Broken

[Satu]

snip

I feel like I am spinning out of control and all I can do is cry right now.

Crying is probably the best thing you can do in this moment.

 

Don't resist the tears.

 

After you've cried your tears, you'll be able to think more clearly.

 

 

Take care.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I thank you all for your responses.

I understand the tough love and i deserve everything some of you have said

I am not sure I should have posted here yet.

I feel like I am spinning out of control and all I can do is cry right now.

I wish I had someone I could talk to and I don't know where to turn which is how I ended up here

And yes I know I deserve to feel like this.

 

Well, you do have someone to talk to about this. Your husband. Also get into therapy.

 

But honestly i dont know how you plan to keep this a secret. I know instantly when something is bothering my wife. You think he wont pick up on your sadness and press and press until he finds the source of your unhappiness? I know i would. Unsatisfactory answers would only make me suspicious.

[Mr. Lucky]

Take it to your grave, and never do it again.

 

Personally I would want to not know. To never find out.

 

I have an in-law who found out in his 50's that the man who he'd thought was his father actually wasn't, it was another family member. For her own reasons, his Mom kept the information from him. This revelation shook him to his core, he felt his entire life had been a lie and he'd been denied a relationship (the actual Dad had passed away) he'd have liked to have had. The "secret" ended up tearing apart his family, there's folks he won't talk to to this day.

 

The truth will make itself known and you can be on the right side of that disclosure - or not. I don't see how anyone can feel that continuing the deception post affair that characterized its active period is a healthy way to recover your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Neil711]

If it is truly over, will never happen again, and you can fix your marriage without him finding out I think not telling is an option. My wife had an EA, but "figured it out" months before I found out. I wish she had just gotten rid of anything that would have clued me in, suggested marriage counseling, and talked to me about OUR problems. Instead I found out and then went digging. Found a lot. It hurt like nothing I've ever known, and there was never a physical affair.

 

If you go that route you must, and I mean must, get rid of anything that could clue him in. Internet history, searches, emails, facebook activity, phone voice commands, everything. Then you have to get to counseling and reinvent hour marriage.

 

I would never have stayed with my wife had it been a physical affair, especially if it lasted an entire year. One night stands are easier to get past.

 

I'm not saying this is the right thing to do. Just saying I could see it as an option under certain circumstances.

[Mrs. John Adams]

A year of lying and deceit and plotting and planning is hard to cover up... Especially in this day and age...especially a relationship that started via the Internet.

 

It is hard to make sure all of those tracks have been wiped out.

 

And if she is as heartbroken and crying as she says she is... It would be hard for her husband not to notice. If he asks... Will you lie some more?

 

And how long will you be able to keep this up?

 

I will admit... You must be pretty good at hiding things from him if you engaged in a year long affair... And he has no suspicions something is wrong

[aliveagain]

You can't control other people, someone saw you, a receipt will be found, a hotel will solicit more business or thank you for using their facility, men brag about conquests and betrayed O/M will sometimes try to break up your marriage so he can have you to himself by contacting your husband and telling him the truth. Sometimes people hack a website(as happened on Ashley Madison) and expose everyone to the world. No secret is a secret forever.

[Clay]

I have an in-law who found out in his 50's that the man who he'd thought was his father actually wasn't, it was another family member. For her own reasons, his Mom kept the information from him. This revelation shook him to his core, he felt his entire life had been a lie and he'd been denied a relationship (the actual Dad had passed away) he'd have liked to have had. The "secret" ended up tearing apart his family, there's folks he won't talk to to this day.

 

The truth will make itself known and you can be on the right side of that disclosure - or not. I don't see how anyone can feel that continuing the deception post affair that characterized its active period is a healthy way to recover your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I read a post a couple years back where a father had to have a medical procedure on his daughter who was around 17 years old. Her mother was out of town and they asked to test him while trying to diagnosis her illness. He learned his daughter was not his. Once his wife arrived home he packed up and never came back. This destroyed the child completely. The poster said that it had been seven years and she has never heard from him since. People think they can hide these things for ever and it will only hurt them. That's the selfish part of there thinking.

 

If her husband learns about this on his own I doubt seriously she will have the chance to save the marriage like she has now.

 

I personally doubt she will ever say anything.

 

C

[Got it]

Missy, if you were wanting to divorce, okay, can see the discussion on not telling. But if you want to improve the marriage, this is a major albatross to have in the middle of it. And you need to do the work to figure out why and how you did it. I have had an affair as well and there are all conscious steps and decisions you made every day. You have to work on owning it and then understanding it.

 

And in regards to not finding out, my husband found out about his ex wife's affair because an email from her account started printing when he turned the home computer on. Completely random and the email, describing everything, literally fell into his lap. It was years later and while he felt something was up during that time period never imagined it was what it was.

 

Get into therapy and talk to a professional and see how they advise you. It is a very rough time right now, I know, but you will get through this.

[S2B]

Obviously something is missing in your marriage. How do you plan to address those issues and fix them?

[Mr. Lucky]

I've invested a lot of my time, myself, my feelings, my soul in this and I won't let some mistakes of this kind destroy it. Just saying this so that I give another point of view for further discussion.

 

Getting Diet Coke instead of Regular Coke is a mistake.

 

A year-long affair such as the OP describes is a calculated and deliberate set of choices and decisions. It indicates an established thought process that, at the very least, discloses different values than are normally held by a faithful spouse.

 

How does one flip that switch overnight from addicted, affair fogged WS to faithful wife?? Were it that simple, everyone from alcoholics to folks struggling with weight would simply change their thinking and behavior. Easier said than done and any spouse paying attention will see what you're going through...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited May 26, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

[Liam1]

Personally I would want to not know. To never find out. Because I have worked hard for this relationship and I consider it stable and for life and if an infidelity ever happened and I found out I'd have to leave him and I don't want to do that. I've invested a lot of my time, myself, my feelings, my soul in this and I won't let some mistakes of this kind destroy it. Just saying this so that I give another point of view for further discussion.

 

Missy:

 

IMO, do NOT tell your spouse, if you know that there is very little chance he will find out.

 

It is obvious this was just a fling and you love your spouse.

 

If you think there is a high likelihood that he will find out on his own or through someone who saw you two together, it is likely better to tell him before someone else does.

 

With that said, I had an affair and our marriage has survived.

 

My Fiance in my 20s, had an affair and I forgave her and our relationship survived until she ended it, later, for reasons not related to her affair. We remained friends, afterward until she moved to another country.

 

Still, most men have very delicate egos and tend to take a sexual infidelity very very hard.

 

As far as will you be okay. You will. You are likely having withdrawal symptoms related to missing the good feelings the affair gave you.

 

You seem to realize it was all just an infatuation, though, and that is a good thing, IMO.

 

I told my wife, and it turned out to be a good thing because my FOW started to stalk me and my wife. So, she would have found out, anyway.

 

But men rarely stalk their FOW.

 

So, if you do not think he will find out, if you know that no close friends saw you two together, take Summer dream's advice, and mine and do NOT tell him.

[Liam1]

If it is truly over, will never happen again, and you can fix your marriage without him finding out I think not telling is an option. My wife had an EA, but "figured it out" months before I found out. I wish she had just gotten rid of anything that would have clued me in, suggested marriage counseling, and talked to me about OUR problems. Instead I found out and then went digging. Found a lot. It hurt like nothing I've ever known, and there was never a physical affair.

 

If you go that route you must, and I mean must, get rid of anything that could clue him in. Internet history, searches, emails, facebook activity, phone voice commands, everything. Then you have to get to counseling and reinvent hour marriage.

 

 

I agree with this Neil, and as you are a betrayed spouse, the advice is all the more valuable, IMO.

 

Yes. She needs to get rid of anything that might out her.

 

If no mutual friends or relatives saw them in a compromising situation...and that means holding hands or kissing, or checking into a hotel... not just eating in a restuarant together, he will likely never find out.

 

It seems as if she is over him, despite missing the affair high but nothing more.

[BettyDraper]

So you are so remorseful but you are thinking of hiding your misdeeds from your husband? That doesn't add up for me.

 

An affair doesn't "just happen". You cannot trip and fall into someone's bed. When you own up to your actions instead of playing the victim, you will find it easier to deal with the consequences.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why would anyone recommend lying to their spouse as an acceptable answer?

