So it happened. GF with Bipolar cheated and left me.

[frigginlost]

I don't need drugs. I just need to get over her. It will take some time.

Don't insult me. Yes she had bad sides in her. VERY BAD SIDES, but also she had VERY GOOD sides.

 

Disagree. You very much need something to even you out.

 

That's why this was so hard. This whole thing. Because of the 2 sides of her and those switching back and forth all the time.

 

No. You're seeing it as two sides. She has one single side, and that is of someone who will not, and cannot ever change. That is who she is. Your attachment to her is dependent on the "good side" and believe that is who she truly is. It is not. And it never will be.

 

Sure, i allowed that. I had the ability to leave whenever i wanted. But it is not that easy. I knew she was ill. I just felt "i cannot leave a sick person. Things will get better again". That is what kept me going. I just wanted to believe that she will get better and those mood swings of her would end eventually.

 

You were making excuses for her. Nothing more.

 

I hope you all undertstand i was not dating a healthy person. She suffered from Bipolar and had very strong traits of NPD in her.

 

There are countless of similar stories than mine all over the web. Difficulties letting go, sudden changes in behaviour etc. it leaves a person very confused when one day they say "i love you more than anything". And next day they are like they don't even know you. Then suddenly they are in love with you again.

 

It was so rough rollercoaster to me mentally.

 

I had a girlfriend that was full-blown BPD. I was with her for two years. She cheated on me, made me the villain, and I lost a ton a mutual friends because she had them all believing that I was some sort of stalker because I was able to piece together her lies and manipulation. She had another "soulmate" taking my place and in her kids life within 3 months.

 

Was it tough to unwind her from my head? Oh, hell yes. But, I had to realize that she will never, ever change as it is in her head that the Dr's were wrong about her diagnosis.

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't insult me. Yes she had bad sides in her. VERY BAD SIDES, but also she had VERY GOOD sides.

 

The Bad Sides are just as much a part of who she is as the Good Sides. Why you fail to grasp this is beyond me. That's the whole package of who she is.

 

And block the damn number. Stop giving yourself an excuse to fail, because you will fail if you continue this. And for as much as you rail about how unhealthy she is, you don't seem to realize that you aren't exactly healthy either.

[Itspointless]

The Bad Sides are just as much a part of who she is as the Good Sides. Why you fail to grasp this is beyond me. That's the whole package of who she is.

Well that is part of the reasons why I keep wining at Protec that he should ask for a full psychic evaluation. He seems to be very stringent in his ways.

[Blanco]

OK, we've established that you miss her and that she has a good side (as does virtually every human who has ever walked the earth). It's time to stop fixating on those things. At this point, it's just regurgitated information that isn't helping you at all.

 

People are "insulting" you because it seems like you're being intentionally dense about a lot of factors regarding this whole situation. Example: You refuse to block her number. Your excuse is that you could easily get it again if you wanted to. Yet you're conveniently ignoring that anyone who is suggesting you block the number is doing so because it means that SHE won't be able to contact you.

[Blanco]

It is the difference between men and women. But Protec, it does not say it is easy for her to find (real) intimicy. Indeed spend the money on a gym membership. Searching usually does not help us find, more often things have a way of finding us at some point. Patience is an important quality.

 

Exactly. Sex and attention from the opposite sex don't automatically equate to intimacy, which is what most of us desire when we partner up beyond a casual context.

 

It's not exactly news that women in general will have an easier time finding attention from the opposite sex.

[SoulCat]

Protec, it's really a lather, rinse , repeat exercise with you because you have failed to take the simplest of advice given to you here since the first page of your long a$$ thread.

 

Block every avenue of contact.

 

It does not matter you can get her number again in no time. The fact that you should block her is used as a psychological barrier.

Blocked means NO, DO NOT GO THERE. FOR YOUR OWN DAMN GOOD.

 

You are not at rock bottom, not by a long shot. You'll go back. Lather, rinse and.... repeat.

[Protec]

I seriously need to get out from this hell.

 

LASt night my friend called, i went there and had some beer etc.

 

It's afternoon and i am still having a hangover.

 

Also i am worried about my head, because my moods change very rapidly.

 

At one moment i am normal, then suddenly i become sad and almost cry, then i become so angry that i don't know what to do, then again it goes away and i can be even euphoric, i even get suicidal thoughts and then they go away.

