Broken

[ChickiePops]

@Mrs. John Adams

 

Just want to comment; the fact that this worked for you (and I'm glad it did!) does not mean it will work for everyone. There are many people (including me) who do not want to know the truth if this happens to them. I'm putting myself in OP's husband shoes and I honestly do not want to know the truth IF my H really wants to work things on our marriage and this was something that will never happen again and this was only something physical. Why throw many years of relationship and marriage to the garbage for something that meant nothing?

 

The cheating part is what throws away the marriage, not the telling part.

[Liam1]

The cheating part is what throws away the marriage, not the telling part.

 

The marriage is still intact. There is presently no problem in the marriage that Missy has mentioned.

 

If there is a problem in the marriage, that changes things. But she has not mentioned any problems.

 

My own marriage was running smoothly and as normal during the affair.

[ChickiePops]

The marriage is still intact. There is presently no problem in the marriage that Missy has mentioned.

 

If there is a problem in the marriage, that changes things. But she has not mentioned any problems.

 

My own marriage was running smoothly and as normal during the affair.

 

And yet you were still doing your very best to wreck things in your marriage.

 

Cheating is not ok just because it's a secret. It's dangerous to think this way..you're basically justifying all affairs.

 

Are you still in your own affair? Is that why you think affairs are fine as long as nobody knows? That's supremely unfair to your wife...

[SummerDreams]

Just to clarify, I certainly agree with the OP needing therapy so she sorts all her problems out, understand why she did what she did, how it impacted her and the way she sees her H, what changes need to be made. I also think we disagree here because we don't have many details about her marriage and this is up to her to share them or not. If her marriage is happy and what she did was out of boredom, insecurities, low self esteem etc then I really see no reason to reveal this to the H (at least for now, before she addresses and solves these problems herself). If the marriage has had problems and still does, then it changes things and I am open to the idea of couples therapy and maybe revealing the secret.

 

Sometimes it's better to try and solve a problem by yourself rather than burden another person into it who will be hurt and probably won't be able to do anything about it.

[italianjob]

Just to clarify, I certainly agree with the OP needing therapy so she sorts all her problems out, understand why she did what she did, how it impacted her and the way she sees her H, what changes need to be made. I also think we disagree here because we don't have many details about her marriage and this is up to her to share them or not. If her marriage is happy and what she did was out of boredom, insecurities, low self esteem etc then I really see no reason to reveal this to the H (at least for now, before she addresses and solves these problems herself). If the marriage has had problems and still does, then it changes things and I am open to the idea of couples therapy and maybe revealing the secret.

 

Sometimes it's better to try and solve a problem by yourself rather than burden another person into it who will be hurt and probably won't be able to do anything about it.

 

You're still taking the liberty of deciding for her husband if he wants to be married to this kind of woman.

 

I think her H has every right to decide if he wants to stay or not with someone who will do this out of boredom and doesn't see anything wrong with it (from what she herself writes, only the length of the affair seems to be wrong to her).

 

The bits about the BH being "burdened" by the truth are, frankly, plain unreadable...

[aliveagain]

We all give advice based on our own experiences, who can say which is more right or more wrong. In posting our advice we hope the poster does the right thing and the right thing for her may not be the same thing for some of us. It all depends on ones morality. Liam 1 I believe in your situation when your affair came to light your other woman turned into a bunny boiler and went after your wife so I can see why you would suggest that broken keep this a secret from her husband. My ex never confessed, even after I discovered her 2 year affair (including having to do a DNA test on my 1 year old son and finding out he wasn't mine but other man's) that's why she is now my ex and why I promote honesty. Even her 3 attempted suicides weren't enough to hold onto me once I made the decision to leave. It all comes down to what you can live with and are you really the person you project to be?

[Liam1]

 

Sometimes it's better to try and solve a problem by yourself rather than burden another person into it who will be hurt and probably won't be able to do anything about it.

 

My sentiments. If there is not problem in the marriage. Telling about the affair out of the blue will create a problem. A big one.

 

If the marriage is good and the husband is happy, why hurt him?

[katielee]

Not understanding how a marriage can be good when one of the parties is unaware of the others lies...

