So it happened. GF with Bipolar cheated and left me.

[Protec]

Good!!

 

Attachment-styles usually have nothing to do with personality disorders. It are learned defense mechanisms that secured ways of getting love when we were young. Not all strategies that worked will work in a normal healthy adult relationship. As I have written before, I am also a bit in the anxious spectrum and I also lost my mother at a young age just as you, so in part I actually do get where you are coming from.

 

Also one reason is why i cling so hard is because i've always have trouble finding women i like. It takes such a rare person to like me and that i like back. I am afraid i will never find anyone again.

 

And i really did have good chemistry with her. That is something you cannot pretend. I've never had this good chemistry with anyone. Nothing in her bothered me. Even her sweat smelled nice to me

 

Unlike my other ex who had horrible stinky feet...and my ex before this one had terrible morning breath. This woman did not even have a morning breath...physically (her scent, body odor, looks) she was perfect.

 

And i am not saying because i still feel attracted to her. She really had very good qualities in her. I even loved her laugh.

 

I hated one of ex's voice. She sounded like a man. Not something you even want to listen

 

So yes...i am picky, but in her, every piece just fitted so well. It's unfortunate that she had this illness...

 

I really think that with proper medication we could have been an amazing couple. But all the problems started when she started messing with her medications and started drinking more heavily.

 

Still sad i lost her.

 

But know i know what kind of a woman i want. I want someone like her but without the mental illness and cheating and lying behaviour.

 

She was the most beautiful woman i have ever dated. That's why she has no problem dating several guys at once...

 

Me on the other hand? I couldn't even cheat if i wanted since i have some strange magnet in me that repels women instead of attracting them

[Itspointless]

Also one reason is why i cling so hard is because i've always have trouble finding women i like. It takes such a rare person to like me and that i like back. I am afraid i will never find anyone again. [...] But know i know what kind of a woman i want. I want someone like her but without the mental illness and cheating and lying behaviour.

I am afraid I have bad news for you. You do not cling so hard because you have trouble finding women you like. You cling so hard because she has something familiar. it is that unconscious familiarity that we often call chemistry or attraction. It exactly is that feeling that we need to be careful with when we notice it. For insecure attached people it is an alarm. That other option you described does not exist as she would not give you the same feeling.

[Protec]

Well...saturday could start worse.

 

Listening mastered version of my upcoming single and there is a release contract in my email :)

 

Still love this track. Never getting bored of this....

[Protec]

I am afraid I have bad news for you. You do not cling so hard because you have trouble finding women you like. You cling so hard because she has something familiar. it is that unconscious familiarity that we often call chemistry or attraction. It exactly is that feeling that we need to be careful with when we notice it. For insecure attached people it is an alarm. That other option you described does not exist as she would not give you the same feeling.

 

Yeah. She definitely felt familiar. Even the first time i met her i felt safe around her. Hard to describe but you know what i mean.

 

It felt like i had known that person my whole life. It's chemistry yes. Because in reality i did not know single thing about her, but she felt like that.

 

it was so easy being around her. I felt like i was...with myself. Not once she called me weird when i talked about my strange ideas. Never called me insane or mentally ill, crazy. Not once.

 

She liked my ideas, she usually was like "oh oh! that would be awesome! And you know what...." she continued.

 

Darn it darn. I miss her mind.

[Protec]

I am having a great day today. SIgned the contract so my 2nd single will be released soon

 

And i went to food market with my father and his woman, i enjoyed. lots of people and i even made one woman smile at me. Made me feel good.

 

At the moment, i am euphoric even. STrange. Everything is so beautiful.

[Protec]

I don't think my ex was mirroring, at least not all of it. I mean before i even talked about it she mentioned a video game series she likes and i like it too. Monkey Island. She loved those games. I never mentioned them to her and she liked them too...

 

God i miss her. Weekends are definitely the worst.

 

And i have noticed my emotions have gone down again...i feel sad. Just few hours ago i felt awesome...Alcohol might have something to do with it. I did not drink much, just few to celebrate that i got my track released...

 

But i do feel different at the moment.

[Protec]

Still seeing dreams about her...i have noticed i have sleeping problems :/'

 

I'm looking forward going to the psychiatrist. The NC is holding quite well. I still wish to talk with her, to apologize my behaviour.

 

Should i apologize from her? I just wonder how long it takes for me to heal... I got a taste of a family life, and i liked it, then i lost it.

