So it happened. GF with Bipolar cheated and left me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, we see where i get directed.

 

And about this No Contact rule? It just doesnt work with me. It feels too forced.

 

I found a good quote:

 

"What if we’re using the no contact rule to get over someone, to create distance and give us time to heal?

 

Unless we spoke our truth during the relationship and are at peace with ourselves, implementing a no contact rule will make us feel bad. We’ll feel worse.

 

Any rule we create, which causes anxiety within us, shifts the focus from moving forward to staying stuck right in resistance, not acceptance "

 

That is what i feel. I was not at peace with myself. Now that i know she is not angry at me, i feel more at peace. And i definitely felt bad every time i tried to do the no contact. It just doesn't work with me.

 

How can you know if No Contact won't work if you've never been in No Contact? I'm sorry, this is intellectually dishonest.

[Blanco]

Protec, you explicitly said you are addicted to this woman. To describe your behavior in recent months and then have the gall to pretend you are in control of the situation just because you texted her and know she's not angry with you is as bull-headed as insisting that the sky is blood orange.

 

I'll put real money down that virtually every person who has participated in this thread has been through a horrible breakup of a relationship that was longer and much healthier than this one. It's likely that none of them really wanted to go through the experience and cut ties with someone who had been close to them. But even the most stubborn of these people eventually accepted reality and did what was necessary to avoid throwing away their lives or punching their ticket to a padded room.

 

So stop with the excessively long posts with paragraphs of speculative garbage about what she might be doing or thinking. You are more damaged than she is, and it's time to stop being a man child and pretending that this woman somehow has the capability or responsibility to make you a functional adult.

[frigginlost]

So stop with the excessively long posts with paragraphs of speculative garbage about what she might be doing or thinking. You are more damaged than she is, and it's time to stop being a man child and pretending that this woman somehow has the capability or responsibility to make you a functional adult.

 

That right there is without a doubt an incredibly accurate statement.

 

We have all been though it, and we all know folks who have. But in my half century walking the face of this earth, I have never in my life run across someone so keen on sticking their head that far in the sand only to come up for air and blame the sand for his inability to breathe.

 

[]

Edited June 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility and respect violation ~6

[Protec]

That right there is without a doubt an incredibly accurate statement.

 

We have all been though it, and we all know folks who have. But in my half century walking the face of this earth, I have never in my life run across someone so keen on sticking their head that far in the sand only to come up for air and blame the sand for his inability to breathe.

 

[]

 

[] Anyway, i am feeling bit better. Yesterday i was at beach with my friend. No swimming etc. we just walked and talked. It was relaxing.

 

I try to do it slowly...clearly I cannot do the NC. But still it's not like i send her 20 messages per day, no. Today i haven't sent any messages.. I still feel like i just need a huge fight with her so NC will be easier to pull off. And honestly, i've never experienced this way after a breakup. Even when my 1st GF dumped me after 2,5 years i didn't act like this.

I have dealed with many breakups in my life, this is number 6, but for some reason this is the worst one.

 

But now that i remember all my ex's said at one point "please don't contact me anymore". My current ex hasn't said anything like that. I have never broken up in a friendly manner. It has always been a yellfest, calling names both sides, arguing, crying etc. it has been a real mess but usually i've been so angry after breakup i did not even want to contact them.

 

Now, i don't feel anger towards her, i am not pissed at her, i simply feel nice things. So there is definitely some error in my brain right now. I know she has said ****ty things, she has hurt me, but i have no idea why i cannot be mad at her. I think i really need the ultimate execution from her "Sorry, i met a new guy so could you please not contact me anymore?"

 

But at least my heart is better now. I had so bad anxiety that i had 4 days of irregular rhythm problems with my heart.

 

And now i am going to take a relaxing walk at the beach. I Have a nice day people! I am sure trying to have a nice day, alone, no matter what is going on in my life.

 

I really have to re-learn to be what i used to be, before all this mess. I need to find my old self again.

Edited June 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote and response to civility and respect violation ~6

[frigginlost]

[] Anyway, i am feeling bit better. Yesterday i was at beach with my friend. No swimming etc. we just walked and talked. It was relaxing.

 

As we all have stated many times, this feeling of "relaxing" is going to end and you're going to go looking for the crack pipe again to get your fix. If you truly want to heal (and for the millionth time) do not contact her.

 

I try to do it slowly...clearly I cannot do the NC. But still it's not like i send her 20 messages per day, no. Today i haven't sent any messages.. I still feel like i just need a huge fight with her so NC will be easier to pull off. And honestly, i've never experienced this way after a breakup. Even when my 1st GF dumped me after 2,5 years i didn't act like this.