[italianjob]

We all give advice based on our own experiences, who can say which is more right or more wrong. In posting our advice we hope the poster does the right thing and the right thing for her may not be the same thing for some of us. It all depends on ones morality. Liam 1 I believe in your situation when your affair came to light your other woman turned into a bunny boiler and went after your wife so I can see why you would suggest that broken keep this a secret from her husband. My ex never confessed, even after I discovered her 2 year affair (including having to do a DNA test on my 1 year old son and finding out he wasn't mine but other man's) that's why she is now my ex and why I promote honesty. Even her 3 attempted suicides weren't enough to hold onto me once I made the decision to leave. It all comes down to what you can live with and are you really the person you project to be?

 

Actually, no.

 

I see a deeper problem than morality here, and actually a deeper problem than one affair.

 

The OP wrote, and never corrected it, though it has been noticed by myself especially, but also by Mr. Lucky for example, that a one time fling would have been alright by her.

 

This means that she is in a relationship that actually doesn't suit her.

 

If she thinks flings are alright, maybe she should be in an open, or partially open, relationship, not in a classical marriage

 

Maybe her husband is ok with that, but she won't know until she talks to him.

 

The only alternative is acting throughout all her life, and I wouldn't advise that...

[Liam1]

We all give advice based on our own experiences, who can say which is more right or more wrong. In posting our advice we hope the poster does the right thing and the right thing for her may not be the same thing for some of us. It all depends on ones morality.

 

Alive again.

 

Yes. the right thing for everyone is different. Still, the fact is that, if presently there are no problems in the marriage, revealing the affair will create a problem for Missy and her unsuspecting husband.

 

Morality is a societal concept. It is fluid and changes with time and cultures.

 

The OP is asking for advice, but she is getting judgment, from some, instead. Not you, maybe, but others.

 

My ex never confessed, even after I discovered her 2 year affair (including having to do a DNA test on my 1 year old son and finding out he wasn't mine but other man's)

That must have been terrible for you to deal with Aliveagain.

 

In that situation, I agree, she should have 'fessed up. What she did was torment you, even if she did it due to her own personal demons. Not fair and likely painful for you.

 

 

Even her 3 attempted suicides weren't enough to hold onto me once I made the decision to leave. It all comes down to what you can live with and are you really the person you project to be?

I think it all depends the condition of the marriage at the time of the affair.

 

Some marriages are just not worth saving. I am judging by your screen name that you now feel "alive again" since ending things.

 

I am glad you are happy and moving forward.

[ShatteredLady]

Liam, "My own marriage was running smoothly and as normal during the affair."

 

The things that you say & do here do make a difference. You've made me cry. You've made me wonder why I'm so pathetic to pour my heart out here. You're so lucky that you have a rock hard wife who isn't hurt like this.

 

 

I've been holding onto your kind words to me for a very long time. Remember? Your therapist told you that the hurtful things that you said & did to your wife during the affair were actually a good sign? It meant that you were feeling tremendous guilt? It was a sign of love? It's worse if someone can carry on as if nothing's happening because they've really checked out.

OMG! I'll believe & hold onto anything.

 

Now "everything was normal" so you were blowing smoke!! Who are you?

 

 

Sorry for interrupting your thread OP. I don't think people (with a heart) are as 'normal' as they think they are acting during an affair. That's why Liam has left me sobbing. My H was cruel. He doesn't even realize how cruel. In hindsight I could guess the week that his A started because of the shift in him. I'd be VERY surprised if your H thinks that the last year of his marriage has been hunky dory.

[JohnAdams]

Still, the fact is that, if presently there are no problems in the marriage, revealing the affair will create a problem for Missy and her unsuspecting husband.

 

This is such a contradiction that it leaves me scratching my head. A marriage with no problems where an affair happens. I am completely happy with my spouse, life is bliss, oh, I think I will have an affair, what harm could that bring? And, since I am happy and have no problem in my marriage, I will not bother to tell my spouse. My spouse thinks they are happy, why would I rock the boat? This is excellent logic.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I think it all depends the condition of the marriage at the time of the affair

 

I think the argument against you is the marriage is in a terrible state if you are engaged in an affair. Why else would you engage in one in the first place if the marriage is perfectly fine?

 

Also that a solid marriage is built on trust and honesty. Not lies and deceit. This isnt some new age way of thinking. Its just fact. Same goes with any relationship, not just a life partner.

 

How can someone find fulfillment in a relationship built on lies?

[Mr. Lucky]

What your spouse does not know can not hurt him.

