Broken

[missy6six]

Somehow it all went wrong.

My husband and and I have been together 13 years (married 7 years)

We have been best friends and the couple everyone strives to be.

Somehow I went astray. Without delving into details I ended up in a strictly physical, somewhat complicated sexual affair for an entire year.

The only emotions may have been on my side.

It ended because I just couldn't handle the guilt and betrayal.

My affair partner also thought it was best we part if I was struggling with guilt (he had not emotional attachment)

I want to fix my marriage.

I want it back how it was.

I don't even know how this all started.

I feel broken and empty.

My affair partner was no good for me and yet I feel lost and broken now that it's over.

Will I ever be ok again?

I haven't spoken to a single person about this and sometimes I feel like it is eating me alive.

Now that it's over will I ever feel normal again?

Will my marriage survive?

Will I?

[oldshirt]

Somehow it all went wrong.

My husband and and I have been together 13 years (married 7 years)

We have been best friends and the couple everyone strives to be.

Somehow I went astray. Without delving into details I ended up in a strictly physical, somewhat complicated sexual affair for an entire year.

The only emotions may have been on my side.

It ended because I just couldn't handle the guilt and betrayal.

My affair partner also thought it was best we part if I was struggling with guilt (he had not emotional attachment)

I want to fix my marriage.

I want it back how it was.

I don't even know how this all started.

I feel broken and empty.

My affair partner was no good for me and yet I feel lost and broken now that it's over.

Will I ever be ok again?

I haven't spoken to a single person about this and sometimes I feel like it is eating me alive.

Now that it's over will I ever feel normal again?

Will my marriage survive?

Will I?

 

For us to help you, the details and background and the mechanics are important. What happened, how did it happen, why did it happen, how did it end, what was the impact and where are you wanting to go now?

 

 

A few other things -

 

 

- BS and rugsweeping and putting a coat of shiny on it won't go over here. To get honest advice, you have to be honest with us.

 

 

You DO know how it happened. It was a conscious choice to cheat. It was a conscious choice to continue for a year. There were emotions on your side.

 

 

- You can't go back to what it was and it's obvious you should NOT go back to what it was because you had a year long affair, so you will need to address the conditions and factors that lead you into another man's bed before you can remain in the marriage and ever hope for it to be happy and healthy.

 

 

- Whether your marriage will survive will depend on how you deal with it and the steps you take to correct it.

 

 

- you can't talk yourself out of what you behaved yourself into. In other words it was your behaviors that got you into this, your mouth won't be able to talk yourself out of it.

 

 

So let's start over and you tell us the background and what happened and how it came to pass and where things are currently and where you are wanting to go with this.

 

 

We have all been here a long time and heard countless accounts and you aren't going to be able to gloss over anything or put any sugarcoating on anything. Tell it like it is and level with us and we will level with you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Somehow it all went wrong.

My husband and and I have been together 13 years (married 7 years)

We have been best friends and the couple everyone strives to be.

Somehow I went astray. Without delving into details I ended up in a strictly physical, somewhat complicated sexual affair for an entire year.

The only emotions may have been on my side.

It ended because I just couldn't handle the guilt and betrayal.

My affair partner also thought it was best we part if I was struggling with guilt (he had not emotional attachment)

I want to fix my marriage.

I want it back how it was.

I don't even know how this all started.

I feel broken and empty.

My affair partner was no good for me and yet I feel lost and broken now that it's over.

Will I ever be ok again?

I haven't spoken to a single person about this and sometimes I feel like it is eating me alive.

Now that it's over will I ever feel normal again?

Will my marriage survive?

Will I?

 

Missy...

 

I am a FWW....my husband and i have been in reconciliation for 33 years.

So yes...your marriage can survive....and yes you can feel normal again....

 

I would recommend that you read the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. You can download it and it is only 95 pages long. Read it and think about it.

 

I would also recommend that you confess to your husband...you do not say you have done that...so I am assuming you have not.

 

Your marriage will never be what it once was....it is now forever scarred....HOWEVER...you can recover....and it can be a very wonderful relationship again.

 

Reconciliation takes time, and patience and love...and it is not possible unless both of you are willing to work on it.

 

So read the book....

confess... and get yourself into personal therapy....to help you figure out how you allowed yourself to do this.

 

and give your husband time...because you are about to destroy his life as he knows it.

 

There are many people here on loveshack that will offer you advice....take what you need...and ignore the rest.

 

I have walked in your shoes...I know how you feel....you are scared to death....

 

Do you have a good friend or a relative you can talk to? I talked to my mom....and so did my husband....but you do need someone. I am sending hugs....because i know...you need one.

Edited May 26, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[missy6six]

I know you are right.

After being closed for so long about this I have no idea how to open up now.

I don't know why it started. Boredom? Loneliness?

