Guy I'm seeing lied about his ex girlfriend, am I overreacting?

[Badluckbetty]

Hi guys, I'm new here and just looking for a bit of advice and support. I hope I have posted this to the right place! Sorry in advance for the long post!

 

I'm 21 (F) the guy I have been dating for just over a month is 25 let's call him Tom. Just to give a bit if background We have been on about 4 dates so far and they have been great! He always asked what I enjoyed doing and would plan the dates around that. Always offered to pay for everything (although I did not let him lol). We were just having a really good time. We have recently just started having sex within the last week or so.

 

Now, when we first met, Tom told me he booked a lads holiday to Magaluf with his friends. If any of you are familiar with Magaluf, you'll know its reputation as being a party destination with a huge emphasis on sex and hooking up. For me this was a red flag, however as we'd just met and he seemed nice I didn't want to write him off completely.

 

Now, he's flying to Magaluf from a destination outside our hometown, which also happens to be where his ex gf lives. He visited this city the other day claiming that 'he had to sort some things out with his friend for the holiday'. This did not come across as suspicious to me as I didn't know at the time that this is where his ex gf lives. However, the day before he flee out, he snapchatted a picture of him with his ex gf and tagged her in a 'check in' post on facebook. He didn't mention anything to me about seeing her.

 

At this point I feel hurt and pretty stupid. Tom has been very open about remaining friends with his ex but I find it weird that he didn't mention that he'd be with her... I have absolutely no intention of initiaring contact with him while he is away and at this point I'm starting to think that I should cease contact all together. I know it's only been a month but I have invested feelings into this guy. I'm angry and want nothing to do with him right now. Am I overreacting? Any help, advice, an outsiders perspective would be much appreciated please

 

TLDR; boy I've been dating for over a month didnt tell me that he'd be spending time with his ex gf before his lads holiday.

[kendahke]

Have you two had the talk about exclusivity yet? I think that that is an important factor which you haven't mentioned.

 

Having sex with him is not an agreement to exclusivity.

 

It would seem that his ex isn't as ex as he'd like for you to believe.

 

I think that your ire is misplaced, considering your relationship hasn't been officially defined and agreed upon---or you haven't mentioned that in your initial post. Some clarification would be cool.

[preraph]

Just keep dating other guys and be open about it. Obviously, his head is elsewhere, plus like many guys, he'd rather have two women than one. So you just keep dating around and put him on the back burner.

[smackie9]

So this guy is a cheating liar but that's ok because you have feelings for him? You are pretty desperate if you already have invested yourself this much only after 4 dates. The red flags are there...frickin run away from him as fast as you can.

[GunslingerRoland]

Tom has been very open about remaining friends with his ex but I find it weird that he didn't mention that he'd be with her...

 

So you know that they are friends already, do you have reason to believe they were meeting as other than friends?

 

 

On the one hand I get why you would be bothered that he omitted it, except that you already know they are friends... you're either okay with him being friends with his ex or you aren't. If you have to have a special agreement that he clears it with you every time he sees her in any context as a friend, then you clearly aren't okay with it, but you haven't even told him that.

 

 

Also are they mutual friends with the people that you knew he was going to see while there?

[elaine567]

This isn 't worth it.

It is never a good idea to get mixed up in the middle of two people who have unfinished business with each other.

The ex is still very much in his life.

He "hid" going to visit her, from you and that is not a good sign.

Do you even know who these "friends" are he is going on holiday with, could the ex be going to Magaluf too?

[Badluckbetty]

Have you two had the talk about exclusivity yet? I think that that is an important factor which you haven't mentioned.

 

Having sex with him is not an agreement to exclusivity.

 

It would seem that his ex isn't as ex as he'd like for you to believe.

 

I think that your ire is misplaced, considering your relationship hasn't been officially defined and agreed upon---or you haven't mentioned that in your initial post. Some clarification would be cool.

 

Hey thanks for your reply. You're right, we havent had the exclusively talk, he mentioned that he is no longer on dating sites. However of course that doesn't automatically equal exclusivity!

[Badluckbetty]

So this guy is a cheating liar but that's ok because you have feelings for him? You are pretty desperate if you already have invested yourself this much only after 4 dates. The red flags are there...frickin run away from him as fast as you can.

 

Think it's unecessary for you to call me desperate. Some people invest themselves after one date, everyone is different. You don't know me and to label me as desperate is unfair

[Badluckbetty]

This isn 't worth it.

It is never a good idea to get mixed up in the middle of two people who have unfinished business with each other.

The ex is still very much in his life.

He "hid" going to visit her, from you and that is not a good sign.

Do you even know who these "friends" are he is going on holiday with, could the ex be going to Magaluf too?

 

Hey thanks for your reply.

 

Yeah I completely agree, thats why I mentioned cutting contact. Yeah I knoe who the friends are, I am unsure of whether she is going too though. That thought definitely did cross my mind!

