So it happened. GF with Bipolar cheated and left me.

[Protec]

yyyaaawwwwn

 

I'm out of this thread.

 

Sorry. I have very mixed feelings about her and i would love to work it trough somehow. But unfortunately it takes 2. No matter how much i love her, no matter how many roses i dump at her feet will not work.

 

Maybe i need to go NC. I don't know but i would love to talk with her. It just feels there is so much unfinished business. At least from my part.

 

I never have the time to talk with her. Last night her kids interrupted everything and then it started to come too late and she turned into angry bitch. No way i am going to talk with person like that.

[BlueIris]

Watching her dysfunction makes you feel better about yourself.

[Protec]

Watching her dysfunction makes you feel better about yourself.

 

No it does not. Why on earth would i enjoy watching sick person struggle?

Come on.

[Protec]

My ex GF, 32 yrs, has Bipolar diagnosed and is currenltly suffering some sort of mania / mixed state.

 

We broke up week ago. She left me via text message in the middle of the night. But she has said over a month ago i feel "just as a friend" and she has no emotions for me. It all started when she changed her medication and did not take full dose. and after that it has been a rollercoaster from hell.

 

She cheated on me about 2 weeks ago on her 1-woman vacation trip. She felt sorry for that but then few days later after that she dumped me, because she felt she has dug a hole too deep to recover etc. "you can find a better woman, i am just a mess...world is filled with women" etc.

 

Yes, i know there is women in the world. But, i love her very much, and even because all these troubles, i went at her place the other day and gave her roses.

 

She asked me "why you give me these...?". I said "You know why."

 

(I never said "because i love you". I think a man coming to visit you, bringing bunch of red roses is message strong enough. There is no need for words. We all know the meaning? Don't we?)

 

She loved those so much she actually tried to suck my lip off. She really passionately kissed me. She hasn't kissed me like that since few months ago. And she actually got goosebumps. She always loved kissing me. Ever since our first kiss.

 

And she kissed me herself, it was not forced kiss. I got close to her and she responded. It was her "i love you" kiss. Passionate but still gentle. You know what i am talking about. A kiss can tell you more than just words.

 

Then she treated me dinner and dessest and she was very happy and smiled a lot. We joked around etc and we spent some time at couch cuddling and kissing...it lead finally to sex.

 

But after sex she got kind of cold again...

 

 

Now what does this mean? She really enjoyed being near me, she smelled me (she always loved my natural scent, she said "it's like drug to me", also said things "it's so warm being next to you..." she held her head on my shoulder etc.

 

Do i have any chance of getting back with her?

 

You ask "why on earth you would like to get together with a woman who cheated on you?". Kinda ruined it already by having sex with her 2 times after cheating.

 

I already tried NC but it does not really work well with me :/ I am too weak to keep it going since i am not mad at her, i don't hate her etc. So it's hard for my brains for some reason to understand the No Contact. I get terrible anxiety attacks, i stress out if she is out clubbing hitting new men (I know, it's not my business anymore but....) etc. I have feelings for her.

 

And after the last visit i am even more confused. Yes, you warned me, i know. And i knew it myself too. But there has to be something.

 

No ex of mine has ever wanted to kiss me after breakup, or even touch me even if we've had a "friendly" breakup without fighting.

 

I think she is still having mania...her behaviour is very odd. Hot / Cold all the time. Even before the breakup and cheating she was all Hot / Cold several times a week.

 

I don't hate her, but it's not OK to cheat either. We have not gotten the chance yet actually to really sit and discuss. Last time i visited her, her kids took all the attention. And when we were on the couch...well. I felt it was not the right time to get all "emotionally heavy". I tried to avoid that, also because i noticed she started to get cold again, i realized there is no reasoning with her now.

 

But i have decided myself i would like to try again. That's why i am writing.

 

Does anyone have experiences with Bi-polar women etc?

[Blanco]

No it does not. Why on earth would i enjoy watching sick person struggle?

Come on.

