confused4awhile Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Some of you may remember me..I've been here lurking close to 4 years but I used to post about 2 years ago about being the OW. I will make this as short as possible.... I was in a relationship with a committed man for 2 years until I put the breaks on after years of waiting and broken promises. I moved on and found a wonderful man- he was/is everything a woman could want. After a year the committed guy comes back into my life begging for one last chance to make it right. I was well on my way to being completely over him. He asked me to give him just 6 months to end it with his girlfriend of 10 years but that he realized that after the year of me not being there how foolish he'd been and that he did love me and didn't want to lose me...All the things that us gals in these relationships LONG to hear and after close to 4 years I was floored and emotionally distraught. After all these years how could I just walk away now...maybe he had gotten it... finally....So I agreed. I gave him his 6 months and slowly pulled away form the man that had treated me like a queen for the last year. And I'm not talking in gifts I'm talking in the REAL sense...EMOTIONALLY. He was the one I could depend on for whatever and whenever. Anyway...time comes for the Committed guy to get it right...he tells me he's ended it with her just to find out he didn't (she contacted me) I confessed everything to her ..... I told her EVERYTHING that had happened in the last three years I told her I tried to move on and he chased me ETC ETC ETC So now it's truly over with them.....2 more months pass.....I am contacted by her again....he had tried to get back with her for weeks while telling me everything would be OK that we were on our way to a loving future together. She almost agreed to take him back until oopppsss she finds an email I had sent to him and realizes once again that he was lying to her about it being over with me....so she tells me this time that we're both being played by this guy So again its truly over...this time SHE tells me it is.. thats she's done... So I win by "default" if i want him Make things more complex...in all this time now a span of 6 months...the nice guy- the prince is still vowing his undying love. He is still asking me to please come back to him. That despite EVERYTHING that has happened that he loves me enough to make this work. He wants to be with me- help me raise my daughter - be there for me- that I make his life complete- that he'd do everything and anything under the sun to make me happy- sends me letters and love songs and all the things that make you melt to be honest. For the last 4 months I have been with the committed guy...now committed to me (I use that term loosely ...trust me) and i'm not happy. I keep thinking about what a special thing had started with the nice guy. It really did feel special with him...That for the first time in my life he was a person who would hurt themselves before hurting me and I choose person that I can't trust now, has hurt me over and over, and is kinda mean to me sometimes. I've asked myself why am I staying..and all I can come back to now is I feel guilty because I helped break up a relationship of 10 years and now I'm not sure I even wanted him anymore. OK - let it fly---advice or criticism...believe ya'll can't be any harder on me than I've already been on myself Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Why would you have left someone who treated you like a queen for someone who treated you like underwear - something he could change everyday? I don't get it. Oh well... I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
SexiiPinkLadii Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 While you still have the chance....GO BACK TO THE NICE GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you wait too long, you will find out that you have missed a good thing. Yes, you did -help- break up a relationship, but obviously the two had problems before you, since he strayed. If their relationship was going great, he would never have cheated. So yes, feel guilty, but don't let your guilt STOP you from being HAPPY with this new great guy. Let us know what happens!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by Debster Why would you have left someone who treated you like a queen for someone who treated you like underwear - something he could change everyday? I don't get it. Oh well... I wish you the best. I've wondered the same thing myself...a delusion of a fairy tale that everything would work out OK. It's not like I chose this path thinking that it was the wrone one all along ..I honestly thought THIS time would be different. I've battled with my it is am I'm just not giving it a fair shot because I have become so mistrusting. Then on the flip I ssay I've become mistrusting for a reason Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by confused4awhile I've wondered the same thing myself...a delusion of a fairy tale that everything would work out OK. It's not like I chose this path thinking that it was the wrone one all along ..I honestly thought THIS time would be different. I've battled with my it is am I'm just not giving it a fair shot because I have become so mistrusting. Then on the flip I ssay I've become mistrusting for a reason wow that reply was just full of typos LOL sorry about that Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by SexiiPinkLadii While you still have the chance....GO BACK TO THE NICE GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you wait too long, you will find out that you have missed a good thing. Yes, you did -help- break up a relationship, but obviously the two had