[Badluckbetty]

So you know that they are friends already, do you have reason to believe they were meeting as other than friends?

 

 

On the one hand I get why you would be bothered that he omitted it, except that you already know they are friends... you're either okay with him being friends with his ex or you aren't. If you have to have a special agreement that he clears it with you every time he sees her in any context as a friend, then you clearly aren't okay with it, but you haven't even told him that.

 

 

Also are they mutual friends with the people that you knew he was going to see while there?

 

Hi there!

 

I don't really but the fact that he hid it made me think that I should have a reason to believe so? It also occured to me that he didn't want to mention it because he didn't want to put me off him? I'm really not sure.

 

I can be quite a jealous person to be honest. But if someone was friends with their ex and they genuinely were just friends I would try my hardest to give the benefit of the doubt! However because everything is still new I kind of feel like I should knock it on the head before things get worse.

 

I think they may be mutual friends with them yes.

[d0nnivain]

Badluckbetty

 

 

You don't have bad luck. You made bad choices.

 

 

Anybody who tries to tell you that its OK for them to friends with an EX is somebody you need to stop talking to. That person is a liar with poor boundaries. If somebody has seen you naked, unless you have kids with them, once you break up you break off all contact. Anything else is problematic.

 

 

After learning that this guy spends time in a town you don't approve of -- whether it be Magaluf, Las Vegas or Rio -- any town known as party central when you aren't crazy about that is a yellow flag. If he just got back but is off again, he's making choices that won't sit well with you in the long run.

 

 

Before confirming exclusivity you had sex & gave your heart away. Bad move on your part. When you invest before you get what you want -- exclusivity & commitment -- to have sex & give away your heart, this is what happens: you get hurt.

 

 

I'm sorry this happened but any guy who is checking in with an EX before a trip to party down is not getting a welcome home from me.

[Badluckbetty]

Badluckbetty

 

 

You don't have bad luck. You made bad choices.

 

 

Anybody who tries to tell you that its OK for them to friends with an EX is somebody you need to stop talking to. That person is a liar with poor boundaries. If somebody has seen you naked, unless you have kids with them, once you break up you break off all contact. Anything else is problematic.

 

 

After learning that this guy spends time in a town you don't approve of -- whether it be Magaluf, Las Vegas or Rio -- any town known as party central when you aren't crazy about that is a yellow flag. If he just got back but is off again, he's making choices that won't sit well with you in the long run.

 

 

Before confirming exclusivity you had sex & gave your heart away. Bad move on your part. When you invest before you get what you want -- exclusivity & commitment -- to have sex & give away your heart, this is what happens: you get hurt.

 

 

I'm sorry this happened but any guy who is checking in with an EX before a trip to party down is not getting a welcome home from me.

 

Hi thank you for your reply.

 

I agree with you. I think sometimes I just throw myself into things hoping for the best. I'm still young and learning so hopefully I can learn from this mistake. I love your comment about the commitment and exclusivity before investing so thank you for that. Wish someone had told me that before lol

 

Ah well, suppose I shall just cut contact and move on

[Versacehottie]

I have a silly question (and I don't usually think like this!)>>>>

 

do you think he's actually on the vacation with the "ex"gf?

 

sorry to plant a seed but it seems like a distinct possibility to me.

[Miss Peach]

Before confirming exclusivity you had sex & gave your heart away. Bad move on your part. When you invest before you get what you want -- exclusivity & commitment -- to have sex & give away your heart, this is what happens: you get hurt.

 

I'm sorry this happened but any guy who is checking in with an EX before a trip to party down is not getting a welcome home from me.

 

I totally agree with this part.

 

When I was a little younger than you I had a BF who used to do stuff like this and then 'forget' to tell me. I found out about several situation innocently like you did except his came out after we moved in together. I really wish I had just left him but I didn't know better at that time.

[Gaeta]

well....looks like I'll be the only one thinking you are over-reacting.

 

This is a new relationship and after 4 dates he does not have to report to you on his whereabouts and which friend he is spending time with. You were told he was friend with an ex girlfriend so of course he will visit her if he is in her town. Do you expect him to report to you each time he spends time with Jason, or George, or Kyle ? I don't think so but he has to report to you on time spend with female friend?

 

So my advice to you is to relax. You are not even exclusive. Let him enjoy his trip and pick up from where you left when he comes back.

 

If people friends with exs is a problem then don't date these men. If you are ok with it then be ok with it for real.

[frus69]

If you are ok with people being friends with ex, then you are over-reacting.

If you are not ok with friends with ex, then you are not over-reacting

[Badluckbetty]

I have a silly question (and I don't usually think like this!)>>>>

 

do you think he's actually on the vacation with the "ex"gf?

 

sorry to plant a seed but it seems like a distinct possibility to me.

 

Hey there, he went on holiday with his friends. However I am unsure if the ex gf has gone too. Its a lads holiday so as far as I'm aware she wasn't going.

