So it happened. GF with Bipolar cheated and left me.

[Protec]

I noticed that i have constant need to be with someone... i wonder when i became like this :/

[Emilia]

I noticed that i have constant need to be with someone... i wonder when i became like this :/

I think perhaps you need to learn how to channel your emotional needs in a more constructive way. Whether to volunteer, for example.

[Blanco]

Yeah i constantly want to send her that i miss her. And i do. I don't miss the pain though... Well she was the pain. And wasn't.

 

Again i dreamed about her the whole night :/ Woke up and felt terrible

 

NC is still holding. OVer week now. Yey.

 

BUT GOD i miss her...

 

This is exactly why you should block her number. You're exceptionally vulnerable right now. Not reaching out to her is difficult enough for you; highly doubtful you'd be able to resist responding to a message from her at this point. And that's understandable. But that's why she needs to be blocked.

 

Not blocking her is like someone trying to quit smoking who doesn't rid their house of all cigarettes. Instead, they stash them away somewhere and rely simply on will power. It's admirable they're trying to break the habit, but they could make the process a lot easier if they knew temptation wasn't right around the corner.

[Blanco]

I think perhaps you need to learn how to channel your emotional needs in a more constructive way. Whether to volunteer, for example.

 

I agree with this.

 

Reading your posts, Protec, it seems like what you're really craving is the human connection. You don't seem to get this from friends or family, so you default to thinking you need a girlfriend to fulfill this basic emotional need.

 

But in thinking that way, you're discounting the reality that this emotional need can be fulfilled through acts of charity or volunteering. And these people are generally going to be so grateful for your time and consideration. I think, quite honestly, you could use a good dose of something like that in your life instead of relying on damaged women to provide that validation.

[Protec]

I agree with this.

 

Reading your posts, Protec, it seems like what you're really craving is the human connection. You don't seem to get this from friends or family, so you default to thinking you need a girlfriend to fulfill this basic emotional need.

 

But in thinking that way, you're discounting the reality that this emotional need can be fulfilled through acts of charity or volunteering. And these people are generally going to be so grateful for your time and consideration. I think, quite honestly, you could use a good dose of something like that in your life instead of relying on damaged women to provide that validation.

 

Good thinking, really! Volunteer work...hmm. That could be something.

I need to look it up

 

But volunteer work won't fix every problem in me....i need to spend some time to find myself a good therapist / psychiatrist. Need to really improve myself, and it's something i cannot do alone.

 

Now that i really gave a thought about it, these self-esteem issues, anger issues, etc. have been with me since teenage years. I have shifting self-esteem. Sometimes i feel awesome and i can do anything, some days i feel like the biggest loser.

 

Thank you for good response

 

I will hold the NC. Even if i delete her number, it's very easy to get her number back from number service. But you are right. I wonder if i could say "no" to her if she would contact me...

 

But i have a guess she will not contact me anymore. She said it herself "it's best that we part ways". Well...it didn't hold before for her (xmas), but i really put on a show last time....

[Blanco]

It doesn't matter if you think she won't contact you again. Take the risk completely out of the picture so that even if she were to contact you again, you wouldn't know. Trust me on this. It clears an incredible amount of mental space to take out the possibility of even hearing from her again. I guarantee that even if you don't think she'll contact you again, there's part of you that is expecting it each day.

[Simon Phoenix]

The amount of time you spend doing mental gymnastics to justify not blocking her is mind-boggling. If you just blocked her and spent that time constructively, you'd be amazed at the progress you're making. While you aren't doing it as badly as before, you are still trying to sabotage your own recovery for no real reason.

[Protec]

What can i do about the thoughts i have about her? I am constantly feeling that i will never meet anyone with such connection. Apprarently the connection was pretty one sided...no matter what she said. But it still felt great to me. ¨

 

I have never had feeling like that. I know i have felt strongly about my other ex's. But this was completely different.

 

Well..maybe it will go over with time...

[Itspointless]

What can i do about the thoughts i have about her? I am constantly feeling that i will never meet anyone with such connection. Apprarently the connection was pretty one sided...no matter what she said. But it still felt great to me. ¨

 

I have never had feeling like that. I know i have felt strongly about my other ex's. But this was completely different.

 

Well..maybe it will go over with time...

Yes time! But it can take a loooong time. Therefor you need follow the suggestions posted above.

[Protec]

Yes time! But it can take a loooong time. Therefor you need follow the suggestions posted above.

 

I couldn't sleep again. I just see dreams of her every night. It's the most beautiful summer day and i cannot enjoy it because again i am feeling like crap.

 

I have these weird ideas of going behind her door with flowers.

Why? I have no idea. I feel all the time that i am the bad person here. I feel it was my fault we broke up.