I have dealed with many breakups in my life, this is number 6, but for some reason this is the worst one.

You cannot do NC, because you truly have never given yourself half a chance. The moment you need a hit off the pipe, you go looking for it. Look, I am one of the very, very, few on these boards that believe in LC in order to wean off someone. But, you have got to be one incredibly strong individual and dealing with someone who is not abusive. You simply do not have the fortitude to go that route.

 

But now that i remember all my ex's said at one point "please don't contact me anymore". My current ex hasn't said anything like that. I have never broken up in a friendly manner. It has always been a yellfest, calling names both sides, arguing, crying etc. it has been a real mess but usually i've been so angry after breakup i did not even want to contact them.

Her not telling you to not contact her can be due to a multitude of reasons, but you have to take into account all other actions on her part to reach a conclusion on why. She has shown time and time again, that she is "allowing" you to contact her to feed her ego and nothing more. She is being emotionally abusive toward you and your only "out" is to cut her off. Forever.

 

Now, i don't feel anger towards her, i am not pissed at her, i simply feel nice things. So there is definitely some error in my brain right now. I know she has said ****ty things, she has hurt me, but i have no idea why i cannot be mad at her. I think i really need the ultimate execution from her "Sorry, i met a new guy so could you please not contact me anymore?"

It is normal for a brain to remember "the good" after a loss. It's part of the processing it needs to do. I look back on my current ex and think of all the great things and she was a total b*tch, to me. You can drop thinking about her telling you about another guy, because she never will. Want to know why? You should already know the answer to that...

 

But at least my heart is better now. I had so bad anxiety that i had 4 days of irregular rhythm problems with my heart.

No, you're heart is not better. The hit off the pipe stopped the anxiety. It's going to return.

 

I really have to re-learn to be what i used to be, before all this mess. I need to find my old self again.

You need to realize you're a man... Edited June 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote clean up ~6

[Blanco]

I still feel like i just need a huge fight with her so NC will be easier to pull off.

 

This can be interpreted to mean that you're not really done with her. Not that any of us thought otherwise, but yet again, you're only putting off what needs to be the inevitable if you want to have any hope of a functional relationship with a woman.

[Zahara]

I still feel like i just need a huge fight with her so NC will be easier to pull off.

 

So cheating on you was not enough to pull off NC. Emasculating and degrading you was not enough to pull off NC. What it takes is a really huge fight? Hmm...

 

It's unfortunate that the only way for you to do the right thing for yourself is to continually endure rejection and ill-treatment.

[Simon Phoenix]

If you invested the amount of energy into your recovery than you do in trying to convince the world that No Contact doesn't work for you (though you haven't actually tried it) then you'd be well on your way. Unfortunately, you'd rather just bumble around incoherently.

[Protec]

I feel better today. I went to beach, had some sun, and read a book there.

I feel good. Much better. I am little by little feeling better.

 

I am starting to get my old thoughts back and see that i am actually a decent guy, no matter what she said. I like what i see from the mirror and i am working to like myself even more. I try to do at least 1 thing every day to improve myself.

 

No matter if it's physical, mental, cooking, making music etc. I try to improve myself in some way every day.

 

But tomorrow maybe worse again, i don't know but basically: I have nothing to lose. I only have things to gain. I cannot let one woman drag me down. Her loss, not mine.

I tried, i was a good guy even though i made some mistakes. If she doesn't want me, there is nothing i can do.

 

All i can do now is to continue my life. I am not saying i am over her, but i am starting to feel bit better about myself.

 

I just need to go out more. Not clubbing, but just go outside. I really don't like clubs...

Right now i have a very positive attitude and i hope this stays.

 

It could be they find something from my head...i mean i feel completely different than few days ago ( i was seriously depressed and had very dark thoughts about life).

That is quite racidal change in mood in a short time.

[Protec]

This can be interpreted to mean that you're not really done with her. Not that any of us thought otherwise, but yet again, you're only putting off what needs to be the inevitable if you want to have any hope of a functional relationship with a woman.

 

You are right. This whole thing still feels somehow unfinished. I don't know why. But somehow i cannot take her words seriously anymore. When my other ex dumped me, I KNEW it was over.

 

But this woman, she dumped me via text message originally. And during the 6 months time i've heard "i love you / i love you not" so many times.