 

I know several urologists, financial planners and divorce attorneys that would disagree with that statement...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

Not understanding how a marriage can be good when one of the parties is unaware of the others lies...

 

^^^^^^^ yep.....If a marriage has no issues...then why would one cheat? and since it takes two people to make up a marriage...if one has issues...the MARRIAGE has issues.

 

How can a marriage be sailing along smoothly....if one person is not happy and decides to cheat? For whatever reason......

 

Missy in her very first post said this

 

Somehow it all went wrong.

My husband and and I have been together 13 years (married 7 years)

We have been best friends and the couple everyone strives to be.

Somehow I went astray. Without delving into details I ended up in a strictly physical, somewhat complicated sexual affair for an entire year.

The only emotions may have been on my side.

It ended because I just couldn't handle the guilt and betrayal.

My affair partner also thought it was best we part if I was struggling with guilt (he had not emotional attachment)

I want to fix my marriage.

I want it back how it was.

I don't even know how this all started.

I feel broken and empty.

My affair partner was no good for me and yet I feel lost and broken now that it's over.

Will I ever be ok again?

I haven't spoken to a single person about this and sometimes I feel like it is eating me alive.

Now that it's over will I ever feel normal again?

Will my marriage survive?

Will I?

 

In this paragraph...her very first statement.. ..she said somehow it all went wrong....

 

then she told us about her perfect marriage but somehow she went astray.

 

Folks....that means there were issues. This marriage looked perfect to everyone on the outside looking it...and she doesn't know how it happened...but something changed.

 

I am willing to bet....everyone of us who has had infidelity in our marriage can say the same thing.

 

She says that her AP had no emotional attachment to her ...but she did have an emotional attachment to him. This was not a purely physical affair for a year.

 

Her affair partner was no good for her...yet she feels lost and broken now that the affair is over. That is an emotional attachment.

 

Will I ever feel normal again? Will I be ok again?

 

Not once did she mention her husband....and how he might feel? She wants to fix her marriage....if her marriage isn't broken why does it need to be fixed? she wants her marriage back the way it was....because the marriage has changed.

 

There is a whole lot of information in this paragraph....

[pheonixrisen]

Good points, SummerDreams.

 

Some people feel the need to confess as a way to unburden their guilt.

 

I do not get the feeling that Missy needs to confess to unburden her guilt. She is dealing with it and she is looking for help and support by posting here.

 

Her concern is for her husband. Once she tells him there is no taking it back.......ever.

 

There is a fine line between being honest and being brutally honest.

 

Judging by how many spouses on marriage forums claim they were blind sided by their spouse's infidelity and others who say they were blissfully happy until they found out about the affair. ...there are apparently a lot of people who never even suspected a spouses affair and the marriage was running smoothly.

 

My wife, never suspected an affair. She had no clue.

 

If Missy's marriage is fine right now, and she is certain there is minimal chance of him finding out about the affair, why burden her husband with this knowledge.

 

The affair is over, it's in the past.

 

There are infidelity experts who do not agree that disclosure is ALWAYS needed. Only in cases where there is a strong possibility someone else will tell the spouse, or if the spouse asks.

 

If the spouse suspects an affair and asks, then she should be honest. But if he has no clue. It will only cause permanent and lasting harm to his psyche.

 

I do not agree with the above and it's disappointing when people advice the above ...

 

you already took away his choice in the matter once .

 

you got bored lonely had an affair

 

when I get bored and lonely I read a book ..or several ! Or go to mall I don't go actively looking for men to start something ...

 

The only reason why someone would not tell their spouse is not because they think they want to keep them away from pain ...If that were the case they would not step in the direction of an affair .

 

They don't say because they are selfish and don't want to hurt them selves more if the person were to walk away ...op from your post I got that you developed feelings the om did not are you sure that you are hurting and crying because you gave up your whole life your marriage for sex with a man who did not connect with you on an emo level or showed no care for you besides the sex ...If he would have showed some sort of an emo connection would this steam roll more ahead perhaps you are hurting that you literally gave up everything and he could not even give a little care whether you were there or not ....its clear ws are able to feel guilty when they are doing it but can just as easily discard and get lost in the moment ...so what exactly you are guilty about that you had an affair or you had an affair with a man who showed nothing for you besides free available sex

 

So who exactly you are trying to protect you or your h. ..I am sure he is a big boy and can handle the truth .Every person has the right to know the person they are married too who they trust and who is suppose to have their back is really this person who they think they are ...do you have the right to take away his right to know you are a disloyal bored wife who has sex with strange men from online sites ...but I guess you will take that right away from him .