 

She means that you subconsciously enjoy preoccupying yourself with your ex's dysfunction, because it excuses you from focusing on addressing your own issues. This breakup should mean finally getting to the core of why you permit yourself to get and stay involved in toxic relationships. And during your brief couple days of NC, it sounded like you were ready to do that.

 

But now, you've broken NC and returned to the warm, comforting situation of getting to focus on someone else's craziness.

 

I mean, look, man, we all know where this is heading. You haven't listened to anyone's advice to go NC and block this woman. You're using the excuse that you don't hate her (even though you probably should at this point), as if that's the only reason for going NC. Your track record shows that you don't really have the strength to resist the temptation of an ex when she makes advances on you, and THAT is why you shouldn't be talking to this woman.

 

Alas, I feel like any advice that doesn't align with what you want is bound to be read and quickly disregarded. Just know that I think people on this forum are pretty much at the end of their rope with dispensing any help to your problems.

[Blanco]

She cheated on you and you bought her roses.

 

Just let that sink in.

[ExpatInItaly]

You can most definitely "get back" with her, in the sense that she will continue to play with your feelings and use you when she wants. You're easy prey for her.

 

You already know it's not going to be a permanent relationship, and it will never be a healthy and functional one either. She will keep you around until she's totally bored with you, finds your replacement and kicks you out of her life for good. That day will come, sooner or later.

 

Also be aware that "getting back" with her will entail sharing her with other men. She's a player of the worst kind. If you think she's not seeing or sleeping with any other men right now, you are being incredibly foolish. All those sweet nothings she whispers to you are part of her playbook; you think it's significant but it's just a factor in her bigger game. She knows what you want to hear, so she says it to get what she wants: an ego boost, a little affection, money, whatever. Don't think for a moment she's not telling other men the same thing.

 

In summary, if the above is what you want, then go ahead and get her back.

[Blanco]

Also, you should probably go get tested. You know for a fact that you're not the only sexual partner she's had in recent weeks and she doesn't strike me as the type who would push too hard to make the guy use anything, whether it's you or the damn-near stranger she let inside of her.

[Protec]

Craaap!!! I was so close!!! I already deleted her number and blocked her from whatsapp.

 

I tried to call her, after the thursdays events i thought it would be nice to talk what the hell actually happened. No answer.

 

Then After a while "Well, didn't you say you want something more than just friends? I don't want anything more. I just want to be friends".

 

Then i said "What about thursday then? All that kissing, hugging etc." No comment to that. She avoided the whole subject. She just said something "i don't want surprise visits like that". Then i got little annoyed and "oh, you have new man in sight already huh ;)". As i was pissed. After evething she has done to me.

 

"Well I guess we can't even be friends! Just concentrate on your own life now." Yes. Good call. I really should.

 

Then i deleted everything.

 

Then after few minutes "Well. I guess it would be nice to see sometimes as we are used to seeing eachother etc. I just now need my own time, im at the movies now. I'm exhausted." So again wtf? Let's be friends. Oh no you said bad thing about me we can't be friends! Oh no wait, let's be friends!

 

I don't give a flying f*ck anymore.

 

Now i just feel bad i spent 10 euros for those darn roses. Well, i knew this would happen. I took the risk and got what i deserved: Nothing.

 

And i know she is banging other guys. When i found out she had tinder in her phone, asked about it "oh my friend just wanted to use it..." she was lying. Probably all this time she has talked with some other guys behind my back, finally cheated and now she is on a date with some LUCKY fellow.

 

Now this is the feeling i need to have! Hate. Now i can stay in NC. I can't break up peacefully. I need to hate the person. I don't really "hate" them. But right now i need that feeling to get rid of her.

Edited June 4, 2016 by Protec

[Blanco]

"Lucky fellow"

 

LOL, good God, dude

[Protec]

"Lucky fellow"

 

LOL, good God, dude

 

That was pure sarcasm. I really feel sorry for her new partner. Because i have a feelings she will not change anytime soon.

