bothers me. He hasn't touched anything in about a year and is going strong. That kind of thinking will only push them closer to doing it again.

[scarlyjones]

Well given I know NOTHING about this guy she is dating, I cant be much help. I will say this though. JUST because he USED to use drugs, doesnt mean he is a bad person. Seems like this Mother is dead set against her daughter being with this guy simply because he used to have a drug problem. ( Im well aware that he always will have a drug problem BTW...Im just saying it like that for the sake of the ones who dont quite get it )

 

This decision as far as she has stated is based solely on total ignorance. Now,...if this guy is mean to her, or is showing signs of using again, then thats different.

[Stone]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

 

 

 

Im sure Im not the only one who takes offense at your putting quotations around the word recovering ( "recovering" ) as if the very idea is a joke. And why is it "needless to say" that they went right back to it? If someone WANTS to quit for themselves they absolutely can. They can also become far better people than YOU. So stop acting like you're better than a "RECOVERING" addict or alcoholic simply because they used to NOT have control of their lives. At least they can say they have seen the worst, been to hell and back,..and are a better person FOR it. On this subject, you have proved that ignorance is, indeed, NOT bliss.

 

WTF!! That was a little unnecessary don't ya think! I put "recovering" in quotations because at the time the person had not fully recovered. And it may take SEVERAL attempts to recover before a person actually succeeds in doing so. I am not a better person than a RECOVERING addict and never claimed to be, I myself have dated them and was one before I became a mother. I believe that people who RECOVER from anything weather it's Drugs, Alcohol, Cancer or a Bad Marriage is a strong person.

 

I among others we're very much looking forward to your comments on this subject because most of the time you add great insight on these types of threads but obviously this time YOU proved YOUR ignorance

[Pocky]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Well given I know NOTHING about this guy she is dating, I cant be much help. I will say this though. JUST because he USED to use drugs, doesnt mean he is a bad person. Seems like this Mother is dead set against her daughter being with this guy simply because he used to have a drug problem. ( Im well aware that he always will have a drug problem BTW...Im just saying it like that for the sake of the ones who dont quite get it )

 

I tend to agree with some points made. While I can understand as a mother you're concerned with the people your daughter associates with, the fact that he's a recovering drug addict doesn't make him a bad person and he may very well be trying hard to overcome his addiction. I'd have to say the last thing the their relationship needs is someone pointing out his mistakes as though those mistakes have marked him for life and he'll never regain his worth.

 

You said your daughter is a senior in college so I assume she's about twenty-three or twenty-four. She does well in school and you've been very proud of her for how responsible she's been and how mature she is. Why do disregard her ability to make sound decisions in her life when it comes to her boyfriend. Do you feel he's not worthy of your daughter?

 

It's possible that she will be a wonderful influence on him and he could be a wonderful influence on her. Dealing with a recovering addict gives you an insight into human suffering that you may not always be able to experience. It may be hard for your daughter, she may struggle with some issues that come up in his recovery, but it might help her grow and understand people even more.

 

You've trusted her so far - will you continue to trust her? I wouldn't put up a wall with your daughter just, yet. If she's not showing any signs of negative influence and she's doing what she's always done then I think you should just keep an eye on her and not interfere too much. Treat her like an adult that knows right and wrong.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by Stone

WTF!! That was a little unnecessary don't ya think! I put "recovering" in quotations because at the time the person had not fully recovered. And it may take SEVERAL attempts to recover before a person actually succeeds in doing so. I am not a better person than a RECOVERING addict and never claimed to be, I myself have dated them and was one before I became a mother. I believe that people who RECOVER from anything weather it's Drugs, Alcohol, Cancer or a Bad Marriage is a strong person.

 

I among others we're very much looking forward to your comments on this subject because most of the time you add great insight on these types of threads but obviously this time YOU proved YOUR ignorance

 

 

Just so you know,.....you never FULLY recover from an addiction. A full recovery would mean you can now go back to drinking like normal people,...which isnt ever possible. Furthermore,...all I stated was that your post made it sound as if that is what you were saying. If Im wrong, I apologize.

