Being Generous; Gifts; Acts of Service

[WhirlwindGuy]

Ladies,

 

 

How do you feel about men that are generous with gifts, being attentive, doing things for you just because, etc.

 

 

When I like someone, I typically am fairly attentive, buy gifts, do things when I see they need to be done, etc. For instance, I may bring flowers if you invite me over for the evening. If I notice you are out of something, next time I come over I may magically have it with me to replenish whatever it is (dish soap, ibuprofen, beer, whatever). If I notice your lawn is not mowed, and I know you may not have a way to do it yourself easily, I will offer to bring over my gear and do it for you at some point. After I know you a while, I may offer to take you with me out of town on a work trip, or just on a random spontaneous vacation.

 

 

Is this off putting? Too much? Sometimes I get the impression that women just aren't used to this, and some aren't sure how to take it. Should I refrain, slow down, or stop this?

 

 

I know the girl I am currently seeing has said that sometimes she feels like she is being a mooch and she tries to contribute here and there to our dates. For instance, we went out to the country Sunday and went to a vineyard and lunch. Overall, the day was about 140 dollars. She insisted on giving me her only 20 she had in her wallet. I refused, but she kind of got adamant about it, so I reluctantly accepted it.

 

I know she doesn't have much money left over after bills, and I am totally ok with that. She left a really lucrative career to try and start something new and had to start at the bottom. She is an extremely driven woman and has taken care of herself since she was 17. I don't even remotely think she is mooching.

 

 

What do you think? What's the best way to go about being me, but not making her feel like she is mooching or freeloading off of me.

Edited May 24, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[d0nnivain]

If I'm otherwise into the guy all of those things are amazing. If I don't like him as much as he likes me, they feel creepy, over the top & invasive because I know I don't reciprocate.

 

 

Generous is always better then stingy but build up to these things. Service is also better than stuff. Showing up with beer or dessert is fine flowers every time is too much.

[Gaeta]

I think it's lovely.

 

Like D said if I am into the guy that will sweep me off my feet.

 

My boyfriend is that type of man. I had to have a little 'get use to it' because I had been single for 10 years and got used to do things on my own. Each times he sees something broken or some yard maintenance that needs to be done he's all over it. It makes me feel loved and save. I have not lifted a bag of groceries in 6 months, it's amazing lol

[Dork Vader]

Okay, so your girl friend is trying to set a boundary with you. It seems you are making her feel uncomfortable with all the gifts. It does not mean she is less interested in you, she simply wants balance to the relationship/dating which is a great thing.

 

That said you should tone it down. Giving to many gifts, to many compliments and so on can lead to a person feeling like they are smothered. It can also push them to a place were they feel you are more into them then are into you.

 

Here is what I would do, No more gifts for a while. Keep the dates cheap and fun you don't have to spend $140+ a date to have a good time. Cheap dates are great and can be a lot of fun.

 

If you want to bring her flowers, then wait for a reason to do it. Such as you dating for one month or something a long those lines.

[Tayla]

Gifts given in sincerity are a lovely compliment to the relationship or person.

 

Sadly some folks perceive it as "buying" ones love or attention.

 

I do not.

 

Reciprocating is often done in varying ways....I actually enjoy washing cars and detailing,so while I cannot afford to buy my date a 200$ car detail job, I can detail his automobile as a gesture of kindness. Just make sure that when offering they are okay with it. It would look odd if at 5 am your gal is out there detailing it and your car alarm goes off!

[Wave Rider]

In my relationships, I've tended to get back a lot less than I gave, though it wasn't material gifts. I wouldn't have given my girlfriends such gifts because they would have rejected them on the grounds that they would not want to be obligated to give something back in return. I was dating women who were scared of commitment, and giving them gifts would only make them more scared, because it implies more commitment. And they would feel guilty for accepting a series of gifts that they had no intention of reciprocating. This may not help you much, other than to consider her perspective that if she's less committed the relationship than you are, then she may feel guilty about accepting your generosity.

Edited May 24, 2016 by Wave Rider

[PrettyEmily77]

If she doesn't feel comfortable, I'd listen to her - if she is independent and doesn't like the feeling of mooching, I'd plan things I knew she'd be able to reciprocate or participate in.

 

She may not like the idea that she would owe you anything so early in the relationship and to be totally honest, I get that. I'm sure you mean well, and you may very well be the exception to the rule, but I've never seen it be the case IRL that men who are over-generous, especially at the start of a relationship, don't have any sort of expectation at some point.

 

IME, when it turns sour, the conversations generally turn to 'but I got you all of these things, you could be grateful and show your appreciation' in arguments, and she may be a little anxious of that.

 

The thought behind the stuff matters more to the stuff itself anyway, in general .

[WhirlwindGuy]

If she doesn't feel comfortable, I'd listen to her - if she is independent and doesn't like the feeling of mooching, I'd plan things I knew she'd be able to reciprocate or participate in.

