Seperated... wondering how i got here.. Mentally in limbo

[xontom]

HI Guys..

 

So, my story so far. I try and make everyone happy. 8 years ago, I met up with someone who reminded me of my first true love. We had been in contact on and off for awhile, but we both were in our mid 30s, the distance was great and we thought... hey, we spoke to each other as friends about once a month over the previous few years.. So we thought why dont we give it a shot, we both getting older, and it might work.

 

we met up for a series of weekends. after a handful of weekends, she moved in. On the night she moved in accidents happen she was pregnant. I found myself 10 days into a new relationship and going to be a dad. She was worried sick, but I said it would be ok. 5 months later we had moved cities and were married. I struggled, we had absolutely nothing in common. She did not want the TV, did not want family or friends near by. Hated noise. We moved to somewhere were there was not good transport and I dont drive. I became a recluse, in a recluse relationship.

 

Wife a lovely person and we got on well, but we lived by her rules. I was always able to offer opinion on anything, but when i chose the wrong one it was discussed until i saw the light. 2 years later another child. 2 years after that 2 more moves. Not seen anyone other really in years. Constantly told no funds to do anything other than something for the kids. Kids got more toys than a nursery. Clothes from abroad. Me, not allowed a bottle of beer in the shopping order, or allowed to buy a book.

 

Wife hated my job. I admit it was hard. My kids have some disabilities and she worked out that if i did not work, we would be better off.. SO after much heatedness from her and my workplace. I ended up quitting.

 

I ended up doing all the housework.. was always a 50/50 parent. Being told that she now wears the trousers as she makes the money. She checked on the housework i did telling me constantly where i have gone wrong.. It got to the point where going outside meant the weekly taking the rubbish to the corner of the drive.

 

I felt like a stepford husband. There was very little of me left. I ended up locking myself onto a top floor of the house were no one went once the kids went to bed. then came down to watch tv. with headphones on as she could not stand the noise. then to bed. on my side with a big gap between.

 

Wife did not want any intermacy, though claimed she did. Every night i "tried it on", desperate i guess for affection. Every night i get rebuked. The nights i don't try it on i am told that she was in the mood... but did not want to wake me. I was told that lots of her friends dont sleep with their partners...

 

It got to the point, were one rebuke told me to "go and see to myself". I found it offensive and said "Im going to stop trying". She turned over and i kind of felt relief... I just laid there... and decided. that if she ever tried it on I would have to say no. That would be the beginning of the end of the marriage...

 

I also realised. I was beginning to lose my temper with children. Never harmful, but i would have little tolerance for being messed about. My daughter started to tell me what she done wrong and what treats she would lose because of it.. and by god that felt so awful that i was effecting my children this way

 

67 days went by and I told her i wished to go. I was incredibly unhappy. then it started....

 

she worked out my finances if i left... called me in the same house after sending me a spreadsheet... found my a house to move into.. i think to try and scare me into going... Told me real fathers would live on the unused room and put on a happy face for the kids and how perfectic i was. contacted my family members as i headed out to each one to try and use them to talk things through and sort my head. each one i arrived to reams of text messages and facebook messages telling them i was having a mental breakdown...

 

then before i knew. I was on an airbed in an empty house with a pan and a set of cutlery... wondering how i got here. So lost... every few days i wondered if i should go back.. every few days another text or words which was said which made me think no.

 

i call my children everyday. never missed one. I see them 3 times a week. I cover maintenance and then some. I still help out with chores in the ex's house.

 

In the meantime. I have met up again with my first true love. she is amazing. fun, allows me to be me. But i keep her visits to a minimum as I am just mentally not in a good place to commit.

 

11 months have gone by, ex-wife is being nice on the days i am there with the kids. No more nastiness is happening. We seem to be behaving as good friends.

 

Me, im living in anxiety and fear everyday. Missing my kids greatly. Not wanting to go back to the way I lived. not knowing how i can make a relationship with someone work alongside the family i visit 3 days a week.

 

I seen my doc, they wont prescribe antidepressants. I think I need them, but have counseling happening soon. Some day the fear and anxiety is so hard to bare.

 

I asked my ex-wife to try and be a little bit tolerable with me, as mentally im struggling and seeking help. She told me.. well everything that happened and the reason we broke up is all me... was all in my head..

 

Somedays i wonder if it was. Somedays I wonder if i am doing right with this new relationship. I feel like i am messing up too household. I miss being with my kids so bad, but i dont want to go back to being a mindless meat puppet in a relationship were for me, its been just a friendship with kids for so long, with me pinned in place. I dont believe its my wifes fault, she is just strong willed and has to have her own way, but that personality just drowns me out. I

 

So today, like most days.. im feeling lost.. stuck in limbo... peering through the window of the world of my kids, but not trully a 24/7 part of.

 

Xon

[PegNosePete]

Goodness, you need to see a lawyer and get back your self respect ASAP. It seems like you've already given her everything on a silver plate. Maybe with the help of a lawyer you can un-do that.

[oldshirt]

Dude!!!!

 

You sound like a pathetic chick on Oprah.

 

The solution can be summed up in three words - Get. A. Life.

 

Stand up for yourself and your own self interests. Grow some balls. Get a job. Get some independence and do things for yourself.

 

Make some goals and accomplish them. Embrace your passions and pursue them. Engage in a fun and healthy hobby.

 

Get out and meet people and do things with them.

 

Get some normal male friends.

 

Become an independent, self determining, self supporting adult male.

[mikeylo]

Dude, get a job. You need money for attorney. DIY divorces aren't easy. Sorry, but a poor example to your kids

[Clockwatching]

The relationship you were in sounds incredibly controlling and demeaning - please don't let anyone treat you like that again!! I agree that you need to rediscover your own sense of self and respect as this has seriously ground you down.

