Trials of faith

[todreaminblue]

I'm going through trials of faith and being hit pretty hard and I dont know how ill get through it...the one place i felt safe was my room.....it has been compromised and i feel nothing but shame and guilt..i feel violated again and im so tired of being violated...i dont feel worthy to have faith...even though my mum told me not to feel this way that i am christian through and through i come from a long line of faithful selfless christians...... who fought for their faith....im so tired of having to fight...and i know they must be looking on thinking what a mess....

 

....i found the church i love ...i fell in love with my church...its not just a church though its a lifestyle the people in it live a selfless scarificing lifestyle full of charity and kindness...brave people..andi dont know if i should even go anymore.......i feel ...like a dead set failure as a christian as a mum.....

 

 

..if god thinks i am brave and can take this .....i think he picked the wrong person...he shouldnt have faith in me like he does........and that's wrong for me to think like that i know..but i cant help the way i think....how i feel...is low

 

 

i looked up convents in my area last week....thinking when I finish raising m y girls and they have left i might join one...but it seems you have to be catholic and probably nto an ex hooker so no convent for me.....so i just want to live in the mountains and be a monk.....with a llama to talk too...then i wouldnt have to worry about being violated or family taking drugs or sickness from drugs or the lost and lonely people in the world who are struggling lashing out at others with violence and despair....i coudl pray for them because i know how they feel.............really i was always one of those lost and lonely people struggling right along beside them and in a way i still am lost........i just dont do the drugs or the drink....

 

im not really asking for advice im just wanting to write this out.........what i really want to do is just scream and keep screaming .enough..but nah...i sit here in tears writing on a lap top instead and hope tomorrow holds a patch fo blue sky for me ...in gods hands as always..........deb

[TheFinalWord]

Dear todreaminblue,

 

I will pray for you.

 

In terms of you as a failure, I couldn't disagree more.

 

You are one of the nicest, most reasonable, people I have had the pleasure of interacting with on this site. You always stick up for the underdog and always consider everyone's side of the story.

 

I will pray for you during your trails. God Bless.

[todreaminblue]

thank you final word...i appreciate your prayers and kind thoughts.....deb

[TaraMaiden2]

It seriously pains my heart to know you are so sad.

 

This is unheard of, outrageous and disheartening.

Of all the people on the forum, you are one of the most deserving of love and affection, and the least deserving of pain and anguish.

 

Oh deb, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry...

 

Hugging you and holding you is all I can do, even if it is virtual.

 

You cannot say such things about yourself, and God's choice of you as one of his fold.

Christ loved a prostitute, her name was Mary.

God so loved the world he sent his son.

You think that makes you exempt?

 

Jesus had no discrimination, and mixed with tax collectors, lepers and the poor, destitute and crippled.

 

There are many who are poor, destitute and crippled in mind who do not know God as you do.

 

God doesn't make mistake when he loves certain people, because he knows your soul, and dearest deb, your soul shines hard, fast and brighter than that of many who might call themselves Christians.

 

PM me if you want.

I cannot ever be even a substitute for the lama you mention. Not by a long chalk.

But you can say whatever you wish to me, I will never shun you or turn you away.

If I will not do this, you think God would?

 

(((((Love))))) to you, much metta and karuna.

[todreaminblue]

thanks tARa i can actually feel your compassion like waves you know..you touch the heart of me....you have such a kind soul...and a clever and inspired mind i respect you muchly......

 

...i feel a bit raw at the moment...like.... my skin has been sandpapered off...found out yesterday the girls grandfather has colon cancer so thats now three people i love and who my girls love who are terminal...my aunt and uncle ....they had to put their son who is mentally disabled into a home...because her breast cancer came back and has run riot through her body she is at peace though in her heart with whatever happens...she gave up the fight.she isnt doing radium or chemo anymore......but i havent not for her...i pray... and my uncle has a heart condition that is getting worse as well.so they made a plan for my cousin to live in a special home with others like him..my uncle used to send me these comic emails...funny animal stuff...he cant get on the computer anymore...:0(....at least i got mum and him back together....and talking......before.....they wouldnt be able to talk again...not on earth ....

 

and today was just hell...

 

.ill find my blue sky...heres a little patch of blue...my impaired son got a job at a nursery today through his job agency he came out especially to tell my son that he is picking him up to meet his new boss...so thats blue tara....my son has waited a long time for someone to employ him...as he is disabled so it takes a little extra effort on a bosses behalf to employ him....

 

 

i am just tired....raw.....i should be grateful ...but today was too much....hugs back tara..thankyou your words made me cry more...:0)..smilin now because its sort of ironic..sweetness causes tears as much as something horrible does..theres that balance thing.....i think it was you saying you if you could be my llama..made me smile......lets go to tibet tara....ill drive....how far is tibet from oz.....xoxoxoxo.deb

[Buddhist]

I'm not Christian and I won't give you advice either. I'm just going to share that I've also had several crisis of faith in my life. Feeling unworthy, a fraud, can't continue on with life itself, ill equipped etc.

 

It's a very difficult and confusing time. Sometimes we feel that life/God asks more of us than we can really give. If I knew the answer to these moments I guess I would stop having them. The world is enormous, it's problems are infinite, everywhere we turn we are confronted with things which offend our sense of rightness.

 

I only thing I know in life, is the enormity of what I don't know.

[todreaminblue]

hey buddhist, thank you for your compassion...i know what you say is true i just feel done today...tired and...im really low.....ill come back from this.....i have support and love from family and friends who care...i should be grateful....god has given me people who are there for me.who believe in me even when i dont believe in me.......and that is more than many people have...

 

i am just tired....of being me...and thats me being selfish...i dont feelgoodtoday at all...i feel a bit like a fungus..not so human...deb

[MomLeslieM]

You are definitely not a failure -- you know, the church is full of sinners and no sin is worse than any other. No matter what Jesus died for YOU and He does love you. Keep on going to that church you found that you love -- share your burdens and you will see those same people surround you with love and compassion and you will be filled up.

 

I too will say a prayer for you.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry you're down Deb. I only know that sometimes God puts us on our backs so that we are forced to look up.

 

I pray He sends you comfort in your heart. xo

[OpenBook]

Hang in there girl!! Just hand it all over to God (He wants you to)... and then just - stand, and wait for everything to straighten out. It always does. His grace is more than sufficient, and His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Just let Him take the wheel. Big hugs to you.

[angel.eyes]

I'm so sorry that you're having such a difficult time right now. ((((HUGS))))

 

Please don't feel like a fungus or as if you aren't worthy. God loves you and values you just as much as anyone else on this earth. We are all sinners. None of us is better than another in God's eyes.

 

As for your assertion that prostitutes aren't welcome, nothing could be further from the truth in God's kingdom. Prostitutes feature prominently in key places in both the Old and New Testaments, each time conveying an important message or lesson to God's people.

 

Mary Magdalene was one of the people closest to Jesus while He was on earth. She is discussed in the gospels more frequently than some of the disciples. Recall that not only had He cast demons from her, but she is widely believed to have been a prostitute prior to her association with Jesus. Who was among the first to see His empty tomb? Mary! To whom did Jesus first reveal himself following His resurrection? Mary. Who did He entrust with informing His disciples and everyone else that He had indeed arisen and fulfilled His promise? Mary! He welcomed Mary into His inner circle and he valued her as a person. Never doubt that you too are welcome, wanted, and valued in His Kingdom.

 

I hope this rough patch passes quickly. I'm sorry that you feel violated and as if too much is being expected of you right now. God is there to lean on. Depend on His grace to get you through this hour and this day. He's there for you! He'll be there today, tomorrow, and the day after as you work through your current struggle.

 

((((HUGS))))

[todreaminblue]

hello ....thank you for the support that everyone has given me......i feel a bit better today...my mentally impaired son got a job at a nursery......gods little patch of blue sky for me and for him.......im sorry im a sad sack and was such a sad sack yesterday......i have many things to be grateful for...my trials will go on...but whatever comes at me or who comes at me will come regardless of how i feel....i just have to regroup and put up my battlefront ..and just be ready next time...thank you i appreciate the support i this thread and th etime everyoen took out fo their day to try to make em feel better...you all did.....hugs...deb

[BetheButterfly]

I'm going through trials of faith and being hit pretty hard and I dont know how ill get through it...