 

She may not like the idea that she would owe you anything so early in the relationship and to be totally honest, I get that. I'm sure you mean well, and you may very well be the exception to the rule, but I've never seen it be the case IRL that men who are over-generous, especially at the start of a relationship, don't have any sort of expectation at some point.

 

IME, when it turns sour, the conversations generally turn to 'but I got you all of these things, you could be grateful and show your appreciation' in arguments, and she may be a little anxious of that.

 

The thought behind the stuff matters more to the stuff itself anyway, in general .

 

 

 

I get that for sure. For me, I have never expected anything back in return. For my own wallets sake, I should probably be more discerning, but often times it really isn't about the money. I've never given much care about money. It is just about doing something nice for someone that I care about. It isn't always gifts, its just taking care of someone.

 

 

I mentioned, this weekend, that after all the rain we got, we should mow the lawn. I would go get my lawnmower and what not from storage and come do it. She said, "Absolutely not, that is my responsibility!" I said, "Yes, but your lawnmower is broke, it really isn't a big deal." She said, you don't have to do that, ill deal with it...so I left it alone. She said later that I had given her a complex that her lawn was out of order. I once again said it isn't that bad now, but it will grow like crazy soon since it rained a lot, and its easier to deal with now than wait until it is out of control. I didn't insist though, I just changed the subject.

 

 

I don't want to be insulting, I was just trying to offer help. I know its gotta be strange though for someone that is used to dealing with things on her own for over 15 years to have someone so readily willing to step in like that. Probably will take some getting used to.

 

 

We talked about life goals before and one of the things she said she wanted was just a partner that took care of her, made her feel safe and cared for; someone that could be her partner. Which is amazing to hear, because that is who I would like to be for someone. It is early, so I feel like in time we will learn to let those guards down and trust more.

[amaysngrace]

It sounds a little ocd to me.

To add: the guy who did that stuff for me was very ocd so no offense to WWG unless you have ocd too but it just reminds me of someone with ocd.

Edited May 24, 2016 by amaysngrace

[jen1447]

I agree that it depends entirely on if you're 'in' or not. An orbiter doing that won't go over well most likely, and even someone you're just dating is a bit of a stretch unless you've advanced past several dates, but a BF, sure.

[PrettyEmily77]

We talked about life goals before and one of the things she said she wanted was just a partner that took care of her, made her feel safe and cared for; someone that could be her partner. Which is amazing to hear, because that is who I would like to be for someone. It is early, so I feel like in time we will learn to let those guards down and trust more.

 

The simple fact you're here wondering means you're on the right track. Yeah, she will probably need plenty of time to establish trust and consistency.

 

Good luck!

[preraph]

You shouldn't do more than is reciprocal. A lady friend of mine was always a gift giver and her shrink told her it's poor self-esteem and that she needed to work on not trying to buy friendship.

 

Listen to whatever the woman is saying about it. If she says, "Oh, no, I don't want you to do that," don't do it. I mean it. On the other hand, if you mow her lawn and she brings you an ice tea and gives you a kiss and brags on you for helping her out, then do it. But once she is uncomfortable, that means she can't reciprocate, and you need to back off.

[Gloria25]

If you're giving to make "you" feel good w/o considering the wishes of the recipient, then how can you feel good about it?

 

I mean, isn't the point of giving to make the recipient happy? So, if they say 'no gift' or only 'spend' $10, then you should respect that, cuz otherwise the "giving" turns into all about "you".

 

I don't like it when people don't respect my wishes when it comes to gift giving...when they do, I regift what they gave me and to heck with what they think.

[WhirlwindGuy]

If you're giving to make "you" feel good w/o considering the wishes of the recipient, then how can you feel good about it?

 

I mean, isn't the point of giving to make the recipient happy? So, if they say 'no gift' or only 'spend' $10, then you should respect that, cuz otherwise the "giving" turns into all about "you".

 

I don't like it when people don't respect my wishes when it comes to gift giving...when they do, I regift what they gave me and to heck with what they think.

 

 

 

I have never really given a gift with the sole intention of inflating my ego. My main logic is, coming from a 10 year marriage, I know that it is nice to have someone care about you and do things for you. Little things that make life easier.

 

 

An example. My girl and I went out last Tuesday and she had a bit too much to drink. She woke up hung over before work and asked if I could grab her some Excedrin from the cabinet. I did and realized she only had a couple left. Friday I was slated to go over again and I had to make a stop at Walmart anyway. I remembered she was almost out of Excedrin so I bought some more while I was there. Not a big deal by any means, I don't even know if I told her, I just put them in the cabinet.

 

 

I grew up, half of my young adulthood, in Germany. In most places ive been to in Europe, if someone invites you to their house, you bring a gift. Flowers, wine, cheese, something. I am just in the habit now of doing that when I go to visit someone. I think its a nice gesture.

 

 

Sure it feels nice to give someone a gift and they be grateful, but its hardly my motivation.

 

 

I do understand what you are saying though, and giving gifts just to inflate your ego is definitely the wrong way to go about things. Also doing things just to "indebt" someone to you is underhanded as well.

Edited May 25, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy