newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 quote:Originally posted by westernxer If the nice guy wasn't so forthcoming, I'm sure you'd be into him. There's no mystery to him... Friend for life, what else can I say? (I think I see your point now.) wow you know I never thought of it in that way....you know we women always say we want the forthcoming guy but maybe there's something to it...as a guy how do you see it? Are you man that shares his feelings or do you withhold? and isn't it better to be a person who is open and honest about their feelings then to have it all bottled up? I mean I think thats kinda the way the term "player" got started. As I've always thought of it ...is not what they say it what they DON'T say ...leaving just enough room for interpretation so that way they can "play" it either way when it all comes down to it yup, exactly why the mm/cm is such a hook for us, women loooove the mystery Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I can tell you this much... it doesn't pay to wear your heart on your sleeve so early on. I learned from experience that doing this will kill you, and I cringe when I see guys who just don't get it (it happens at work A LOT). Eventually I'll open up, but only when I know there's a return on my investment, so to speak. Until then, I'm gonna enjoy the sexual tension for all its worth. Although your friend is trustworthy and a complete gentleman, he's got no mojo to compensate. But hey, that's the way he is, and if he can't see that you aren't into him, tough. He's a sucker for putting up with it, but you get a great friend out of it, so more power to you. Survival of the fittest... those who refuse to learn, burn. just going slightly off topic for a moment, westernxr in your opinion do men also lurve the mysterious women? Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Although your friend is trustworthy and a complete gentleman, he's got no mojo to compensate. you know this is true, i too have a nice guy if i want him, a couple actually. one is sooo forthcoming its just creepy the other is actually ok just nice, i have been thinking about this and i know i get bored easily, but part of me just craves the stability of this, and to try to get the excitement from other areas of life, such as doing extra classes or courses and hobbies etc maybe a drama club! Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by newbby just going slightly off topic for a moment, westernxr in your opinion do men also lurve the mysterious women? Hmm... that's an excellent question. You should start a new thread about this. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer I can tell you this much... it doesn't pay to wear your heart on your sleeve so early on. I learned from experience that doing this will kill you, and I cringe when I see guys who just don't get it (it happens at work A LOT). Eventually I'll open up, but only when I know there's a return on my investment, so to speak. Until then, I'm gonna enjoy the sexual tension for all its worth. Although your friend is trustworthy and a complete gentleman, he's got no mojo to compensate. But hey, that's the way he is, and if he can't see that you aren't into him, tough. He's a sucker for putting up with it, but you get a great friend out of it, so more power to you. Survival of the fittest... those who refuse to learn, burn. I wish I knew the trick to holding back your feelings.... Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=65777 Hmm... that's an excellent question. You should start a new thread about this. ok, i did Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I wish I knew the trick to holding back your feelings.... you just keep your mouth shut Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by newbby you just keep your mouth shut Well, I know to LISTEN more, that is for sure. Every book I have read has stated that. If you let women vent, without "saving" them or offering "unsolicited advice" you'll be a lot better off. But keeping your mouth shut is not always easy to remember. You want to talk. I saw some advice that I thought was good. Go at the pace your partner is going. I'd go one step further and say you should not wear your heart on your sleeve until you KNOW you have her heart on yours. Hopefully that made sense Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 But keeping your mouth shut is not always easy to remember. You want to talk. I saw some advice that I thought was good. you can talk just not about your feelings Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by newbby you can talk just not about your feelings How to do you quell the urge? I mean, I know you should say to yourself "I accept that I feel this way, but I will not give in to my feelings..." Is it THAT simple? Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by ConfusedInOC How to do you quell the urge? I mean, I know you should say to yourself "I accept that I feel this way, but I will not give in to my feelings..." Is it THAT simple? You talk about other things you're interested in and have a sense of humor about it. I noticed how effective this is at my new job(s)... someday I might have to break my own rule and ask one of them out. A couple of them seem really sweet, too. We'll see... Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 How to do you quell the urge? I mean, I know you should say to yourself "I accept that I feel this way, but I will not give in to my feelings..." Is it THAT simple? well, why do you tell somebody how you feel? the only reason i know of to tell somebody how you feel in the early stages of a romance (up to about a year) is because you want to know how they will react. you want them to reciprocate those feelings, am i correct? therefore when you tell somebody how you feel it is pressure on them. its all in some love tactics somewhere too. it says people respond to pleasure not pressure. in my personal experience i have always "got the guy" by playing it this way, make sure they enjoy your company, never give too much away, if i do happen to say how i feel, i quickly take this edge off it with a joke to make them wonder if i was serious or not. however, if you are feeling extremely insecure in a situation, this is much harder to do, and if you are feeling sooo insecure in it, the chances are its because its really not right, nor will ever be. also i have known long lasting couples who never started out this way, but however may have been very shy about saying anything at all, which is still mysterious. it doesnt matter what way you play it as long as you dont load on the pressure by stating your feelings. i have gone out with guys who said they wanted nothing serious from me, and just wanted a fwb situation, sounds like no pressure right? but they also told me constantly how wonderful i was and how lucky they felt, THAT is too much pressure. playing the love game can be fun, and if it doesnt work out, just view it as practise Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by newbby playing the love game can be fun, and if it doesnt work out, just view it as practise Yep. I totally screwed up the first time I had a serious girlfriend, but I was just a college kid... everyone screws up when in college. It's embarassing to think I was such a dumbass, but I've learned a lot since then, not that I won't screw up in the future... Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Yep. I totally screwed up the first time I had a serious girlfriend, but I was just a college kid... everyone screws up when in college. It's embarassing to think I was such a dumbass, but I've learned a lot since then, not that I won't screw up in the future... yeah, never look back Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by newbby well, why do you tell somebody how you feel? the only reason i know of to tell somebody how you feel in the early stages of a romance (up to about a year) is because you want to know how they will react. you want them to reciprocate those feelings, am i correct? I had never looked at it that way, but I think you are 100% correct. therefore when you tell somebody how you feel it is pressure on them. its all in some love tactics somewhere too. it says people respond to pleasure not pressure. in my personal experience i have always "got the guy" by playing it this way, make sure they enjoy your company, never give too much away, if i do happen to say how i feel, i quickly take this edge off it with a joke to make them wonder if i was serious or not. however, if you are feeling extremely insecure in a situation, this is much harder to do, and if you are feeling sooo insecure in it, the chances are its because its really not right, nor will ever be. Very good. Excellent insight. How did you come to know this? By trial and error? also i have known long lasting couples who never started out this way, but however may have been very shy about saying anything at all, which is still mysterious. it doesnt matter what way you play it as long as you dont load on the pressure by stating your feelings. Got it. Spilling your feelings = pressure. I suppose they "know" how you feel when you're just enjoying each other's company with no pressure to feel a certain way. i have gone out with guys who said they wanted nothing serious from me, and just wanted a fwb situation, sounds like no pressure right? but they also told me constantly how wonderful i was and how lucky they felt, THAT is too much pressure. Got it. playing the love game can be fun, and if it doesnt work out, just view it as practise This post needs to be pinned or something. If people understood, it would help a lot. I can basically surmise: Go with the flow. Don't spill your guts or he/she will feel pressured to do the same. Make every interaction as fun/pleasant/light as you can. Heh. I've learned a lot from this post alone. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Very good. Excellent insight. How did you come to know this? By trial and error? trial and error, still trying and erring Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 Well my "boyfriend" comes home today...I will be going to the airport to pick him up. I'm kinda indifferent about his return. I feel like I've come such a long way emotionally these last few months with the distance being there and that I'll forget all about the conclusions I've come to in the last few months I've told him we need to have a serious talk - but it won't be today. This should be an interesting next few days Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 I feel like I'm coming out of my skin here...my "boyfriend" (the cm) is on his way home...I pick him up in less than three hours now. He's called today and asked me several times whats the matter - that I seem "distant" says I've been that way for days - I'm so scared that one of two things are going to happen One I'll snap....I'll go right back to the same old same old even though I've worked through all this enough to know I'm not happy right now Or two I'll snap and just start blurting it all out there in the airport. I'm trying to maintain some kind of calmness here. but as the clock on the wall gets closer to that time that I'm going to SEE him I'm starting to get very nervous. I have so many things I want to say to him but the minute he comes home doesn't seem the time. And then I wonder -- why be so concerned about sparing his feelings - did he ever spare mine? And at least I' m willing to open and honest with him...not have him find out from some other source about how i feel right now. This whole thing is going to be so hard. I do love him but I've come to the conclusion that he will never truely be able to give me what I want in life and I will never be able to trust him to truely give him everything I know I can offer to someone. I'm hoping that when I do finally break all this to him- he will be as understanding as I was the past years and be able to let me go to do this. Given our age difference - if he was younger (he's 50 I'm 31) he may be willing to compromise and meet me somewhere in the middle - but as it is...he's told me more than once - he's stuck in his ways and well one of his ways is a wandering eye. Furthermore- its more than just a wandering eye. In having a talk a few months back he asked me if I was scared by the knowledge when he admitted he'd NEVER been faithful to any woman. At the time - I said I wasn't b/c I would just walk away if it ever happened to me with him ----- as the months have gone on I've realized why should I even bother to give it chance to happen? Why should I set myself up for the heartache? I'm worth more than that And this will be one of thing he and I talk about. That and that I've spent these years fighting FOR him that now I'm just plain worn out- there's no fight left in me to actually try anymore- It all seems to