 

I am so sorry.

 

I wish I could give you a big hug!!!! (Why isn't there a hug smiley?)

 

the one place i felt safe was my room.....it has been compromised and i feel nothing but shame and guilt..i feel violated again and im so tired of being violated...

I would like to ask what happened but I don't want you to feel pressured to share if you don't want to. I am sorry that you don't feel safe anymore.

 

When I feel guilt and shame, I ask God for forgiveness for my sins and then place the guilt and shame at the feet of Jesus. And then, I leave it there. If it tries to come back, I give it back, and i start singing a praise song to my Lord Jesus. That drives the guilt and shame away, since I'm no longer thinking about them.

 

i dont feel worthy to have faith...

Nobody is worthy Deb. I'm not worthy either. That's why faith is a gift; we can't earn God's amazing grace, love, forgiveness and mercy. He gives it and we can just accept it, if we want to.

 

even though my mum told me not to feel this way that i am christian through and through i come from a long line of faithful selfless christians...... who fought for their faith....im so tired of having to fight...

That's part of the Christian journey: to fight. Not to fight people no. To fight in a spiritual battle, as Paul says: (I boldened some.)

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take yourstand against the devil’s schemes.

 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

 

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist,

 

with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted

 

with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

 

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

 

Take the helmet of salvation and

 

the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

 

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. - Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)

 

 

You are going through spiritual warfare. It's tough, but God loves you so much and He's not disappointed in you. He knows it's hard, and He's there to pull you out of the waters of doubt like He pulled Peter out.

 

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

 

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” - Matthew 14:29-31 (NIV)

 

 

Peter got to see Jesus and walk with him. We don't get to see Jesus yet, which requires much more faith. God understands this.

 

and i know they must be looking on thinking what a mess....

That's why it's important to keep our eyes on Jesus, not on what other people think of us.

 

 

....i found the church i love ...i fell in love with my church...its not just a church though its a lifestyle the people in it live a selfless scarificing lifestyle full of charity and kindness...brave people..

That's awesome!!! I'm so happy for you!!! I attend a church like that too,and am so thankful to God for them and my amazing mentors there!!!

 

andi dont know if i should even go anymore.......i feel ...like a dead set failure as a christian as a mum.....

Please don't beat yourself up anymore. God knows we are children in the faith. When children learn to walk,they fall down. God is our Father in Heaven. He understands we fall. He made us, after all. His hand is ready for us to take and with His strength, to get back up.

 

You can do it! You can leave your negative thoughts at the feet of Jesus and take of His Joy and Peace. He wants you to do that, because GOD LOVES YOU SO MUCH!!! :love:

 

..if god thinks i am brave and can take this .....i think he picked the wrong person...he shouldnt have faith in me like he does........and that's wrong for me to think like that i know..but i cant help the way i think....how i feel...is low

I understand, and that's ok. It's ok to cry Deb. It's ok to feel. It's OK to pour out all your pain to God, because He can handle it. Remember, He's our Father and we are His daughters. He knows we hurt sometimes and feel inadequate sometimes. It's ok to feel that way sometimes. Even Jesus Christ felt heavy emotional pain. He cried out to the Father, even asking for this cup to be taken from him, but He submitted to the Father's will, and because of this, fulfilled Isaiah 53 and Psalm 22!

 

i looked up convents in my area last week....thinking when I finish raising m y girls and they have left i might join one...but it seems you have to be catholic and probably nto an ex hooker so no convent for me.....so i just want to live in the mountains and be a monk.....with a llama to talk too...then i wouldnt have to worry about being violated or family taking drugs or sickness from drugs or the lost and lonely people in the world who are struggling lashing out at others with violence and despair....i coudl pray for them because i know how they feel.............really i was always one of those lost and lonely people struggling right along beside them and in a way i still am lost........i just dont do the drugs or the drink....

You know, I think there are many ladies who feel that way, and I think it would be good to start a place where people who are hurting get away from society and pray. Maybe that's what God wants you to do? I don't know. However, you are in my prayers.

im not really asking for advice im just wanting to write this out.........