[Itspointless]

Still seeing dreams about her...i have noticed i have sleeping problems :/' [...] Should i apologize from her? I just wonder how long it takes for me to heal... I got a taste of a family life, and i liked it, then i lost it.

Dreaming is a function of grieving.

 

And what do you think yourself? No!!!!!

 

Healing took me more than two years from a relation that only lasted a few months. Actually I dreamed of her this night - first time since ages - and it wasn't something I liked. I still wish I could go back in time, but Protec just as with you it really would not help a thing. You need to work on you and detox (like a drug addict).

[Protec]

Dreaming is a function of grieving.

 

And what do you think yourself? No!!!!!

 

Healing took me more than two years from a relation that only lasted a few months. Actually I dreamed of her this night - first time since ages - and it wasn't something I liked. I still wish I could go back in time, but Protec just as with you it really would not help a thing. You need to work on you and detox (like a drug addict).

 

I still feel horrible for what i said to her and how i behaved in front of her.

I just can't live with this guilt

 

I would love to apologize somehow...And i still think good things about her.

NC is holding. This is the longest time i have not talked with her ever since i met her. 6 days now. I knew it i could how it just when i get angry enough...

 

Now i wonder how long i have to be single again...again it's so beautiful summer day and i have no one to spend it with...Yes, this is a problem.

 

I need to learn how to be alone. How to enjoy life alone. Let's see...what would i do if i would be with my ex right now?

 

Talk with her about something for sure, and probably make some evening snack and help her to put her kids to sleep...after that we would probably watch some movie together and enjoy the evening.

 

Now what i miss the most. Not watching the movie no...not making snacks nope. Talking...connecting to someone...not feeling alone. Someone to talk with, someone who listens and someone who talks back. Human interaction.

 

 

That's it. It's not even sex i miss. Not hugs. But just being with her was so fulfilling. DArnit. I really do miss her.

 

And i hate myself for burning the bridges with her. Why i just couldn't shut the hell up? Why do i always lose control when i get super angry?

 

What kind of person sends a message to her ex "kill yourself you stupid whore?"

 

VERY angry person. My angry side is complete opposite what i really am. COMPLETE. It scares me and i cannot control it at all

 

I become a completely different person when i get angry.

 

I need to control it. Because i am afraid i may really get in trouble. My ex could have called the police. "Police? Help my crazy ex bf broke trough my door!!!" That is all she would have needed to do :/

 

I once lost my drivers license because i was so angry so i expessed my anger on the freeway. Pedal to the medal and motorcycle cop pulled me over. I was arguing with my 1st GF back then. She was not with me at the time.

 

And it's been my problem for a long time... My friends used to tease me a lot because of that.... So it's been part of me for a long time.

 

Well, that is something i need to discuss about.

 

It is definitely a problem. I feel like it's a different part of me completely.

[Itspointless]

You need to focus on the negative things of her right now, not the things you miss or things you feel guilty about. Yes you did stupid things, use it for learning. Make a list of her negative things and pin it on a place you often see. And go on with that trick where you pinch yourself (or do it with an elastic band around your wrist).

 

Furthermore I really advice for you to ask for a full psychic evaluation with the psych. at least you need to work on your insecure attachment and your anger management. When you do it can only get better for you and I mean with that that you will start to feel better.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you deleted her number yet?

 

Don't apologize. You said some unsavory things, but chances are, she doesn't care and isn't really affected by it.

 

You are looking for excuses to talk to her. That needs to stop. NOW.

[Simon Phoenix]

This merry-go-round isn't over yet. Protec is about to Protec again I'm afraid.

[Protec]

This merry-go-round isn't over yet. Protec is about to Protec again I'm afraid.

 

 

No. I don't want to. I admit i have my thoughts going back and forth.

 

Like just now i was taking a shower and i had the same shampoo here than at her place, well...it triggered a memory. A nice one.

 

I guess it's normal to think about the good sides of a person after breakup?

 

@Itspointless Yes, thats why i am thinking about going to psychiatrist instead of psychologist. I don't think there is nothing wrong with me that leads to diagnosis, right now i am suffering from breakup and that messes me up.

 

At least when i talked with the psych. nurse, she said this is most likely just a reaction to difficult situation in life. All my behaviour etc. And i think so too. But there are the core problems that need to be solved.

 

After all, i am perfectly cabable of normal human life. I just have these things i need to learn to solve. But definitely a psychiatrist first, they can point me to other direction then if needed. Psychotherapy etc.

 

Currently i have tried to avoid everything that would trigger a memory in me. Familiar songs, scents, places, pictures etc.

 

I cannot change the past. It's all done now.I messed up many times by walking out from her place "this is the last time i see you!" and going back. I shoud have handled it differently. Maybe she would not have found another guy? I dunno.

 

But as i was walking today i was thinking about what she did. All her words and lies echoing in my head. Then i imagined her being with her new guy saying the exact same things to him. it got me angry.

 

I could never lie to someone like that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Have you blocked her? If not I guarantee you're going to get weak and slip up again.

[Protec]

Have you blocked her? If not I guarantee you're going to get weak and slip up again.

 

I have not blocked her. I have never blocked anyone.

 

Now i have kept NC for 7 days. I have not sent a SINGLE message to her.

 

I am still thinking of contacting her later. Maybe in for of a handwritten letter.

But NOT to get her back. I would just like to apologize from her...i dunno.

 

What do i have even to apologize?

 

Sorry for buying red wine? Sorry for not being able to build a house? Sorry for not having enough money to support you financially?

 

Yeah..actually i don't have nothing to apologize from her.

 

Why can't i beat it into my thick skull that she was an adult, thus responsible for her own behaviour.

 

Again: if i ask my friend to bring me bottle of vodka, i drink it, get wasted, do stupid things while drunk, it's not my friends fault of bringing the bottle. It's my fault for drinking it. I make the decision, not my friend.

 

Sick or not, it's her call. Not mine.

 

Very warm day today!!! Shoud go swimming...

[Protec]

Oh god these days are the worst. I have no one to spend time with.

 

Most AWESOME summer day you can imagine and i am wondering what to do. Friends are at work etc. busy. I have no idea what to do alone :/

[Itspointless]

Oh god these days are the worst. I have no one to spend time with.

 

Most AWESOME summer day you can imagine and i am wondering what to do. Friends are at work etc. busy. I have no idea what to do alone :/

Read a book.

[Blanco]

You need to get comfortable doing things alone. A big part of why you seem to return to this woman again and again is because you have not done much to build a life of friends and hobbies outside of the realm of dating.

 

In wake of breakups, yes, doing things alone can feel uncomfortable, even downright torturous. So it's not like I think you should just do everything alone or even most things alone. But if you're ever to stop being so dependent on relationships, you have to not only do things alone, but come to enjoy the act.

 

I spent the afternoon with family yesterday, but came home midday and really didn't talk or see anyone for the rest of the day and night. I didn't mind, because I embraced the alone time to do what I wanted. I laid on the couch and read for a while. I fixed a nice dinner for myself. I watched some TV while I put together a new piece of storage furniture.

 

A year ago, when my last breakup was still somewhat fresh, that's the sort of night I would've tried to avoid or would've struggled to enjoy. But I made sure to keep at it (while balancing it with other days and nights where I engaged with friends and family). Now, I find that alone time an enjoyable way to do things I want to do while recharging my social batteries.

[Itspointless]

Protec I was very serious with my reading suggestion. When I feel depressed immersing myself in books - I am an introvert - is awesome. Just remember that too much reading also can become a flee from reality.

[Protec]

You need to get comfortable doing things alone. A big part of why you seem to return to this woman again and again is because you have not done much to build a life of friends and hobbies outside of the realm of dating.

 

In wake of breakups, yes, doing things alone can feel uncomfortable, even downright torturous. So it's not like I think you should just do everything alone or even most things alone. But if you're ever to stop being so dependent on relationships, you have to not only do things alone, but come to enjoy the act.

 

I spent the afternoon with family yesterday, but came home midday and really didn't talk or see anyone for the rest of the day and night. I didn't mind, because I embraced the alone time to do what I wanted. I laid on the couch and read for a while. I fixed a nice dinner for myself. I watched some TV while I put together a new piece of storage furniture.

 

A year ago, when my last breakup was still somewhat fresh, that's the sort of night I would've tried to avoid or would've struggled to enjoy. But I made sure to keep at it (while balancing it with other days and nights where I engaged with friends and family). Now, I find that alone time an enjoyable way to do things I want to do while recharging my social batteries.

 

My problem is that i feel alone even among people. Last saturday i was at a international food market with my father and his woman.

 

I felt lonely. There i was with my own father and among hundreds of people. I didn't feel connected to anyone.

 

Right now i just came back from downtown, i thought it would help me to go outside just for a walk to see people etc. Well no. All i saw was couples holding hands, people with friends laughing, friends having beer on terrace of a pub. Even at the pub there was no one alone.

 

This is my problem even without the relationship.

 

But...the interesting thing is.... Listen.

 

If i am in relationship and spend time alone.- I feel okay. Because inside of my head i know i have someone i can spend time with, to talk with and so on when i want. And actually enjoy some time alone once a while.

 

...But if i am single and do the very same thing of going downtown alone, i feel awkward. Now i know there is no one to talk with, no one to connect to, no one to spend time with...

 

So it's not about being alone in that moment, it's that i know i am alone.

 

I hope i explained it clearly

 

But that is my issue. I've felt lonely ever since i was in 7th grade. No one really understands me, my deepest thoughts.

 

So the core problem indeed lies in my childhood.

 

Being somewhere crowded place just increases my feeling of loneliness, if i am not seeing anyone.

 

This is definitely an issue. And i feel lonely with my friends too. They are so different than what i am...

[Protec]

I have hobbies. I go to gym, i go for walks, running sometimes and i make music. That's really all i can afford at the moment.

 

Also i have few friends. But they are always busy. They have their own families, girlfriends etc. so there is not much time for hanging out like the good old days anymore.

 

Also i have grown apart from some of my friends. They found their own stuff (cars) and found new friends and they spend time with their new friends.

 

Some of my friends moved to other country, some moved to other city, etc. i've had plenty of friends. I still do have some friends. But really good ones? Maybe just a few.

 

Someone said once "you are good looking man, maybe that is why your friends don't spend time with you, they are jealous". It's a theory.

 

Guess i should just find new friends. But that is easier said than done...

[Itspointless]

So it's not about being alone in that moment, it's that i know i am alone.

 

I hope i explained it clearly

 

But that is my issue. I've felt lonely ever since i was in 7th grade. No one really understands me, my deepest thoughts.

 

So the core problem indeed lies in my childhood.

 

Being somewhere crowded place just increases my feeling of loneliness, if i am not seeing anyone.

 

This is definitely an issue. And i feel lonely with my friends too. They are so different than what i am...

Protec, I have always had that, I have even have felt lonely since I was four (no it is not a competition) I always find it dangerous to say that I have felt exactly the same. But for the first time in my life (I am 37) that feeling is 'almost' not there anymore. Meaning, we can work on ourselves and change.

 

The hard part is that isn't a switch that can to be pulled just like that, it is hard work and also some luck. I cannot tell you why I am able to do it now. I am working on things for a long time now (and I mean a long time), but I do know that my latest breakup enabled me to work many things and really has pushed me into another place. I am telling you this as I hope that perhaps my story can be inspiring to you in any way. But you have to choose for you and avoid her.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Itspointless

[Protec]

Protec, I have always had that, I have even have felt lonely since I was four (no it is not a competition) I always find it dangerous to say that I have felt exactly the same. But for the first time in my life (I am 37) that feeling is 'almost' not there anymore. Meaning, we can work on ourselves and change.

 

The hard part is that isn't a switch that can to be pulled just like that, it is hard work and also some luck. I cannot tell you why I am able to do it now. I am working on things for a long time now (and I mean a long time), but I do know that my latest breakup enabled me to work many things and really has pushed me into another place. I am telling you this as I hope that perhaps my story can be inspiring to you in any way. But you have to choose for you and avoid her.

 

I will work on my loneliness. I am introverted too. I need to also realise the fact that we are adults now. I do have friends. I need to contact them more.

They have families etc. I admit i have forgotten my friends too when i have been dating. And that is wrong thing to do.

 

But my ex removed my loneliness. Not every person can do it. There was something between me and her i cannot explain....

 

Sigh...

[Simon Phoenix]

I have not blocked her. I have never blocked anyone.

 

Well, you should start here. Because you're going to slip up if you don't protect yourself. While it's good you've gone a week, self-control isn't really something you're good at, which is why this thread is 34 pages and going.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Simon Phoenix

[Protec]

Well, you should start here. Because you're going to slip up if you don't protect yourself. While it's good you've gone a week, self-control isn't really something you're good at, which is why this thread is 34 pages and going.

 

Yeah i constantly want to send her that i miss her. And i do. I don't miss the pain though... Well she was the pain. And wasn't.

 

Again i dreamed about her the whole night :/ Woke up and felt terrible

 

NC is still holding. OVer week now. Yey.

 

BUT GOD i miss her...