Is getting yelled too much by a parent abuse?

[Nabely]

One of my friend's father would yelled at her too much, even for small mistakes (example: accidentally spilling milk on the floor or doing the homework wrong). Even I heard that man yelling when I stopped by for a visit and my friend who was 15 at the time was crying saying she can't stand it anymore.

 

Note: Her father never hit her but yelled at and sometimes with name callings such as ''stupid'' or ''can't you do any f****** thing right, retard'', etc.

 

Now that we're both college student and when she recently addressed this to her father, in his own words ''I never hit you, you were never abused''. The guy actually admitted to having a trouble with his temper but doesn't think yelling is abuse.

[d0nnivain]

Yelling by itself is not abusive. It's a lousy way to communicate but loud volume alone is not enough.

 

 

The things your friend's father yelled -- that is a different story. Demeaning language is abusive. Parents should build their kids up, not call them names. The fact that he didn't hit her doesn't excuse the fact that he undermined her self esteem at every turn.

 

 

I'm not going to condemn some frustrated parent who screamed: "do your homework!" or " clean up your room, now!" as long as that was all that was yelled. The minute the insults come out, lines have been crossed & it's wrong.

[MsJayne]

Most parents who are abusive will deny it if confronted. In fact, calling young people 'stupid', 'retard', etc, often enough can do a lot of long term emotional and psychological damage, just like any other type of bullying. Frequently being yelled at can create enormous anxiety that can be highly distressing to the victim on a day-to-day basis.

 

One of the most difficult aspects of this situation is that the denial of the abuse can cause considerable anger, possibly even more anger than the abuse itself, because the denial is actually just another form of abuse.......it diminishes the victims experience and implies that they imagined it all, which in worst case scenarios can affect the victims perception and make them doubt themselves, and this can wreak havoc in their life if it goes unrecognised.

 

This is called 'gas-lighting' and is something that abusers frequently do to their victims to avoid taking responsibility for their abusive behaviour. This can be made much worse if other family members also join in the denial, and this frequently happens when the main abuser is a person of power within the family unit because other family members are afraid to get on the wrong side of them.

Something for your friend to remember is that emotionally stable, sane adults do not run their kids into the ground, or vent their anger on their children, only an inadequate, incapable parent does this. She is not at fault in any way, just an innocent victim of a bully.

 

 

Dealing with the issue is very difficult. Unfortunately, when parents are so abusive that it causes significant distress, the outcome is often that the victim curtails contact with the whole family because of it, which is yet more unfairness.

 

If your friend is carrying a lot of anger about this then I would suggest, if possible, that she talk to a college counsellor for guidance on how to move forward without letting her father's behaviour impact her and stop her from achieving whatever she wants to. Best of luck : )

Edited May 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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