Broken

[S2B]

What does your husband think is going on with you ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is usually what tips a betrayed spouse off... Emotions that are unexplainable.

 

I hope you will see a professional to sort through your emotions and get some strength.

 

Please take care.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I agree I just dont see how you hide this. My wife can walk in the door after work and instantly i know exactly what kind of day she had. She can put on a smile, try and act normal, but damnit i dont know why she thinks she can fool me after this long together. It literally takes a split second and just me looking at her to know if she is upset. I dont for a second think this is uncommon amongst spouses with some time in. Pretty sure this is universal. So how do you plan on hiding this?

[missy6six]

I am out of town right now

I only saw him briefly before I left.

I keep going through ups and downs of emotion.

I have also read some of the OM/OW posts as suggested and find I can related to some of them even though I am not the OW.

Maybe I will post there as well.

I know you all think I'm a terrible person.

But I really am not.

I know that doesn't change what I have done but if I could take it all back I would do so in a heartbeat.

[italianjob]

I know you all think I'm a terrible person.

 

I don't think you're a terribile person. I DO think you're a terribile partner, but that's different thing. There's a lot of girls and women whose social company I like, but wouldn't touch with a stick sa a partner.

 

Not because of the affair in itself, affairs, sadly, can happen to most of us, we are all exposed to temptations and can make a wrong decision.

 

But affairs have facts, but also a philosophy behind them, a way of thinking that truly shows if what we did was a wrong decision or something different.

In your case:

 

Yes I sought out someone for something that i thought would happen one time.

It spiralled out of control from there.

 

This means you normally think that it's no big deal to step out of the marriage from time to time, as long as it's once in a while. That's how you see it. And also why I wouldn't want you sa a wife. I have a different view in relationships and marriages.

 

This is also what, IMO, will do you in, in the end.

Because, you see, this fear will pass, you'll start to feel safe you're not getting caught, and some day you'll feel bored and lonely again, and since you think there is nothing inerently wrong with it...

 

Maybe it's time to discover if your husband feel s like you or not on this matter. If you don't have children maybe you should before you bring someone else into the family.

[ladydesigner]

(((Missy6six))) I think you should talk to your own therapist right now. I can feel your fear through your post. I think you sound remorseful more remorseful than most WS's after an A has ended and with no DDay. Keep NC with the OM if you want to save your M. I suggest reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass too.

 

Work on yourself more importantly

[Cloudcuckoo]

It sounds to me as if you have a bit of depression dear girl.

 

A GP visit might help you amongst all the tumultuous nature of your current demise.

 

You've been offered some very sound advice from some very astute people here who have worn the fallout of bad decisions by they're other halves.

 

It is not the intention of anyone to persecute your poor choices, rather to persuade you to acquire the clarity necessary to make better decisions and choices for a healthier you in the future.

 

Have courage. You know in your heart of hearts what the right thing to do is.

 

Let go of your fear of the outcome. That you have no control over.

 

Wishing you courage and a brighter future.

 

Cuckoo.

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is a huge difference in remorse and regret. I believe with all of my heart that you regret what has happened.

 

But remorse only comes when you put yourself in your husbands place and act in his best interest....putting all thoughts of your own pain aside and concentrating on his pain. You cannot do that if you do not tell him what you have done and given him the chance to make the best decisions for HIM. Remorse is difficult to comprehend...and even harder to implement.

 

The Glass book is a good recommendation as well...it is a long read...but worth it.

 

You have done well in blocking your ex lover and going no contact. Take the next step...get professional help.

[Bryanp]

I think you need to keep asking yourself:

1. Does your husband deserve this?

2. Would your husband do this to you what you

have been doing to him?

3. Would your husband have put you at risk for STD's

for a year? I do hope you have been tested.

 

I agree that you are not a horrible person just a horrible partner.

How you treat the people who love you defines who you are as a person.

[Clay]

I am not really on the same boat as other people here I guess. I understand your clearly not ready to take ownership of what you have done to your husband and your marriage. Maybe Some of the others are right counseling is probably the best course of action. As to if your a good person or not I just don't see it the same way. Your a bad person until your ready to accept ownership of your actions. Once that is done you can do the hard work it takes to heal yourself and possibly your marriage if it should survive. Sure telling him might be the end of your marriage but that is the chance you take when you cheat on someone. As children we are our taught to be kind and considerate. We are told to treat others the way we would like to be treated. The only thing your doing at this point in time is saying you only want to protect yourself. This is the way cheaters think and until they get passed this point and start owning there horrible choices that is not going to change.

 

Pay close attention to Mrs.John Adams. Read ever one of her post two or three times and let it sink in. She has been on your side of the fence and she has successfully over came all the odds. There are only a few WS's I have ever seen on these sites that I think really get it. She is one of them.