problems before you, since he strayed. If their relationship was going great, he would never have cheated. So yes, feel guilty, but don't let your guilt STOP you from being HAPPY with this new great guy. Let us know what happens!! I'm starting to feel the same way. I know that everyone here including me when I reply only gets "parts" of every story but trust me when I say that this guy is worth thinking twice about....I always thought the commited one was too...but after being lied to so many times and "played" by him I've come to realize that some men are just players period Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Honestly I don't think you ready for the prince, and if you care for him you will let him go. As much as prince he was, you were still willing to dump him to go back to a destructive relationship. So I think you need to work out things for yourself. The last thing you need is to take back this guy only to find yourself in the same position again, and hurt him again. Don't ruin his future. You don't seem that selfish. So, you have some work to do. Link to post Share on other sites
She_Devil Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Karma is a bitch isn't it? I think you are unhappy because you were with someone else's man and knew it for 4 years(I hope I did not read that wrong). You know have what you wanted for sooo long and you see the grass is not so good. We have all made our mistakes and then we pay for them. Learn from this. I would ditch both guys and learn to be alone and appreciate yourself and your child. If you try to get back with the Prince there may be trust issues. There is always going to be "what might have been" but you can't live in the past. Make a clean start and move on from both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by ImaManDammit Honestly I don't think you ready for the prince, and if you care for him you will let him go. As much as prince he was, you were still willing to dump him to go back to a destructive relationship. So I think you need to work out things for yourself. The last thing you need is to take back this guy only to find yourself in the same position again, and hurt him again. Don't ruin his future. You don't seem that selfish. So, you have some work to do. There again you have made a comment I have also seriously considered because I do REALLY care for him and the last thing I want to see is him hurt..I've done that enough already...the problem is that he refuses to give up even though I've told him for 6 months I'm a lost cause.... Link to post Share on other sites
froggytroat Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Well, I hope you get what you deserve, which is the lying, manipulative one. You are not a good person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by She_Devil Karma is a bitch isn't it? I think you are unhappy because you were with someone else's man and knew it for 4 years(I hope I did not read that wrong). You know have what you wanted for sooo long and you see the grass is not so good. We have all made our mistakes and then we pay for them. Learn from this. I would ditch both guys and learn to be alone and appreciate yourself and your child. If you try to get back with the Prince there may be trust issues. There is always going to be "what might have been" but you can't live in the past. Make a clean start and move on from both. And yes it is.....and I'm getting exactly what I derserve here ....don't think I haven't already got that one figured out ... Not being a fan of country music my "nivc guy" sent me a CD in the mail a few weeks ago and asked me to listen to a few of the songs on it..one of which was by Keith Urban(?) I guess with everything else thats happened and everything he's said and how I felt when I was with him and how i feel now without him it really has become a special song: Sorry for the rant bit I've NEVER had ANYONE do the things for me this man has....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 Originally posted by froggytroat Well, I hope you get what you deserve, which is the lying, manipulative one. You are not a good person. Well good people do bad things Froggy and although I do agree with you that I do deserve what I've got right now...I'm not a bad person and only BAD people would say something so hurtful about someone who is here for advice and support....honestly I don't think you should be allowed to give any comment on someone that you DON'T know....and i'll be ignoring your posts from this point forward.... But thanks for taking the time to post- maybe someone with a little less esteem will buy into your malicious comments Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 I hope you don't think I'm a truly sick & twisted soul - but this fascinates me. Why are you even with this bozo? I feel like I'm missing something in this story? Does he have a 20-inch dingus? 98 MPH tongue? Does he crap $100 bills in rapid succession? There is something I'm not getting here because all you've told us about him is: a) He's a liar b) He's a cheat c) He treats you poorly d) You "won" by default. The won thing? Is that common? Was it like the a-hole olympics and he was the gold? Satire aside, how much of this was your self-esteem and a desire to finally be the chosen one over another female? To somehow declare yourself the better choice - without ever looking to see if the chooser was even remotely worth having to begin with? Honey, I think you really ought to consider losing the Bozo, and putting the "prince" on hold. If the two of you want to start something up after you've had six months guy-free, with some good self-esteem counseling - then good for ya! But in the meantime, I think that you've got some serious image issues to be involved in this at all. It floors me too, I've seen so many truly lovely gals get stuck in crap like this. Otherwise smart, witty, beautiful ladies - with such low self-esteem that they tolerate crap. Now granted, that makes it easier for toady old broads like myself to pick off the good ones while you dears are mating your way down the evolutionary chain - but why??? (See, I did warn you that I'm a bit sick) Please - if you scratch your head at everything I just wrote - take a six month man sabbatical and get your head on straight. Do something positive to build your self esteem without a man. Then, and only then, could you really have a chance at picking a good one for yourself and your child. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Perhaps this experience will eventually help to give you a better insight when it comes to determining the difference between a healthy, mutually loving relationship and an unhealthy relationship addiction/obsession. Sometimes, in order to learn the difference you actually have to experience both sides of it. I agree that the best course of action for you would be to give yourself enough alone time to evaluate the choices you have made so far in your life and try to figure out where they might come from. It will be difficult for you to avoid falling back into these same unhealthy relationship cycles over and over again until you get a better understanding of yourself. I'm not sure if I'm permitted to post this link…I tried to find one for you that was not from a commercial website. There are many others out there and maybe you'll want to do a search on your own to help give you a better understanding of what you may be going through and find the answers you're looking for… Good Luck! http://www.studentaffairs.cmu.edu/counseling/documents/relation.htm Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 23, 2005 Author Share Posted June 23, 2005 I realized after posting that last ocmment about good people doing bad things that it wasn't fair to the "CM" to not explain alittle about him and our relationship. He's not a BAD man... We met at a time that was very hard foe me..I was in a VERY abusive relationship and he offered his friendship and a kind ear. After about a year he helped me snd my daughter escape this abuse...and over that time we became VERY good friends. I came to depend on him a lot... So to say 4 years is not quite accurate..I had feelings for 4 years but he did not. After another year into our friendship we both had a weak moment and kissed one night after a very hard night for me....the rest is history... so yea good people don't always do good things ---but then again like i said it doesn't make them bad people Link to post Share on other sites
TiredOfWaiting Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Dear Confused I am in the IDENTICAL situation. I too have a daughter. My MM also can be pretty nasty, verbally abusive, also in limbo as far as him marriage is concerned. I also have that awful feeling of, if I do end up with him, it will be by default as he MOST DEFINITELY never tried to end the marriage, it has been all her doing. I agree with the majority of posts, that we need some ME time. From the book "Women who love too much", I gained so much insight into my role in this mess. I know it is hard to face months on your own, but you dont have to be lonely, just dont get caught up in a serious relationship. Herewith some valuable advice from the same book: It means to stop watching. Pay less attention to what he does and more attention to your own life. His troubles are his own to work out. Stay out of it. It means Detaching. Get your ego disentagled from his feelings and especially from his actions and their results. It requires learning to say and do nothing. It requires facing your own fears regarding what might happen to him and your relationship if you let go. He may never change. You must stop trying to make him, and learn to be happy anyway. As long as he can fight with you, make you promises, or try to win you back, his struggle is outside, with you and not inside himself. Its true for you too, as long as your struggle is with him. It is not the pain that holds us back, for we have already endured pain. It is fear which holds us back, fear of the unknown. Link to post Share on other sites
ImaManDammit Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by confused4awhile so yea good people don't always do good things ---but then again like i said it doesn't make them bad people So you saw him a your savior and felt an attraction for him. This is normal from what I understand. But I find it interesting that you went from one abusive relationship to a man you seemed like a knight in shining armor, only to find out that he was as thing progressed. So is the prince really a prince or is he a pauper? Think about that and while you do, I think you to continue let the prince be. I know he is pursueing you but as we say around here its a wait and see by using NC. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 You're an idiot. Don't stay with the committed guy because you 'feel guilty' about breaking up his ten year relationship. I'm sure his ex girlfriend doesn't mind one bit. He was a cheater, and if he's mean to you he was mean to her, and now that she's away from him, she's probably thanking her lucky stars that he's someone else's problem. If you're unhappy, get out of this joke of a relationship. That's what this loser deserves any way. Get back with the prince, if he'll still have you. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 My goodness, why are you being so dumb?!?!?!?!?!?! 2 more months pass.....I am contacted by her again....he had tried to get back with her for weeks while telling me everything would be OK that we were on our way to a loving future together. She almost agreed to take him back until oopppsss she finds an email I had sent to him and realizes once again that he was lying to her about it being over with me....so she tells me this time that we're both being played by this guy He cheated on YOU just like he cheated on HER!!! AND YOU'RE STILL WITH HIM WHY!?! Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Well maybe I am sticking my neck out here for abuse but I want to say thank you to you for having the guts to come on here and be open and honest. A lot of us on here were or are still in a similar situation and it's good to hear that the reality of how it is is not as good as the fairytale we make out it will be. Makes those of us who decided to make a go with the nice guy (rather than the destructive yet can't seem to break off from loser) realise that the grass isn't always greener. Please don't be put off by the few nasty comments and keep posting for those of us you are helping. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Go for the nice guy! Do you want to be the woman in a few yrs that gets cheated on? Do you want to be the one to call the other woman and find emails from her! You better go back to that prince before he gives us! THink about this. You WILL be cheated on with the guy you are with now. No doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 25, 2005 Author Share Posted June 25, 2005 There soo many great comments and insights on this one... 1st of all I'd like to thank those of you that have posted on here and done so in a constructive way. 2ndly I'd like to say that I have taken some time...maybe not the time most would like me to have but the reality is this...the "CM" has been gone off and on for 3 months dealing with family issues 1800 mikes away. I do still talk to him everyday and when he comes home I do see him while he's here. So this is what as enabled me to gain some much needed prospective. I understand that most here don't have that. They are dealing with their "Cm's" everyday and as I am too my situation is just slightly different. I have asked myself if people can change. I like to give people the chance to and I suppose that is what I'm worried about. I know the old addive "once a cheater - always a cheater" Don't think that has escape my mind. But like all of us here we're are so wanting for them to leave their S.O.'s that we dont stop and think about when they do (or when the S.O's get tired of them which ever comes first) how will the TRUST factor be between the two of you. As I have repeated over and over- we all that post here can't begin to get into the WHOLE of our each situation as to do so the threads would take up so much bandwidth I'm sure LOL but despite what sems to be the 1sy response of everyone which is WHY?!?!?!?!?! Why do any of us go thru this...I think the answer is different for each of us. In my case- IAMAMAN hit it on the head....he helped me in a time in my life that I was literally ROCK BOTTOM> and he showed me love and compassion support and friendship...was this all a big ruse? No !!! He is not the monster that we'd all like to make these guys. We're all dealing with HUMAN nature here. Like it or not. The fact is he's not absive in anyway- and if I created that illusion here I need to set that straight right now. When I say he's mean sometimes I mean that I have realized the selfish nature of him. Does selfish make anyone an abuser...NO...and having lived in a abusive relationship I am qualified to tell the difference. Did he take advantage? No I don't think so. When people start to share intimacy is about more than a physical act..the physical is just an end result or a symbol of what it means to feel close enough to a person to act in a physical way. True intimacy starts in the brain...in the heart and thats where our relationship started. We were two people who were having trouble in our lives and helped each other through it..and thats not uncommon. His S.O. was very distant emotionally and when he was going thru personal stuff of his own I listened. Even his S.O. admitted to me that she was not there for him as he had to deal with some very hard things. In regard to the "prince" am I disillusioned by him and what he really is? NO..I'm not. I think I'm a good judge on character. I married an abuser YEs was I EVER disillusioned by him NO...I ALAYS knew what he was and thought I could CHANGE him...Mistake #1. The "prince" is just a very kind person - a very caring person and I've had the chance to know all of this first hand. Unlike a lot of people I've had the rare privledge of meeting his ex wife and ex girlfriends who have ALL told me over and over had they to do it all over again they would have tried to work things out with him and would take him back in a heartbeat if he would ever have any of them back. His is a case where nice guys finish last....too bad all us ladies always want the bad boys or the ones that can't be trusted. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 So are you still 'with' both people emotionally and/or physically? Which relationship do you want to concentrate on - if you have not done so already you will have to decide whether any of the relationships suit you or whether you are better off on your own for a while? Just curious! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 If the nice guy's a fool, he'll take you back. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 If the nice guy's a fool, he'll take you back. or if he loves you and is understanding enough Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts