Almost at my wits end on Girlfriend chatting with other guy

[Darren Steez]

I need to reiterate that when I say our relationship was truly great, I mean it. In every way.

 

 

Except it's not.

 

She's banging another guy.

 

Kinda makes it not great.

 

I mean it's great for her, best of two worlds and all, and you allow her to cheat repeatedly and she's not stopping.

 

So yeah great for her, but not for you.

 

Not great at all.

 

Not great.

[JustGettingBy]

You've given her multiple chances and she's blown it. End it and find a woman who plays fair.

[CarrieT]

And i'm honestly trying to still decide if this is recoverable or not.

From our standpoint, it is not recoverable because she is continuing to try and manipulate you into believing that flirting with other men is acceptable. Google gas lighting and blame-shifting. She is putting the onus of the problems on your shoulders when they belong on her's.

 

Question to the women.

 

One of the things she brought up is, she likes to flirt with guys. She says its ok for women to flirt with guys. I disagreed and said people in committed relationships don't flirt. I said I don't flirt with other women, etc.

She is wrong.

[VeveCakes]

She's cheating on you! How can you let yourself be such a doormat? You really think it's ok for someone to graphically sext another person and then brush it off as flirting?

 

She's lying.

 

Dump her and don't look back. Get tested while you are at it.

[frus69]

Some people are just doormat. He is made for her, because who else will put up sh*t like this? They might as well stick with each other for the rest of their lives, at least she cant go cheat on other guys anymore.

[salparadise]

What do you want from us, JoeSmith? Are you looking for a way to rationalize and happily accept her behavior, a way to make her loyal and trustworthy, or do you just want people to feel sorry for you? Think about it and tell us exactly what you want from us... that may increase your awareness and allow us to actually help rather than ridicule.

 

People, please don't ridicule OP. He's not in a good place here. We're better than that.

[d0nnivain]

Joe

 

You may love her & you may have thought your relationship was great. Here's the thing: She didn't. Dick pix etc., honey, she's looking for strange. She is not satisfied with you. She needs other men for validation. Especially since this all went on behind your back and this guy is an EX, your live in GF is not as committed to to you are you are to her.

 

If you want one last wake up call ask her what she would tell her teenaged son if he found out his GF was getting flirty messages, playing . . . what'd you call it, Internet footsie, with some other guy & receiving naked photos. As a mom, she'd tell him to drop that floozy like a hot potato.

 

This either has to stop cold turkey with her sending one final message to the guys to stay away from her because she has finally realized that her behavior is a violation of your relationship & then she needs to hand over her phone to let you manually block them. Plus I think you get to do periodic checks for a while. Unless she is ready to make that commitment to you, you stick around at your own peril. If I were you I'd insist in STD tests at her expense.

[salparadise]

This either has to stop cold turkey with her sending one final message to the guys to stay away from her because she has finally realized that her behavior is a violation of your relationship & then she needs to hand over her phone to let you manually block them. Plus I think you get to do periodic checks for a while. Unless she is ready to make that commitment to you...

 

 

The problem with this is that it's only treating the symptoms. The cause is that she is fundamentally incapable of being a loyal, trusted partner––disingenuous, uncaring, no empathy or remorse. He can't fix that by insisting that she take two aspirins.

[d0nnivain]

Sal

 

You are probably right but it was the only proactive step I could think of as a start. Maybe (unlikely but maybe) she wants to change.

[Toodaloo]

So she and her son are living with you.

 

Give them notice. Tell her she has one month to move out.

 

Get all of her belongings and move her out of your bedroom. She can sleep on the floor or the couch she is not to sleep in your bed.

 

If she wants to behave like trash then I am afraid you simply have to throw her away.

 

Her son is her responsibility not yours.

 

Time to kick her out. It will get very messy if you don't.

 

Oh and make sure you remove all of your valuables and take them to a friends for safe keeping before she removes them...

