Almost at my wits end on Girlfriend chatting with other guy

[aliveagain]

I am even more sick at this point. I am literally shaking in bed as I read this. There was some texts about them making plans to meet up. She had come up with a story about how "a friend" needed to borrow something of hers. I never inquired as to who it was. This plan fell through when he had to work.

 

Even if she told you the truth and physical sex had not happened again, yet. They already laid out the lie, the planned meeting to have sex was set in motion, you bought her "help a friend story" because you blindly trusted her. The only reason they didn't have unprotected sex wasn't because she had a change of heart due to guilt with thoughts of you but because the POS had to work. Everything else went down as planned(as in she and he planned together against you like a team, insert mission impossible music here), guilty, guilty, guilty. It was just a twist of faith that she didn't come home with crusty panties, everything else worked like clockwork. You have been cheated on friend, poor wife material.

[PegNosePete]

I know it probably sounds pitiful how I am handling this, from the outside looking in, I would probably think the same thing too.

So turn it around. Get your self respect back. Have you kicked her out yet?

[JoeSmith357-1]

So turn it around. Get your self respect back. Have you kicked her out yet?

 

I'm at work at the moment, but will set those wheels into motion when I get home.

 

I'm going to have a little more dignity than to break up and kick her out via text message

[JS84]

Whatever you do don't get drawn out into some long 3 or 4 hour conversation about your feelings and the relationship like a lot of men do when you do end it or the whys. You don't owe her any explanations and she should know why things are ending anyway. Just focus on the logistics of separating.

[Fatezero1]

I'm at work at the moment, but will set those wheels into motion when I get home.

 

I'm going to have a little more dignity than to break up and kick her out via text message

 

Let us know how it goes...You deserve better. There are millions of women who will treat you with more respect than this. Even my horrible cheating ex of the past at least had the respect to not do this kind of crap around me lol. Plus even though you have been taking some doormat treatment, you sound like a good honest guy. Don't reward her with such an amazing gift, she doesn't deserve it. You want to really help this woman, take that blessing away from her and she will learn the what the consequences of her actions will have.

Edited June 2, 2016 by Fatezero1

[Keke1]

Thanks to all who replied. I have been in denial about this for a long time, don't know what I really expected by posting this, maybe seeing if there was a glimmer of hope to salvage this.

 

I know it probably sounds pitiful how I am handling this, from the outside looking in, I would probably think the same thing too.

 

Joe if your son told you about this exact situation and wanted advice. What would you tell him?

[smackie9]

Whatever you do don't get drawn out into some long 3 or 4 hour conversation about your feelings and the relationship like a lot of men do when you do end it or the whys. You don't owe her any explanations and she should know why things are ending anyway. Just focus on the logistics of separating.

 

Wanted to discuss the breakup in person is motivated by the glimmer of hope that she will try to make things work.....cut the cord quick and swiftly.

[JoeSmith357-1]

It didn't go well.

 

She's sleeping on the couch until she can find new living arrangements for her and her son.

 

She still fails to acknowledge that what she did was wrong, fails to take responsibility.

 

Tried everything to convince me to keep her. It almost worked. I'm really in a bad spot. I hurt, but in a way, thoroughly expressing myself and making this stand felt a little like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. But it was replaced by a feeling of emptiness when I went to bed alone.

 

This next week or so is going to suck.

[PegNosePete]

She's sleeping on the couch until she can find new living arrangements for her and her son.

Did you give her a definite timescale for that? Like, you can stay for 1 month while you find somewhere else? Or did you allow her to keep it wide open, meaning she can put in zero effort and then in 3 months time say "well you did say I could stay until I found somewhere else, and I haven't found anywhere else yet"?

 

If you didn't give her a timescale then what motivation does she have to get off her butt and find somewhere else? She is presumably living rent-free at the moment so why would she put in any effort whatsoever to change the status quo?

 

She still fails to acknowledge that what she did was wrong, fails to take responsibility.

This is totally irrelevant. The relationship is over, and she is still moving out, whether she takes responsibility for her actions or not. There's really no reason for you to even have that conversation. Just tell her you're not interested in discussing why the relationship failed any more. It failed and she is moving out, that's all that matters. Black card.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I did not give a definitive timeframe, but it is understood that it be soon.

 

And for the record, not that it matters, I own my home, we had an arrangement where she paid utilities and I paid the mortgage. So she wasnt living entirely rent free.

