ConfusedInOC Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Stick to your guns. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 these men are such babys, they just flit from one tactic to the next til they find the one that works. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 Well I finally took his call- after he kept calling and as always it was full of I'm sorrys and excuses. But never once did I say "that's OK I understand" which is a major first step for me... Instead I told him that I was sick of his **** and he always had something else more important. And of course he says he's sorry for ever making me feel that way and to please just have dinner with him. And I told him it didn;t matter that much to me anymore and he said you know it does and I said well thats where you're wrong b/c trust me it doesn't Then I told him I would but that my daughter would be joinig us---I figured he'd decline but instead said OK we'll all go....strange b/c as I said "We've" never been open in front of her about a relationship other than friendship. But at least he won't be able to pull his normal crap. Yesterday I was nervous today I'm not.... For the first time I'm seeing the wolf instead of the sheep- And I'm not buying into any of it. I want him to see the conviction in my eyes - I think he doubts it - but when he sees me I think he'll understand. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 confused4awhile, i think this is the beginning of the end for you, you start to get more an more disillusioned and less and less impressed, before you know it you realise that the glistening palace was nothing more than a junkyard Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Originally posted by newbby confused4awhile, i think this is the beginning of the end for you, you start to get more an more disillusioned and less and less impressed, before you know it you realise that the glistening palace was nothing more than a junkyard Yep. Seeing him for what he is, instead of what she wants him to be, will definitely change her feelings about him and make it easier for her to move on. Confused, what are you going to do about the "nice guy?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 Thanks for the support guys and I love the reference you made to the palace and the junkyard LMAO The nice guy will remain my friend- no reason for him not to unless he starts looking for more than I can give at the moment. One day when I finally have my head out of my rear and can enter a REAL relationship I may revisit what he and I had if he's still interested. I know realize I'd be lucky to have a boyfriend like that- but I'm not ready for a relationship right now If he moves on he'll continue to be my friend for many years to come and I will be his I'm sure. He's a good guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Well we had dinner last night and it was interesting to say the least. Basically I was very cool and it felt good. No fast beating heart - no overjoyment at seeing him- nothing that I'd been used to in the past. It felt very strange. For the first time ever he just seemed ordinary. He got no welcome home hug upon seeing him and everytime he tried to hold my hand I found a way to not- everytime he tried to kiss me he got my cheek- and all this was not planned out thought by me- they were just my normal reactions to him. At one point he said I cowered from him and asked why. I didn't even realize I was doing it- but I guess I felt like if he touched me I would shatter into a thousand pieces. The feelings I had yesterday were so foreign to me I'm not sure how to describe them. We talked a little bit (when we had a moment without my daughter being there) basically I said things to him like I was so emotionally exhausted with him - that I'd tried so hard in the past and being with him seemed to be such an effort and one I wasnt sure I had the strength to fight for. I also told him that all I had ever wanted from him was to be a part of his life not a piece of it that got fitted in somewhere. I didn't tell him it was over. That is going to take a larger talk I think and one where we can talk openly. But he sensed it for sure. Upon the end of the evening we said our goodbyes and when my daughter got into the car he pulled me to the side and said "I hope you do know how much I love you." to which I replied "NO - I can't say that I ever have. For the first time I'm not disillusioning myself. This is not a fairy tale and I'm not Cinderella." He said "I thought you were Cinderella and that I'd always be your prince. I do love you and we will work all this out. I'm sorry I've ever made you feel this way- it was never my intention. You are my love" I just got into my car...for the first time of the night I felt a crack in the wall I'd created these past months. Something was different in his eyes when he said it- he always hides his emotions very well. Benn that way since I've known him. But last night there was TRUE emotion on his face but I'm going to hold strong....sometimes its just too little too late and I have to remember all the hurt thats been there. Link to post Share on other sites