 

And don't think this will not be repeated again ...The next time you get bored and the itch comes along why would you not reach for another or the same guy I mean you got away once right ...and you are capable right ..We are all capable of affairs difference is whether one take the step or not the first time it's hard 2nd time it becomes easier ...its human nature what we get away with once we repeat a 2nd time .

 

tell your h let him decide if he wants to stay with you ...He has a right to know and decide if he wants a disloyal person to be his wife .

Edited May 27, 2016 by pheonixrisen

[drifter777]

I am out of town right now

I only saw him briefly before I left.

I keep going through ups and downs of emotion.

I have also read some of the OM/OW posts as suggested and find I can related to some of them even though I am not the OW.

Maybe I will post there as well.

I know you all think I'm a terrible person.

But I really am not.

I know that doesn't change what I have done but if I could take it all back I would do so in a heartbeat.

Nearly every cheater wishes they could take it all back and I have no doubt you would if you could. You need to come to grips with the fact that you cannot take it back and move forward from there.

 

In order to save him the pain and agony of dealing with your cheating and maybe save your marriage you should not tell him about this. Most others on here will disagree but if you believe there is a very good chance he will never find out then he doesn't need to know. I wish I could un-know about my wife's cheating every day.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am out of town right now

I only saw him briefly before I left.

I keep going through ups and downs of emotion.

I have also read some of the OM/OW posts as suggested and find I can related to some of them even though I am not the OW.

Maybe I will post there as well.

I know you all think I'm a terrible person.

But I really am not.

I know that doesn't change what I have done but if I could take it all back I would do so in a heartbeat.

 

Missey,

 

I don't think you are a terrible person....I am not a terrible person. But you and i did a very terrible thing. We made a very very bad choice....and sometimes bad choices come with consequences.

 

I wish everyday that I could undo what i did to my husband...but the sad reality is...it cannot be undone.... but we do not have to let what we did define who we are or define our marriage.

 

My marriage will always carry the scar of my infidelity.... but we have a very good marriage.

[missy6six]

I thank you again for all of your responses.

I definitely think I could use some therapy.

I am also incredibly depressed.

Despite what i have done, my marriage is actually very good.

I am the one that has screwed up something great.

Something I hope I can fix.

I love my husband and my life with him.

This is not something that will ever happen again.

I can't even believe I have done this.

I keep reading all of your advice and am trying to take it all in.

[aliveagain]

Somehow it all went wrong.

My husband and and I have been together 13 years (married 7 years)

We have been best friends and the couple everyone strives to be.

Somehow I went astray. Without delving into details I ended up in a strictly physical, somewhat complicated sexual affair for an entire year.

The only emotions may have been on my side.

It ended because I just couldn't handle the guilt and betrayal.

My affair partner also thought it was best we part if I was struggling with guilt (he had not emotional attachment)

I want to fix my marriage.

I want it back how it was.

I don't even know how this all started.

I feel broken and empty.

My affair partner was no good for me and yet I feel lost and broken now that it's over.

Will I ever be ok again?

I haven't spoken to a single person about this and sometimes I feel like it is eating me alive.

Now that it's over will I ever feel normal again?

Will my marriage survive?

Will I?

 

Why do you want to go back to what you had if what you had led you to cheat on your husband?

 

How do you expect to fix your marriage if you are keeping secrets between you and the other man from your husband? You can't fix your marriage by lying.

 

Your affair partner was no good for you, true, just how did you expect to improve your marriage by bringing a third person, secret from your husband into it?

 

You don't know how it started, yes you do because you went on a hook up site looking for sex, be honest.

 

Will your marriage survive, well that's up to you. The first thing you should do is stop taking your husbands choices away from him. One day he may take your choices away from you.

 

Girl, get real, how do you expect your marriage to be ok when you just spent the last year as some guy's fu*k buddy? No amount of counselling will ever make this go away. Everyone aspires to be the couple you are, boy they sure don't know you and this is what you have to fix. You broke it, you fix it. Your husband doesn't even know there's a problem yet. If your not going to tell him the truth why don't you consider divorcing him?

 

Just saw your update but I will let what I wrote stand.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I thank you again for all of your responses.

I definitely think I could use some therapy.