[Badluckbetty]

well....looks like I'll be the only one thinking you are over-reacting.

 

This is a new relationship and after 4 dates he does not have to report to you on his whereabouts and which friend he is spending time with. You were told he was friend with an ex girlfriend so of course he will visit her if he is in her town. Do you expect him to report to you each time he spends time with Jason, or George, or Kyle ? I don't think so but he has to report to you on time spend with female friend?

 

So my advice to you is to relax. You are not even exclusive. Let him enjoy his trip and pick up from where you left when he comes back.

 

If people friends with exs is a problem then don't date these men. If you are ok with it then be ok with it for real.

 

Thanks for your reply Gaeta. One of my friends who I spoke to about this gave me a similar response. I completley agree that because we're not exclusive he doesn't have to report to me and I was wrong in assuming so! Do you think he could have not said anything because he didn't want to put me off? When we've spoke he has been very positive about things and the possible future, however I have heard all this before so I'm not holding my breath.

 

Thanks for a different perspective though

[Gaeta]

Thanks for your reply Gaeta. One of my friends who I spoke to about this gave me a similar response. I completley agree that because we're not exclusive he doesn't have to report to me and I was wrong in assuming so! Do you think he could have not said anything because he didn't want to put me off? When we've spoke he has been very positive about things and the possible future, however I have heard all this before so I'm not holding my breath.

 

Thanks for a different perspective though

 

He did not mention it because it did not cross his mind mentioning it. To him it's visiting a friend so nothing out of the ordinary to mention.

 

Men don't talk in details about their plans and what they did. Sometimes I learn days later my boyfriend met a friend from out of town. It's just not in them like us. When I talk about my day to my boyfriend I give enough details to put him to sleep lol

[Versacehottie]

Hey there, he went on holiday with his friends. However I am unsure if the ex gf has gone too. Its a lads holiday so as far as I'm aware she wasn't going.

 

Ok, well, I hope he hasn't. Anyway, i might agree with Gaeta otherwise--like I said I rarely jump to the conclusions I am saying might be a possibility (i guess a photo or snapchat with her makes it seem like they are about to head off onto holiday, that's all).

 

But let's say it's not that, he didn't really lie. He omitted, which could be a bad thing or it could mean nothing much. I think you two probably aren't as far along as you think you are. That's why he didn't feel the need to share the info about seeing her. Maybe they had stuff to exchange? Needless to say, I think if you aren't exclusive or bf/gf, it's hard to put limits on him not being able to see her. That's kind of to your advantage though, if it's important to you, then make it a condition of being exclusive (well nicer than that but hopefully you understand what I mean). Good luck

[Space Ritual]

Just cut contact with him, OP.

 

If he is going to Magaluf he is going with the express intention of trying to have as much sex as he can. His ex GF may be there, she may not. But tagging her in a check in is about as dumb as they come.

 

He telegraphed you his intentions to be a bit of a cad.

 

Don't waste your time on him. If you did have sex with him, please get an STD test to be safe. Magaluf is a village of cold sores waiting to happen.. Him going there in the first place would have been your first indication he wasn't worth your time.

[kendahke]

Hey thanks for your reply. You're right, we havent had the exclusively talk, he mentioned that he is no longer on dating sites. However of course that doesn't automatically equal exclusivity!

 

No, it doesn't. His ex isn't on the dating site either, but he's spending time with her and not mentioning it to you. At this stage of your involvement with him, he may or may not owe you that much disclosure, but it's quite troubling that even at this early stage of things, he's doing shady stuff and basically lying to you by omission.

 

I myself would take a huge step back. He has some unfinished messiness that requires him to keep it from you--because if it was all above board, he would have told you he was going there and why so that there were no secrets between you two.

 

Starting out a potential relationship with a lie by omission isn't a good omen.

[Toodaloo]

Now, when we first met, Tom told me he booked a lads holiday to Magaluf with his friends. If any of you are familiar with Magaluf, you'll know its reputation as being a party destination with a huge emphasis on sex and hooking up. For me this was a red flag, however as we'd just met and he seemed nice I didn't want to write him off completely.

 

TLDR; boy I've been dating for over a month didnt tell me that he'd be spending time with his ex gf before his lads holiday.

 

Oh you mean Shagaluf?!

 

OK so here is the thing. Guys like to brag that they are getting it more than they are... to other guys.

 

Sometimes exes can remain friends more so when its a young couple who had fun but both were happy to go on and meet others.

 

What I think you should do.

 

Relax, its been a month. He is yet to prove himself. This is a perfect opportunity for him to do so!

 

When he gets back if he went with his ex - dump him

When he gets back if he does not talk about exclusivity etc - dump him

When he gets back if you find any shred of evidence that he has behaved in any way shape or form inappropriately - you got it! dump him.

 

For now give the guy a chance - he may well just be young and still bit of an idiot.

 

This is one of two things.

 

He is an idiot with no clue or

He is a cheating scrot bag.