BoatingBabe Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Confused, Maybe it took the cold shoulder to get him to realize he will lose you forever; and he's just realizing you won't be charmed by him forever. Keep strong and make him beg..and only take him back on YOUR conditions...and you can't give in, otherwise you'll lose your credibility with him and the whole cycle will start all over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by BoatingBabe Confused, Maybe it took the cold shoulder to get him to realize he will lose you forever; and he's just realizing you won't be charmed by him forever. Keep strong and make him beg..and only take him back on YOUR conditions...and you can't give in, otherwise you'll lose your credibility with him and the whole cycle will start all over. I guess thats just it ...I'm wondering is the cold shoulder All I have left for him now- has it all gone to far already. It's not like that was a planned response Besides the fact that I'm tired of "playing" games If it takes head games and tactics to get someones attention and love then why bother. i should be able to get that without having to play games- I want a person that loves me period not one that is hot and cold Link to post Share on other sites
BoatingBabe Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 No, I am not saying you are playing games, you were genuine with your cold response because he has hurt you so much you are resorting to the "preservation of self" mode. He is noticing that it IS genuine, and that's why he had that reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by confused4awhile Well we had dinner last night and it was interesting to say the least. Basically I was very cool and it felt good. No fast beating heart - no overjoyment at seeing him- nothing that I'd been used to in the past. It felt very strange. For the first time ever he just seemed ordinary. He got no welcome home hug upon seeing him and everytime he tried to hold my hand I found a way to not- everytime he tried to kiss me he got my cheek- and all this was not planned out thought by me- they were just my normal reactions to him. At one point he said I cowered from him and asked why. I didn't even realize I was doing it- but I guess I felt like if he touched me I would shatter into a thousand pieces. The feelings I had yesterday were so foreign to me I'm not sure how to describe them. We talked a little bit (when we had a moment without my daughter being there) basically I said things to him like I was so emotionally exhausted with him - that I'd tried so hard in the past and being with him seemed to be such an effort and one I wasnt sure I had the strength to fight for. I also told him that all I had ever wanted from him was to be a part of his life not a piece of it that got fitted in somewhere. I didn't tell him it was over. That is going to take a larger talk I think and one where we can talk openly. But he sensed it for sure. Upon the end of the evening we said our goodbyes and when my daughter got into the car he pulled me to the side and said "I hope you do know how much I love you." to which I replied "NO - I can't say that I ever have. For the first time I'm not disillusioning myself. This is not a fairy tale and I'm not Cinderella." He said "I thought you were Cinderella and that I'd always be your prince. I do love you and we will work all this out. I'm sorry I've ever made you feel this way- it was never my intention. You are my love" I just got into my car...for the first time of the night I felt a crack in the wall I'd created these past months. Something was different in his eyes when he said it- he always hides his emotions very well. Benn that way since I've known him. But last night there was TRUE emotion on his face but I'm going to hold strong....sometimes its just too little too late and I have to remember all the hurt thats been there. Don't cave! You're doing well. You deserve better than him and right now he's scrambling. Just remember all the lies he told you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 I understand what you are saying- honestly the whole thing made me sad only b/c I didn't feel anything and I thoguht to myself OMG I've been with this man so many eyars and have put up with so much and it all comes down to this....now I'm not sure I want him anymore. I think a lot of the women here rejoice or wish to feel the way I'm feeling right now - but to me its a very sad thing b/c i think he may have finally gotten it- but now i'm pretty sure its too late Link to post Share on other sites
BoatingBabe Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by confused4awhile but to me its a very sad thing b/c i think he may have finally gotten it- but now i'm pretty sure its too late And that's how it usually is....tuff luck for him. Remember, you are free and can find love again (and you will) He is still stuck in a marriage that he's unhappy in. He had a choice in making things right for both of you (you AND his wife) and he's made it...and he has to live with it. I think you should be happy...but expect some ass kissing on his part...your heart will tell you where to go from here. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 And that's how it usually is....tuff luck for him. Remember, you are free and can find love again (and you will) He is still stuck in a marriage that he's unhappy in. He had a choice in making things right for both of you (you AND his wife) and he's made it...and he has to live with it. I think you should be happy...but expect some ass kissing on his part...your heart will tell you where to go from here. so true, been there theres nothing wrong with how you are feeling, you give and give and give and they have a technique that works with you, they dont bother changing, dont bother giving back. but the trouble is, that it is still selfish on their part, because they are only doing what works to keep you. in the beginning of a relationship everybody plays a few games, but beyond that you want some depth. if he is only just willing to show you that depth, then maybe its a little too late for you, its only natural that you would cut off your own feelings or just as you say, get drained. relationships take two people to work at them, if only one person is doing the work theyre bound to die. ce la vie, its not your fault Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by confused4awhile I understand what you are saying- honestly the whole thing made me sad only b/c I didn't feel anything and I thoguht to myself OMG I've been with this man so many eyars and have put up with so much and it all comes down to this....now I'm not sure I want him anymore. That's a sign of you finally seeing him for who he really is and not for who you wanted him to be. That's very good! Your self-esteem should take a huge boost that you are respecting yourself, setting boundaries and getting control back. Very, very good! I think a lot of the women here rejoice or wish to feel the way I'm feeling right now - but to me its a very sad thing b/c i think he may have finally gotten it- but now i'm pretty sure its too late I think anyone "rejoicing" in a love lost hasn't a heart. It totally sucks to lose someone you love and care for, but if their love is at your expense, then it's not truly love. It's NEVER too late. You can always go back, but given the way he's treated and disrespected you, you would be dishonoring yourself to take him back. All you'll be doing is rewarding him for his bad behavior and he will have learned that he can treat you like dirt and you'll still take him back. Stick to your guns. Heal yourself. Tell yourself you deserve better. We're here if you need support or want to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 I'm sorry I need to clear this up- He was NEVER married- they were boyfriend and girlfriend and they broke up 6 months ago we have been tryingto make a "real" relationship work here but after the years of waiting in the wings - thats what took its toll I think- he was leaving her for almost 2 years and I was the other woman Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Originally posted by confused4awhile I'm sorry I need to clear this up- He was NEVER married- they were boyfriend and girlfriend and they broke up 6 months ago we have been tryingto make a "real" relationship work here but after the years of waiting in the wings - thats what took its toll I think- he was leaving her for almost 2 years and I was the other woman Yes, married or not, he lied and deceived you many times. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 I not justifing that facts..I know that ..I was simply responding to someones eariler post about him leaving his wife. In this case- he didn't have a wife and even if she was a wife---it is over between them...however not b/c he left her as far as I'm concerned. It's b/c she left him She gave him a choice of me or her or it was over and he said well I'm not giving her up so I guess its over. So really she ended it he didn't. I don;t think he would have had she not pushed the issue Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4awhile Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend, I tried to stay very busy this weekend. Friday evening we had "that" talk and I think it went well. I felt much better having all my feeling out on the table. He was receptive to everything I had to say and I've given him quite a bit to think about. We did not end things- just had a very long ad serious talk. I told him I was not certain about what I was going to do yet. Of course he did say that he WANTED to change and he thought for the first time in a very long time that he could- but he could not make me any promises. At least he was honest. He did admit that he was and had been very selfish (his words not mine) and that he was ready to try and give more of his life. So I have some thinking to do as well. Over the 4 day holiday we had Friday nights talk and he came over for dinner last night and that was it. And both times it was a VERY friendly thing- not romantic- I think we are both just thinking thing through and thats good. All I can say is we'll have to see where it goes now and if WE can make it work. I think HE is very hopeful it will----he made reservations last night while we were sitting there for a weekend trip in a few months- so he must be hopeful and looking to the future...which is more than He's EVER done before. For years the closest thing to "plans" we had could be changed in a matter of moments and was never PLANNED...so maybe just maybe... Link to post Share on other sites
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