So it happened. GF with Bipolar cheated and left me.

[Protec]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I definitely need to learn to be happy on my own again before even thinking about entering a relationship.

 

And on another website (website for bipolar) a user gave this link to amazing website.

There are all kinds techniques how to overcome from a relationship with bipolar / BPD person, and also lessons to understand that they are sick, how to manage with anger etc and symptoms from the breakup.

 

I am type of person who easily blames himself.

 

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality | BPDFamily

 

SHe did not have borderline diagnosed, but all that fits her almost 1:1 and it's not uncommon to have BPD with Bipolar (bipolar was diagnosed).

 

And the most interesting thing i learned from that website, and as someone already said it here already, is the "out of sight, out of mind" thinking they have, Object Permanence.

 

I noticed it myself when i was with her and she actually said it to me "looking at your picture or reading your text messages feel like nothing. Unless you are here, i don't feel anything.". That also explains (At least a bit) why she was so keen on items and gifts.

 

I am still trying to learn about the behaviour of BP / BPD people, as it makes me understand i was not the culprit. Also reading similar stories as mine helps too to understand that that is how they just are. They are sometimes normal, sometimes not and when they are not treated correctly, life is hell with them and they are not relationship material at that point.

 

NC still going strong. I feel bit better now (for a while at least).

 

Been watching some japanese soap opera from netflix

[Protec]

I know i am thinking too much good about her. It will pass. But i rather remember her as a woman who baked cakes to her kids and painted eggshells on easter, than a cheating bitch who parties and drinks and bangs everything that moves.

 

It's denial, i know....

 

But at least i am keeping NC!

[Sunkissedpatio]

You already know what she has, she is bipolar. And you can research all about that to understand what makes her act the way she does. Looking for other afflictions online is not going to necessarily bring you more answers. You will find a million conditions online that she will fit, that anyone fits.. really..

 

You would benefit a lot more from trying to figure out what it is in you that attracted someone like her and allowed you stick around for all that abuse. But I understand you will do what you need to do at your pace.

 

Good for you for keeping up the NC that is a huge positive step you have taken Protec! Stay strong! Already today you sound better and more determined. It's really good to see that.

 

One day at a time my friend.

[Protec]

You already know what she has, she is bipolar. And you can research all about that to understand what makes her act the way she does. Looking for other afflictions online is not going to necessarily bring you more answers. You will find a million conditions online that she will fit, that anyone fits.. really..

 

You would benefit a lot more from trying to figure out what it is in you that attracted someone like her and allowed you stick around for all that abuse. But I understand you will do what you need to do at your pace.

 

Good for you for keeping up the NC that is a huge positive step you have taken Protec! Stay strong! Already today you sound better and more determined. It's really good to see that.

 

One day at a time my friend.

 

 

The reason i met her was because she was beautiful. I almost deleted her from Tinder when i was chatting with her there.

 

"You sound like my crazy loser brother!"

"What kind of person lives in a flat?"

 

She said those to me in Tinder. But for some reason i was still curious about her (she was pretty) and i thought meeting new people is always nice.

 

And soon i noticed i had feelings for her. She was pretty and she was fun etc.

 

I have always attracted so easily to people who interest me. And she was interesting...

 

I did not take her because i didn't want to be alone. I have never dated a person i don't really like. But, maybe part of me also did not want to be alone.

 

Spending saturday night alone in home, or spend saturday night with a nice woman? Not very hard choice, but i still LIKED her. I cannot be with people i dislike, i am not a masochist (believe it or not ).

 

We came along nicely and she was really beautiful. And i am weak for pretty women unfortunately.

 

And she said she got attracted to me because i did not try to get in her pants at few first dates, and she always liked the way i looked. So there was also chemisty involved both sides. I liked how she looked, she liked how i looked.

And she also mentioned how she liked how i was more sensitive than most men. And i am.

 

So i had some qualities in me she found interesting / likeable. And i found qualities from her i liked.

 

Was she mirroring? I have no idea. Back then i did not even know yet she had bipolar.

 

But yes, i feel better today. And hopefully i feel better tomorrow. But i know i will "slump" at weekends. Weekends are the worst...