 

Good Luck OP.

[Seerum]

It's sad that this is becoming the norm. Why is it that people find it so hard to have a serious faithful relationship.

 

It has to be very frustrating to be in your shoes and I do feel for you. Unfortunately she is the type to always look for greener grass.

 

Everything was great until she got hit up by someone else then she jumped ship that quick. Not only that for her to do this in front of her teen kid. She is setting a horrible example for him and not thinking of him at all.

 

What is she going to do when you kick her out for being that adulterous W**** that she is being. Guarantee you he ex will not want her or the kid living with him and if so it will only be till the thrill wears down and gets bored with her.

 

This relationship will destroy you, you need to jump ship now. Do not waste any more time thinking about it. All she is doing is using you for a free home to live in. Trust me I have been in those shoes and I was made to feel as if I was the bad guy and put off breaking up with her till I almost had a breakdown I was getting so stressed about it all.

 

Get away quick and clean. Make sure she takes everything that is hers. Do not give her any excuse to come back there. She will try to weasel her way back in.

 

Good luck.

[coolheadal]

I need to reiterate that when I say our relationship was truly great, I mean it. In every way.

 

How she can one minute tell me how much she loves me, and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, then 10 minutes later is sending naked pictures of herself and sexting / fantasizing about how much she loves to have him come inside of her and feel her wrap around his dick, to a guy she dated 15 years ago is absolutely beyond me.

 

When this happened, the issue with the pics and the sexting a few months ago, I asked her point blank, "honey is there something either I am doing or NOT doing that is making you go outside of our relationship for"? And she said no... she said I am the best thing that has happened to her.

 

I'm almost beginning to think she has something psychologically wrong with her (bipolar?) or something.

 

She does have a history of being in abusive and controlling relationships. I have always treaded lightly when it came to things like like this that might come across as meddling. But when it's thrown in your face like this, it cant be ignored.

 

I'm just at a loss for words. Something does not add up here. If she's just a cheating sociopath, I have to cut the cord. I feel I have thrown 3 years of my life away almost.

 

Things like this is just "unhealthy behavior disorder" with her you just need to understand what are the signs and you clearly see them for what you said above. I say you need to think again about her. AsK yourself these questions;

 

1. Is this the girl you want to be with for the rest of our life?

2. Can you put up with all this nonsense behavioral issues?

3. Could you marry her right now?

4. How can you stay with her knowing what she's doing?

5. Are you letting the love for her stand in your way of judgement?

 

If this was me I would have just slowly taken "THE EXIT DOOR"

[Keke1]

So having the conversation yesterday, she thinks I am suffocating her because she thinks I won't let her have any guy friends.

 

I pointed out to her at least 4 male friends I have no issue with her being good friends with. I then point out that she's not sending nude pictures to them, they arent sending nude pictures to her, and they are not engaged in sexting or sexual texts back and forth.

 

THAT didn't go over very well. I know women hate to be corrected, but for ****s sake... take some responsibility.

 

Since she and her son LIVE with me, this is a little more difficult than just kicking her to the curb.

 

And i'm honestly trying to still decide if this is recoverable or not. But she is going to have to take some responsibility here.

 

Question to the women.

 

One of the things she brought up is, she likes to flirt with guys. She says its ok for women to flirt with guys. I disagreed and said people in committed relationships don't flirt. I said I don't flirt with other women, etc.

 

She's in her mid-late 30's and acting like a single teenager or early 20's

I've only gotten this far but everything you're writing doesn't matter because it seems you're not going to do anything about this mess. You're asking questions that you know the answer to. She probably practices in the mirror saying you're the best thing that's ever happened to her.

 

Another thing. I know ppl always say trust and don't check phones etc... The way ppl are though man IDK anymore. The hiding and sneaking around it's disgusting.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I'm not looking for validation or for someone to tell me it's ok (it's not, and I know it)

 

I'm looking to try to understand the mentality of my GF. Trying to understand the behavior.