 

Terrible mood swings. And i feel terrible because of the alcohol.

 

I need to change my way of life. RIGHT NOW. I cannot keep living like this. Why i drank so much last night? Because i felt like ****. And now i feel even worse.

 

Can't blame friends for drinking again. I had these "light" drinks that only have 2,6% alcohol in them. Then friends "oh come on, are you drinking something like that?" So i got something with little more kick in it. Again. Ability to say "no".

 

I knew what was best for me, drink light drinks so i would not get so wasted. Just to relax and have fun. But no. I wanted to feel accepted, so i drank something with more kick. Stupid me.

 

Also i sent a text message when i was so wasted. I have no idea what i sent... i guess it was "i miss you. good night". So now i have to start the whole NC again. After that i deleted her number.

 

And no, she did not answer. But now i know, for 100% sure.

 

I'm pathetic.

 

Oh well. Only way now is to go up.

 

I want to get better. I cannot continue like this. I am destroying myself. I am better than that. I cannot let one woman to destroy me!

 

I barely regognize myself. LAst night i was in a bar with friends and i was thinking "this is not me...old me would have never been this drunk and in a bar at this time of night"

 

Need to find myself again...i need to find those things again i enjoyed before i met my ex.

 

-Making music

-Playing videogames

-Going to gym

-Going running

 

And i need to try out new hobbies. I was thinking that i would go back to boxing.

I could meet new people, and group activities are always good for mental health.

Also boxing is a great way to let go of anger.

 

Also i need to start swimming. I've been talking about it for years but i never get anything done.

 

I need to change my way of thinking instead of dreaming to doing. "Don't dream it, do it."

 

That should be my new motto and way of life, well maybe not in every thing

 

Only i have the power to change my life. I cannot let one person to determine if i am happy or not. I realized that when i was with her i felt alive in the first time in my life.

But i think it's quite concerning if i only feel alive with a certain person, and when i am alone don't.

 

Anyway, have a nice weekend...i try to get better from this darn hangover. I deserved this.

[ExpatInItaly]

What else is new?

 

You won't take the simplest of steps to cut her out of your life.

 

Of course this was going to happen again. But enough with the pity-party; you aren't a victim. You're an active participant.

 

How many times have you said now you are "100% done"? You're not. Just keep in mind that she probably didn't reply because she was preoccupied with another man's baloney pony. Perhaps that image will prevent you from making a fool out of yourself in the future.

Edited July 30, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Blanco]

Everyone please note that he still didn't actually block the number, which would prevent him from getting any sort of response from her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Only you have the power to change your life, yet you can't even muster up the power to block her number. Wash, rinse, repeat -- Protec gonna Protec.

[BlueIris]

I seriously need to get out from this hell.

 

LASt night my friend called, i went there and had some beer etc.

 

It's afternoon and i am still having a hangover.

 

Also i am worried about my head, because my moods change very rapidly.

 

At one moment i am normal, then suddenly i become sad and almost cry, then i become so angry that i don't know what to do, then again it goes away and i can be even euphoric, i even get suicidal thoughts and then they go away.

 

Terrible mood swings. And i feel terrible because of the alcohol.

 

I need to change my way of life. RIGHT NOW. I cannot keep living like this. Why i drank so much last night? Because i felt like ****. And now i feel even worse.

 

Can't blame friends for drinking again. I had these "light" drinks that only have 2,6% alcohol in them. Then friends "oh come on, are you drinking something like that?" So i got something with little more kick in it. Again. Ability to say "no".

 

I knew what was best for me, drink light drinks so i would not get so wasted. Just to relax and have fun. But no. I wanted to feel accepted, so i drank something with more kick. Stupid me.

 

Also i sent a text message when i was so wasted. I have no idea what i sent... i guess it was "i miss you. good night". So now i have to start the whole NC again. After that i deleted her number.

 

And no, she did not answer. But now i know, for 100% sure.

 

I'm pathetic.

 

Oh well. Only way now is to go up.

 

I want to get better. I cannot continue like this. I am destroying myself. I am better than that. I cannot let one woman to destroy me!

 

I barely regognize myself. LAst night i was in a bar with friends and i was thinking "this is not me...old me would have never been this drunk and in a bar at this time of night"

 

Need to find myself again...i need to find those things again i enjoyed before i met my ex.

 

-Making music

-Playing videogames

-Going to gym

-Going running

 

And i need to try out new hobbies. I was thinking that i would go back to boxing.