 

As i really just cannot enjoy nightclubs and at the moment i am afraid i will run into her and that would NOT be a good thing...i really don't want to see her with any guys at the moment.

 

Maybe rent a good movie and some good food and snacks and enjoy that i can be with the person that loves me the most: ME.

 

I really need to learn how to love myself more. I deserve better than mentally ill people in my life. I know i am a good guy, i have some issues yes, but i still deserve better.

[Sunkissedpatio]

No dear, this isn't something you are going to figure out on your own. You may think you can but we cannot see what we haven't been able to see on our own

 

This is something you need help from a professional to help you dig deeper as to why you have attached the way you have to someone that makes you feel so worthless at times. Why you blame yourself and put up with so little in return. Do you suffer from depression or anxiety? You said you had panic attacks in the past.

 

 

Maybe it is the language barrier and you are translating from Finnish to English but there is a child-like quality to your posts that is endearing but also concedes that maybe you don't have a lot of experience with relationships. Is that correct?

 

And yes weekends are the worst and the hardest especially in the beginning.

 

It's just a matter of getting used to it again. We are used to being with our partners on weekend and so now you have to get used to being on your own again. Can you visit friends or family on weekends?

 

You should look into a Meetup group, I am sure they have them in Finland too. There are all sorts of meetups of all sorts of activities and interests it's a great way to meet new people. In my city they even have meetups for people trying to get over breakups!

[Protec]

No dear, this isn't something you are going to figure out on your own. You may think you can but we cannot see what we haven't been able to see on our own

 

This is something you need help from a professional to help you dig deeper as to why you have attached the way you have to someone that makes you feel so worthless at times. Why you blame yourself and put up with so little in return. Do you suffer from depression or anxiety? You said you had panic attacks in the past.

 

 

Maybe it is the language barrier and you are translating from Finnish to English but there is a child-like quality to your posts that is endearing but also concedes that maybe you don't have a lot of experience with relationships. Is that correct?

 

And yes weekends are the worst and the hardest especially in the beginning.

 

It's just a matter of getting used to it again. We are used to being with our partners on weekend and so now you have to get used to being on your own again. Can you visit friends or family on weekends?

 

You should look into a Meetup group, I am sure they have them in Finland too. There are all sorts of meetups of all sorts of activities and interests it's a great way to meet new people. In my city they even have meetups for people trying to get over breakups!

 

Well i have dated before, so i have some experience in dating life.

 

My answer why i tolerated her behaviour:

 

-She still at times was very nice towards me (push / pull )

-Desperatly thinking that things will turn better

-I liked her and did not want to give up

 

This is the first relationship i've been with mentally ill and i can tell you this has been the most exhausting thing i've ever been in. And what i have read and talked with other people who have been "victims" of Bipolar / BPD partners, it's pretty common that they get you so hooked on them.

 

But yes, there is something in me too. I am just type of person who thinks when problems arise "This can be solved. This can be fixed." I just don't know how to give up.

 

But...i have dumped a woman once. I met her only for few weeks and i dumped her because i really didn't want to listen her stories about her aborted child everytime i saw her. Also she talked about herself in 3rd person.

And i didn't like her that much.

 

It is directly linked to that how much i care about a person. But my relationships have been stormy before... My 1st GF broke up with me 3 times. My 2nd GF cheated on me and dumped etc. I've always been dumped.

 

Afraid to be alone again, low self-esteem, desperatly trying to "fix" things, wanting to believe things will get better again etc. many reasons why i stay.

Also because she was ill i felt like i need to help her and be her support.

[Protec]

Having a bad day again. I saw dreams about her almost all night, and those dreams were nice.

 

Again i have entered the self-blame state. i know i shouldn't but i can't stop thinking part of this my also my fault.

 

-Why did i buy alcohol for her as i knew alcohol is not good for her, even if she asked for it?

-Why did i let her drink while her kids were at home? (not get wasted, glass of red wine etc.)

-Why didn't i set better boundaries for her?

 

Now i blame myself for getting those red wines...but she asked for it! "Could you go and bring some red wine for me?" What am i supposed to say? "No, you are mentally ill person and you need to stay out of alcohol". I am not her babysitter.