 

Something beyond "she's broken"...

 

Maybe she is, and this is just done. Maybe this behavior is uncorrectable. That's what I was trying to gauge.

 

I'm just really at a loss as to why / how someone would / could be living 2 lives. I'm getting the message pretty loudly here from everyone that this is unrecoverable, and she's just deeply flawed as a person.

 

Maybe i'm blind, or in denial, and just trying to make it work. A third party perspective has helped me see through some of the bull**** for what it is... bull**** and excuses

[JS84]

Dude there's nothing to understand. She's a cheater and has no respect for you. There are plenty of people out there just like your girlfriend. She isn't unique and neither is her way or thinking or her behavior. That's it. Personally I have a harder time understanding people who try to hold on for dear life to people like your girlfriend than I do your girlfriend.

 

What is understanding her mentality going to do for you exactly??? She's cheating on you, gaslighting you, lying to you, and isn't going to stop. Hell she was probably screwing you over before you moved in together.

[Zahara]

When I caught my ex cheating on me with at least 4 women, I sat there for months after the break-up trying to "understand" the mentality of my ex. Wasted effort. Years later, he's still cheating.

 

It is said that those that focus on someone else's issues often use it as an excuse because they're avoidant and incapable of focusing inward and reflecting on their own shortcomings.

 

Best to figure out your own dysfunction in that a woman is blatantly cheating on you yet you choose to stay and rationalize/analyze rather than do the healthy thing and leave. The fact that you are still there is indicative of your own emotional and mental dysfunction. Lack of self-respect and self-love. Stop looking at her. Look at YOU.

 

She's destructive. Emotionally and mentally dysfunctional. You on the other hand should be focusing on yourself and what about YOU keeps you in a situation that keeps tearing at your self-esteem.

[Friskyone4u]

I'm not looking for validation or for someone to tell me it's ok (it's not, and I know it)

 

I'm looking to try to understand the mentality of my GF. Trying to understand the behavior.

 

Something beyond "she's broken"...

 

Maybe she is, and this is just done. Maybe this behavior is uncorrectable. That's what I was trying to gauge.

 

I'm just really at a loss as to why / how someone would / could be living 2 lives. I'm getting the message pretty loudly here from everyone that this is unrecoverable, and she's just deeply flawed as a person.

 

Maybe i'm blind, or in denial, and just trying to make it work. A third party perspective has helped me see through some of the bull**** for what it is... bull**** and excuses

 

Lets start at the beginning. First, you know something is way off here, but you are for sure still in DENIAL, and that will cause you some more unnecessary hurt.

 

The person who figures out a definitive answer as to how someone can live two lives will be an instant billionaire. So that answer that you are looking for you will not get here. She obviously has the mental capacity to compartmentalize what she is doing, which is why you are under the illusion that your relationship is somehow GREAT. Those that cannot do that would be finding tons of flaws in you.

 

What is truly preposterous is her assertion that its ok to flirt with other men and send them nude photos. There is a big difference in wanting to look nice to get some glances from men versus what she is doing, so that explanation is worse than bull ****. You are giving her too much credit even listenong to more than one sentence of that nonsense.

 

And lastly, i might have missed it but so far you do not have any concrete verifiable information that they are not hooking up physically. one thing you can take to the bank that if you sit there and allow her to continue to live you you and do this that it will turn physical with this OM or someone else.

 

You cannot control here but you sure as hell can take the position you refuse to remain in this open relationship she has decided is just fine for her to continue.

 

So you have two clear cut choices my friend.

(1) you can suck it up and let her have her fun

(2) you can provide her with some clear cut consequences unless it stops, and stops immediately.

 

if you choose option 1, there is no advice anyone can give you that can really help you. if you choose option 2, you can get a lot of good advice here.

