So it happened. GF with Bipolar cheated and left me.

[Itspointless]

Another day...

 

Got myself a haircut (because of job interview). Went to my old workplace and talked with the old friend of mine i used to work with (i just sometimes visit that place to keep the "bridge" alive).

 

Went for a 10 km walk...watched movie "Click!" (adam sandler one) and i cried. I always cry when i see that movie. I am so tired of losing people in my life.

 

I lose everyone i love.

Hi Protec, when I lost my mother after five years of illness almost 20 years ago I learned that everything in life is finite. The only constant is movement and difference. In time that made me realize a few things. We always have our memories (my mother lives on in my mind) and secondly that it is more important to celebrate the moments we do have together with people.

 

Crying is good let it happen. With your ex though I also think it really is important for you to keep remembering her bad qualities. Make a list of it and pin it at a place you regularly see. We have to remember ourselves why we have to forget those people. I have to forget my ex because she is not able to tolerate emotional closeness. So the moment I think about her I recollect that insight. We can only combat that loneliness within ourselves by working on ourselves. They are not the fix for that, but they were able to show us that we still have work to do.

[Protec]

Hi Protec, when I lost my mother after five years of illness almost 20 years ago I learned that everything in life is finite. The only constant is movement and difference. In time that made me realize a few things. We always have our memories (my mother lives on in my mind) and secondly that it is more important to celebrate the moments we do have together with people.

 

Crying is good let it happen. With your ex though I also think it really is important for you to keep remembering her bad qualities. Make a list of it and pin it at a place you regularly see. We have to remember ourselves why we have to forget those people. I have to forget my ex because she is not able to tolerate emotional closeness. So the moment I think about her I recollect that insight. We can only combat that loneliness within ourselves by working on ourselves. They are not the fix for that, but they were able to show us that we still have work to do.

 

For some reason i just think mostly the good sides. Of course the bad sides too but then i always come back thinking the good sides.

 

I am so god damn lonely without her. I have no one to talk to. I have friends, my father, my sister always talks with me...but it's different.

 

This is definitely my hardest breakup yet. I cared about her so much. I even treated her better than any other of my gf's. OR maybe i was just desperate trying everything i could to keep her... i don't know but i don't regret anything i did with her.

 

Every rose i bought, every gift i gave, every little love-note i hid in her apartment was to make her happy. I sometimes hid a note somewhere where she could find it.

 

Once i hid a note under her mouse so when she used her computer, the mouse did not work so she found my note. "You're important to me <3"...

 

SIGH.

 

I have the job interview tomorrow morning and i really don't feel good about it at all. I am afraid at people at the moment.

[Itspointless]

I am so god damn lonely without her. I have no one to talk to. I have friends, my father, my sister always talks with me...but it's different. [...] I have the job interview tomorrow morning and i really don't feel good about it at all. I am afraid at people at the moment.

Yes it is different. But you have to get past this somehow and there is only one way to do it. Make the list!

 

Force yourself towards that conversation. Sometimes we can fool our minds for a short time by doing the things we do not feel at the moment. Remember also what sooshi said: it is good to focus on the good you have in you.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Protec listen to/watch

it's phenomenal! This guy is brilliant, and legit (not a "relationship guru" he has actual psychology background) . My therapist has touched on some of the things he touches on. You might want to get the book too.

[Protec]

Yes it is different. But you have to get past this somehow and there is only one way to do it. Make the list!

 

Force yourself towards that conversation. Sometimes we can fool our minds for a short time by doing the things we do not feel at the moment. Remember also what sooshi said: it is good to focus on the good you have in you.

 

The problem is i hardly find anything good about myself at the moment. I need to stop making excuses and call the darn doctor. I need professional help. I don't feel better at all. It's been 3 weeks already and no improvement at all.

 

At times i feel better. I try. I listen music, i try to smile in front of mirror.

And i even saw a beautiful woman while i was on a walk yesterday i was "wow. So beautiful woman do exist....but they are not like her."

 

It was her mind. I was attracted to her mind. Outlooks alone is meaningless.

 

I hope she is feeling like this too. Most likely not because all she remembers is me getting angry at her.

[Blanco]

OK, reality check time...

 

I need to stop making excuses and call the darn doctor. I need professional help.

 

Then freaking call. Today. Make that the one thing you do today if you do nothing else. It's the middle of the night over here, but Google tells me it's early morning where you are. You have the entire day to do this one task. You keep doing this, "I need to / I have to" thing. It's all blustery talk. Just DO it.

 

And i even saw a beautiful woman while i was on a walk yesterday i was "wow. So beautiful woman do exist....but they are not like her."

 

That's a GOOD thing. She sounds like an absolute mess of a person. You shouldn't be pursuing any woman right now, but when you fix yourself, you shouldn't be pursuing anyone like your ex.

 

It was her mind. I was attracted to her mind. Outlooks alone is meaningless.

 

Oh, nonsense. You had thread early in the relationship about how she didn't seem to have any interests outside of her children, which is funny, given how she was apparently at risk of losing them.

 

I hope she is feeling like this too. Most likely not because all she remembers is me getting angry at her

 

Nope, she's not feeling like this. You seem resistant to stop filtering out all of her bad qualities, whereas she seemed all too eager to dwell on yours (real or imagined).

 

Call a doctor. Today.

[Protec]

Blanco, yes , she was a mess. But she had some good qualities in her. And one of those good qualites in her was that we were able to talk about anything, almost at least. I never had to pretend in front of her. That's what i meant.

 

I don't she meant to hurt me on purpose. "oh that guy is so stupid! I'm gonna cheat on him to hurt him!". I don't think she wanted...maybe she really just was that ill that she cannot contol herself at all. Anyway.

 

But i was at the job interview today. It did not go as i hoped but i tried my best...unfortunately this whole thing affects my ability to deal with people. I really tried. I even throw a joke in the mix in the interview.

 

My self-esteem is a mess. I just need to see that i am a good guy. I can do things if i just want to.

 

I thought about all the things i have managed to achieve by myself. It's not much...but even today, i was at a job interview. It's SOMETHING, and you know what? I did it ALONE.

 

I managed to release a 2nd track - WORLDWIDE. That is something! And i dit it ALONE. (i mean the track, not the releasing part)

 

I managed to train myself few years ago and run cooper test in 12 minutes...haha, almost 3 kilometres in 12 minutes. That was good considering from where i started. I did that ALONE.

 

I faced my fears and started boxing, i enjoyed it! i did it ALONE.

 

I CAN DO THINGS ALONE DARNIT!!!!

[Protec]

Protec listen to/watch

it's phenomenal! This guy is brilliant, and legit (not a "relationship guru" he has actual psychology background) . My therapist has touched on some of the things he touches on. You might want to get the book too.

 

I watched the video. Great stuff. Also watched other videos by him. Awesome stuff. I am people pleaser :/

Edited August 3, 2016 by Protec

[MidwestUSA]

Have you called the doctor?

[sooshi]

I watched the video. Great stuff. Also watched other videos by him. Awesome stuff. I am people pleaser :/

 

It's time to do something to please yourself, and that looks like getting in touch with someone who can help you.

 

Good job with the interview. It's not how it went that matters so much as that you went and did it even when you weren't feeling well.

 

Take care.

[Protec]

Another night filled with dreams about my ex. Even the one before this one.

 

Again i am thinking about contacting her. I still feel awful about how i acted towards her.

 

They say actions speak louder than words. Her actions sometimes showed me that she cared about me but sometimes the other.

 

She was always so kind to make me lunch for my work. I think at one point she wanted me to move in with her. But only after few months of knowing each other...?

 

And now i would be without home, without any furniture etc. because i would had to sell everything because my stuff would not have fitted her apartment. So actually i am glad i did not do it.

 

But i still would like to write her a letter or something. I just woke up and this is the first thing that rolls in my mind.

 

And i still blame myself sometimes for breaking up. If i had done something differently maybe she would not have cheated? I don't think so. I never did anything to deserve to be cheated.

 

She was just that ill. And she blamed me for making her condition worse and i blame myself for that. Part of me knows it's not true, but part of me also thinks it's true.

 

I miss the passion betweeen us. I am afraid i never meet a woman with such passion again...but apparently she seemed to have passion towards others as well.

[Blanco]

Just pretend she's a doctor since it's clear you have no problem not contacting them.

[Itspointless]

But i still would like to write her a letter or something. I just woke up and this is the first thing that rolls in my mind.

She is your shot of heroin and that that is not going to make it better, only the initial kick and then the cycle starts again. I am certain she knows why you did what you did.