 

If she is going to get a divorce...then I agree...there is no need to tell him...however...there are those here who believe that he has a right to know regardless...so he can too have closure.

 

But this woman...put her husband and her family at risk for over a year. She planned every encounter...she admitted that it was complicated....this took planning and calculating and plotting. This was no one night stand where she got drunk and found herself in someone's bed. This was cold and heartless sneaking behind her husbands back to have sex with her lover.....who she admits she was emotionally involved with.

 

This is a whole lot of wrong on many levels....and advising her to continue to be deceitful ....while trying to put her relationship back together goes against any book or therapy I have EVER heard of.

 

She is going to do what she wants to do...but she has come here asking for help in saving her broken marriage. You do not save a broken marriage by building it on lies. The foundation of this marriage is already crumbling....you cannot fix it with lies and deceit.

 

Some folks here believe that their marriages are stronger after an affair...but even in THOSE marriages...the affair was disclosed.

 

I have told my husband...if he has another affair...I do not want to know...so I totally get that mindset...but you see...her husband did not get the chance to tell her that is what he prefers. She is yet again making that decision for him...just like she made the decision to cheat for a freaking year.

 

He has a right to be tested for STD's...he has a right to make the decision if he wants to continue in a relationship with a cheater...he has the right to seek legal advice...and therapy....and all the things that SHE will be able to pursue BECAUSE SHE KNOWS!!!!

 

SO in addition to screwing around on him for a year....behind his back...now she gets to seek legal advice...she gets to take money out of the savings account....she gets to go to a therapist...she gets to continue to make a mockery of her marriage...and all the while...he KNOWS NOTHING

 

Somebody tell me how this is fair? or tell me how this is RIGHT?

 

I do not get it.....

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Ill just say this to some of the responses about keeping it a secret... what is the purpose of your relationship?

 

What i mean is relationships, particularly life partners is easily the hardest thing ive ever worked for in my life. Kids are extremely difficult, but in comparison to my M, raising my kids is a cake walk! My M is the most difficult thing i can imagine. I can be a complete eff up and my kids will still love me. It takes more work than anything else i can possibly think of to maintain a healthy M. Work on both sides.

 

When i look at what we have been through together and what it means to be in a M, I feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. I want to be able to look back at our lives together on my death bed (if im lucky to have one) and feel that same sense of pride and accomplishment. So what are you working for? Putting in all that hard work a M offers, blood sweat and tears. All for a sham? What the hell is the point in all that?

 

Either be honest and try for a R, or get a divorce. Why put in all that work for something with so little meaning? It just doesnt compute for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

If no mutual friends or relatives saw them in a compromising situation...and that means holding hands or kissing, or checking into a hotel... not just eating in a restuarant together, he will likely never find out.

 

How would she know this if this had happened for certain?

 

How would she know whether every digital, audio or written scrap of recoverable information had been deleted?

 

You can tell or be told on. Nether is pleasant but one is more manageable....

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey born raised]

It sounds as if your AP was a bit of a dominate.

[ShatteredLady]

I can only imagine what you're going through. Sometimes the pain & destruction we cause ourselves is the hardest to recover mentally & emotionally from.

 

I hope you're still reading.

 

This may seem like a huge mistake. I don't think for one moment you posted here to be bashed so much but this is the BEST place to be to reconcile your marriage. I doubt it seems like it at the moment but keep reading & keep posting & it will move forward.

 

**If your first step is completely removing the OM (other man) from your life then NC (no contact) is the best action. Many people post their struggles with NC on the OW/OM forum here. There are many people going through the same things as you.

 

They post from DAY 1 onwards & others support & help them stay strong, work out exactly what they want & need to completely rid themselves of the affair partner. I'd advise starting a thread there too. That way you can deal with 'both sides of the coin'.

 

Infidelity forum - analyzing & working on your marriage.

 

Ow/OM forum - analyzing your affair & how to recover.

 

I understand why you're currently posting 'bullet point' type information. The more you open-up with your motivations & feelings the more we can understand & help. That's why I asked those questions on page 1.

 

You're not alone. There are many ladies in a very similar place to you on the other forum.