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

 

 

A full recovery would mean you can now go back to drinking like normal people,...which isnt ever possible.

 

that's not true. i've known people who were alcoholics who stopped their habit of drinking like they used to, but would occasionally drink when out or have a drink here or there. they didn't go back to their lifestyle of drinking like fishes, thank goodness, but they were in fact able to control themselves and be "normal people."

[shygurl]

my apology, I totally misread something. mea culpe.

[scarlyjones]

Who? Who are these people? Because, Im sorry,...but I dont believe you. Addiction is addiction. You cant ever go back to using. If these "people" you say you know went back to drinking, then they werent ever really alcoholics. Facts are facts. I think its funny how when someone wants to contradict someone they always say the "know somebody"

[shygurl]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Who? Who are these people? Because, Im sorry,...but I dont believe you. Addiction is addiction. You cant ever go back to using. If these "people" you say you know went back to drinking, then they werent ever really alcoholics. Facts are facts. I think its funny how when someone wants to contradict someone they always say the "know somebody"

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you, scarly - I come from a long line of alcoholics on my dad's side of the family.....some have gone on the wagon but they inevitably have the "one drink" and they're right back off. Of any lecture I've been to about Recovery, Addiction.........it's always been said that an addict who's recovering can never have but one smidgen of their "drug of choice".........or they will be hooked again.

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Who? Who are these people? Because, Im sorry,...but I dont believe you. Addiction is addiction. You cant ever go back to using. If these "people" you say you know went back to drinking, then they werent ever really alcoholics. Facts are facts. I think its funny how when someone wants to contradict someone they always say the "know somebody"

 

well, seeing as i am not an alcoholic myself, i wouldn't say it about myself. i would say it about whoever i am talking about. not a hard concept. you don't have to say "people" in quotes; they aren't pseudo-humans.

 

not that it's any of your business, but one of them is my grandfather. he drank like a fish, apparently, for over 40 years and really made life hard on himself and his family. (from what i understand, he was fairly abusive, not physically, but verbally and was just an overall nasty person when he drank--which was allllll the time.) my aunt was murdered by her drunken husband, and after that my grandfather stopped drinking. he will have an occasional drink now and then, and he's never gone back to the way he was, nor does he want to. he doesn't drink to get drunk.

 

you seem to have a hard time understanding the concept that not everyone is just like you, and not everyone fits the same mold. sure, facts are facts, like peaches are fruits and lettuce is a vegetable. but with people, something that is fact for you isn't necessarily a fact for someone else.

 

should an alcoholic drink after getting out of such a bad time in their lives? probably not. can they do it without going back to their old ways? yes. do most of them? probably not. do some? absolutely.

 

it's like "once a cheater, always a cheater." for some it may be valid, but some can reform.

 

you don't have to believe me, that doesn't really matter, and it doesn't change the fact that people you don't know do exist in this world.

 

 

 

[Rosalind]

Dear 2zmom,

 

I have MUCH more to tell you about recovering heroin users....sorry can't do it now, cuz I'm just too bagged - had a VERY long day.

 

But I want you to know I don't do drugs, I am EXACTLY like your daughter - BUT, I got involved with a former IV drug addict.

 

Do NOT listen to POCKY....I can't believe how cruel, rude, cynical, and verbally abusive she has been in the the past to scarlyjones who came on this forum adding a fresh new perspective, and PLENTY of know first-hand knowledge about addictions.....

 

Falling asleep at the keyboard - sorry, later okay?

[Nicholas]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Im sure Im not the only one who takes offense at your putting quotations around the word recovering ( "recovering" ) as if the very idea is a joke. And why is it "needless to say" that they went right back to it? If someone WANTS to quit for themselves they absolutely can. They can also become far better people than YOU. So stop acting like you're better than a "RECOVERING" addict or alcoholic simply because they used to NOT have control of their lives. Atleast they can say they have seen the worst, been to hell and back,..and are a better person FOR it. On this subject, you have proved that ignorance is, indeed, NOT bliss.

 

?

 

I thought the reason that quotation marks were used with the word 'recovering' was to differentiate them between addicts who are actually recovering, rather than people who say they are, but continue to use.