[UPDATE] Ex-gf of 4 yrs sending mixed signals

[leepetrus]

Because it has nothing to do with you.

 

Your dad should have the same relationship, if he wants to keep in touch with her and make it about HIM, and not about YOU.

 

I know, right? But it bothers me that he keeps in touch with her, because from where I see it, there's no meaning behind it.

 

I mean... Back when we were together, he was her father in law. They started talking when there was this one incident two years ago, when I got accepted into a university across the country and was about to move on my own, and she secretly talked to him behind me back and convinced him to pay a private uni for me to stay.

 

I ended being being accepted into a public university in my hometown and didn't have to move at all. But since then they had each other's contact.

 

But since there's nothing of that left, it really bothers me that they talk to each other, cause there's nothing to be talked about. And it somehow keeps her in my life indirectly and it keeps me in hers indirectly.

[ASG]

I know, right? But it bothers me that he keeps in touch with her, because from where I see it, there's no meaning behind it.

 

I mean... Back when we were together, he was her father in law. They started talking when there was this one incident two years ago, when I got accepted into a university across the country and was about to move on my own, and she secretly talked to him behind me back and convinced him to pay a private uni for me to stay.

 

I ended being being accepted into a public university in my hometown and didn't have to move at all. But since then they had each other's contact.

 

But since there's nothing of that left, it really bothers me that they talk to each other, cause there's nothing to be talked about. And it somehow keeps her in my life indirectly and it keeps me in hers indirectly.

 

 

Well... no. YOU might think they have nothing to talk about, because you think their relationship revolves around you. But it might very well NOT.

 

Again, with the same example of my brother's ex. My mom talks to her regularly and meets up for coffee with her. What could they possibly have to talk about if not my brother? Life, it turns out. They get on well and enjoy having coffee dates every once in a while and talk about life in general.

 

Again, it has nothing to do with my brother.

 

Just like you can't forbid your friends from being friends with your ex, the same goes to your family.

 

The respect that needs to happen is that they keep things separate and don't mention it to you or mention you in their interactions.

 

Otherwise, no, you're not in her life nor is she in yours.

[leepetrus]

So after that I decided to road trip for a while and went to another state to let it go. I gave a thought about it and realized I am not part of her life anymore, so I don't have ANY right to interfere with anything else.

 

It was a great trip and it really washed my soul, as I had time to read many books I wanted to and and enough time for self reflection. I came back a new and decided to let go of everything, so i started to pick up the pieces and really entered into the acceptance phase.

 

After that, a few strange things started to happen.

 

I met last week with a common friend, Chris, the one I confronted because he became her friend. Said I had no hard feelings about everything that has happened, that I had no right to interfere in their lives etc, and that I wished her all the best.

 

I also told him that I am moving to Germany in a few months, and if that really worked out nothing of all of this would be that meaningful in the future.

 

He stopped cold faced and said I shouldn't go. That I should have patience and wait a bit longer. When I asked why, he just said "You're rushing your decisions. Wait, goddammit." I told him the only thing that kept me here until now was my ex-gf, but now nothing bounds me. He says "I can't believe you're going. This is bizarre. You shouldn't. She might be angry at you, but she also has the heart to forgive you. Have the patience, you idiot. You've been together for 4 years, she's not happy at all right now, you still have a strong connection to each other. She is still hurt because you neglected her and did some crap at the last few months. But she can get over it. She also has the ability to forgive as much as she was hurt from the situation."

 

I cried a lot that night, and said there was nothing I could do anymore about that, I wanted to set her free and be free, and would get on with my life in another country.

 

A couple days later a close friend of mine, Jake, sent me a message out of the blue, saying he's meeting her. He showed his conversation with her and they were supposed to go out for a coffee, he said he wanted to talk to her. He's gay and also one of my best buddies for life, so I wasn't worried about him hitting on her or anything. I asked to meet him first.

 

We talked, he also said that I should be patient, not judge her or anything, and if it was my will, to move on with my life. So the day came when they were supposed to meet, and when I asked him how was it, he said "she had another plans" and said nothing more. I thought it was weird, but screw it.

 

Now things start to get a little twisted. Once again she started that crap of blocking and unblocking. I gave that no thought at all and last week I completely forgot about her.

 

On last Sunday, however, it was lover's day here in my country. I was feeling depressed seeing all of those lover's posts in FB so I invited a girl friend, Mary, to hang out and get some beers.

 

Now, Mary and Jake are close friends too. We are part of the same circle of friends. So when I met Mary at the bar, here's how the conversation went down:

 

-Hey Petrus! So glad to see you! Where's Paola (my ex-gf)?

-Hell I don't know. Why are you asking me that?

-Wait, weren't you guys back together?

-No? Wtf?

-Well... It's just that me and Jake met her at the bar last week, out of the blue. And she talked to Jake for a long time and then left. When Jake came back, he said he thought the two of you were coming back together.

-I know nothing about that.

-Well... Sorry then. Let's change the subject.

 

I thought it was weird but gave not much mind to it. As I started to come to terms with the end and accept it, I decided it would be nice from me to send an apology and closure handwritten letter, saying I was sorry for hurting and neglecting her during the last months of the relationship. Since I'm moving anyway, I thought it would be good to be an adult and own up to my mistakes in the RS. I delivered it to her house last night. To keep it short, I said a few key things:

 

-I took responsibility for the hurt, without "buts". I mentioned specific situations I know I hurt her, all of them, without brushing over generalities;

-I explained the why's on my side (why I did what I did - insecurities about being able to provide to her);

-I explained how bad I felt now because of all the things that I did: regret, shame and the will of never doing it again.

-It's up to her whether she would forgive me one day or not, but she had every right to not to or hate me;

-I said expected NOTHING from the letter: a reply, a conversation, a second chance or even a thank you;

-I hope she would find peace, happiness and love and moved on with her life and wished all the best;

 

So that's it. I'm still blocked all the way. But these last conversations had kept me scratching me head. I guess I got some closure from sending the letter and now I'm sort of done with it.

 

But how should i act from now on? What if she contacts me? Was i wrong to send her the letter? And what could these conversations with friends mean?

Edited June 15, 2016 by leepetrus
Add a few details on whhat Chris said