 

Your husbands deserves you to look out for his best interest just like he did yours while you were cheating on him. Do the right thing. Get into counseling and tell him. Give him the choice to see what he wants to do with his life. If you own up to this yourself you never know. You both might actually be able to work together and save your marriage.

 

You might be right to look on the OM/OW threads. They will support your way of thinking better than people that actually want to work on there relationships.

 

C

[Liam1]

I am out of town right now

I only saw him briefly before I left.

I keep going through ups and downs of emotion.

I have also read some of the OM/OW posts as suggested and find I can related to some of them even though I am not the OW.

Maybe I will post there as well.

I know you all think I'm a terrible person.

But I really am not.

I know that doesn't change what I have done but if I could take it all back I would do so in a heartbeat.

 

{{{{{{{{{{{Missy:}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

I do not think you are a terrible person. IMO, no one can judge another person without living that person's life.

 

Your life is not their life and what worked for them may or may not work for you.

 

It sounds as if your affair might have taken place while you were out of town.

 

If the affair was conducted out of town, and if you were discreet and savvy about using an online only based email account, it is very unlikely your spouse will find out.

 

I have talked to older men whose wives have died and they have told me of affairs they had for years that their wives never found out about because they said they were discreet.

 

Personally, I think it's better not to confess. What your spouse does not know can not hurt him.

 

Knowing will introduce many problems into your marriage. It's over so why cause him unnecessary pain?

 

But as others suggested individual counseling will help, if only to figure out what you felt was missing in your marriage, if anything.

[katielee]

if only to figure out what you felt was missing in your marriage, if anything.

 

people don't have affairs because something is missing in their marriage. They have affairs because they're broken, entitled and selfish.

[Liam1]

(((Missy6six))) I think you should talk to your own therapist right now. I can feel your fear through your post. I think you sound remorseful more remorseful than most WS's after an A has ended and with no DDay. Keep NC with the OM if you want to save your M. I suggest reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass too.

 

Work on yourself more importantly

 

I think this is a good suggestion. The counselor is intelligent and knows there are two sides to ever story. Counselors are educated and she/he will not think you are a terrible person, unless she is a terrible counselor and and person, too.

 

There are a lot of wounded people on this forum so the relationship forum might be a better place to post to get constructive advice that is more neutral.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Liam1

[aliveagain]

You still have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday, you can't run and hide from yourself. This hole in your soul grows bigger everyday and the longer it takes you to tell him the truth the less chance reconciliation will be possible. One day you will have to explain this to him because the truth always finds it's way into the light, just ask the ten's of thousands of us on this site who found out about their spouse's infidelity(every single one of our cheating wives/husbands never expected to get caught yet here we are). Your credibility diminishes everyday that passes, listen to the people that went through it not the one's that haven't been caught yet. Get counselling help for yourself, this is your life and there is a life changing problem in it that you will only have one chance to fix it the right way and your still thinking like a cheating wife. That's how you got here, were telling you how to get out.

[Liam1]

I'm not sure it even matters what I say.

 

{{{{{{{{{{Missy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

It matters to a lot of caring people. IMO, you are on the wrong forum.

 

The OW/OM forum would be a better place to post.

 

If people are insulting you, you can block them. This way you do not even see their postings, anymore

Edited May 27, 2016 by Liam1

[SummerDreams]

What I see is a woman who has made a mistake and has regretted it and she punishes herself more than anything else that would happen. What she is thinking is, I am torturing myself by paying my own mistakes (guilt), why should I make my H hurt as well? This is a good point of view. At the moment her H is ignorant and happy. She wants to let him be happy and pay the whole price herself. Can we tell when her H would be more miserable, by knowing the truth or by staying in a marriage of lies?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I did not see anyone insult her Liam but you don't know because you have most of us blocked who disagree with your newest point of view.

 

When you first started posting here .. You sang a different tune.

 

You are not the only one here who cares about this young lady... Most of us care or we would not take the time to try to help her.

 

In my very first post I told her there would be differing points of view.... And to take those comments that can help her and ignore the rest.

 

It can be said on every thread...

 

Some folks enjoy inciting others and have learned to do so and stay under the radar of the moderators.

 

My intent is to help... I have walked this same road ... I am a fww... And I have 33 years of reconciliation under my belt

 

Her main concern was salvaging her marriage... My advice is geared toward that goal.

 

The longer she waits to tell her husband .. The more he has a chance to find out.. And the odds lessen for successful reconciliation.

 

It is a fact.

 

She clearly is upset and needs professional help someone who has her best interest at heart.

 

She has been given books to read that can help her.

She has not responded in any way that she has done anything yet toward getting help except to read Loveshack.

 

Many people here have given very good advice.