I could meet new people, and group activities are always good for mental health.

Also boxing is a great way to let go of anger.

 

Also i need to start swimming. I've been talking about it for years but i never get anything done.

 

I need to change my way of thinking instead of dreaming to doing. "Don't dream it, do it."

 

That should be my new motto and way of life, well maybe not in every thing

 

Only i have the power to change my life. I cannot let one person to determine if i am happy or not. I realized that when i was with her i felt alive in the first time in my life.

But i think it's quite concerning if i only feel alive with a certain person, and when i am alone don't.

 

Anyway, have a nice weekend...i try to get better from this darn hangover. I deserved this.

 

Think about a career, or even just getting a full-time job as you think about career. Rewarding and challenging work is one of the best ways to be stronger and feel more positive about yourself and your future. It is a leveler. No matter what else happens in life, success in work will always bolster you.

[Blanco]

Also maybe lay off the alcohol. You seem like a person of limited self control so it's probably a bad idea to be throwing booze into this whole mess.

[frigginlost]

Well golly, I'm so very shocked about this...

 

Seriously, I think it's time to take the kids gloves off. I mean, really, 30 some odd pages in and he needs to be given advice on staying away from alcohol? Are we dealing with a child? This is a grown-ass man. It's time he start acting like one.

 

Protect, knock off the pity BS. Get your arse to a doctor and get some meds to even yourself out.

 

Every single person who reads this thread can see your spiral three days before it starts.

 

Take some of darn advice given to you, and be a damn man.

[Blanco]

Now just picture how his ex must be feeling right now. She has verbally and emotionally eviscerated this guy. She has cheated on him. Has told him he isn't good enough. He doesn't make enough money. He's too much like a child. He's not able to provide for her. He can't do the big things right. He can't do the small things right. He is, her eyes, an effectively useless individual, and she has pulled no punches in letting him know all of these things.

 

And this man's response?

 

"i miss you."

 

Gag.

[Haydn]

Protec.

 

She does not want you.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who does not truly want you?

 

You can blame yourself all you like but

 

`She does not want you`

 

You need to remove yourself from this before something bad happens.

 

In your corner, i want you to come out of this and live life.

 

I`d like to see posts, on how you met a new girl. (In the future)

[Protec]

Also maybe lay off the alcohol. You seem like a person of limited self control so it's probably a bad idea to be throwing booze into this whole mess.

 

You are right. I just need time... little by little i will forget about her.

It's always been that way. But at least i didn't send anything bad to her or tried to call her.

 

Time will heal me. Always had.

 

Today i went for a 8km walk. Took me almost 1,5h!

 

Gonna get myself a time from psychiatrist so i can get some help. I don't really need help with this breakup. I am not going there because of that.

 

I need to fix my core issues. Here are some issues i need to work with:

 

-Changing self-esteem (from low to high)

-Anger gets out of control (but i don't get easily angry.)

-I feel usually lonely and "different" than other people. Not easily on same wavelengtht.

-I cannot enjoy things alone (like movies...theater etc.)

-I feel lonely even in crowded places, sometimes even among friends.(No connection)

-I need another person to feel "complete".

-Inability to defend my self from abuse etc. afraid of conflicts (in real life).

-I am afraid being myself in groups.

 

Those are some i found from myself. I usually open up only to those very close to me, usually GF or family. Even with my friends i am not completely myself.

 

But i look forward getting better.

[Protec]

Protec.

 

She does not want you.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who does not truly want you?

 

You can blame yourself all you like but

 

`She does not want you`

 

You need to remove yourself from this before something bad happens.

 

In your corner, i want you to come out of this and live life.

 

I`d like to see posts, on how you met a new girl. (In the future)

 

Yes i know she doesn't want me...

 

Now i need to focus on healing myself. I hope i will someday meet a wonderful woman, but first i need to learn to change things in me.

 

No woman will take a man who gets wasted home alone, eating chips and watching movies. I need to lose weight, start exercising more frequently, i need to eat healthier...i need to see that psychiatrist to fix my self-esteem (psychotherapy most likely).

 

I am doing better now than i did, lets say week ago. I don't see dreams about her that much anymore. I still think of her and i will miss her.

 

And tomorrow i will need to back to a person who called me last friday. I think it's about the job i applied to few weeks ago.

