Need a second opinion....

[goingcrazy101]

Hey guys I was online browsing for answers to my relationship problems and came across this site and saw alot of useful info so I figured I would join and post.

 

Need some unbiased opinions. Here is the story. I will make it short...

 

GF and I have been together 3 years. I am 35 she is 28. We get along very well most of the time. We do not live together. But when we fight its over the same issues her past and how it effects us now.

 

We have very different sexual pasts. I have slept only with my girlfriends in relationships and never had a 1 night stand so I have had maybe 8 partners or so.

 

She never really had a boyfriend or solid relationship. Her relationship history was basically partying, drinking and having unprotected sex with random people along with a bunch of f*ck buddies she strung along for years.

 

We met hit it off and started dating. She was somewhat honest about her past maybe watered it down a bit but I respect her for her honesty about it.

 

The problem started when her old f*ck buddies kept contacting her when we were in our relationship she would not tell them to get lost she would not respond like she was keeping the door open maybe? I dont really have any contact with my ex gf's anymore and I focus on my current relationship out of respect for her and it bothers me that she wont do the same.

 

Its always some old f*uck buddy texting her looking to meet up and chat or whatever. Just recently (this week) one of her old f*ck buddies contacted her said he was getting married and moving and wanted to meet up for coffee before he goes. She called to ask me if that was ok with me. Although I appreciate her honesty I was very dissapointed wondering what these 2 people have to talk about and how after a 3 year relationship with someone she claims she loves why would she want to meet up with someone who she just had a sexual relationship with I mean whats there to talk about?

 

I am dissapointed and frustrated at the same time. We have very different views on sex and the meaning of it and I have worked hard to learn to accept her past and move forward with her because I love her. She used to say the past is the past dont worry about it, and I am ok with that but what do I do when the past comes knocking on the door now its the present causing stress?

Edited May 25, 2016 by goingcrazy101

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you are working to her past behind but her past is still part of her present. Unless she is willing to cut contact with people who have seen her naked, she has no respect for you or your relationship. I wouldn't put up with that.

[PegNosePete]

said he was getting married and moving and wanted to meet up for coffee before he goes. She called to ask me if that was ok with me.

"Coffee" eh? I don't think much coffee would have got drunk. Clearly, he is getting married and wants a final fling before he gets tied down. There is no other reason for someone to contact a FWB right before they get married. I think that's pretty obvious for most normal people to see. I'm sure your GF knew it, too.

 

She seems to be acting like a single woman despite being with you for 3 years. I would not put up with that, either.

 

In fact, if I were you, I'd have a very serious conversation about where this relationship is going. If she wants it to last in the long term then she needs to think about how she's acting with ex-flings because that is not how people in long-term relationships should act.

Edited May 25, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Space Ritual]

Hey guys I was online browsing for answers to my relationship problems and came across this site and saw alot of useful info so I figured I would join and post.

 

Need some unbiased opinions. Here is the story. I will make it short...

 

GF and I have been together 3 years. I am 35 she is 28. We get along very well most of the time. We do not live together. But when we fight its over the same issues her past and how it effects us now.

 

We have very different sexual pasts. I have slept only with my girlfriends in relationships and never had a 1 night stand so I have had maybe 8 partners or so.

 

She never really had a boyfriend or solid relationship. Her relationship history was basically partying, drinking and having unprotected sex with random people along with a bunch of f*ck buddies she strung along for years.

 

We met hit it off and started dating. She was somewhat honest about her past maybe watered it down a bit but I respect her for her honesty about it.

 

The problem started when her old f*ck buddies kept contacting her when we were in our relationship she would not tell them to get lost she would not respond like she was keeping the door open maybe? I dont really have any contact with my ex gf's anymore and I focus on my current relationship out of respect for her and it bothers me that she wont do the same.

 

Its always some old f*uck buddy texting her looking to meet up and chat or whatever. Just recently (this week) one of her old f*ck buddies contacted her said he was getting married and moving and wanted to meet up for coffee before he goes. She called to ask me if that was ok with me. Although I appreciate her honesty I was very dissapointed wondering what these 2 people have to talk about and how after a 3 year relationship with someone she claims she loves why would she want to meet up with someone who she just had a sexual relationship with I mean whats there to talk about?

 

I am dissapointed and frustrated at the same time. We have very different views on sex and the meaning of it and I have worked hard to learn to accept her past and move forward with her because I love her. She used to say the past is the past dont worry about it, and I am ok with that but what do I do when the past comes knocking on the door now its the present causing stress?

 

This is a no brainer.

 

She is more than happy to keep the door open to extra curricular activities if the opportunity arises. And that opportunity has arisen, as obviously it has before.

 

Long term relationships are an audition for a lifetime together. Your Girlfriend seems to be determined to fail this audition.

 

Tell her that she is free to go see old FWB's for coffee, just not as your girlfriend. And when she leaves to go, tell her not to come back.

 

Really, Going crazy 101? This should not even be open to debate. What this tells me is that if at this juncture she is letting you know she wants to go that your relationship ranks a distance second to her carnal desires. And you should let her go to explore her life. Dude you deserve so much better. If your best friend were telling you this story would you not tell him to run screaming into the night and never look back?

 

You would. And that's what you need to do. Run screaming into the night.

[lolablue17]

Before you start blaming her, check if is there something to blame about. Just tell her that no, you're not OK with her meeting up with her old F buddy. And then see how she react.

 

If she accept your view, and doesn't upset about it, so nothing happened. She doesn't want to hurt you, she just asked you, and that is that. If she doesn't accept that, then you have a big problem. In fact if she doesn't naturally accept that, you have a few problems.

 

Just tell her no about this and see what happens.

[smackie9]

I don't know why people date others that have incompatible views on sex. It's will eventually breakup your relationship, because you can't change the past, or change your point of view.

[scooby-philly]

Before you start blaming her, check if is there something to blame about. Just tell her that no, you're not OK with her meeting up with her old F buddy. And then see how she react.

 

If she accept your view, and doesn't upset about it, so nothing happened. She doesn't want to hurt you, she just asked you, and that is that. If she doesn't accept that, then you have a big problem. In fact if she doesn't naturally accept that, you have a few problems.

 

Just tell her no about this and see what happens.

 

 

Smackie 9 had a great comment in the next reply about sexual compatibility, which most people overlook until they learn the hard way.

 

But this comment takes the cake! I love it.

 

OP,

 

You'll see a lot of threads on here about contact with ex bfs/gfs on this site.

 

IMHO:

1. there's a big difference between exes and ex fwb or random guys. If a fwb or random becomes SERIOUS then that's one thing but it doesn't appear to be the case here.

 

2. She's admitted to having had no real relationships in the past - what was her upbringing like? (it's not to judge but to judge your compatibility with her)

 

3. With exes - some people date from inside circle of friends so if thinks don't work out and there isn't any drama they can and should be friends/cordial. Those who tend to date exclusively outside of friends or maybe don't have "one circle" don't always get that. Either way partners need to communicate expectations up front.

 

4. Until she proves otherwise as the poster said in the reply I quoted - the balls in your court. Say no - and see how she reacts is good advice. She may want to and have all the ability in the world to stay true but she may need a bit of a "father" to put the rules down. And that's honestly okay. No on person is perfect and one of the easiest ways to cement long term happiness and staying together is to get comfortable earlier on being "lawmen" for each other in areas where one person has their **** down and the other doesn't. In this case you may have a lot of common sense on the issue where as her experience

 

5. The question at the bottom of it all is you want to know what you will be - the next one in line or the last one. Having been there in the same kind of spot I feel your pain/fear/hesitation.

[goingcrazy101]

Thanks for the advice I signed back in here to check out the site again I have worked out these issues and things are going well just wanted to update and help comment on some other peoples threads and check my mail.

[Space Ritual]

so what ended up happening? Did she go for that coffee?

[smackie9]

Thanks for the advice I signed back in here to check out the site again I have worked out these issues and things are going well just wanted to update and help comment on some other peoples threads and check my mail.

Sooooo what is the verdict? She accepts the boundary set for her not to be in contact with old lovers? or you just are just sitting back and see if she does it again?

[goingcrazy101]

Sorry about the delay I only sign in once in a while. After a long talk she came up with the idea that it was prob not a good idea for them to go to coffee I agreed. Were still doing well. Hope everyone is well!