[Protec]

She is your shot of heroin and that that is not going to make it better, only the initial kick and then the cycle starts again. I am certain she knows why you did what you did.

 

Yeah, i guess she knows.

 

Well. At least my apartment is clean. Spent 5 hours cleaning... I guess i should clean my apartment more often.

 

And while i was cleaning i suddenly burst into tears. There i was, adult man, 32 years old, on his knees on kicthen floor having a wet rag in his hand, crying so hard that my eyes hurt.

 

I am broken from inside.

[Blanco]

And yet, you will not seek help.

[Haydn]

Yeah, i guess she knows.

 

Well. At least my apartment is clean. Spent 5 hours cleaning... I guess i should clean my apartment more often.

 

And while i was cleaning i suddenly burst into tears. There i was, adult man, 32 years old, on his knees on kicthen floor having a wet rag in his hand, crying so hard that my eyes hurt.

 

I am broken from inside.

 

Read my first post when i joined LS.

 

You must seek help.

 

Whatever shape or form that takes Protec.

[ExpatInItaly]

And yet, you will not seek help.

 

Exactly. You're not equipped to handle this on your own, Protec.

 

Seek professional help or expect more of the same.

[Protec]

Well...i feel better now. I put some old crappy speakers i had so now i can listen music in my living room. My main speakers use too much power so i don't want to use them for just music listening and they are in other room so...

 

But i feel better now. I went running and it made me feel good. Also it helped that the pretty cashier was at work. She always says "Hi :)" so happily.

 

I bought myself some chips...and i am going to watch a movie now.

 

I will get help. I need to stabilize myself first.

 

I am overly emotional guy it seems. i take breakups so badly. I cannot take losses.

 

And maybe that's why i cried today. As i cleaned the apartment i ran into some stuff my ex-ex has left here and then this current situation so i started to feel sad "why everybody leaves me...?" And then i started to feel bad how i treated my other ex :/

 

Things are overlapping at the moment badly.

 

Even the parfume i bought from cruiseboat triggers a memory. It's a good memory yes, but i always become sad after it. I had so much fun with her in that cruiseboat....

 

I remember some people saying "Never let that woman go!"

 

I still think i ****ed up this whole thing. I have no idea anymore. At least i could have done things differently. Too late now.

[Blanco]

You aren't capable of stabilizing yourself, which is precisely why you need to seek help. Stop being so stubborn and thick-headed.

[sooshi]

Protec, the point of getting help is to help you get stabilized (and healed!). It's not the other way around.

 

A pretty girl saying hi to you, and eating some chips and watching a movie, and having speakers in a room isn't real healing. If anything, they're momentary distractions to prevent you from doing the real work.

 

Take care.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You cried because you needed a release, the pain will come and go for a while Protec. This past week I had big cry in the middle of the day and then it passed. You are bottling up a lot more than you realize.

 

Crying is good, it's very good. And now that you are old enough to understand things, crying really has no gender despite how we are conditioned from a young age.

 

I'm just curious why you keep ignoring Blanco's and others' recommendation to call a doc? And you don't have to answer this here publicly. It is a money thing? I know therapy can be very expensive, in my country you pretty much have to pay privately though we have public healthcare for everything else.

Because aside from that I cannot understand what is holding you back?

Edited August 4, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Protec]

You cried because you needed a release, the pain will come and go for a while Protec. This past week I had big cry in the middle of the day and then it passed. You are bottling up a lot more than you realize.

 

Crying is good, it's very good. And now that you are old enough to understand things, crying really has no gender despite how we are conditioned from a young age.

 

I'm just curious why you keep ignoring Blanco's and others' recommendation to call a doc? And you don't have to answer this here publicly. It is a money thing? I know therapy can be very expensive, in my country you pretty much have to pay privately though we have public healthcare for everything else.

Because aside from that I cannot understand what is holding you back?

 

It's a money thing...but my sister promised to pay the bill. But i am ashamed because my sister has helped me financially so much already. I cannot alone pay for it. And to get proper help you need to meet doctor at least about 10 times. 1 time doesn't fix me. SO it will be around 1000 euros. That is huge amount of money.

 

I will call doctor next week. I don't want to go to doctor crying (literally) etc. i don't want to end up on pills.