[Omei]

Why the heck would you give her another chance the first time she was doing it you had to break and arm and leg to get her to stop she argues your valid feelings no one puts up with that lol you already gave her a 2nd chance and she hid it for a month argued and denied your feelings twice and now you're actually giving her a 3rd chance and she's changed her pws.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself what more proof do you need that this woman doesn't respect you or care for you as a partner her only regret and panic is probably because she's afraid how it will effect her and her sons living situation, if a better situation presented itself sounds like she would be gone in a heart beat.

[Chi townD]

I'm not looking for validation or for someone to tell me it's ok (it's not, and I know it)

 

I'm looking to try to understand the mentality of my GF. Trying to understand the behavior.

 

Something beyond "she's broken"...

 

Maybe she is, and this is just done. Maybe this behavior is uncorrectable. That's what I was trying to gauge.

 

I'm just really at a loss as to why / how someone would / could be living 2 lives. I'm getting the message pretty loudly here from everyone that this is unrecoverable, and she's just deeply flawed as a person.

 

Maybe i'm blind, or in denial, and just trying to make it work. A third party perspective has helped me see through some of the bull**** for what it is... bull**** and excuses

 

 

Okay, here's the rub for you to understanding your girlfriend. She's hooked up with this guy already. She's already cheated on you.

 

One thing you have to understand with cheaters is that they will only admit to what you can prove. You saw the pics and the flirty messages. Therefore, she will only admit to that. And you've seen her story crumble too! She states that she can't have male friends, but forgot about the nudes until you pointed that fact out to her again.

 

Dude, this goes deeper than you know.

[Fatezero1]

I'm not looking for validation or for someone to tell me it's ok (it's not, and I know it)

 

I'm looking to try to understand the mentality of my GF. Trying to understand the behavior.

 

Something beyond "she's broken"...

 

Maybe she is, and this is just done. Maybe this behavior is uncorrectable. That's what I was trying to gauge.

 

I'm just really at a loss as to why / how someone would / could be living 2 lives. I'm getting the message pretty loudly here from everyone that this is unrecoverable, and she's just deeply flawed as a person.

 

Maybe i'm blind, or in denial, and just trying to make it work. A third party perspective has helped me see through some of the bull**** for what it is... bull**** and excuses

 

 

I came to this sub topic of jealousy, cheating, and flirting because I was having some issues with my girlfriend having guy friends she talks to a lot. So I was scanning for similar situations. This however is kind of sad...I broke up with my previous ex just for her saying she has feelings for another guy, but sexting other dudes, most likely sleeping with them, eating your food and charging her phone with your electricity so she can do it is something else...Have some self respect and end this...There is no reason I would ever get back in a relationship like this if I were you, but if you wanted her to respect you, and wanted it to work for God knows what reason, you will have a way better chance if you kicked her to the curb. She will at least develop some respect for you as a man...But for goodness sake, end it for good...

[Darren Steez]

I'm not looking for validation or for someone to tell me it's ok (it's not, and I know it)

 

I'm looking to try to understand the mentality of my GF. Trying to understand the behavior.

 

Something beyond "she's broken"...

 

Maybe she is, and this is just done. Maybe this behavior is uncorrectable. That's what I was trying to gauge.

 

I'm just really at a loss as to why / how someone would / could be living 2 lives. I'm getting the message pretty loudly here from everyone that this is unrecoverable, and she's just deeply flawed as a person.

 

Maybe i'm blind, or in denial, and just trying to make it work. A third party perspective has helped me see through some of the bull**** for what it is... bull**** and excuses

 

There's nothing to understand.

 

Once you found out what was happening, it should have stopped. Now you're at the point of she's actually managed to turn it around to where she's complaining you're suffocating her and keeping her from talking to a guy that wants to bang her.

 

This is an argument you're having.

 

She's arguing you're not letting her talk to a guy that wants to bang her.

 

That is what you're trying to understand? Nope I wouldn't understand either.