 

Cheated on me 2 weeks ago and dumped me under a week ago and now she is already hunting for new guys and wanting me to stay as a friend... Seriously LUCKY guy

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Sorry you are going through this Protec. Sometimes it takes a few attempts to let go. It must be especially hard when she keeps leading you on and giving you false hope.

 

If "hate" helps you stick with no contact then do it, focus on all the negative stuff. Like the fact she went on holiday to see some guy she probably met online and slept with him.

 

You are right to suspect she is also meeting other guys through Tinder. It sounds like she is keeping you around as a backup while she looks for her next victim.

 

She is a master at manipulating you so you need to be stronger.

[Protec]

Sorry you are going through this Protec. Sometimes it takes a few attempts to let go. It must be especially hard when she keeps leading you on and giving you false hope.

 

If "hate" helps you stick with no contact then do it, focus on all the negative stuff. Like the fact she went on holiday to see some guy she probably met online and slept with him.

 

You are right to suspect she is also meeting other guys through Tinder. It sounds like she is keeping you around as a backup while she looks for her next victim.

 

She is a master at manipulating you so you need to be stronger.

 

Yes. And not once she has even explained what this "friends" stuff means.

 

-Does it mean we can see each other, talk about daily stuff, do things like we have always done but without any "relationship stuff"?

 

-Does it mean only that we are "in concact" but don't talk about anything (not being friends, but friendly), and maybe sometimes switch words. Like "how you doing?"

 

I envy her though. she can really enjoy doing things alone. She often goes to movies alone, does partying alone, etc. But she cannot be alone. She told me when i met her "longest time without anyone in my life is a month".

 

I have no idea why but i have never been able to enjoy anything else but exercise alone.

 

It just feels so awkward sitting in a huge movie theater alone. I would love to share the feeling with someone, it doesn't have to be a GF, just a friend will do, but alone...i cannot do it.

 

Same thing about going to clubs. I have never enjoyed being at clubs alone, but like with my GF, i really enjoyed dancing with her, etc. I really had fun.

And she loved the way i danced. Weird.

 

But at gym i can enjoy being alone. I am there for myself. To push myself to limits. I don't need friends there. That is something i do for myself. Just me, doing stuff for me.

 

Maybe people just are different and enjoy different things doing alone.

 

And again i am at loss. I am so god damn stubborn letting go of her.

 

I still don't even know why she dumped me and i don't know why she wants to stay friends.

 

When she first dumped me during new years eve. She deleted every contact about me immeaditely. She removed me from whatsapp and blocked, also told me not to contact her anymore. I respected her wishes back then (i wasn't this emotionally attached to her at that point.)

 

And then she came running back. Now, she hasn't said anything about "don't contact me. Don't talk to me." etc. Nothing. She has not blocked me, she has not deleted me. She even sends me message first thing in the morning.

 

just now i received "oops. slept little late. Time to get up..."

Yes, she has been clubbing. Maybe i just need to remove her so she finds out what life is without me...no one to talk to. She has little friends like me.

 

I wish i had been stronger. I should have cut her off immeaditely when she said she cheated. Bang. Done. I would have been healing for 2 weeks now. but no. Her manipulation got me (i miss you...sorry..here take a selfie of me in my underwear) and now i am here beaten and bruised, emotionally.

 

I try my best...i really do. Good thing my mind is finally starting to balance out. The worst mood swings are almost behind. I still get anxiety attacks etc.

but i have been able to sort them out. Last night i felt anxiety attack coming, i went to sleep immeaditely just to see a dream about me and ex being in Japan (a trip we planned 2 months ago).

Edited June 5, 2016 by Protec

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to forget about her and concentrate on yourself, namely, why you don't love yourself enough to walk away from dysfunction and instability.

[Protec]

OK. It's done! I went at her place AGAIN. We talked, because all this "lets be friends" bothered me. so much i could not even sleep.

 

And she REALLY unloaded everything she had on me. Basically she blamed me for everything being wrong. Everything i bought up, she turned it against me. Her eyes were different from thursday. She was not herself.