 

Was this all my fault afterall? I should have understood that NO ALCOHOL.

 

God damn this brain.

 

I went out for a walk and every time i thought about her i pinched myself so hard it hurt. Trying to make my body understand thinking about her will hurt.

 

But i am still keeping NC! 4th day now. But still i constantly have the urge to talk with her. I would like to apologize her for my behaviour. But then again i think why should i?

 

She cheated me, she dated and had sex with some guy while being friends with me and having sex with me and not telling me about it.

 

She constanly said i was no good, i was a loser, not rich enough, not adventurous enough, unable to build a house for her or pay for her vacations and lifestyle.

 

"only thing you can do is ****". I guess i take that as a compliment Knowing how many guys she has slept with i really take that as a compliment.

 

But i need to pinch my self again. OW!

[Protec]

She warned about herself in the beginning, there was so many red flags around and i just ignored them.

 

-She told me she has cheated on her ex's

-She told me she has slept with many guys

-She constantly bashed her exes on me. How much of *******s they were etc. Not a

single positive thing about her ex's.

 

Why the hell ignored all of them?

 

If she had told me in Tinder that "I have slept with around 40 guys and i have cheated my ex's because they were *******s", i would have never met her.

 

I am having terrible day...NC is holding but having hard time keeping it.

Suddenly bursted in tears when i was in a shop today because the layout of the shop reminded me of the shop we used to go together.

 

[Itspointless]

So, what are your measures (fail-saves) now to not give in?

[Protec]

So, what are your measures (fail-saves) now to not give in?

 

Well i just hang in there. Every time i have urge to call her i start thinking all the bad things she said to me, all the miserable moments, her cheating and dating another guy same time as "dating" me.

 

She did it back in the xmas too. We were just friends back then when we met and later she revealed she was seeing other guys at the same time. And again she used the same excuse "well, we were just getting known to each other. We were not officially together yet."

 

But of course i thought i was special and she would not treat me that way because she said all kinds of nice things to me how i am the best guy she has ever met and hoped she had met me 10 years ago.

 

Of course i thought she would act differently with me. Afterall, i was the greatest guy she had ever met! All her ex's were a-holes and whatnot so she had reason to treat them badly.

 

I told her about my other ex, how she left and never came back. "Oh how can someone be so evil TO YOU!??? You are such a nice man. What a bitch she was."

 

Oh what a fool i am

 

she was basically waving the red flags all over my face. I was just "take those flags out of my face!"

 

I somehow still cannot hate her. I just feel sorry for her. She tries hard... i know she hurts herself too acting that way. She still has emotions...she wants to be the best mother to her kids, she wants to be a good loving woman, but she ****s up, she does not have the strenght to fight her illness.

 

Well...i was no help either. But it doesn't make any difference. Her ex before me did not drink at all. Result? They were not together. She cheated on him too and kicked him out because apparently he did not know how to clean apartment correctly.

 

So i don't think there really was nothing i could have done. If she wants to get better she has to do it herself. Not me, not her parents or friends...

 

This will take some time.

 

Tomorrow i am seeing the psych. nurse and i will ask her to get a note (whatever it's called...) to go to private psychiatrist. There is something in me why i always end up in toxic relationships and why i stick in them so hard.

 

I don't enjoy this. And there are lots of other issues too. I was actually envious of my ex because she could enjoy doing stuff alone. But she cannot be alone. The longest time she has been without a guy has been a month.

 

At least i've been alone for over a year.

 

But i am determined now. I need to get out of this slump. I want to feel like i used to. Only i can change that. No woman can do it. Only me.

 

I seriously have problems enjoying life alone. Sure i can spend movie nights at home and feel fine. But going to movie theaters alone, events etc. they are impossible for me. I feel so lonely in those.

 

Certain activities i enjoy doing alone, running, walking, going to gym. Those are pretty much the only activities i don't even think about wanting to do with someone else.

 

But going to play frisbeegolf alone? No. I cannot do it. Going to movies? No. Theater? No. Museums? No. Concerts? No. Nightclubs? No.

 

In my head i think those are meant to do with someone else. ANd honestly i don't like nightclubs that much. With my ex i enjoyed though. I enjoyed pretty much everything i did with her.

 

She's the only woman who has ever made me dance on the dancefloor. Others have tried...without success.

 

Sorry for the long post. Just putting some thoughts out from my head.

[frigginlost]

 

But going to play frisbeegolf alone? No. I cannot do it. Going to movies? No. Theater? No. Museums? No. Concerts? No. Nightclubs? No.

 

 

Have you tried any of the above more than once?

 

I absolutely hated the thought of doing those exact things by myself as my ex-wife and I did those things all the time. I then forced myself to do it. And you know what? I hated it at first. The first museum I went to by myself, I had tears in my eyes walking through it. But I kept pushing myself.

 

Now, I love it!! If I see a shack on the side of the road or an antique shop or want to catch a movie, or eat at a new place, I do it. And I have a blast!

[Protec]

Have you tried any of the above more than once?

 

I absolutely hated the thought of doing those exact things by myself as my ex-wife and I did those things all the time. I then forced myself to do it. And you know what? I hated it at first. The first museum I went to by myself, I had tears in my eyes walking through it. But I kept pushing myself.

 

Now, I love it!! If I see a shack on the side of the road or an antique shop or want to catch a movie, or eat at a new place, I do it. And I have a blast!

 

I haven't even tried... Eating i can do alone. Nothing's better than a good meal! With or without companion.

 

So i guess i have lots of improvement to do. This is definitely the most horrible breakup i have ever experienced.

 

I feel like i am drunk but i havent taken any alcohol. Usually i have managed to turn the feeling of loneliness and pain into anger and that way into something positive, like going to gym.

 

But now i just feel beaten, tired, willing to give up. I am having some dark thoughts inside my head and one of them is "only good thing going on in my life is that i am alive". That is seriously f'cked up.

 

I just can't connect to the anger in a positive way. The flame has died. There is no spark left. That's how i feel.

 

Usually when i have been dumped i have started running, going to gym, pushing my self so hard i can taste blood in my mouth. Now i have barely energy to go for a 4km walk.

 

This is completely new to me. I have never felt like this. I have usually maintained my willpower. "i will not let a woman beat me down like this!". You know, be angry. Now i am nothing. I just am.

 

Maybe i am depressed? Is this how it feels?

 

Eh...i just hope tomorrow is better day.

 

I miss my old self. Nothing got me down. Not rain. Not heatwaves. Nothing broke my spirit. I used to run, go to gym no matter what. In rain, in snow, cold or hot. I did it. There was no excuses.

 

I had so much energy that after 1h boxing practice i still had so much energy left, i went for a 30 min run.

 

I am just a miserable shadow of my old self. I want that flame back.

I want myself back. The man who was proud of what he was. Not this trainwreck who whines about everything and has no strenght to do almost nothing anymore.

 

This relationship really drained me...

[frigginlost]

 

This is completely new to me. I have never felt like this. I have usually maintained my willpower. "i will not let a woman beat me down like this!". You know, be angry. Now i am nothing. I just am.

 

Maybe i am depressed? Is this how it feels?

 

 

This relationship really drained me...

 

When my ex split after nearly 20 years, I had no clue what depression was. All I know is that I did not have energy to do anything. Not a damn thing. I knew that if I hit the gym, played hockey etc, like I used to, I would feel better. The problem was, I had no energy to do even that. I was spent.

 

Then I sucked it up and went to talk to my Doc. He gave me 14 days worth of Xanax and started a Prozac regime for 3 months. It changed my outlook in 3 weeks. My old self was back and my want to improve myself went through the roof. I was back on skates and back at the gym.

 

I lasted 2 months on Prozac and stopped. I did not even use the entire prescription.

 

Go talk to a Dr.

[BC1980]

I know i am thinking too much good about her. It will pass. But i rather remember her as a woman who baked cakes to her kids and painted eggshells on easter, than a cheating bitch who parties and drinks and bangs everything that moves.

 

It's denial, i know....

 

But at least i am keeping NC!

 

She doesn't have to be all bad or all good. Most people are a little of both. Sometimes, the bad outweighs the good, and, in this case, the bad clearly outweighed any good.

[Itspointless]

But going to play frisbeegolf alone? No. I cannot do it. Going to movies? No. Theater? No. Museums? No. Concerts? No. Nightclubs? No.

 

In my head i think those are meant to do with someone else.

When depressed I sometimes force myself to do things I do not like. Sometimes it also is important to make new good memories when they are stained with something. Also notice how you have a conviction playing here! Try to start to work on that and say some times a day, why wouldn't I like going alone to the theater and museums, of-course I do. And start doing it! Do it again even if you do not like it, like you expected, and again.

[Protec]

Yes, i just have to force myself.

 

I just sent a job application. I hope i get the job...i really really do.

 

What bothers me the most is i barely have any money and i foolishly spent my last savings to my ex.

 

But what i like is my ex did not stay with me because of my money at least.

 

I still blame myself for my stupid behaviour...

 

I know i will get better. It just takes time.

 

I did some music while ago. I still got it

[Itspointless]

Yes, i just have to force myself.

 

I just sent a job application. I hope i get the job...i really really do.

Thats good Protec, being busy with that myself. I don't know how it is in Finland but here we do not land jobs that easy. So let it not depress you if you are not invited. Aren't you obliged to write a certain amount of letters a month by you government or were you still living on your savings?

 

Keep yourself busy with your music!!

[Sunkissedpatio]

Look Protec read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/587763-i-m-newlywed-who-went-off-mood-stabalizers-had-week-long-affair#

[Protec]

Thats good Protec, being busy with that myself. I don't know how it is in Finland but here we do not land jobs that easy. So let it not depress you if you are not invited. Aren't you obliged to write a certain amount of letters a month by you government or were you still living on your savings?

 

Keep yourself busy with your music!!

 

Well basically they can ask you where you have applied to but they almost never do. As i am pretty active myself.

 

I just visited the psych. nurse and she did amaze me. I started smiling at one point and she asked "what's so funny?"

 

"That's exactly how it went."

 

She knew, just from my notes where i listed my good and bad sides and talking with me, she knew.

 

My problems relate from my childhood and teenage years. And they are constant even today.

 

And about my anger? She said it is normal. AS i am a kind person and have problems controlling boundaries i take and take and swallow my anger until it

grows too much and eventually i explode.

 

There is definitely some work in me, i knew that already. All my self-esteem issues etc. they come together and create these problems. They are all linked.

 

And she said i am too sane for public healthcare (you basically need to be completely bonkers) and of course that is a good thing!

But as i talked with her about private psychiatrist, she said it would be a very good idea to go, since i definitely need help on some areas.

 

Also she asked about my ex's kids and if i had done report about her. I will not do it...but basically i should. She stopped taking her medicine.

 

Anyway, talking with that nurse made me feel better, and understand that my behaviour is normal. We all are individuals, we handle things differently. Some react stronger to breakup, some react in different way.

 

[Protec]

Look Protec read this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/587763-i-m-newlywed-who-went-off-mood-stabalizers-had-week-long-affair#

 

Yeah....just what my ex did. She went off meds, suddenly finds a new guy and does stupid things.

 

I feel sad for her.

 

And the nurse said it's very normal behaviour for bipolars to ditch their medication.

 

I cannot even imagine how terrible illness it must be. I feel so sad for her...

 

At times like this, when i don't even belong in a church, i pray.

 

I do care about her. Even if she did bad stuff for me i don't anything bad to happen to her.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

At times like this, when i don't even belong in a church, i pray.

 

I do care about her. Even if she did bad stuff for me i don't anything bad to happen to her.

 

 

That is a really healthy attitude Protec!

 

Yayyy!! It's nice to see you had a good chat with the psych nurse and that you feel better for speaking with her and that she will recommend a therapist. I think you will get a lot out of it if you follow through with it. Already you say it felt good talking to a professional so imagine having that on a weekly basis.

 

Of course what you are feeling is normal, you were in love, it is very normal to feel deep feelings of loss, anger, frustration, longing and missing like crazy then confusion and hateful emotions and to have questions etc. It's all part of the letting go.

[Itspointless]

My problems relate from my childhood and teenage years. And they are constant even today.