 

How crazy is that? You're not allowing her to go and talk to this guy who wants to bang her so she goes and talks to him anyway..but you're suffocating her.

 

You go ahead and be the good boyfriend and let her talk to him..or you refuse and she goes and talks to him anyway, or you keep arguing, she talks to him anyway and you get really mad.

 

Dude, sheesh.

[salparadise]

I'm not looking for validation or for someone to tell me it's ok (it's not, and I know it)

 

I'm looking to try to understand the mentality of my GF. Trying to understand the behavior.

 

Something beyond "she's broken"...

 

Maybe she is, and this is just done. Maybe this behavior is uncorrectable. That's what I was trying to gauge.

 

I'm just really at a loss as to why / how someone would / could be living 2 lives. I'm getting the message pretty loudly here from everyone that this is unrecoverable, and she's just deeply flawed as a person.

 

Maybe i'm blind, or in denial, and just trying to make it work. A third party perspective has helped me see through some of the bull**** for what it is... bull**** and excuses

 

 

How can I explain this succinctly... about a third of the entire field of psychology deals with this realm of human behavior. There are theories based in evolutionary biology/psychology, the study of human development, religion and there are no definitive answers. But there are a few theories dovetail with subsequent research and that are generally accepted by the most respected people in their fields. I'm not going into all of it here but I will tell you where to source the material if you are really interested in the art and science of human behavior.

 

What you need to know is, humanity is built around forming societies wherein altruism, morality, and mutual trust benefits everyone (society overall) via defaulting to cooperation, and the me-first, every-man-for-himself mentality (while perhaps yielding short-term gain for an individual) is primitive and detrimental to society overall. Some of the qualities that facilitate this evolved system are thought to be hard-wired into our brains and personalities. Empathy, love and caring, remorse, honesty and trust, a generally positive regard for fellow man are nearly universal human traits that we develop via biological predisposition and social learning.

 

But for some reason (not fully understood) not everyone participates in our nearly universal system. They tend to have no tolerance for delayed gratification and don't subscribe to the system overall. Instead they try to game the system to come out ahead personally at the expense of others, and the greater good. They probably have significant biological differences [deficiencies].

 

In the more extreme cases we call them sociopaths or psychopaths. In the less extreme form we refer to them as dishonest, disingenuous, pathological liars, etc.

 

It isn't quite understood why these genes aren't extinguished though the evolutionary process, but they do continue to exist despite being considered maladaptive, undesirable, and not beneficial to the predominate systems we thrive by. Evolution needs diversity, though, and a certain preference for retention of diversity may be facilitated in ways we don't understand.

 

What everyone here understands instinctually is that your girlfriend is one of those outliers who do not conform to societal norms, and this is fundamental to her personality and not simply a behavior that can be modified via consequences, reasoning, or somehow acquiring the missing components that most people possess. Her disingenuous, uncaring, remorseless ways are simple who she is.

 

Google "prisoner's dilemma," tit for tat game theory, and read Dawkins' The Selfish Gene or Robert Wright's The Moral Animal if you're truly interested in how we believe these things manifest in humanity and our social structures.

[Buddhist]

I'm not looking for validation or for someone to tell me it's ok (it's not, and I know it)

 

I'm looking to try to understand the mentality of my GF. Trying to understand the behavior.

 

Something beyond "she's broken"...

 

Maybe she is, and this is just done. Maybe this behavior is uncorrectable. That's what I was trying to gauge.

 

I'm just really at a loss as to why / how someone would / could be living 2 lives. I'm getting the message pretty loudly here from everyone that this is unrecoverable, and she's just deeply flawed as a person.

 

Maybe i'm blind, or in denial, and just trying to make it work. A third party perspective has helped me see through some of the bull**** for what it is... bull**** and excuses

 

Okay. Here's the thing. I was in a relationship with a male version of your GF. I did exactly what you are doing now, for almost half a decade. Trying to understand why someone holds no morale values, trying to understand how someone can blatantly lie to my face, trying to understand why he did what he did and why otherwise everything between us seemed perfect.