[italianjob]

Yes I sought out someone for something that i thought would happen one time.

It spiralled out of control from there.

 

 

What I see is a woman who has made a mistake

 

A mistake? It doesn't sound like she tought or thinks cheating was or is a mistake...

 

In her opinion the mistake was carrying it on for a year, not getting some strange... In my opinion the mistake was getting married while still feeling entitled to get some strange when you feel like it...

 

 

 

why should I make my H hurt as well? This is a good point of view. At the moment her H is ignorant and happy. She wants to let him be happy and pay the whole price herself. Can we tell when her H would be more miserable, by knowing the truth or by staying in a marriage of lies?

 

So, she knows, instead?

 

Seriously, you're writing that she's doing this for hubby, so he's happy and not to cover her ass? Are you for real?

 

[SummerDreams]

@Mrs. John Adams

 

Just want to comment; the fact that this worked for you (and I'm glad it did!) does not mean it will work for everyone. There are many people (including me) who do not want to know the truth if this happens to them. I'm putting myself in OP's husband shoes and I honestly do not want to know the truth IF my H really wants to work things on our marriage and this was something that will never happen again and this was only something physical. Why throw many years of relationship and marriage to the garbage for something that meant nothing?

[wmacbride]

What I see is a woman who has made a mistake and has regretted it and she punishes herself more than anything else that would happen. What she is thinking is, I am torturing myself by paying my own mistakes (guilt), why should I make my H hurt as well? This is a good point of view. At the moment her H is ignorant and happy. She wants to let him be happy and pay the whole price herself. Can we tell when her H would be more miserable, by knowing the truth or by staying in a marriage of lies?

 

 

There is a huge assumption that H is happy. How does anyone know this?

He could sense that something is wrong, and may be wondering what it is, especially now when the op sounds like she is really going through a difficult time.

 

If this is he case, he will be suffering and blaming himslef, wondering why his w is distant and sad. She will have to be ne hell of a good actor to pull this off, and I'm getting the sense form her posts that she isn't.

 

A counselor will be able to provide her with a lot of help and support so that she an get through this. Everyone ha an inner strength that they might not realize. A professional counselor will be able to hep her find hers.

[Mrs. John Adams]

@Mrs. John Adams

 

Just want to comment; the fact that this worked for you (and I'm glad it did!) does not mean it will work for everyone. There are many people (including me) who do not want to know the truth if this happens to them. I'm putting myself in OP's husband shoes and I honestly do not want to know the truth IF my H really wants to work things on our marriage and this was something that will never happen again and this was only something physical. Why throw many years of relationship and marriage to the garbage for something that meant nothing?

 

I read your earlier post where you expressed this same sentiment. I understand you do not want to know... Neither do I.

 

I am not spewing advice based solely on my own reconciliation... I did many many things wrong.

 

In most cases ... It is better to disclose the infidelity .. Not all cases... But in most.

 

My concentration is for this young lady to get therapy to help her sort this out....

I have said so many times.

[wmacbride]

@Mrs. John Adams

 

Just want to comment; the fact that this worked for you (and I'm glad it did!) does not mean it will work for everyone. There are many people (including me) who do not want to know the truth if this happens to them. I'm putting myself in OP's husband shoes and I honestly do not want to know the truth IF my H really wants to work things on our marriage and this was something that will never happen again and this was only something physical. Why throw many years of relationship and marriage to the garbage for something that meant nothing?

 

So how exactly, can one work on their marriage without knowing all the factors that are affecting it?

 

If , as we are told, time and time again my many ws, an A happens because of some problem in the M, how can that be addressed if both parties don't have all the information?

 

There is also zero way to guarantee her H will never, ever find out. The om could , down the road, decide to try and contact op again. Her H may be suspicious and do some snooping. He may not be suspicious and stumble across evidence. where she was sleeping with the om- that's how I found out- , she could have caught an STD that she will pass along to her H. It could even be that some night, the op will have a few drinks some night and blurt out the truth, or it could come out down the road inadvertently in the middle of a fight.

 

In the end, it boils down to what sort of person the op wants to be. I'm getting the sense from her distress that she is, at heart, an honest person, and this will eat away at her and her M. Protecting the lie may, in the end, do far more damage than telling the truth ever could.

[lemondrop21]

As an OW my opinion is regarded as less valid here, but you say you relate to some of the stuff on the OW forum... And on a side note, you could have just as easily been classified as an OW/MW if you had chosen a married man to have your affair with. Since it was purely physical, seems like the decision to be with a single OM was more a matter of arbitrary availability than anything.