 

As I said, I believe that the pain we bring on ourselves & others can be even harder to deal with than the pain inflicted upon us. I do feel for you. I truly do. They call it the "affair fog" for a reason. I think the fog can be like an anasthetic as it wears off the true magnitude of what you've done comes crashing in.

 

Take care of yourself. Eat, drink (plenty of water) & try to sleep. Go to your doctor if you need to. Taking medications (antidepressants, anxiety meds & sleeping pills) for a short time can help a lot. Try to get out side in the sun everyday & try to exercise. Some swear by yoga...even if it just stops you thinking about things for an hour can be invaluable.

 

I hope you're still reading here. I think you desperately need help. I'm sorry if this has been too much, too soon.

[pheonixrisen]

Yes you are right.

Also because there is no way he will ever find out.

I don't want to hurt him.?

 

Don't be so sure of that ...There was no way for me to find my h affair ...I had no clue nor a doubt my h was in an affair till I accidentally came upon it 18 months 17 days later ...

 

literally we kissed and hugged that day as he was leaving for work he looked me right in the eye like he did everyday and said he loves me ...little did I know in another hour Bam ...my whole world was going to turn up side down

 

you never know how these things come out

Edited May 27, 2016 by pheonixrisen

[missy6six]

I'm still reading but this all really hard for me to process.

I will not be contacting other man ever.

I have deleted his number, and he has blocked mine for the best.

There is no chance anyone has ever seen us together.

i feel like I haven't explained myself well

I'm not sure I know how to.

I'm not sure it even matters what I say.

[ShatteredLady]

Missy. Have you been reading the OW/OM forum? Do you see similarities between those ladies stories & yours?

[wmacbride]

I'm still reading but this all really hard for me to process.

I will not be contacting other man ever.

I have deleted his number, and he has blocked mine for the best.

There is no chance anyone has ever seen us together.

i feel like I haven't explained myself well

I'm not sure I know how to.

I'm not sure it even matters what I say.

 

You're still spinning your wheels and feeling out of control.

 

Start by taking a deep breath and trying to calm your mind down. It may feel like this is all out of your control now, but in some ways , you do have a lot of say over what will happen next.

 

Start with the baby step of getting through today. figure out what you want to have happen and how you will achieve that. Tomorrow, rinse and repeat.

 

The way you choose to move forward in your life will determine what sort of marriage you will have. While I am a huge advocate for being honest with your H about your A, I would also suggest you give yourself a few days to find a place of calmness within yourself before you do.

 

You have been making some huge decisions about his life for him, and i;s time to stop doing that and give him the knowledge he needs to decide for himself. I know that's really frightening, but you are stronger than you think. you have it in you to be honest.

[ShatteredLady]

Missy. QUOTE -

 

"Like I lost grip of reality.

I don't even know why I'm sad it is over.

Maybe I am more sad that it even stared.

I just know that I can't stop crying."

 

 

If you continue to feel this out of control PLEASE remember that your doctor can help you. The short term use of medications can help you get your thoughts in order.

 

Having no one to talk to is incredibly isolating. Therapy could really help.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Perhaps it would be good for you to start at the beginning and tell the story.

Sometimes we need to get things into proper perspective.

 

You have only shared bits and pieces...yet you are still here and still seem to want help.

 

You are not the other woman...so I am not sure the other woman forum is what you are looking for.

 

and no one here is bashing you or trying to hurt you.

 

You have asked for help....and each one here is trying to tell you what they have been through...none of us are therapists or dr.'s...we are telling you what we have experienced....what we have learned.

 

I will repeat again...read the macdonald book....make an appointment with a therapist....and talk to a trusted friend or relative.

 

You do not need to jump into anything immediately....but you do need help....and your best bet is to find a therapist.

 

Do you have a pastor you can talk to?

can you call HR at work and ask for a recommendation for a family therapist?

Do you have a friend that has used a therapist? or a relative? You don't have to tell them why...just that you need to sort some things out.

 

the most important thing right now is to get some therapy to help you sort things out and think more clearly.

 

You have suffered trauma...you have suffered rejection...you are afraid ...you need someone you can talk to that has your best interest at heart....

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like I am spinning out of control and all I can do is cry right now.

 

What does your husband think is going on with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky