Ex abuser found me on FB

[ladydesigner]

This is my first time posting on this forum. I was in a mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 3 years before I met my current H. I had to go to a women's shelter to get away from him as he always had stalked me. I basically disappeared and started my life over again somewhere else, somewhere new. Then I got M'd and my last name changed I thought he would never find me until a couple of days ago I got the shock of my life, he had friend requested me after 21 years The first reaction I had was to run inside my house and hide, then the anxiety and then crying.

 

I have deleted, blocked, and reported him to FB, but he still knows my new last name and could find my current address if he wanted to.

 

What other precautions should I take? This man threatened to kill me if he ever found me. I had a restraining order against him! Why contact me on FB?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm so sorry this has happened. The first thing I would do is file a police report. The restraining order should prohibit him from contacting you so surely he is in violation of that. If it has expired, get a new one.

 

Speak to a lawyer and see what your options are.

 

Do not let this POS come back in your life and attempt to intimidate you. He has no right.

 

You have been through so much yet you came out the other side and have a new life now. Don't get pulled back into the darkness.

 

Be strong and take of yourself.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Does your new husband have a gun?

[TaraMaiden2]

Please don't take this, in any manner or means, as defending him, his actions or the person he obviously was.

 

But: Is it within the realms of possibility that he is trying to contact you to apologise and admit his guilt?

 

I am not for one nanosecond suggesting you reconsider, or have second thoughts, AT. ALL.

 

But I'm merely suggesting that there might be a glimmer of a possibility that he has had some serious consequences to his actions, and (as someone I was acquainted with) he has had a complete 180 and is attempting to communicate unconditional remorse.

 

It is to be hoped that is the case.

 

The person I knew has since died. I was not the target of his abuse, but while he lived, he underwent a transformation, and became a new human being. While he maintains he didn't 'find God', he discovered an avenue of spirituality which changed his mind-set around completely, to the extent that he became a mentor and qualified counsellor for both the abused and their abusers.

 

I offer the above as a crumb of comfort, and mean no offence.

As I stated - and I re-state, emphatically - I would never suggest you actually consider reconnecting, at all, in any way shape or form.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Does your new husband have a gun?

 

Oh good grief! You're kidding??

You are suggesting you shoot this man if the occasion arises?

Talk about precipitating the situation!

 

Do we even know that gun ownership is lawful where ladydesigner lives - ?

[Alamo657]

A facebook friend request is not sufficient to file for anything.

 

What you should do however is to disallow friend requests, put him on block, and put that event behind you.

 

As others have said, you don't know what he is about these days, he could be the same, or could have turned into a good person. You don't know.

[Emilia]

Is it possible to remove your names (yours and your husbands) from public registers?

[Emilia]

Oh good grief! You're kidding??

You are suggesting you shoot this man if the occasion arises?

If someone threatened me to kill me then I would, yes. Especially in a country like the US where people carry arms.

[TaraMaiden2]

I don't think it is, but it IS possible to make them private and non-legible to non-government searches.... My H and I, on our Council register, are 'invisible' to others....

[Poppyolive]

I'm sorry this is happening. If the request is still showing you can block him. Chances are though, he could of searched your friends too. For pictures, contacts etc. I don't mean to alarm you, I guess I'm just worried for you. Check your Facebook privacy settings. Make sure nothing is public. Also. Change your name on Facebook. Eg. your name is Margaret bell or something change it to maggieb. Or whatever. Chances are if you block him, there's nothing stopping him from setting up other Facebook accounts...so changing your name and show absolutely zero details.

Perhaps even delete your account and open a new one. I know it will be a pain, save your pictures, take note of your friends list and start afresh. Perhaps alert people close to you.

So you think he now knows your married name, where you live? Did your Facebook have your email & phone? We're your photos and status updates public? Is your husband on there too? These are all things to think about.

 

I'm sorry.

[jen1447]

Is it possible to remove your names (yours and your husbands) from public registers?

 

Depends on where you live, but there's always someone somewhere who knows or can find out.

 

A facebook friend request is not sufficient to file for anything.

 

What you should do however is to disallow friend requests, put him on block, and put that event behind you.

 

I agree with this - without any further actions it should be taken for what it is, which at its worst is probably just an attempt to get back under your skin and probably isn't particularly actionable in terms of stalking or harassment crimes.

[Cherryz]

Thats really really bad.

Im sorry you have such situation going on.

 

Why is this sick figure still walking around freely?

 

If you had to do sooooooooooo many things to get awaya and to have a normal life

it means this person is really sick and the situation was more then alarming.

 

 

I dont say you have to live like hiding, but if you had such situation why would you

even be on social media showing your pics or having a open profile? Since you can make your FB as private as you want also your display picture.

Because you done no surgery so he will be able to recognize you.

Also being friends with people or certain people make it easy for him to scroll true their friends and look around.

Being and putting stuff of yourself on the internet you make it easy for anyone to find you. He can also search your picture and find all the other accounts where you have same picture. And once you put your stuff on the internet it will always be there somehow.

So best is not to be found on the internet. And at the end its not something that you have to do. Or a need.

 

I would go to the police and report this and ask them tips. And also talk to your lawyer about the possibility's. And know what ever they say, this sick figure can still try to get to your home.

I think best could be to move away. Or/ and put some security cameras around your house and be alert when you go out.

And i would carry at-least a knife. Or some spray in your purse.

 

Or move to other country.

Either-way STOP the posting stuff on the internet!

Unfortunately your situation dont give you space to do this.

And people can get a lot of information true your pictures like where you at, where you live.

And stop telling your stuff to certain people/old "friends". Make sure your family knows.

[Cherryz]

And let your real friends know that he contacted you.

And that they need to not tell him anything.

And ofcorse block him and get off face book. Being on the internet makes it easy for everyone to spy on you and find you.

[amaysngrace]

If someone threatened me to kill me then I would, yes. Especially in a country like the US where people carry arms.

 

Exactly right. Fight fire with fire and death threats can get hot.

Especially with his history of a violent past.

[jen1447]

Exactly right. Fight fire with fire and death threats can get hot.

Especially with his history of a violent past.

 

Sure - taking appropriate steps to defend yourself and your family in the face of legitimate threats is never wrong or inappropriate.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks for the replies I did all the appropriate blocking. I never thought he would find my new last name and my friends on FB were't friends with him so it came as a surprise.

 

I have told one co-worker, my friends and my parents. All were aware about my past except for the co-worker.

 

So far so good I haven't received any other form of contact through social media. I made sure all my settings were lock tight.

 

Everyday I have been thinking about it and watching my surroundings. Probably hypervigillance.

[whichwayisup]

This is my first time posting on this forum. I was in a mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 3 years before I met my current H. I had to go to a women's shelter to get away from him as he always had stalked me. I basically disappeared and started my life over again somewhere else, somewhere new. Then I got M'd and my last name changed I thought he would never find me until a couple of days ago I got the shock of my life, he had friend requested me after 21 years The first reaction I had was to run inside my house and hide, then the anxiety and then crying.

 

I have deleted, blocked, and reported him to FB, but he still knows my new last name and could find my current address if he wanted to.

 

What other precautions should I take? This man threatened to kill me if he ever found me. I had a restraining order against him! Why contact me on FB?

 

Aww LD, this is awful! Go to your local police station and report this. Make sure the RO is still active.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the replies I did all the appropriate blocking. I never thought he would find my new last name and my friends on FB were't friends with him so it came as a surprise.

 

I have told one co-worker, my friends and my parents. All were aware about my past except for the co-worker.

 

So far so good I haven't received any other form of contact through social media. I made sure all my settings were lock tight.

 

Everyday I have been thinking about it and watching my surroundings. Probably hypervigillance.

 

Yup, hide your friends list so only you can see it and make sure you don't use a picture of you as your profile. Also change setting so only friends of friends can friend request you.

 

You have a lot of love and support around you and those who will protect you so rely on that when you start to panic and feel stressed about it.

[Jersey born raised]

Do not own or pick up a gun unless you are ready to use it to kill. If you are not ready to kill, he will take it from you, kill you and claim seif-defense.

 

Why have you not told your husband?

[Jersey born raised]

I went back and read some of your past threads and see you live in CA. Do not get a gun. I doubt you have the ability to pull the trigger, and the gun laws in CA and laws on their usage are very complicated.

 

What you should do is do a quick background check on him. Their are dozens of sites on the internet that are inexpensive and while not complete are useful. I've used them three times in the distance past. All three times the information I received saved me a lot of grief.

 

Why dig? If he did it to you, he did it to others. There may be a criminal record. You need to know where he lives. If he is out of your area, the threat is still real it is not the same if he lived two miles away.

 

Finally, is part of the reason you are still married is because you feel it offers protection?

[DesertHeat]

I'm too "in hiding", so I understand how you feel.

 

I would recommend that you google yourself to see if you can be found by googling your name. Check out the white page-type sites and background check type sites to see if you are associated with your address and/or husband. Not sure what you can do if your info is public, but you can at least know how "exposed" you are.

 

I also recommend googling him and/or check out social media pages and see where he is. A background check is good also.

[ladydesigner]

Do not own or pick up a gun unless you are ready to use it to kill. If you are not ready to kill, he will take it from you, kill you and claim seif-defense.

 

Why have you not told your husband?

 

Sorry husband knows too. He was the first I told.

[Toro3000]

This is my first time posting on this forum. I was in a mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 3 years before I met my current H. I had to go to a women's shelter to get away from him as he always had stalked me. I basically disappeared and started my life over again somewhere else, somewhere new. Then I got M'd and my last name changed I thought he would never find me until a couple of days ago I got the shock of my life, he had friend requested me after 21 years The first reaction I had was to run inside my house and hide, then the anxiety and then crying.

 

I have deleted, blocked, and reported him to FB, but he still knows my new last name and could find my current address if he wanted to.

 

What other precautions should I take? This man threatened to kill me if he ever found me. I had a restraining order against him! Why contact me on FB?

 

I'm partail to the Smith and Wesson MP shield in 9mm for CCW carry. Stay away from the Sig P238 it's over priced and mine stove pipes more than $600 gun should. Your gun store or even sporting store like Cabelas should be able to hook you up with lessons.

 

 

 

No snark. Godspeed.