 

This is horrible. Deep inside me i know there was nothing i could do, she was ill,

out of her rockers. Everyone has said the same thing.

 

Talked with my sis. yesterday she said "No one says things like that in a relationship." When i told her what kind of thing ex blamed me for etc.

 

My friends have said it, you have said it, even i have said to myself. Yet STILL i blame myself sometimes.

 

All the time i see things i would like to share with her...pictures, movies, songs. "hey that is a good movie, watch it".

 

Most horrible breakup i've ever experienced. NEver before i have lost my ability to work out hard. I have worked out hard to take away the pain...but now i cannot do it. I don't feel the spark...this is so damn horrible.

 

I did my morning walk at least. It's around 4 kilometres. It's better than nothing.

 

Also did some calculations and i now know where all my money goes. It goes to alcohol, beverages (cola etc.) and sweets and chips.

 

I spend 20-40 euros per week to above. It makes over 1000 euros per YEAR! PER YEAR! That is huge amount of money (at least to me).

 

So i really need to cut down on those. Not just to save money, but to make myself healthier as well. I am around 15kg overweight at the moment....

[Protec]

Having problems again.

 

She is in my mind all the time. All the time. I try to do everything but she just is there. All the time.

 

Nothing helps. I constantly want to contact her. To go behind her door and apologize. Just ask for another chance (WHY?!).

 

I really hate how my brain works. I cannot control my thoughts at all.

 

And i haven't watched any pictures of her or anything. She is just constantly in my mind.

God i miss those moments on the couch when we watched that Sci-Fi series together.

 

I miss her a lot. This is not good...:/

 

Time to go to sleep :/

[Blanco]

Guess what? Breakups suck, even when it's a bad relationship. You're in the worst phase of the breakup where it's hitting you that it's for realisies this time. Life is going to suck for a while, but that doesn't mean to revert and run back to her, even if that's your natural inclination.

[Art_Critic]

You know the ole saying "sometimes in order to get over someone you need to get under someone new"

 

Dude.. wallowing like this for months isn't healthy... time to go out with another girl...

 

Start dating now....being with some who has mental issues can wack your self esteem.. time to help raise that and show yourself you got it..

Edited July 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

[ExpatInItaly]

Having problems again.

 

She is in my mind all the time. All the time. I try to do everything but she just is there. All the time.

 

Nothing helps. I constantly want to contact her. To go behind her door and apologize. Just ask for another chance (WHY?!).

 

I really hate how my brain works. I cannot control my thoughts at all.

 

And i haven't watched any pictures of her or anything. She is just constantly in my mind.

God i miss those moments on the couch when we watched that Sci-Fi series together.

 

I miss her a lot. This is not good...:/

 

Time to go to sleep :/

 

You need to accept the fact that the healing process will take time. From the sounds of it, you seek out instant gratification and are not very patient in these matters. Of course you still miss her - the wound is still fresh. That is normal, even if the relationship was dysfunctional.

 

A sincere question, but did you expect you'd have been able to stop thinking about her already? To be blunt, you need to be more realistic about the healing process. You will have good days and bad days. The crux of this issue isn't about her at all - it's about you, and the fact that you use her erratic behaviour as a measuring stick of your own self-worth.

 

You have more control than you think. But you are very self-defeating and self-sabotaging - this is why you've done so very little real healing so far.

[Blanco]

You know the ole saying "sometimes in order to get over someone you need to get under someone new"

 

Dude.. wallowing like this for months isn't healthy... time to go out with another girl...

 

Start dating now....being with some who has mental issues can wack your self esteem.. time to help raise that and show yourself you got it..

 

I don't agree. He has to stop relying on others, specifically women, to attain contentment in life. Read his old thread. Going out and finding a new woman to get over the last one is precisely how he found himself in this mess.

[Emilia]

I don't agree. He has to stop relying on others, specifically women, to attain contentment in life. Read his old thread. Going out and finding a new woman to get over the last one is precisely how he found himself in this mess.

Agree. He needs to break patterns and to achieve that he needs to spend some time on his own.

[Protec]

You know the ole saying "sometimes in order to get over someone you need to get under someone new"

 

Dude.. wallowing like this for months isn't healthy... time to go out with another girl...

 

Start dating now....being with some who has mental issues can wack your self esteem.. time to help raise that and show yourself you got it..

 

Well i basically broke up finally from her just 1,5 week ago. After spending the most amazing 3 days with her and her kids.

 

This is the hardest breakup i've ever encountered in my life. Mostly because of the strong contrast. From having the greatest time then suddenly nothing.

 

BEcause in my all other relationships, the passion had died long time ago, no more sex, no more cuddling, no more talking, no more doing things together. It has been easier, because things have been bad for a long time...

