Long term relationship. Is his past cheating or my jealousy the problem?

[TulipOHare]

Longtime reader, first-time poster. Long post, and I thank you in advance for reading.

 

I have been dating "Chris" for about 2 1/2 years. We met while I was in college (he is my age, but went to work instead of college), which meant that we spent summers apart. Things were great from the very beginning.

 

Summer '03, the first summer we spent apart, he cheated on me. He met and slept with his ex-girlfriend twice, and went on a date and slept with a stranger once. I did not find out about this for a long time, we'll get back to it later.

 

Spring '04, he made friends with a girl, but he didn't tell me about her until a week after they had met. I nagged him as to why he hadn't told me and he said he didn't know, then said it was because they made out the night they met. He said that the next day she told him firmly that she'd made a mistake and they were just friends, and that he'd abided by that, but it all made me so angry that I forbade him to see or speak to her again and he agreed. It never sat well with me though, and I always wondered if he actually had broken it off all the way.

 

Summer '04 (again apart), I was surfing a public message board that we're both members of and reading a thread where people were discussing sexual experience. Chris wrote in his post that he had slept with three women. But he had always told me two... I called him and confronted him and he confessed immediately to the date (the "third" woman). The next day he told me about cheating on me with his ex. This was all very bad timing as I was about to go on a 3-month internship in a foreign country. He immediately took leave from work and flew to my home to be with me before I left. He swore up and down that he hadn't spoken to the women he'd slept with since that summer, and that he broke it off with the other friend he met when I told him to. When I asked why he'd cheated, he said he didn't know and that it wasn't because he was unhappy or because of anything I did, that it was just stupid mistakes. He never begged me or fought back when I was mad, just said he was sorry, that he'd never meant to hurt me, that it was the dumbest thing he'd ever done, and that if I'd have him back he'd never do it again.

 

I was horribly torn because of how amazing a boyfriend he had been in every other way and because I NEVER would have guessed he'd cheated on me. But I thought "once a cheater always a cheater" and felt so angry and betrayed. Eventually I had to go and Chris promised me that he'd be faithful and wait for me while I was away at my job, and that he'd live with any decision I made. We stayed in contact and he was patient and caring every time I called just to scream at him or called sobbing like crazy. During this time I had a lot of nightmares about the cheating. In the end I decided the relationship might be worth saving and came back to him.

 

Well, now it's summer '05... and I'm still not over it. I was never the jealous type before at all, but now the slightest reminder of any of the three co-cheaters sends me into a rage. If I catch him visually "checking out" someone as men normally do, I immediately feel inadequate and depressed. For a long time I "stalked" all three women through the internet and I know where all of them live and what they're doing; I haven't found any evidence that they've talked to or seen Chris since the summer of cheating, but I still fantasize about what I'd do to them if I ever met them. It haunts me that two of them are more physically attractive than me and that one is very smart and incredibly accomplished. I still have nightmares sometimes. He doesn't have any female friends now (other than those who were my friends first), but if he ever made any I'd probably go insane with jealousy and fear. I still have an angry screaming fit or a depressed crying fit from time to time, and normally he's patient with me and lets me get it out. But lately he's been getting upset, saying he feels like he'll always be punished for the past no matter what he does now.

 

I feel like if I don't keep my guard up, someone prettier (or otherwise better) than me will steal him away. Or that if I fully trust him again, he'll consider himself in the clear and cheat on me again. I also feel like a sucker because I took him back so quickly. Am I right to be jealous and scared? He DID cheat on me with three people! Or is it really time to move on? I don't even know how to move on. I'm thinking hard about it now because he's saying he wants to marry me... I love him so much, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life crying and being scared and having nightmares. Thanks for reading and please help.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Set up an appointment with a counselor to discuss your issues. Maybe Chris can come along with you as part of a couple's session. There are changes that both of you need to be able to make in order for your relationship to move forward, and an objective third party might be able to help you say the things you need to be saying to each other in order to initiate those changes.

[Cecelius]

Given your age, that marriage doesn't seem to be on the horizon you may want to focus on this: there are men out there who won't do this to you.

 

In my experience, people who cheat habitually seem to stop only when they really lose something they valued because of it. In effect, the fact that you've remained with him means that he got away with it -- he doesn't have to face whether he's a bad person because you've basically reassured him that he is not.

 

Is life without him so horrible a prospect that it's worth encountering the humiliation of this everyday?

[elp111]

If I were you, I'd move on. He's already cheated on you in the past and I think you deserve better and will find better. Your trust has been broken and even if you can accept it and move on, it's always going to be there in the back of your mind. Even if he never does a single thing wrong again, you'll always wonder. Don't resign yourself to being miserable for the rest of your life with this guy. Find someone you can trust, who does and wouldn't cheat, who wants to be with you 100%, and you will treat you as I know you deserve to be treated.

 

good luck!

[TulipOHare]

Hmm. I feel like I lose no matter what I do. I drop him and I'm losing my best friend and someone I love very deeply. I keep him and I'm a worried wreck.

 

I thought maybe he was different and could change, because he admitted he was wrong and sorry, and been supportive while I've been angry and hurt. But maybe he's not different, eh?

 

Call me a coward but the counseling idea appeals to me... as scared as I am of him cheating, I'm also afraid to just get rid of such a big part of my life.

 

If anyone else wants to comment, feel free...

[Cecelius]

Personally, I feel that counselling in this context is a way for a part of your mind that doesn't want to let go to avoid letting go, but it feeds the part of your mind that somehow wants to make things better.

 

Since I feel, personally, that the only way you can trust a cheater is if they have truly lost the person they cheated on (your b/f's redemption in the future is likely with someone else, AFTER he realizes that he lost someone truly great), I'm not sure there's anything he can do to console you. Moreover, he himself has turned out to be lesser than he otherwise was-- you may decide that you deserve someone who is all they can be.