 

So maybe that is why i am having hard time to accept it. I mean if someone yells "fire!! Fire!!" and most of the time there is no fire, you stop believing there is fire. Well, maybe this time there is fire and i just should believe that the bridge burned and there is no going back.

[Jam005]

I've just read all of this and wow.

 

Protec, you've been given so much good advice, heck Im going through a breakup and reading some of this advice has helped me indirectly.

 

You're not the only one going through this and there are endless opportunities out there for you.

 

I really do hope that one day you wake up and something in you clicks. You'll have a happy life and look back on this and say "what was I thinking?"

 

I hope all is well and you keep yourself busy and go NC, you will come out the other side..

[Protec]

Just received pictures from my ex. They were not ego boost pictures. But pics of her from the camping they had with her kids. Also she complained about how cold she had at night when camping and told she is back at home.

 

So obviously she thinks something. I don't think she sends those with evil intentions at all. Maybe she just thinks of me as her friend.

 

I will keep myself busy, and keep it low. I still hope i could keep her as a friend someday. We really did have fun together.

 

I dunno. I will live day by day and try not think about it too much.

 

I will say this: I would like to keep her in my life. But now i am struggling if it's possible at all.

[DKT3]

Just received pictures from my ex. They were not ego boost pictures. But pics of her from the camping they had with her kids. Also she complained about how cold she had at night when camping and told she is back at home.

 

So obviously she thinks something. I don't think she sends those with evil intentions at all. Maybe she just thinks of me as her friend.

 

I will keep myself busy, and keep it low. I still hope i could keep her as a friend someday. We really did have fun together.

 

I dunno. I will live day by day and try not think about it too much.

 

I will say this: I would like to keep her in my life. But now i am struggling if it's possible at all.

 

Wait, she sent you pictures of her hanging out with another dude?

 

Come on man

[Protec]

Wait, she sent you pictures of her hanging out with another dude?

 

Come on man

 

No. No. Nothing like that. The pictures were from the area she was camping with her kids. One picture showed her lighting up a campfire, one picture was her walking a path with her kid etc. Nothing about other guy.

 

She was there with her old friend who also has a kid.

[Protec]

Weekend has arrived again.

 

I feel somehow strange because i have never enjoyed night clubs etc. Too damn loud there even to talk with anyone, even with friends. I always remember when one woman asked me "Is there something wrong with you because you don't like clubs?". Well... Why would i go to place where there is ****ty music, lots of noise, crowded and you barely can even hear your own thoughts? And i should even pay for that. No thanks.

With friends or GF i could go. But alone? No way.

 

why i compare myself to her all the time? All i now think is "well it's weekend again and she is going for man hunt". I am actually jealous a bit.

 

It's so unfair she can have a man just with a snap of her finger, hell she even managed to cheat on me. I wouldn't even be able to cheat on anyone because i have some sort of anti-woman magnet in me. It has always been very hard for me even to get a date.

 

But after dating woman like her, i mean outlook wise i should not have any self-esteem issues. She was that gorgeous. Absolute perfection in every way, physically speaking.

 

Still i feel unsecure about myself...why? Even me ex thought i was hot and attractive man (if she ever told the truth). I have never disliked my outlook.

 

I think the only way to improve my self-esteem is therapy. I like my self physically, but for some reason still my self-esteem fluxuates a lot.

 

Somedays i feel like i could give a speech in front of crowd, somedays i have problems looking even the cashiers eyes. It changes a lot depending how i feel.

 

I really hope they don't find any mental illnesses from me... When i was younger i used to have these "euphoria" days. I was euphoric, everything was perfect and suddenly life felt awesome, yet nothing in life had changed. But as i have grown older i've noticed that i don't get those euphoric feelings that much anymore. I kinda miss that feeling. I was happy, smiling, everything was fine.

 

But back then i didn't drink so much alcohol...

[Protec]

Called my ex. She answered almost immeaditely sounding happy. "So...what you had in mind? :)" But she was driving a car so i didn't want to talk with her.

 

They were probably going to medieval market that is held this weekend. I forgot the whole thing... :/

[Simon Phoenix]

Dumb dumb dumb.

[Protec]

I called her later on, we talked for 10 minutes. She was vey evasive about her weekend plans. "i am busy for the weekend" and i asked her about next week "i am busy the whole weeks".

 

"Just say to me if you are dating someone else so i don't bother you anymore". She said nothing. "well it would be fun to go play tennis / frisbee golf next week"

 

Why cannot i hate her?

[Jam005]

Dude, just stop talking to her. You're filling her ego even more. My girlfriend of 3 years left me a month ago and I haven't talked to her or seen her since then.