 

But in this one... we still had sex, cuddling, we spent time together, we had fun...so i just cannot understand it. We did all the things couples do. Then suddenly everything is taken away. That's why it's so hard.

 

To me kissing, having sex, holding hands, doing things together etc is dating.

 

And no. I don't want to date anyone right now. It would be wrong for me, and for the new girl (if i ever happen to find anyone that is...).

 

And i try to look at girls, smile at them and see if i get any response out of them.

 

Today i tried to have little small talk with a cute cashier girl.

 

But i think the only way to fix my self-esteem is going to a professional.

[Protec]

Agree. He needs to break patterns and to achieve that he needs to spend some time on his own.

 

You are right. Right now i need to learn how to be alone. Enjoy things.

 

The longest time i've been single was about little over1 year? When my 2nd GF dumped me, i sat down, and really tried to get known to myself.

 

I dated several girls during that time i was single. It was just a coffee. Nothing more. I just wanted to see what kind of people there are out there and what kind of people i really do like.

 

I know i can be alone. True, i might have moved too quickly into this one. But i really did like this woman. I don't date people i don't like and definitely don't start a relationship with someone just because i don't want to be alone. I didn't force myself to date her. I wanted to.

 

Maybe even if i don't know how to be alone, i still won't accept just any woman.

 

I genuinely liked her. She had some very good sides in her that i liked.

 

And i learned so many good things from her. I learned new things about myself, learned things about kids, family life, etc. I even learned that i actually like red wine! And i learned to drink coffee. I found new sides from myself i didn't even knew existed. My other exes have never made me feel like that.

 

I am grateful to her. As funny as it sounds. But all the things i learned from her, all the experiences i got with her and her kids. I learned so much.

Also i learned about me! And thanks to her, i finally faced my problems.

I finally admitted that i am not able to fix my core issues alone.

 

I felt alive with her. And yes, that is a problem. I should feel alive when i am alone too. I should be able to enjoy and be just as happy as i was with her.

 

But what made me happy was i actually found a person who wanted to make all those things with me. I've never had a person like that in my life.

 

My other exes have always been kinda boring. If i asked them to join me on a beach, go frisbeegolfing etc. the answer has been usually "no".

 

But with this woman it was completely the opposite. She wanted to go into a forest in the middle of winter, just to show me this place where she played as kid. She wanted to go play frisbeegolf, she wanted to go to amusement park...

 

God this sucks.

[Protec]

My NC is still holding...but i'm feeling like Starship Enterprise.

 

"CAPTAIN! OUR NC IS NOT HOLDING FOR MUCH LONGER!! We are currently at 30% and decreasing! We need more power!!"

 

"Re-route the power from auxillary dilithium cores to main! We must hold our NC or enemy will win!! Do everything you can Scotty!"

 

"Aye sir!"

 

I thought i have some fun and went to IKEA. Well BS. I was so miserable there i wanted to punch myself in the face. I saw happy couples, happy people, happy everywhere.

I see "Omg that's the same thing that she had in her apartment...and that too..."

 

Well. I Bought myself a new lamp for my kitchen. The NITTIO lamp. It looks nice Gives a nice warm light in the darkest hours.

 

But my god. I am losing my mind. Seriously. I want to send her something....anything...but if i do it she knows i am still interested in her.

 

Am i interested in her? After all she did? Would i seriously take her back?

 

**** this all. She was so amazing person. She was literally eveything i've ever dreamed my woman to be (without the cheating and push / pull of course). God if she would have only taken her meds...if only i had been smarter and not bring alcohol to her place.

 

I mean the flea markets, similar taste in movies / series, she played bingo, she was awesome dancer, she was great in bed, she made awesome food, she had creative mind, she was open to new things, she was funny, she was beautiful, she was cute, she was naughty, she was handy, she was energetic, i enjoyed talking with her, i loved the way she was so feminine but at the same time she was not, i loved her eyes (beautiful green), i loved her lips, her hair, her voice! She had the most amazing laugh. She was sensitive. She was wild but wasn't. She was good karaoke singer.

 

She was the most strangest mix of everything. Hot and cold. Day and night. I loved her for that reason. She was literally everything.

 

DAMN!!!!

 

How the hell am i supposed to find any woman after her interesting? I loved her wild side. I loved her sensitive and sweet side. But i did not love her cheating side...

 

She's the only woman i've been with who smuggles an alcoholic drink to movie theater. Here in finland it's forbidden. I loved her rebellious side (bit of rebel inside me, believe it or not).

 

I really felt like home with her.

 

Edited July 28, 2016 by Protec

[VeveCakes]

You only remember the good you saw.