[mikeylo]

You've got to give a definite time otherwise she will try to reel you in. You need to give her a specific date.

 

You've tried to make her see your pov which she doesn't want to acknowledge. It's time to walk away without looking back and no regrets. you will find a woman who respects you and your relationship.

[salparadise]

Pete is right - don't let her drag this out. Give her a short deadline and do not negotiate anything. I'd bet you anything that her thoughts are along the lines of, oh well, this will pass and I won't actually have to move.

 

"She still fails to acknowledge that what she did was wrong, fails to take responsibility."

 

Dude, she isn't acknowledging it because she feels entitled to have her cake and eat it too. She doesn't even subscribe to the concept of right and wrong... it's a matter of what she can get by with.

 

And even though she has been caught multiple times and asked to leave, she's still living there––so far she's still getting by with it, so no big deal.

 

You need to get her out and reclaim your dignity.

[JS84]

I recommend you actually come up with a definitive date that she has to move out by. And I'd get it in writing also if possible. My best friend made that mistake. Caught his girlfriend cheating on him, broke up with her, both agreed that she was to move out, and then 11 months later she finally does. All the while she's ****ing the guy she cheated on him with while still living in his apartment because he wouldn't put his foot down and throw her out. Since it was just his name on the lease, legally he only had to give 60 days notice before she had to go. But just like his relationship, he dragged things out far longer than he should have after it officially ended.

 

Hell you can give her 12 months to leave if you want, just come up with an actual date. Don't just leave it ambiguous and open-ended.

[PegNosePete]

I did not give a definitive timeframe, but it is understood that it be soon.

YOU understood that it meant soon.

What SHE understood may be very different.

 

And for the record, not that it matters, I own my home, we had an arrangement where she paid utilities and I paid the mortgage. So she wasnt living entirely rent free.

I very much doubt that she'd get a better arrangement than that in her next place. She is undoubtedly living a lot cheaper than she would be if she had to pay the utilities AND the rent. It is very much in her interests to delay looking for another place for as long as she possibly can.

 

If I were you I'd be asking her for daily reports on how the flat/house hunting is going. Make sure she is actually looking, not loafing. Even if she is looking, she may just decide not to take any of the places she looks at, and may even sabotage herself by making herself seem a bad tenant! People will do all sorts of things when they have sufficient motivation. Money is always a good motivator.

 

If after a week of daily househunting reports there is no success, tell her she has 1 month to find somewhere.

Edited June 3, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Fatezero1]

It didn't go well.

 

She's sleeping on the couch until she can find new living arrangements for her and her son.

 

She still fails to acknowledge that what she did was wrong, fails to take responsibility.

 

Tried everything to convince me to keep her. It almost worked. I'm really in a bad spot. I hurt, but in a way, thoroughly expressing myself and making this stand felt a little like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. But it was replaced by a feeling of emptiness when I went to bed alone.

 

This next week or so is going to suck.

 

 

 

 

It will hurt at first but you are better off. Would you rather be done with it, and heal up and find a women that loves you the way you love her? Or do you prefer a woman who tries to disappear into the night with other men, while they continue to compliment pictures of each others genitals?...On top of it, she sees no problem with this?....Be done with it, the sooner shes out, faster you can go back to sleeping at night stress free and find the person you meant to be with.

[Space Ritual]

She still fails to acknowledge that what she did was wrong, fails to take responsibility.

 

You can't argue with someone who has no conception of the consequences of their actions.

 

Of course she will try to sweet talk you and use the kid as leverage to allow them both to stay. Since you were not firm on when she had to leave be prepared for something to happen. You might want to carry around a VAR on you. It is not unheard of for someone who is in this position of being out on the street over some stuff like this to file false Domestic Violence Charges, and if there is anyone who would be in a prime position to have it happen to it would be you.

 

Stick to your guns and give her an exact date when she has to be gone and do not waiver.

 

Again go buy a VAR and keep it on you whenever you are in the house with her. If she didn't feel what she did was wrong she would not hesitate to get you in some sort of trouble to save her own butt.

[JoeSmith357-1]

You can't argue with someone who has no conception of the consequences of their actions.

 

Of course she will try to sweet talk you and use the kid as leverage to allow them both to stay. Since you were not firm on when she had to leave be prepared for something to happen. You might want to carry around a VAR on you. It is not unheard of for someone who is in this position of being out on the street over some stuff like this to file false Domestic Violence Charges, and if there is anyone who would be in a prime position to have it happen to it would be you.