 

My life has turned upside down what it used to be. I had a job, a nice GF, my own car and life was pretty good. I exerciced frequently, i felt good, i had energy, i met my friends every weekend, i was happy. I had much better self-esteem back then. Life was good.

 

But little by little i've started to be more depressed. And finally i need to go to a professional. This is not what i used to be. I want my old self back.

 

So it's been a downhill for few years now. I have noticed it. I try to fight against it but slowly i have been going further and further down. My alcohol consumption has increased dramatically. Few years ago all i drank during one year was six beers.

 

All i've ever wanted was a nice job and a woman by my side who loves me as i am.

 

I was so happy when my ex said "i don't care about money". And i believed her. Afterall, she knew i was unemployed when she met me.

 

There is so much more going on than just this breakup thing. That's why i am so messed up. Stress from here, stress from there...it all piles up and this is the result.

Edited July 31, 2016 by Protec

[Protec]

I still blame myself for acting stupid towards her.

 

How can i forgive myself? I know she was ill, she hurt me badly. But still i think she did not deserve what i said to her.

 

How do i forgive myself? I never wanted anything bad to her but then i called her by these awful names and acted downright stupid.

 

I have no excuses for it. I lost control. I had ability to walk out or even shut down my phone. I didn't. I unleashed my anger towards her.

 

How do i forgive myself?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Forgiveness is a choice. You knew she was ill but you didn't know to what extent her illness would affect you and you are human and make mistakes too. Knowing about someone's issues and actually being able to cope with them are two different things. You may think you can handle certain things but then find out you actually can't.

 

How do you think she will forgive herself for all the things she did to you?

 

You forgive yourself by accepting that you aren't perfect and you promise yourself that you will not make the same mistakes again.

 

Stop looking for reasons to beat yourself up, that is not going to get you out of this hole.

[Protec]

Well. Good news. I got job interview for myself for wednesday.

 

Only problem is that the job has night shifts and i cannot do those because i cannot sleep during daytime....

 

I am not even sure if i could work in this state of mind. I need to get myself to that psychiatrist soon.

[Itspointless]

Well. Good news. I got job interview for myself for wednesday.

 

Only problem is that the job has night shifts and i cannot do those because i cannot sleep during daytime....

 

I am not even sure if i could work in this state of mind. I need to get myself to that psychiatrist soon.

That interview is a good practice. Well done!

[Protec]

That interview is a good practice. Well done!

 

Yeah. I should be happy but i am not :/ I have no idea why. I finally got an job interview...but i am just worried "what if i get the job???"

 

I am afraid of actually getting a job!

 

I was fine when i worked in the tax office later this year. I worked at tax office for 3,5 months. Your basic monday to friday job, 8-16. Weekends off.

 

But this one would be customer service job and honestly...i don't think if i can handle people at all in this state of mind i am.

 

And the job has night shifts. Those do not suit me at all. How i know? I used to do a job in a factory once that had night shifts. It messed me up so badly, i had terrible burnout and quit my job. Even back then i should have gone to doctor...but i was afraid.

 

So there is something in me. Definitely. Normal person doesn't quit his job. Normal person goes to doctor when problems surface.

 

I had such a burnout then i yelled hard everytime when i got home. I sat in my car and "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" I yelled as hard as i could.

 

I just wanted to be free.

[sooshi]

Like Itspointless said, the interview is good practice. Even if you were offered the position, you could decline it if you didn't feel it was right for you. Take the interview as an opportunity to get yourself out there and to focus on the good you have in you.

 

Take care.

[Protec]

Okay....this is some seriouly cosmic **** here.

 

I searched for an email about my music software (Nexus 2). Well. For some reason i found old emails from year 2010. I sold my old computer to...

 

You never guess. You will NEVER guess.

 

Well...to my ex-gf's stepfather!!! I even met him 6 years ago. I did not remember it because it was not that important event in my life. But now i saw the email and that person had the same last name.

 

And it was him, because there is only 8 people with that last name in finland.

 

I mean what are the odds?! Really.

[Protec]

Another day...

 

Got myself a haircut (because of job interview). Went to my old workplace and talked with the old friend of mine i used to work with (i just sometimes visit that place to keep the "bridge" alive).

 

Went for a 10 km walk...watched movie "Click!" (adam sandler one) and i cried. I always cry when i see that movie. I am so tired of losing people in my life.

 

I lose everyone i love.