He was away one weekend and I met someone online.

Yes I sought out someone for something that i thought would happen one time.

It spiralled out of control from there.

I felt desired, alive, sexual.

I knew it would never be anything more and I never wanted it to be.

I feel like I lost myself for a year.

Like I lost grip of reality.

I don't even know why I'm sad it is over.

Maybe I am more sad that it even stared.

I just know that I can't stop crying.

[missy6six]

Missy...

 

I am a FWW....my husband and i have been in reconciliation for 33 years.

So yes...your marriage can survive....and yes you can feel normal again....

 

I would recommend that you read the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. You can download it and it is only 95 pages long. Read it and think about it.

 

I would also recommend that you confess to your husband...you do not say you have done that...so I am assuming you have not.

 

Your marriage will never be what it once was....it is now forever scarred....HOWEVER...you can recover....and it can be a very wonderful relationship again.

 

Reconciliation takes time, and patience and love...and it is not possible unless both of you are willing to work on it.

 

So read the book....

confess... and get yourself into personal therapy....to help you figure out how you allowed yourself to do this.

 

and give your husband time...because you are about to destroy his life as he knows it.

 

There are many people here on loveshack that will offer you advice....take what you need...and ignore the rest.

 

I have walked in your shoes...I know how you feel....you are scared to death....

 

Do you have a good friend or a relative you can talk to? I talked to my mom....and so did my husband....but you do need someone. I am sending hugs....because i know...you need one.

I can't tell him.

That would be the end of everything.

I have no one to talk to and I feel so alone.

But I deserve to feel like this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Read the book

 

And you are going to hear a lot of folks here myself included who are going to tell you that not confessing is the wrong thing to do.

 

Some will tell you that you are doing the right thing.

 

I feel he has a right to know... For many reasons.

 

You have already taken his choice away by committing adultery ... What gives you the right to also not tell him.

 

Who does not telling him help... You or him?

 

This is no longer about you... You already only thought about you ... Now it is time to think about him.

 

Anyway... Yes you deserve how you feel... And the way you feel is nothing compared to how he will feel when he finds out

[SomethingToSay]

"i can't tell him"

 

You mean "I dont want to tell him bc I want to avoid the hard consequences"

 

Look I get it. I wouldn't have the guts either. But the first step here is being completely honest with your self.

[missy6six]

"i can't tell him"

 

You mean "I dont want to tell him bc I want to avoid the hard consequences"

 

Look I get it. I wouldn't have the guts either. But the first step here is being completely honest with your self.

Yes you are right.

Also because there is no way he will ever find out.

I don't want to hurt him.

It is just not something I will do.

It was a mistake and it will not be repeated.

I know some of you feel strongly about telling.

But surely people have gotten through this without?

[vanhalenfan]

IMHO, you need to confess. The foundation of your marriage will be built on disloyalty, lies, and dishonesty. It will have a negative impact on your marriage. You already feel the negative effects...the guilt you are carrying around everyday. Get rid of it and allow your husband his choices. You made your choices already and had your way; allow him the same. If he decides to reconcile, at least then you will be starting on a new foundation with no lies and secrets. Do you really want to carry around this secret for the rest of your life/marriage? That's a huge burden and I can't imagine you will heal properly. Get into counseling for yourself and for your marriage as well. Take care.

[Lady Hamilton]

Telling vs not telling is an entirely personal choice. Both scenarios have distinct negatives and positives and only you can know what works best in your situation.

 

Is reconciliation possible without sharing the details? I'm sure it is, but can you live with not telling?

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes I sought out someone for something that i thought would happen one time.

It spiralled out of control from there.

 

One of may misconceptions you've posted. Cheating one time already indicates a lack of control, no downward spiral needed.

 

Like many WS, you're focused on all the wrong things. Your sadness, anger and shame aren't the central issues here because you're not the victim of anything except your own choices.

 

As far as telling your husband - no one here, after deceiving their spouse and damaging their marriage, lied their way back to a healthy relationship. Think about, if the roles were reversed, what you'd want?

 

It's really not that hard - honesty, transparency, genuine remorse. Try 'em on for size...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Yes you are right.

Also because there is no way he will ever find out.

I don't want to hurt him.

It is just not something I will do.

It was a mistake and it will not be repeated.

I know some of you feel strongly about telling.

But surely people have gotten through this without?

 

You can't be guaranteed he won't find out.

 

Have you considered counseling?

[aliveagain]

Yes you are right.

Also because there is no way he will ever find out.

I don't want to hurt him.

It is just not something I will do.

It was a mistake and it will not be repeated.

I know some of you feel strongly about telling.

But surely people have gotten through this without?