 

You were on here for dozens of pages talking about she treated you so terribly. But all of a sudden she is the most amazing person and you will never find another? Get real. She's a terrible person and your self esteem is so low you think you will never find better.

 

You will. Get busy, you are being obsessing at this point and it's extremely unhealthy.

[Blanco]

Your scarcity mentality with this woman is off the charts.

 

I'll reiterate: You need to block her. There is no way you'll be able to resist a message from her if you're seriously listing her interest in bingo as one of her virtues.

[Art_Critic]

I don't agree. He has to stop relying on others, specifically women, to attain contentment in life. Read his old thread. Going out and finding a new woman to get over the last one is precisely how he found himself in this mess.

 

I think with most breakups that most of us go thru then yeah doing introspection and turning inward to learn from the relationship and it's failure is what the Dr ordered..

 

But... he has mentioned that this is the hardest breakup he has gone thru and we can see by the months of posting that he is having a tough time coming back to zero again, he doesn't seem like he is going to get past this unless he actually does something about it and putting himself out there and dating is easy and immediate..

 

I'm not saying he go all out and get engaged next week moving in with another but he needs something to help himself come back to zero again so his self esteem can regain and he starts to like himself again.

[Blanco]

I think with most breakups that most of us go thru then yeah doing introspection and turning inward to learn from the relationship and it's failure is what the Dr ordered..

 

But... he has mentioned that this is the hardest breakup he has gone thru and we can see by the months of posting that he is having a tough time coming back to zero again, he doesn't seem like he is going to get past this unless he actually does something about it and putting himself out there and dating is easy and immediate..

 

I'm not saying he go all out and get engaged next week moving in with another but he needs something to help himself come back to zero again so his self esteem can regain and he starts to like himself again.

 

I don't disagree with the spirit of what you're saying, but I do think context is crucial with this sort of advice.

 

If you have not looked at his thread about his last relationship from last fall, I suggest you give it a skim. You'll see some alarming parallels. Then, if you note the date of the final posts in that thread and then his first thread about the most recent relationship, you'll see there was virtually no time in between. He simply transferred his mountain of insecurities and poor understanding of what healthy relationships look like from one damaged woman to another.

 

I know some people for whom the idea of getting involved with a new person can be that final push toward indifference about the previous relationship. Truthfully, I've often been like that.

 

However, there's always been an extended period of healing, introspection, and personal growth in between. Meeting someone new was not what "cured" me, but rather, was simply the final step in a long journey to recovery. I submit that Protec has done very little in the way of personal healing and discovery, and so, for him, seeking healing in the form of another woman is foolish.

 

Moreover, he has shown that for him, casual relationships are pretty much off the table. That's not necessarily a strike against him, but it's obvious that for him, there's no real middle ground when it comes to dating. He's either not dating or whoever he's seeing is automatically The Best Thing That's Ever Happened to [Me].

[Simon Phoenix]

I think with most breakups that most of us go thru then yeah doing introspection and turning inward to learn from the relationship and it's failure is what the Dr ordered..

 

But... he has mentioned that this is the hardest breakup he has gone thru and we can see by the months of posting that he is having a tough time coming back to zero again, he doesn't seem like he is going to get past this unless he actually does something about it and putting himself out there and dating is easy and immediate..

 

I'm not saying he go all out and get engaged next week moving in with another but he needs something to help himself come back to zero again so his self esteem can regain and he starts to like himself again.

 

Your strategy is what he employed with his last breakup, which got him to his current state. Jumping from lily pad to lily pad clearly didn't work. He's going to have to deal with the s--t and not cut corners.

[Sunkissedpatio]

He's only been broken up for 2 weeks and it's terrible advise to go and get with a new woman in the state he is in. For his sake, and for the new woman's sake. People aren't tools to be used for our lack of self-awareness and patience.

 

Personally I don't see how sex with a new woman is going to fix anything when it is the companionship that he claims he is yearning for most. In the state that he is in it will just leave him feeling even more empty and missing his ex by comparison or worst yet he might obsess or cling to the wrong type of woman again out of desperation. He really needs to ride this one out alone.

 

Best thing you can do Protec is accept that it will take time, quite a bit of time. And like someone else said, you seem to be fixed on instant gratification and the more you expect to be instantly healed the further you get from the goal.

 

You are going to hurt a lot. And you will have some good days and some really and bad days and that is just how it is.

 

Your end goal is to find someone with the good qualities you loved in your ex minus all the extreme nonsense. And you will find that once you are healed.

 

Think of it this way, do you think a person who sprained their ankle has good chance of completing a marathon a few weeks after the accident or a few months afterward?

 

You are doing better than you think so keep at it.