 

Yes I wish things could of worked out and yes I still miss and love the girl, but it gets to a point where it is out of your control. They made the decision to leave and you can't change that. I know your situation is a little different, but YOU have to stop talking to her.

 

I know how you feel when you can't stop thinking about her and you can't hate her, but I don't know how many times people have to say it. Do not contact her anymore.

[peonyrose]

Protec, I have been reading your thread on and off, and I really felt mixed emotions. I feel for you, I really do, and I even thought some people who commented on it, were cruel in things they said.

 

I have wanted to comment before now but because I feel you need more than just another stranger leaving more advise, you probably won't listen to, I didn't.

 

But....

 

Look protec, I think you need to go and reach out to someone you really trust, let them in on this breakup and how you have been coping with it. Really open up, hold nothing back, tell them how hard you're finding it, tell them that you are still contacting this woman, that you are obsessing about her. Really open up, let it all out and not just here but to a friend, a family member, work colleague, a person you really feel you can trust. You need to find a way to move on, a healthy way. You need help with this, your not coping, you need to reach out to someone you know in person.

 

Please do this.

[Protec]

Protec, I have been reading your thread on and off, and I really felt mixed emotions. I feel for you, I really do, and I even thought some people who commented on it, were cruel in things they said.

 

I have wanted to comment before now but because I feel you need more than just another stranger leaving more advise, you probably won't listen to, I didn't.

 

But....

 

Look protec, I think you need to go and reach out to someone you really trust, let them in on this breakup and how you have been coping with it. Really open up, hold nothing back, tell them how hard you're finding it, tell them that you are still contacting this woman, that you are obsessing about her. Really open up, let it all out and not just here but to a friend, a family member, work colleague, a person you really feel you can trust. You need to find a way to move on, a healthy way. You need help with this, your not coping, you need to reach out to someone you know in person.

 

Please do this.

 

I've been talking to my sister and my friends. They all say the same thing "leave her alone". I cant do it. I am obsessed about her.

 

I am having serious issues with this. I am having paranoid (suspicious) thoughts, that comes from trust issues. And i even had such thoughts when i dated her. When she wanted to go party alone my mind came up with some serious theories...usually wrong. I cannot blame her for that. It's my brain that works overtime. I have trust issues. Trust issues lead to paranoid thinking...paranoid thinking leads to blaming, blaming leads to fighting...

 

Also i have Over Compulsive Disorder. Everything has to be in order. And that problem is only at my home. I feel so relaxed when someone elses apartment is a mess. But i have everything in order. Always. But i just like things to be in order.... But it's a problem. I remember when i was a teen and i came home from school "Has someone touched the TV?" then my mother replied "yes i vacuumed today so i moved it". And then i spent several minutes to put the TV back into EXACT same position.

 

That is definitely a problem. But it's only at my home.

 

So i have at least Codependency and OCD issues.

 

I mean I STALKED my ex. It happened about a week after breakup. I was visiting my father, he lives nearby my ex, so when i left my fathers place i decided that i could drop by my ex's house. So i went behind her door unnoticed and she was not at home. I called her and she said she was in a store. I told "i would like to talk to you, can i come visit?" She said no. But i was already there...so i waited.

 

That is some stupid **** i've been pulling off. Downright scary. I don't like it.

But i cannot handle these situations. I don't know any better. I wanted to talk with her...and i will explode if i cannot. That was little bit after the breakup.

 

I need some serious help with these. I don't normally pop up in peoples houses unnoticed. But breakups mess me up completely. This is not the first time i've done something like that.

 

With my 1st and 2nd GF's i also pulled something like that off. Me and my 1st GF got into a fight, she did not respond her phone. What did i do? Well, i drove 1 hour in the middle of the night to her place. I scared the living **** out of her...and that was over 10 years ago.

 

with my 2nd GF when she dumped me. I found out that she was home and wanted to talk with her? What did i do? Drove at her house and knocked on the window...She did not come out.

 

I just panic. I panic and act out of desperation. "I need to talk right now...what to do what to do? OH! I know where she lives! I go visit her and we will talk!" I don't care about all the other persons needs at that moment. I just think about myself. And that is a problems.

 

I know i wouldn't like ex GF behind my door in the middle of the night. I would find that very strange and scary. .

 

In my head i think "I just want to talk with her. Figure this thing out. I love her". But the other person just sees me as mentally instable nutcase. I just have so bad feeling inside, and cant find any other way to deal with the pain in me, so i have popped up unnoticed.