 

Anyway, there are multiple opinions about whether or not to disclose and I don't think it's wrong of you to consider your options. Sure, read the Glass book, but also the Kirschenbaum book, and any other books that pique your interest. Talk to more than one counselor if you need to, in order to find someone who is working with you to help you discover the right path for you. It seems to me like you'll be dealing not only with the question of disclosure, but also why you were tempted to physically stray and how you intend to address that in the future. Can you and your husband meet each other's needs sexually? And so on.

 

Beating yourself up is a futile activity at this point. You clearly regret the affair, and since you had no emotional attachment to OM, I don't think you'll get as bad of "affair withdrawals" as many describe. So, today is the first day of figuring out how to move on from here. OP, I think you sound like a good person who has made some bad choices. Best of luck to you.

[aliveagain]

As an OW my opinion is regarded as less valid here, but you say you relate to some of the stuff on the OW forum... And on a side note, you could have just as easily been classified as an OW/MW if you had chosen a married man to have your affair with. Since it was purely physical, seems like the decision to be with a single OM was more a matter of arbitrary availability than anything.

 

Anyway, there are multiple opinions about whether or not to disclose and I don't think it's wrong of you to consider your options. Sure, read the Glass book, but also the Kirschenbaum book, and any other books that pique your interest. Talk to more than one counselor if you need to, in order to find someone who is working with you to help you discover the right path for you. It seems to me like you'll be dealing not only with the question of disclosure, but also why you were tempted to physically stray and how you intend to address that in the future. Can you and your husband meet each other's needs sexually? And so on.

 

Beating yourself up is a futile activity at this point. You clearly regret the affair, and since you had no emotional attachment to OM, I don't think you'll get as bad of "affair withdrawals" as many describe. So, today is the first day of figuring out how to move on from here. OP, I think you sound like a good person who has made some bad choices. Best of luck to you.

 

This, this, this. You will need professional help dealing with this. Most will tell you even if you don't think so, your betrayed spouse has noticed a change in you over the past year.

[wmacbride]

As an OW my opinion is regarded as less valid here, but you say you relate to some of the stuff on the OW forum... And on a side note, you could have just as easily been classified as an OW/MW if you had chosen a married man to have your affair with. Since it was purely physical, seems like the decision to be with a single OM was more a matter of arbitrary availability than anything.

 

Anyway, there are multiple opinions about whether or not to disclose and I don't think it's wrong of you to consider your options. Sure, read the Glass book, but also the Kirschenbaum book, and any other books that pique your interest. Talk to more than one counselor if you need to, in order to find someone who is working with you to help you discover the right path for you. It seems to me like you'll be dealing not only with the question of disclosure, but also why you were tempted to physically stray and how you intend to address that in the future. Can you and your husband meet each other's needs sexually? And so on.

 

Beating yourself up is a futile activity at this point. You clearly regret the affair, and since you had no emotional attachment to OM, I don't think you'll get as bad of "affair withdrawals" as many describe. So, today is the first day of figuring out how to move on from here. OP, I think you sound like a good person who has made some bad choices. Best of luck to you.

 

This is good advice.

 

Op, the one thing almost everyone who's responded to you seems to be able to agree on is that getting counseling for yourself can be really helpful to you right now. It will not only get you through the immediate crisis, but help you find your way beyond it as well.

 

You will get through this. As I keep saying to you, you are stronger than you think.

[Liam1]

What I see is a woman who has made a mistake and has regretted it and she punishes herself more than anything else that would happen. What she is thinking is, I am torturing myself by paying my own mistakes (guilt), why should I make my H hurt as well? This is a good point of view. At the moment her H is ignorant and happy. She wants to let him be happy and pay the whole price herself. Can we tell when her H would be more miserable, by knowing the truth or by staying in a marriage of lies?

 

Good points, SummerDreams.

 

Some people feel the need to confess as a way to unburden their guilt.

 

I do not get the feeling that Missy needs to confess to unburden her guilt. She is dealing with it and she is looking for help and support by posting here.

 

Her concern is for her husband. Once she tells him there is no taking it back.......ever.

 

There is a fine line between being honest and being brutally honest.

 

Judging by how many spouses on marriage forums claim they were blind sided by their spouse's infidelity and others who say they were blissfully happy until they found out about the affair. ...there are apparently a lot of people who never even suspected a spouses affair and the marriage was running smoothly.

 

My wife, never suspected an affair. She had no clue.

 

If Missy's marriage is fine right now, and she is certain there is minimal chance of him finding out about the affair, why burden her husband with this knowledge.

 

The affair is over, it's in the past.

 

There are infidelity experts who do not agree that disclosure is ALWAYS needed. Only in cases where there is a strong possibility someone else will tell the spouse, or if the spouse asks.

 

If the spouse suspects an affair and asks, then she should be honest. But if he has no clue. It will only cause permanent and lasting harm to his psyche.

Edited May 27, 2016 by Liam1