 

SInce i know this is just because i miss her and my mind is playing tricks. I am simply in pain atm. I lost a person i cared a lot and her kids. Yes, they were not my kids but i got attached to them as well.

 

And again i saw dreams i was at her place. This time i saw a dream i got back together with my ex.

 

STill i am thinking why she did it...why did she let her kid get me a gift? She gave the money to her son so he could buy me that batman-keychain.

 

We talked all about our childhood on that day (amusement park day), she told me about her teenage years and where she has lived etc. never before she has told me those things.

 

I felt we became closer because of that amusement park trip. It really messed me up.

 

It was like winning in a lottery and then after you've already bought that million dollar house you get notified "oh oh sorry the lottery ticket was wrong. No money for you".

 

This is not easy for me...calling a psychiatrist, i have never done anything like that before.

 

But please don't forget that i am already seeing that Psych. Nurse. That is something, and it is helping. I have next appointment with her in few weeks.

 

I don't know if pills would help me but i am pretty much against all pills unless they find BIpolar / BPD or something else in me. Because i have pretty bad experiences with those pills...Sure they balanced me out, but also took every emotion from me as well. I didn't feel happy, not sad, i just was. It took out all my creativity so i was unable to even make music. I simply had my brain at "stall". Sex was impossible (no feeling whatsoever down there). Also the horrible night sweat attacks. Bed was literally soaking wet from my sweat. My GF back then didn't like much sleeping next to me then.

 

So i ended up using them quite quickly, because i rather be unstable and feel the joys and sorrows of life than be an emotionless pile of flesh that could not even smile when my GF kissed me.

 

At the moment i am quite balanced. Sure i suddenly get very sad...sometimes very angry. But it's getting slower.

 

But i WILL call the doctor. I am not leaving it like this. I have already gotten myself to the psych. nurse which was very big step for me and i felt so relieved when i did it. It was the first time i addmitted there is something wrong with me.

 

But i admit i had more fun with her than being alone. Again weekend is coming and i have NOTHING to do. I am low on money so even if i had some friends to go out with, i would not have the money to go out. Well i was out with my friends just week ago. So i do have friends.

 

But when i think about it? What do i get if i go to nightclub? I know i won't dance alone and at the moment crowded places me feel bad and i know i don't want to meet any women now.

 

I need a new hobby.

 

Thanks and have a nice weekend.

[keiji]

I don't know anyone that has achieved anything in 10 therapy sessions, Protec. You shouldn't feel ashamed to ask for financial help. It's your mental health, perhaps the most important of all. But keep in mind that it's a long process. I'm sure your sister will pay for it gladly.

[Itspointless]

I don't know anyone that has achieved anything in 10 therapy sessions, Protec. You shouldn't feel ashamed to ask for financial help. It's your mental health, perhaps the most important of all. But keep in mind that it's a long process. I'm sure your sister will pay for it gladly.

I know an avoidant guy who thinks that eight sessions have cured him. He got some insights which is awesome but knowing something often is not enough. I tried to gently mention that it takes more, but he got irritated with me: NO I AM BETTER NOW. Yeah right. Nevertheless 10 sessions could be a good start! and yes Protec, it is really good of you that you made the step to go to that nurse. See it as your first steps to better. But you need to take more steps.

 

Perhaps there are psychic associations where you are who offer good counseling for people who do earn not that much?

[Protec]

I know an avoidant guy who thinks that eight sessions have cured him. He got some insights which is awesome but knowing something often is not enough. I tried to gently mention that it takes more, but he got irritated with me: NO I AM BETTER NOW. Yeah right. Nevertheless 10 sessions could be a good start! and yes Protec, it is really good of you that you made the step to go to that nurse. See it as your first steps to better. But you need to take more steps.

 

Perhaps there are psychic associations where you are who offer good counseling for people who do earn not that much?

 

Almost everything costs...those free sessions are only for few times only. Most likely as critical help.

 

I just want to get my self esteem back. Almost all my problems are rooted there. Bad self-esteem affects to so many things. Basically my problem is that i am too kind.

 

I had much better self esteem few years ago...but all these trouble with women have lowered it.

 

But now, i put my sauna on (electric). And i am going to take a hot sauna and i have a drink in the freezer! Gonna relaaaax.

 

Also i was running again It's almost become a habit now. I have to go running / walking.

 

Also got lucky in gambling. I won 70 euros. woo