 

When i am normally dating i don't drive up anyones house in the middle of the night. But in crisis situations (breakups, fights where GF doesn't reply anymore etc.) i overreact badly and cannot think straight.

That is no way to deal with problems. But i just don't know how to cool myself down.

 

Just like few weeks ago my ex sent me message she had bad panic attack and could not breat. I asked her if she was ok. No respond. In my mind i saw a image where she was suffocating etc. I got worried, afraid that "what if she actually is suffocating and there is no one to help her...."

 

So again i jumped in a car and went to check if she was ok. Basically a nice thing to do, but again: overreacting.

 

I just want to balance out my overreactions. I need to work on my codependency issues and OCD and learn a way to handle anxiety and emotions better in situations like this.

 

I don't want to be the guy that everyone remembers as "yeah my ex was complete nutcase. After i dumpep him, he started stalking me and popping up unnoticed. What a freak!!!"

 

It hurts so much when i think the stupid things i have done. I have a good heart and i just loved them so much...

 

But i am happy i finally(!!!) start to see my own issues. 99% of the time i am completely normal guy. But breakup situations etc. mess me up badly.

Anxiety, desperation, emotions...i cannot handle those well at all.

 

But i haven't done that "popping unnoticed" with every GF. When my 3rd dumped me, she explained everything and asked me not to contact her anymore. She handled it like an adult so i responded back like an adult and left her alone.

 

Also my 4th GF, she dumped me but not once i was behind her door wanting to solve things. She was not worth it. She left me, i was heartbroken but soon i realized it was for the best (i told her we should break up week before), so i let her be. Of course i was heartbroken but no calling, no begging, no asking to meet up, nothing. Only thing that made it hard was that my friends started hanging out with her instead of me...some good friends there.

 

But it seems to be related how much i cared about them.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Protec

[Protec]

Should i ask from my ex why she cheated me? She always just blamed her sickness, but still think its a lame excuse. It bothers me a lot if i did something that caused her to cheat... She just said she was so depressed about everything and nothing mattered.

 

How do you people handle lonelyness? Again it's a perfect summer day and i have no one to spend the day with. How do you handle it?

[Zahara]

Should i ask from my ex why she cheated me? She always just blamed her sickness, but still think its a lame excuse. It bothers me a lot if i did something that caused her to cheat... She just said she was so depressed about everything and nothing mattered.

 

How do you people handle lonelyness? Again it's a perfect summer day and i have no one to spend the day with. How do you handle it?

 

1. There is never an excuse or reason to cheat. Nothing justifies infidelity.

 

2. Loneliness is a feeling of sadness/depression, a sense of being incomplete, a need for another to fulfill your life and without this it translates to feelings of emptiness. A dependency on others to complete you.

 

Aloneness is the ability to feel complete without needing others. Independence. There is no need for anyone to fulfill your life because you are content - you are enough. The ability to enjoy life even when alone.

 

You don't handle loneliness, you overcome it. Loneliness -- you are depressed and in pain. You have very low self-esteem, you are co-dependent, you have a fear of abandonment, etc.

 

Until you get out of this situation and truly heal from this, invest in doing the hard work with diligent counselling, and be proactive in your own healing and growth, you will always struggle and cycle through your issues of unworthiness and dependency.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Zahara

[peonyrose]

Should i ask from my ex why she cheated me? She always just blamed her sickness, but still think its a lame excuse. It bothers me a lot if i did something that caused her to cheat... She just said she was so depressed about everything and nothing mattered.

 

How do you people handle lonelyness? Again it's a perfect summer day and i have no one to spend the day with. How do you handle it?

 

Protec, NO don't ask your ex anything, do not contact her at all. This has to stop. Do you want it to get to a stage where, police might even start getting involved, this woman has children protect, you need to stay away if only for their sakes! This is not the woman for YOU, only by letting this go will you be free to meet someone who is RIGHT for you. She does not treat you good, she is playing games. She may even feel sorry for you, and giving you feedback because of that. Please, reach out to a professional, go to family, explain you need some money to get a session with a therapists. You have to get out of this place your in, you are consumed by thoughts. It is not good for your mental or overall health.

Edited July 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Quote formatting ~6

[Protec]

I am no threat to her. I would never hurt her. She even told me some nice things about me when I last saw her. But also evil things...

 

What kind of person says straight to someones face "it would be refreshing to **** someone else for a change"... After she had cheated and broken up...she tells that to my face its like she wants me to go berserk. I won't.