 

And about my anger? She said it is normal. AS i am a kind person and have problems controlling boundaries i take and take and swallow my anger until it

grows too much and eventually i explode.

So I was right, surprise surprise. You took and took, as you were fearful of loosing due to all the insecurity back then.

 

Now do you also believe it when I say that it is useful for you to investigate the anxious attachment-style?

[Protec]

So I was right, surprise surprise. You took and took, as you were fearful of loosing due to all the insecurity back then.

 

Now do you also believe it when I say that it is useful for you to investigate the anxious attachment-style?

 

I will talk about it when i get to proper therapist / psychiatrist whatever it's called.

 

I did have "tough" childhoold. I mean, we were very poor and had lots of financial issues. Our family was loving...but i don't remember hugging my mother or father a lot. I did talk with them but i always felt that i don't want to be an extra burden to my parents, as they had lots of problems themselves.

 

And i was picked at school etc. They all have affected me some ways.

 

And that leads to insecurity etc....i admit i watched LOTS of movies when i was a kid. So maybe they affected me too.

 

I have no idea. But i will not make myself insane on purpose.

 

I admit i have attachment issues and letting go of people is too hard.

I have problems setting boundaries and defending myself. I allow myself to be abused because am afraid of confrontations.

 

I am not a complete pushover. And that again leads to my altering self-esteem. SOmetimes i feel like i can do anything, i am great etc. so when i am having that kind of mood, i am not afraid to push back.

 

But when i am in my low self-esteem state, i feel different.

 

It depends so much what kind of mood i am having...

 

Complicated

 

But finally...finally i am getting somewhere.

 

I think also this all is also related to my mother's death....after that i think my problems started.

 

And i have always got furious when someone lies to me. I believe and trust people so blindly that the biggest insult to me is someone to break my trust...

 

It's complicated, i am a complex person for sure

[frigginlost]

I will talk about it when i get to proper therapist / psychiatrist whatever it's called.

 

I did have "tough" childhoold. I mean, we were very poor and had lots of financial issues. Our family was loving...but i don't remember hugging my mother or father a lot. I did talk with them but i always felt that i don't want to be an extra burden to my parents, as they had lots of problems themselves.

 

And i was picked at school etc. They all have affected me some ways.

 

And that leads to insecurity etc....i admit i watched LOTS of movies when i was a kid. So maybe they affected me too.

 

I have no idea. But i will not make myself insane on purpose.

 

I admit i have attachment issues and letting go of people is too hard.

I have problems setting boundaries and defending myself. I allow myself to be abused because am afraid of confrontations.

 

I am not a complete pushover. And that again leads to my altering self-esteem. SOmetimes i feel like i can do anything, i am great etc. so when i am having that kind of mood, i am not afraid to push back.

 

But when i am in my low self-esteem state, i feel different.

 

It depends so much what kind of mood i am having...

 

Complicated

 

But finally...finally i am getting somewhere.

 

I think also this all is also related to my mother's death....after that i think my problems started.

 

And i have always got furious when someone lies to me. I believe and trust people so blindly that the biggest insult to me is someone to break my trust...

 

It's complicated, i am a complex person for sure

 

Actually Protec, it sounds like you are not.

 

You sound pretty normal and experience the same feelings we all do. It's your reactions (self-pity, anger) that you bury yourself in that you need to learn to climb out of...

[Itspointless]

I will talk about it when i get to proper therapist / psychiatrist whatever it's called.

Good!!

I did have "tough" childhoold. I mean, we were very poor and had lots of financial issues. Our family was loving...but i don't remember hugging my mother or father a lot. I did talk with them but i always felt that i don't want to be an extra burden to my parents, as they had lots of problems themselves.

 

And i was picked at school etc. They all have affected me some ways.

 

And that leads to insecurity etc....i admit i watched LOTS of movies when i was a kid. So maybe they affected me too.

 

I have no idea. But i will not make myself insane on purpose.

Attachment-styles usually have nothing to do with personality disorders. It are learned defense mechanisms that secured ways of getting love when we were young. Not all strategies that worked will work in a normal healthy adult relationship. As I have written before, I am also a bit in the anxious spectrum and I also lost my mother at a young age just as you, so in part I actually do get where you are coming from.