I am also incredibly depressed.

Despite what i have done, my marriage is actually very good.

I am the one that has screwed up something great.

Something I hope I can fix.

I love my husband and my life with him.

This is not something that will ever happen again.

I can't even believe I have done this.

I keep reading all of your advice and am trying to take it all in.

 

Missey,

 

Please tell me...what do you think changed in your relationship with your husband...that allowed you to make the decision to cheat? You said

I don't know why it started. Boredom? Loneliness?

He was away one weekend and I met someone online.

Yes I sought out someone for something that i thought would happen one time.

It spiralled out of control from there.

I felt desired, alive, sexual.

 

You sought to have an affair. A woman who is happily married and satisfied with her perfect marriage does not seek out an affair partner.

 

Can you at least acknowledge that something was wrong? How then can you say your marriage is good? Your marriage is based on a lie. You have been living a double life for a year.

 

Sweetheart....nothing or no one can help you until you are honest with yourself. You have to at least tell your self the truth.

 

Please believe me when i tell you that no one here wants to hurt you...we all want to help you if we can. We feel how sad you are and how frightened you are.

 

The first step to recovery..is honesty.

[lolablue17]

Hi missy6six.

 

The first step for organizing and improving your feelings and to climb up for a better life, is to correctly identify the real reasons for your feeling of depression.

 

I find it hard to believe that after having a affair with a man that isn't right for you, doesn't love you back, and blocks your number, your feelings are 100% "want your marriage back". It just very odd that you want to fix your marriage in this timing.

 

For your own sake - Be honest with yourself. If you had an affair with a different man who loved you back, you may havn't ended it until now. I doubt even the fact that you were the only one who ended the affair. I have a guess that the other man also wanted to end it. Maybe he was the one who initiated the break up.

 

So you experience now a break up from a man you loved and didn't love you back, you feel lonely, you miss him very much. That is probably a strong reason why can't you stop crying, not only because you miss your marriage.

 

Because if you miss your husband, I have good news for you - You have him! You can start fixing your marriage today. Start paying attention to your husband, ask him out, give him a massage, buy him presents and all the other cliches in the book.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi missy6six.

 

The first step for organizing and improving your feelings and to climb up for a better life, is to correctly identify the real reasons for your feeling of depression.

 

I find it hard to believe that after having a affair with a man that isn't right for you, doesn't love you back, and blocks your number, your feelings are 100% "want your marriage back". It just very odd that you want to fix your marriage in this timing.

 

For your own sake - Be honest with yourself. If you had an affair with a different man who loved you back, you may havn't ended it until now. I doubt even the fact that you were the only one who ended the affair. I have a guess that the other man also wanted to end it. Maybe he was the one who initiated the break up.

 

So you experience now a break up from a man you loved and didn't love you back, you feel lonely, you miss him very much. That is probably a strong reason why can't you stop crying, not only because you miss your marriage.

 

Because if you miss your husband, I have good news for you - You have him! You can start fixing your marriage today. Start paying attention to your husband, ask him out, give him a massage, buy him presents and all the other cliches in the book.

 

Do you think if she starts showering her husband with attention...and she does not normally do this...it will make him wonder why? and since she says she will not tell him...what if it peaks his interest and he begins to investigate why his wife is now all about making him happy? and he asks her are you having an affair?

 

I guess technically...she could say no...since she is not actively having an a affair...

 

I am just thinking out loud....and wondering the what ifs

[Clay]

It should have never happened in the first place but you can't go back and change that now. What you can do is get into therapy and tell him so he can have a choice just like you do right now. You have a chance to really come clean to him and maybe he might want to make it work. What is wrong with really working on your marriage. How can you expect him to do that with you if your only giving him part of the information.

 

You stand a better chance at saving this marriage if you tell him everything yourself instead of one day him learning on his own.

 

Why continue to be selfish?

 

C

[Mr. Lucky]

Most others on here will disagree but if you believe there is a very good chance he will never find out then he doesn't need to know. I wish I could un-know about my wife's cheating every day.

 

If your wife decided this undisclosed affair was symptomatic of a failing relationship and decided to leave, would you want to know then? In other words, would you want the context within which the separation was occurring?

 

Since many WS use an affair as a step towards an eventual exit, disclosure allows the BS to make their own plans.

 

I don't see how it can be argued they deserve any less...

 

Mr. Lucky