 

Do you know what it took me almost 5yrs to work out?

 

Some people do not hold the same values as us. That is how they can live double lives, that is how they can lie without conscience, that is how they can pretend to love us when they don't. These people actually believe their own lies, they tell you something and in their own mind it's the truth. They actually believe they love you too. The problem is, their version of love is nothing like love. It's using people, getting what they want at the expense of others and then walking away as if nothing is wrong at all. Who knows where these people learn these idea's from, I could never figure that out.

 

But what I did figure out is that trying to answer these questions just drives you insane. That girl will go on and have probably 2-3 more relationships with other men before you ever find peace with it. She will think nothing of her actions, she imagines this is the right way to live life. She will probably always act like this. There won't be any comeuppance, she will get away with this over and over. It's because she actually believes that she is a good person, true and kind and all those other lies she tells. She has no conscience because she has no values. To her, manipulation = love. That is her understanding of love and she sees no problem with that at all. She manipulates because it works for her, gets her what she wants and she believes that this is how you live life.

 

The only comfort you can find is deciding what you do want in life for yourself and then going after that all the while doing your best to forget this ever happened. Nothing else will bring you any comfort at all. I know that sounds incredibly unsatisfying for where you are right now. And you probably won't be able to leave this bone alone for quite some time. That's okay. You can strew and ponder it for years to come. But she won't ever change.

[MargoJones]

I'm so sorry you're in such pain. Clearly you love this woman unconditionally, but you gave your heart to the WRONG woman. Your brain is not at all involved at this point and you are not seeing your relationship or your girlfriend for what it is, only what you hoped it would be. I'm very sorry to be the bearer of reality here, because I've been in your position, and I KNOW how hard it is to give everything you have to someone who treats you like crap. It's a lot easier to see clearly when it's not you, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that, unless this woman gets a traumatic brain injury that changes her personality, she will never be faithful to you if she has the opportunity to cheat. It's just her nature, and it's not you -of course- so there's nothing you can do about it. Ouch! This is one of the hardest things to deal with in life, not being able to change people you love.

 

I'm horrified by her behavior, just horrified someone could mistreat someone to such an extreme degree and with such cruelty. You should be angry too! You said your hands were shaking because you were so mad, good! That means part of you knows you need to get out immediately, listen to that voice and use the anger to get you through the difficult things you have to do to break up with someone you love. Make a clean break. She sounds like a woman who will value you far more when she doesn't have you, so have a plan for how you're going to deal with when she promises she'll never do it again and the crying and the drama works.

 

Let me say it again CLEAN BREAK. Get her out of your home, or you leave, whatever, and block her on your phone and social networking sites and email. Also, stay busy with your friends and hobbies and meeting new people, stay so busy that you don't have much time to obsess over her, because you probably will for a while. Do not give in to the temptation to go back! It's troubling that you stayed with her after realizing she was engaging in explicit sex conversations with someone else. The fact that you stayed this long means you need to take a good long hard look at yourself to realize WHY you put up with such poor treatment. Maybe consider therapy to explore this, because if you don't look at your willingness to put up with such abuse you'll likely get into another relationship with the same problems. Trust me on this one, your girlfriend is one of the worst horror stories I've EVER heard about bad girlfriends, you should have walked away a long time ago, and the fact that you stayed and still don't know for sure this woman is bad news is kinda alarming and deserves some hard contemplation. But, again, I've been there too! Wishing you the best in raising your standards and moving on and eventually finding a great woman to share your life with. xo

[JoeSmith357-1]

Thanks to all who replied. I have been in denial about this for a long time, don't know what I really expected by posting this, maybe seeing if there was a glimmer of hope to salvage this.

 

I know it probably sounds pitiful how I am handling this, from the outside looking in, I would probably think the same thing too.