 

Stick to your guns and give her an exact date when she has to be gone and do not waiver.

 

Again go buy a VAR and keep it on you whenever you are in the house with her. If she didn't feel what she did was wrong she would not hesitate to get you in some sort of trouble to save her own butt.

 

I'm not worried about that, and I live in a state where it's actually illegal to record someone without their knowledge. Seriously... (Florida). It's a 2 party consent state.

[aliveagain]

Joe, you've let her know that you value yourself a lot more then she did. You let her know that you don't share your woman with pigs that want pictures of her private parts and she now knows that you don't date women that send other men those type of pictures. The best thing to help you through this is the 180. Please google the "180" and make it your new mantra. The 180 will help you detach from her so you make decisions that are best for you. The only way through the pain is to go through it. She had choices and she made the choice best suited to someone who is selfish and has little to no respect for her partner. She is a fool for pushing your boundaries but then that is what selfish people do. Let's see how fast the other guy steps up now that she is available. My guess is he can't afford her upkeep and will run to the hills until she finds a new boyfriend. Better you found out now rather then later, good work.

[Fatezero1]

Joe, you've let her know that you value yourself a lot more then she did. You let her know that you don't share your woman with pigs that want pictures of her private parts and she now knows that you don't date women that send other men those type of pictures. The best thing to help you through this is the 180. Please google the "180" and make it your new mantra. The 180 will help you detach from her so you make decisions that are best for you. The only way through the pain is to go through it. She had choices and she made the choice best suited to someone who is selfish and has little to no respect for her partner. She is a fool for pushing your boundaries but then that is what selfish people do. Let's see how fast the other guy steps up now that she is available. My guess is he can't afford her upkeep and will run to the hills until she finds a new boyfriend. Better you found out now rather then later, good work.

 

what is this 180 rule? I am looking it up in google and don't see anything specific.

[carhill]

what is this 180 rule? I am looking it up in google and don't see anything specific.

Sample thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/196947-what-rules-doing-180-a

[JoeSmith357-1]

She left last night, staying at a (female) friend's house. Her kid is thoroughly confused as to what's going on. I dont think she has told him yet. All their stuff is still at my house.

[VeveCakes]

She left last night, staying at a (female) friend's house. Her kid is thoroughly confused as to what's going on. I dont think she has told him yet. All their stuff is still at my house.

 

This is a really good step. Does she have a key? I would change the locks if so. She can make arrangements to pick up her things.

 

Stay strong.

[PegNosePete]

This is a really good step. Does she have a key? I would change the locks if so. She can make arrangements to pick up her things.

Yep, I second this advice. You've really lucked out that she has moved out so soon, but you need to take measures to ensure your "luck" continues.

 

If she has a key ask her to return it ASAP, and then change the locks anyway in case she has made a copy. Even if she doesn't use it you never know if her next boyfriend will find it and what he'll do with it, etc. You might call it paranoid, but I call it better safe than sorry. It's well worth a few bucks for your sanity and security. Your motto here should be "hope for the best, plan for the worst".

 

Box her stuff up so it can be collected quickly and cleanly without her spending a long time in your property. It's best that she just pulls up, loads the boxes and goes. Also it's best for your sanity if her stuff is boxed up rather than scattered all over your home, reminding you of her all the time.

Edited June 8, 2016 by PegNosePete

[salparadise]

She left last night, staying at a (female) friend's house. Her kid is thoroughly confused as to what's going on. I dont think she has told him yet. All their stuff is still at my house.

 

Yes, you're lucky that she vacated quickly. I agree with the advice to box her stuff up and notify her to pick it up. Give her a specific amount of time, after which... no longer your problem.

 

It's a shame about the kid, but that simply isn't your issue and not something you should allow yourself to think about. Hopefully she will land on her feet.

 

Now, as you equilibrate you'll want to work on how you think/act in relationships with women. You need to control certain aspects and enforce healthy boundaries. That was one of the biggies in this situation - there were no boundaries. Boundaries, to women like her, have the same effect as garlic to a vampire.

[insert_name]

It sounds like she hasn't even argued or pleaded or made concessions or whatever. If so that shows what she thought of you, you were nothing more than a roof over her head and now she accepts that the jig is up without argument and she is moving on to her next host.

 

You had a lucky escape here.