Oh, I'm sorry. I hope it's ok with you that I shared what I did.

what i really want to do is just scream and keep screaming .enough..but nah...i sit here in tears writing on a lap top instead and hope tomorrow holds a patch fo blue sky for me ...in gods hands as always..........deb

Understand. I love you Deb. I wish I could give you a big hug and pray with you!!! As it is, you are in my prayers.

[todreaminblue]

i loved your scripture references bethebutterfly...they are beautiful and powerful scriptures......inspired.....i was feeling the same thing about armor and regrouping myself..putting up my battlefront preparing my war room...i havent gone through what i have to fail now......i know god wants whats best for me...i am just tired....i am doing what i do now...preparing my war room....ill go down fighting or as per usual god will show me the right thing to do and ill come through....

 

 

i just hope that whatever happens my church and my choir my slices of blue skies and happiness dont ...go away...but if they do... ill fight for them to stay.i i havent sinned.....its my safeplaces i fear losing the most.my son is an ice addict and he got me raided by th edrug squad because i cut off his supply and his money source..now i have to go to court...because they got old prescription meds belonging to two different people out of my room.....one was a stop smoking aid from when i gave my room up for my daughter in law and kids to sleep in she left her meds here......and the other was an ex boyfriend his heart medication for angina....so ...my son hates me he took my grandkids away...it wasnt enough because i havent begged him to let mesee them and have remained in silent protest...he knew this raid on my home would get to me.and i have told him time and again i dont want to get in any sort of trouble because i have to be like a light to others..an example..i work with kids at church......im not perfect you know what i used to be...my parting words from my son...is that i am a useless fat blue whale...and he thinks i am not hsi mother...i adopted him apparently....and yep i miss him....i wish he would stop.......and be my son again....he has a good heart when he isnt injecting demons.....and he is my nemesis...he wants me dead...on drugs that is....deb

[BetheButterfly]

i loved your scripture references bethebutterfly...they are beautiful and powerful scriptures......inspired....

 

That's what I feel about the those Scriptures too, that they are beautiful, powerful, and inspired! They help me a lot.

 

 

.i was feeling the same thing about armor and regrouping myself..putting up my battlefront preparing my war room..

 

Yep, it's a spiritual battle, not against people, but against spiritual forces

 

.i havent gone through what i have to fail now

 

Amen!!!

 

......i know god wants whats best for me...i am just tired....i am doing what i do now...preparing my war room....ill go down fighting or as per usual god will show me the right thing to do and ill come through....

 

Yeah, God allows us to go through trials and tribulations to make us stronger in character.

i just hope that whatever happens my church and my choir my slices of blue skies and happiness dont ...go away...but if they do... ill fight for them to stay.

 

I don't know why they would go away. Siblings in Christ are not supposed to go away when their sister is going through a trial or tribulation.

i havent sinned.....its my safeplaces i fear losing the most.my son is an ice addict and he got me raided by th edrug squad because i cut off his supply and his money source..now i have to go to court...because they got old prescription meds belonging to two different people out of my room.....one was a stop smoking aid from when i gave my room up for my daughter in law and kids to sleep in she left her meds here......and the other was an ex boyfriend his heart medication for angina....

 

Yeah, it's not your fault at all what other people left in your house. I am sorry about your son. I will be praying for him, that God rescues him from his slavery to ice.

so ...my son hates me he took my grandkids away...it wasnt enough because i havent begged him to let mesee them and have remained in silent protest...he knew this raid on my home would get to me.and i have told him time and again i dont want to get in any sort of trouble because i have to be like a light to others..an example..i work with kids at church......im not perfect you know what i used to be...my parting words from my son...is that i am a useless fat blue whale...and he thinks i am not hsi mother...i adopted him apparently....and yep i miss him....i wish he would stop.......and be my son again....he has a good heart when he isnt injecting demons.....and he is my nemesis...he wants me dead...on drugs that is....deb

 

It is so sad how drugs can change a person. I pray God works in your son's heart and rescues him from ice!

 

God bless you Deb, and may He give you His peace and joy and hold you, even in the midst of the storm.