hard. And I'm at a point in my life I want to FEEL secure and I don;t think I'll EVER get that from him Anyway- I've ranted enough for now- I'll keep you guys informed on what happens....Wish me luck Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 Good luck. Holding back your emtions is hard. But remember, he cheated on someone else with you, he'll do the same to you. He doesn't deserve your time. I think you should take a lot of time off to yourself and decide what you want in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 as the months have gone on I've realized why should I even bother to give it chance to happen? Why should I set myself up for the heartache? I'm worth more than that And this will be one of thing he and I talk about. That and that I've spent these years fighting FOR him that now I'm just plain worn out- there's no fight left in me to actually try anymore- It all seems to hard. And I'm at a point in my life I want to FEEL secure and I don;t think I'll EVER get that from him yes, and i think it is absolutely fine to say this to him. its all you need to say, if he has half a brain and a bit of compassion, he should get it Link to post Share on other sites
joodee Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I second what Newwby said. Let me see if I got this straight - he had the gall to say he has a wandering eye and asked if it scared you that he's never been faithful??? And you didn't run after he said that??? Who cares what he feels, care about yourself. Time to let him have it. You'll feel better because you would have then taken care of you and, as someone wrote to me, there will be no ambiguity. He'll know exactly where you stand, and he can then take it or leave it, and then you can move on and know you didn't hide anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 I know....OMG I've feel like a dumba$$ seriously...I thoguht about that conversation I referenced to in that last post the other day and said "WTF????? were you thinking?" I should have let him have it right then and there but when I get around him in person I lose either sight of myself or respect...hell maybe both...now how completely screwed up is that????? Any other man I would have told to take a hike by now- I'm not sure what the hell this power is he has over me but it makes me completlely STUPID! Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 well in a weird twist of fate his flights were so delayed that I didn't pick him up last night. I think he got in very late last night with his daughter picking him up. As it is I talked to him several times yesterday and told him that I had plans to go out Friday night with my friends. Which is the truth- (and no not the nice guy) these are my FEMALE friends He seemed like he couldn't believe it. Saying stuff like I haven't SEEN you and you're going out? I'm sure you'll have more fun with your friends than with me...what are you going to wear...how late will you be??? ETC ETC ETC I didn't bend. I told him yes I was going out. I got thinking about all the times that I had been told he had plans to do something and he couldn't see me. And not just while he was with her - this has been since. But I'm suppose to drop everything just b/c he's home now? My plans don't seem to matter. You know I think maybe I have finally gotten clarity ...god knows it took years but I think I'm finally there. A few months ago I would have broken my plans if I thought for a second he would be upset by me keeping them. Gosh I've wasted so much more than my time when I think about it....I've always said I was a very strong-willed woman and NO ONE told me what to do and yet- here I let this man do it for years....he never actually had to come out and demand I just surrendered I'm not going to mention any plans with him for this weekend and see what happens. I'm not trying to put off seeing him- b/c I know I need to - I have to tell him how I feel. At this point I'm wondering if it's salvageable. I've thought to myself as many times as he's told me what I wanted to hear will I know the difference when I have this talk with him? Right now I think so- I'm feeling strong and I'm fairly certain that I will not be swayed by his charm and silver tongue. I will KNOW if what he says to me holds any merit or if it's just talk and I could never say that before. So right now I feel better than I have in a VERY long time. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 At this point I'm wondering if it's salvageable as in can be saved from ending, or as in can be saved and improved upon? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 When I posted that I thought "be saved and improved upon"....however, today he called and I asked him to dinner and I was told that he needed to see.... that he couldn't give me an answer on dinner and that he had a lot to do at home b/c he'd been gone for so long....when I paused he said well I can see you have an attitude over that so I'll just say goodbye and hung up on me. THE NERVE!!! Who the hell does he think he is...God's gift????? He should be thankful after all the **** he's put me thru that I even give him the time of DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I wrote him an email and told him to forget it basically and that I was done playing his puppy dog that I wasn't going to put up with this **** anymore and I was done- he could whateverthe hell he wanted He called back 10 minutes later and left a message on my phone saying "I love you and I'd love to have dinner with you - just name the time and place and I'll be there and we'll work all this out" I haven't called him back - I figure that should have been his FIRST answer not a last resort....I'm not a child that can be appeased - I know I'll have to talk to him soon anyway - but maybe he needs to stew on this for awhile- It's been about 2 hours since that happened and any other time I would have called back by now...so maybe he'll get it!!! I'm sick of playing games with this man - or any man for that matter. ....They will WANT to be with ME or I'll chose to NOT be with them....I'm worth more and I'm gonna get more one way or another...I've let myself be this mans doormat for too long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in control NOW! Not him and if that means benig alone at least I'll still be in control of ME Link to post Share on other sites
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