 

You already have hurt him, it's only a matter of time until it is discovered. Regardless of when he finds out his pain will be the same, today, tomorrow or twenty years from now. You and the O/M have had a year to plan for this, your husband will be hit face on like walking into a Mack truck. It was not a mistake, you made a conscious decision to be unfaithful. You with the other man planned and plotted every single betrayal against him together. Adultery takes a lot of planning. As bad as the cheating is to your marriage, continued lying and trickle truth is what will most likely finish it off. Marriages that are based on deception have a much higher failure rate. What if he already suspects, happens here all the time. Chances your marriage will survive if he learns about your affair before you confess are slim to none. Your best hope is to get yourself into counselling and find out why you allowed yourself the approval to cheat, he will need to know that answer from you. The marriage is already over. If you work with other man you need to leave your place of employment immediately. You need to be completely no contact with this man. Protecting this man's identity from your husband will be viewed as still choosing him and your affair over your husband and your marriage. Truth is your best chance.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. Can I confirm my understanding of what you're saying?

 

Because of boredom, loneliness (not sure yet) you went onto....Was it a dating site or more of a Ashley Madison or Craig's List kind of thing? Or was it an 'innocent' gaming site/forum etc where you met your OM?

 

Was it a fantasy thing? Just sleep with a guy over the weekend when your H was away? Was it for the excitement or is there something lacking, something that you feel you can't share with your H?

 

You give the impression that you did develope some feelings for this OM. Did it become an emotional thing? Did you share emails, texts, phone etc? Did you communicate a lot?

 

Did you ever date? Go out for coffee, meals, walks? Could anyone of seen you together?

 

Have either of you confided in anyone about your relationship?

 

There are so many ways to get caught these days. The probability of your H ever finding out can't really be known. You stand a far higher chance of keeping your M if you confess rather than he find out.

 

Did your behavior towards your H change over the year? Did you find yourself grumpy, withdrawn, unaffectionate, rude etc to your H as the A went on? Many people do change a lot while having affairs. Is your H suspicious? How is your relationship at the moment?

 

There's a lot to think about & learn about yourself here. I can only imagine the stress that you're living with. How do you think your H would react if you told him?

[italianjob]

I know you are right.

After being closed for so long about this I have no idea how to open up now.

I don't know why it started. Boredom? Loneliness?

He was away one weekend and I met someone online.

Yes I sought out someone for something that i thought would happen one time.

It spiralled out of control from there.

I felt desired, alive, sexual.

I knew it would never be anything more and I never wanted it to be.

I feel like I lost myself for a year.

Like I lost grip of reality.

I don't even know why I'm sad it is over.

Maybe I am more sad that it even stared.

I just know that I can't stop crying.

 

1. I don't know your husband, he may be codependant enough to stay with you if you confess, but I think there is a very high probability that he will dump you if you tell him.

 

I, for one, would... If a one year affair with someone met online wasn't enough your explanation would make it. You tought it would have happened just once? What kind of mentality is that? You're a married woman, you're not supposed to bang anyone else, not even once. What kind of justification do you think it is?

 

2. It is possible to heal from a betrayal, but not hiding the truth like you plan, it will be a facade and nothing more. On the other hand telling the truth is likely (and should, IMO) to end the marriage, so you're kinda stuck...

 

3.What's more is that the mentality you show here means that if you get out of this unscathed it will just be a matter of months before it happens again, IMO... And again and again and again, until you get sloppy and your H finds out...

 

Jesus, I just hope there are no kids...

[SummerDreams]

Think about, if the roles were reversed, what you'd want?

 

 

Personally I would want to not know. To never find out. Because I have worked hard for this relationship and I consider it stable and for life and if an infidelity ever happened and I found out I'd have to leave him and I don't want to do that. I've invested a lot of my time, myself, my feelings, my soul in this and I won't let some mistakes of this kind destroy it. Just saying this so that I give another point of view for further discussion.

[Satu]

"I WILL get to the other side of this river. I just need to figure out how to walk on water."

 

Thats how realistic your current thinking is.

 

 

Some therapy would help you to untangle your thinking.

 

 

Take care.

[Satu]

double post deleted

[wmacbride]

Being a bs, I am a big advocate for being honest with your spouse.

 

Right now, it sounds like you are spinning all over the place in your mind, and that's not doing anyone any good at all. Try and centre yourself. Stop with all the "I am such a horrible person" talk, as that doesn't help the situation at all.

 

As I said, try and calm your self down a bit and look at the situation.

 

You say your H will never find out. There is no way you can ever be 100% sure of that, especially if the om is also married. You have no way of knowing what he or his bs might do. Even if your former om is single, again, you don't know what he might do.

 

If your H finds out from you, of course he will be crushed and you will have a very difficult road ahead of you, but I can pretty much guarantee it will hurt far less coming from you than him finding out from someone else.

 

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you have developed feelings for this om, along with having had a physical A. Keeping this a secret may well end up poisoning your M and keep it from being an honest place where you feel truly emotionally connected to one another.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I would highly suggest that you seek counseling to try and help you figure out why you deliberately set out to have an affair.

 

You've got a difficult path ahead of you, but you will get through it, one step at a time.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I could have kept my affair a secret....and i knew when i confessed what the consequences might be...and I was very afraid...and i had 2 little babies and no job.

 

But I did what I thought was best...no one knew about my afternoon...except me and the om....I could easily have kept my secret. But there was no cell phone or internet to track....

 

Missy...you met this man online....all of those private messages are out there....and it sounds like you met him over and over again to have a physical relationship with. You plotted and planned...you lied and deceived...so that you could meet him.

 

You did not make a mistake...you made a clear choice....

 

Just like you are making a choice right now...and that choice is to protect yourself. It has nothing to do with protecting your husband....if you wanted to protect your husband...you would never have cheated to begin with.

 

So now...your boyfriend is out of the picture...and you are frightened at the prospect of losing everything. Funny how that works....when you are in the moment....the last thing you think about is that this one thing you are doing can destroy your life...and you do it anyway. I know how that feels...

 

After i crawled out of my AP's bed and into the shower...reality set in....if only i had listened to that voice BEFORE i got into his bed. IF only that guilt eating at my heart had been strong enough BEFORE i willingly met him for lunch.

 

I know all the things reeling through your mind....and they all are about you...self preservation.

 

You can live the rest of your life with your secret....always wondering if he might find out....or you can take responsibility for what you have done...confess....and give your husband back his rights that you took away when you decided to share yourself with another man.

 

See...this whole thing is about you. Even now.

 

and marriage is about the both of you. Marriage is a team...two people working together for the same end goal.

 

You can certainly play on two teams....but it is only fair to let the other team know that their winning has been compromised because you are not committed to the end goal.

 

I have wondered what my life would be like if i had kept my secret...but no one really knows how different life would be had we made other choices...we live life with those choices...good or bad...and we cannot undo the things we have done. But we can become better people and learn from those bad choices.

 

My fear is that if you do not become accountable for this...it will be easier next time...to make the same choice again. I believe that is why it is better to confess.

 

The road to recovery is a hard one to travel...it can be done...but there are certain steps we must do in order to achieve healing.

 

The first is confession...the second is complete transparency....

 

rebuilding trust that has been broken is difficult at best....not just your husbands trust...but your own.

 

You became a very selfish person in order to allow yourself to cheat....and in your present thought process...you remain a selfish person.

 

It is time for you to grow up...and become accountable...and work toward healing yourself and those you have hurt.

 

Please read the Macdonald book...please get yourself into therapy.

and it might even be good to see a lawyer...find out your rights....because even if you don't tell....if he finds out from someone else besides you...you DECREASE the chances of reconciliation.

 

You have many difficult days ahead of you...you need support. Loveshack can be a harsh dose of reality....many people here have been destroyed by people just like you and me.

 

If only you had come here first...if only you had read the stories of the aftermath of infidelity before you made the conscience decision to cheat.

If only I had read the stories first....

 

welcome to your new life

[missy6six]

I thank you all for your responses.

I understand the tough love and i deserve everything some of you have said

I am not sure I should have posted here yet.

I feel like I am spinning out of control and all I can do is cry right now.

I wish I had someone I could talk to and I don't know where to turn which is how I ended up here

And yes I know I deserve to feel like this.

[aliveagain]

There are a lot of betrayed people on the infidelity forum. We will tell you how to help you fix your soul and point out what we would need to help you to fix what you broke. What you won't get here is information on how to compartmentalize better so you can take your infidelity with you to your grave. You may want to try posting in the other man/other woman forum where there are many that are still deep in their affairs that can tell you how to carry your guilt better. Knowing these things will not save you, your marriage or your family. You are still grieving for the man that helped you destroy what you had, your still in your affair because your trying to find the lazy way out. This is all about saving your a$$.

[Bryanp]

Wait. You had a physical sexual affair for a year putting your husband

at risk for STD's and you feel that you do not want to be honest with your

husband. This just continues your lack of respect and compassion for your husband. I doubt that you would feel this way if the roles were reversed. Am I wrong?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Take it to your grave, and never do it again.

[S2B]

I thank you all for your responses.

I understand the tough love and i deserve everything some of you have said

I am not sure I should have posted here yet.

I feel like I am spinning out of control and all I can do is cry right now.

I wish I had someone I could talk to and I don't know where to turn which is how I ended up here

And yes I know I deserve to feel like this.

 

Well now Misssy, it's time to stop crying and consider your husband's feeling in this role you've put him in.

 

Have some compassion for him - think outside yourself.

 

You need someone to talk to you go see a counselor that can give you professional guidance.