 

-It was my fault the she used lots of alcohol

-My nature is ****ty

-I didn't clean the whole house (so all she wanted was a male maid???)

-I was a 3rd kid around (no i wasn't. I did not even live at her place. I helped as much as i could)

-I did not have enought experience with raising kids. WTF?!! That was quite a blow under the belt. It is HER job to raise the kids. Not mine.

 

-I did not ever made evening meal to her kids. Again wtf. It's her job. She is the mother. And i believe kids want evening meal from their mother rather than me.

 

-My old car was ugly

 

-I am boring. First time i hear that. She said if i had a porsche and a big house i would not be so boring. "well at least it would mean you do something exiting" HUGE WTF.

 

-I never paid restaurant bills.(I treated her meals sometimes, but as i was POOR and unemplyed i really did not have money to go to a 5 star restaurant.She knew it when she started dating.)

 

Aaand what else...

 

-It was my fault she started to gain weight

-It was my fault we never did any exercices together. Etc. gym, running etc.

OH! And my temper management. Yes, she got that right. I do get angry sometimes.

 

But basically, anything i said and tried to reason with her, she turned it against me.

 

I asked "what about thursday...you kissed me and everything right?" "well it was your fault you stuck your face in front of me. I can kiss ANYONE like that" WTF!!!

 

I asked about the dinner and she was happy and nice towards me. "Well i did it because of kids were there." "well, you were still nice to me even when kids started sleeping. You could have kicked me out of the house, but wanted me to stay" She did not say anything. I got her there. "Well...i just tried to be friendly since you came again unnoticed". I doesn't make sense.

 

When someone unwanted comes into your house, you yell them "GET THE F!!!! out of my house!" She has NEVER kicked me out.

 

I left, "you will never see me again, but you know where to find me"

 

And when i got home she sent me text:

 

"i am sorry i did not break up sooner. There is nothing wrong with you. It's me and my head is like this. I need to figure out what i want in life and who i am etc". JESUS.

 

NOTHING WRONG WITH ME? And just moments ago she was blaming me for EVERYTHING.

 

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F!?!?!?

 

I deleted her number and whatsapp. There is no way for me to contact her. unless i get drunk and search her number.

 

She said she wanted to stay friends because she had some feelings left for me.

But i cannot be just friends. I could have "played" along...but that would've been a torture. I can handle a lot, but being "just friends" with someone you love is just too much.

 

I could've been her friend...sure. But at what cost? Would she have fallen back for me? Would she suddenly have feelings again for me? Or would she try to find another guy?

 

I loved that woman with all my heart. I really, really loved her. I said to her many times "I am willing to try again. I think we deserve another chance".

 

This is the hardest, most bizarre breakup i ever had to encounter in my life.

 

I wanted to stay as her friend. I know we couldve had nice moments during summer, done stuff together...but i can't trust on that. She was single. She does out: Boom. Has a new guy.

 

And do bipolar persons miss people? And i do definitely believe she was more than just Bipolar. Her bipolar was diagnosed but i do think there was something more there than just that.

Edited June 5, 2016 by Protec

[Blanco]

I feel like you're posting the same story over and over.

[Protec]

I feel like you're posting the same story over and over.

 

Well. I hope it's over now and i don't have to post stuff like that anymore.

I deleted her number immeaditely i left her house because i was so pissed about what she said to me.

 

I know i will miss her. I am just so sad. No ex has never said such things to me...she was again completely different person what she was on thursday.

 

I pray for her. I really do. She is one of the most amazing persons i have ever met in my life. Unfortunately she is very sick.

 

I think i did the right choice. I still feel bad. She is very lonely...she needs someone to support her. She wanted to be my friend...but i just cannot take the risk. I cannot wait someone. I have already wasted a month of my life fighting against this. What have i got? Nothing. I tried to reason with her, talk with her..nothing helped. She is not well.

 

This is one of the hardest moments in my life.

[BlueIris]

Well. I hope it's over now and i don't have to post stuff like that anymore.

I deleted her number immeaditely i left her house because i was so pissed about what she said to me.

 

I know i will miss her. I am just so sad. No ex has never said such things to me...she was again completely different person what she was on thursday.

 

I pray for her. I really do. She is one of the most amazing persons i have ever met in my life. Unfortunately she is very sick.

 

I think i did the right choice. I still feel bad. She is very lonely...she needs someone to support her. She wanted to be my friend...but i just cannot take the risk. I cannot wait someone. I have already wasted a month of my life fighting against this. What have i got? Nothing. I tried to reason with her, talk with her..nothing helped. She is not well.

 

This is one of the hardest moments in my life.

 

It doesn't sound as though it's over.

 

People their control your own actions. Once you've truly decided, you won't be "hoping" that you're done. You won't take the passive view of yourself as a powerless person who "has to" do this or that. You won't see yourself as a hapless victim who has no control over his life and actions. .

 

You are lonely and you want someone to support you. You want(ed) to keep a connection. It's fine, but go to a therapist, lay this all out.

[VeveCakes]

I suggest to avoid drinking for a bit also.

[Protec]

This is the hardest breakup in my life yet. I really did care about her. Never in my life i have cared this much about someone. Not even my 1st GF who i dated for 2,5 years.

[BlueIris]

This is the hardest breakup in my life yet. I really did care about her. Never in my life i have cared this much about someone. Not even my 1st GF who i dated for 2,5 years.

 

Have you ever heard of traumatic bonding? Maybe read about it. It boils down to developing a very strong bond to someone who generates crises and causes pain, but then also relieves the pain. The Stockholm Syndrome is one form of it. NC is essential if you have a traumatic bond.

[Blanco]

You don't need to hope it's over, because it's totally within your control whether it is or not. That doesn't make it easy, but it's not something that needs to be left to chance.

 

I'm a little concerned that your parting words were along the lines of, "You won't see me again, but you know where to find me." Decoded, that just sounds more like you playing games and subconsciously hoping she will seek you out if you make her think she won't see you again.

[Downtown]

I do definitely believe she was more than just Bipolar. Her bipolar was diagnosed but i do think there was something more there than just that.

Protec, there is a good chance you are correct. Half of the people suffering from bipolar-1 in the past 12 months also suffer from a lifetime occurrence of full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

As you stated in post #32 above, you've already done some reading about BPD. You nonetheless may benefit from taking a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Protec.

[Blanco]

OP should familiarize himself with the above signs, register it for future reference, and be done with it. She isn't his problem anymore and I fear that with his history of wanting to save people, he'll interpret the above information as something that can be worked around rather than what it really means: run away and run far away.

 

Protec, it's time to focus on you. A person with strong boundaries and a healthy sense of self wouldn't be in your position because the relationship would've never progressed anywhere this far.

 

It is time to stop worrying about her and trying to decode her behavior. It is time to stop lamenting how to save or restore this relationship. It is time to focus on you and the issues within that have made you think it's acceptable to engage in such toxic situations.

[BlueIris]

OP should familiarize himself with the above signs, register it for future reference, and be done with it. She isn't his problem anymore and I fear that with his history of wanting to save people, he'll interpret the above information as something that can be worked around rather than what it really means: run away and run far away.

 

Protec, it's time to focus on you. A person with strong boundaries and a healthy sense of self wouldn't be in your position because the relationship would've never progressed anywhere this far.

 

It is time to stop worrying about her and trying to decode her behavior. It is time to stop lamenting how to save or restore this relationship. It is time to focus on you and the issues within that have made you think it's acceptable to engage in such toxic situations.

 

I completely agree.

 

The reason I brought up traumatic bonding is because when I was in a terrible relationship, I learned about it and it was as though a light shone down and all the pieces came together- about MY trouble letting go. When you shift away from focusing on that other person and all of their problems and instead look at yourself, ending it is so much easier.

 

Like Blanco said above, focusing on the other person can be an elaborate form of avoiding yourself.