 

I have been in relationships like the one you describe, and it's something you have to pick yourself up from and rebuild your life, these things are incredibly toxic and we can completely lose that sense of who we are in those types of relationships.

 

It sounds very much like a hugely bad match most definitely from your point of view and that you knew that from the beginning - but when you feel you have to try and make something work for children that you love, it's hard to say no. The problem with that is that you put yourself in an abusive situation and things will only get worse. Listen to your heart and gut as they're generally not wrong.

 

I am so pleased for you that you're out of there, take some time to recover and rebuild your life, and keep talking to people, get help if you can but a support network and rediscovering yourself will be invaluable. Whatever you end up doing, it seems like this was the best and only thing to do.

 

Learn to love yourself and your life again, one step at a time, don't be so hard on yourself - what's past is past, we learn, we evolve and we move forward to be the best version of ourselves that we can. Be around people that love and cherish you and vice versa, take care of yourself, it'll happen and you will heal, it just takes time and understanding. xx

[Clockwatching]

I find it really interesting that if this was a woman posting this and describing this level of abuse and control, the support and level of understanding would be so different than 'man up' - we are all human and we have hearts and souls that should be respected, I'm completely shocked by the lack of humanity and kindness in some of the replies.

[xontom]

Wen I decided I had to move out I did get a job. It's how I pay to live and support my children. Amazing how you all assumed I did not. Then again my fault for not saying that.

 

Yeah. I have gone though alot and maybe it was a bad match and maybe I got a lot of mental sorting to do.

 

For the tough love crowd.. we are all in titled to our opinion and thanks for yours. I do reflect on what you say.

 

Just trying to sort my head by writing it down in the open. Probably the wrong place to do that.

[Sabella]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrendous.

 

It sounds like you've completely lost your center in the relationship, and she sounds very controlling. It seems like you are doing the right steps to get yourself back though. I suppose it's easy to become impatient with this process, but keep in mind, it's an undoing of many years.

 

You will get there, take it slowly and be kind to yourself. I know you must miss your kids terribly, but it sounds like you are working hard to keep a good relationship with them. You just also need to find some happiness in yourself, find something new that pleases you and has nothing to do with girlfriend or kids. It may sound selfish, but I know you deserve it, so seek it.

[loveboid]

Look up abusive relationships. It will open your eyes.

Forget that help is focused on women. Abuse is the same process, man or woman, adult or child: Deceive, isolate, extort, repeat.

[xontom]

To play devil's advocate on myself. She wanted a life one way and was very focused on that. Someone else my have thrived in that situation.. me I have not. The controlling at the end. I can appreciate is fueled by loss and trying to keep a life that's in her head together.

 

I guess I just needed to be able to live. Have some control over me and still be a good father.

 

Her not being a bad person is what makes it hard and makes me question if i have done the right thing. It's easy to see the good stuff and forget why you make these hard decisions.

[oldshirt]

I find it really interesting that if this was a woman posting this and describing this level of abuse and control, the support and level of understanding would be so different than 'man up' - we are all human and we have hearts and souls that should be respected, I'm completely shocked by the lack of humanity and kindness in some of the replies.

 

Actually no, if this were a woman, other than saying to grow some ovaries, my advice would be the same pretty much word for word.

 

If a woman were under this kind of domination and control and disrespect, I would hope that people would advise her to get a job to support herself, get some friends and support system and to get a life outside of cooking and cleaning for someone that does not respect or appreciate her.

 

I see no distinction between the two.

[S2B]

Start doing things that make you more independent. No need to seek her approval.

 

Set up your place the way you want it - and start living again!

 

I'd test the first child - it may not be biologically yours.

 

Stop allowing your ex to dictate anything. Seek counseling if you need guidance on finding a boundary.

 

Keep ALL your money separate!

[AnnaTjacks]

:)You sound like a kind and very compassionate person. I do commend you on wanting to continue to build a relationship with your kids. A separation can also be hard on them.

 

You said that your wife is acting nicer towards you since the separation, so I wonder is she having a change of heart. Have you thought about going to see a marriage counselor? I remember reading an article and the writer talked about how "it takes more than an opinion to discover the right thing to do — it takes wisdom". Sometimes it takes someone with training in this area to stand as a middle person to hear both sides. I do wish you the best and I will be saying a prayer for you.

[VelvetCrush]

Dude!!!!

 

You sound like a pathetic chick on Oprah.

 

The solution can be summed up in three words - Get. A. Life.

 

Stand up for yourself and your own self interests. Grow some balls. Get a job. Get some independence and do things for yourself.

 

Make some goals and accomplish them. Embrace your passions and pursue them. Engage in a fun and healthy hobby.

 

Get out and meet people and do things with them.

 

Get some normal male friends.

 

Become an independent, self determining, self supporting adult male.

 

Hey oldshirt - i know you wrote this for someone else lol and i am a female lol but gee i got heaps out of this post - thankyou thankyou you have no idea just who is reading this forum and getting the proverbial kick up the bum that is needed just at the right time.

 

Again - thankyou:D

[standtall]

Well dude that sucks. It sounds like step one to getting some self respect. Good job.

[idiot 274]

How are you holding up?

[Jersey born raised]

You refered to your wife as ex. Are you divorced, or divorcing?

 

You sound like you really need to read "no more nice guy" bing it, it isva free download.

 

Read this link Borderlinepersonalitysupport.com. Understand there are I believe 12 tests and with-in each one is a scale. A normal person will score a low range accross the board with perphaps a spike in one or two. How does your wife stack up?