Broken

[Mrs. John Adams]

I find the OP's posting style to be very curious. Very minimalist with enough info to continue the debate, but not enough to allow conversation with the OP.

 

What is the goal? She cheated, claims the guilt was too much and ended it. She claims to love her husband, but not enough to avoid cheating or to be honest with him after the fact. We can opine a bunch of stuff, but unless this poster engages with details, or asks questions that lead to a decision, we are shooting in the dark.

 

curious indeed....and discussed in private messages I assure you.

[italianjob]

It's getting peculiar indeed...

 

At every turn of the story there seems to be less reason for OP to be disraught as she seems to be...

 

Unless the sex at home was so bad she knows she'll have trouble not looking to cheat again...

[missy6six]

What is peculiar?

I came here hoping for some advice.

I have been as open as I can.

And people keep coming up with some really extreme theories about me (50 shades of grey? Racial preference? Someone thought I have a 2 year old!)

I'm.not sure what I haven't answered.

Despite that I have tried to absorb all options equally.

[66Charger]

Asked and answered. Most just want to know what was missing in your M in order to give solid advice. I dont think anyone here has a clue, by what you have posted. If you want good solid advice, answer some of the questions

Edited May 29, 2016 by 66Charger

[aliveagain]

Yes you are right.

Also because there is no way he will ever find out.

 

Why are you so sure he won't find out? We all did.

 

I don't want to hurt him.

 

How do you think banging some guy you met on the internet for a year will make him feel?

 

It is just not something I will do.

 

This is your choice but marriages with secrets have a very poor success rate.

 

It was a mistake and it will not be repeated.

 

It was not a mistake, turning left when you should have turned right is a mistake. Banging someone off the internet takes a lot of planning and deception, it was a conscious choice, a choice you will one day have to explain to your husband.

 

I know some of you feel strongly about telling.

 

We feel strongly because we all discovered our spouses infidelity and are doing our best to tell you what works and what doesn't from the perspective of both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse.

 

But surely people have gotten through this without?

 

There are, do their marriages work, maybe but the odds of success are severally reduced. Any relationship with infidelity and deception has been forever changed and I think you are feeling that loss, it usually starts as a feeling of emptiness in your gut. The betrayed spouse feels the exact same thing. I spent days alone in a darkened room just crying and feeling absolutely alone. If you are here to find a method to help you bury these feelings while continuing the lie, try O/M O/W forum.

 

 

 

 

 

[italianjob]

What is peculiar?

I came here hoping for some advice.

I have been as open as I can.

And people keep coming up with some really extreme theories about me (50 shades of grey? Racial preference? Someone thought I have a 2 year old!)

I'm.not sure what I haven't answered.

Despite that I have tried to absorb all options equally.

 

You're right. I read a post by JS84 that mentioned a 2 year old and assumed I had missed that in your posts. My bad, I should have verified.

 

What is not clear:

 

1. In your second post you imply that if your filing had been a one off, it would have been no big deal. Why is that? In my book a mindset like that is maybe even worse than the affair itself, for the future of the marriage...

 

2. You don't appreciate your H sexually. You go out of town for business, so you have a job. Now it looks like there's no kid. For what reason do you think it's important to trick your H into staying married to you?

 

3. Given the above, the fact that you decided not to tell your H and are sure he won't find out, the fact that you are sure (I have my doubts there) that you won't look to cheat again, what is exactly causing your disraught, now that you stopped your dangerous behavior?

[Mrs. John Adams]

What is peculiar?

I came here hoping for some advice.

I have been as open as I can.

And people keep coming up with some really extreme theories about me (50 shades of grey? Racial preference? Someone thought I have a 2 year old!)

I'm.not sure what I haven't answered.

Despite that I have tried to absorb all options equally.

 

No one has come up with theories....we asked questions. I asked you was it a shades of grey kind of thing because you said the AP was dominant unlike your husband. You insinuated that that was appealing.

 

You are evasive at best. If you don't want people to comment then ask the moderators to close your thread.

 

You have not acknowledged one piece of advice or suggestion...do you disagree with what has been given? give some kind of feedback so we at least know if you are listening.

 

I asked you....if your life is going to continue like it did...with the exception of having an affair partner....and you are sure that your husband will not find out...and you will not tell him....then what are you so upset about?

 

What is it that is frightening you?

 

IF your husband does not know...and you are not going to tell him...then the way i see it...life will be normal....with the exception of no affair.

 

Tell me what you are thinking...because i really want to know.

[Maddieandtae]

Missey you aren't emotionally ready to be reading advice from an forum full of strangers to you. There has been many valid questions asked and advice given but at this point it must be making your head spin. Sure people what to have more information to fill in the blanks, I just think you maybe too confused to share and are also highly sensitive to what you share and who might read it. It's a tough position you have put yourself in. The paranoia must be doing your head in. I too made terrible choices, on my road to recovery it was solid counselling that helped me turn my life around. I will forever be grateful to the woman who quideded me back to health. I could never have joined a forum and opened myself up like a lot of people do. My counsellor had strongly encouraged not to join an online support group for quite awhile. It would have done me no good and neither to the people who saw what I didn't back than. Get professional help in an safe environment Missey it can save your emotional health. An professional can work with you on how to bring this to your husband. It's an hard road ahead and so worth the journey.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm.not sure what I haven't answered.

 

How about this:

 

How does someone in a "very good" marriage, half of the "couple everyone strives to be", end up leading a double life in a year-long affair? And I'm not buying the lonely/bored BS, people in good marriages don't feel that way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[missy6six]

I think I had the affair because I was bored and wanted to feel desired

I know I should have spoken to my husband and worked on things

Instead, I made a bad decision and then I was hooked on the feeling

That feeling is not worth what I feel for the years I have spent with my husband.

They were temporary feelings and selfish feelings.

I won't do it ever again because nothing is worth destroying my marriage for

And any issues within it should try and be fixed.

[SummerDreams]

What are the issues in your marriage?

[missy6six]

I think the issues are more my own than with the marriage

It was me feeling bored and maybe a bit neglected

I should have talked about this and worked through it

[SummerDreams]

It's never only the one person's fault, that's for sure. What are you planning to do? Will you address your issues to your husband?

[missy6six]

Right now my plan is to not tell him.

This is the only place I have ever spoken of it.

No one knows about it, and he is no longer in the picture.

We agreed to cut all ties completely.

Some of you wont agree with that I know.

I plan to get some therapy and sort out what's going on in my head.

I think my husband and I need to reinvigorate our sex life a bit and that is something I will work on.

I have listened to everyone's advice but ultimately I need to make my own decisions.

[bigman1]

I think the issues are more my own than with the marriage

It was me feeling bored and maybe a bit neglected

I should have talked about this and worked through it

 

Do you honestly think this bodes well for your marriage? These are two of the most non-committal statements I have seen from someone claiming to regret their affair and looking to move forward.

 

Do you know if the "issues" were more your own or not? If so, what issues? How has cheating and guilt given you such clarity to self diagnose and form a plan of action? You just tossed this out there without committing to anything.

 

You also said, "maybe a bit neglected". Seriously? What does that even mean? Were you neglected or not? It seems like you are just tossing out a potential reason that is given by some cheaters and then waiting to see what folks say. Again, you have not committed and just tossed something out there.

 

Continually repeating that you and the other guy have cut ties and you won't repeat is meaningless. Breaking up is hard to do, is more than a song title. All that keeps you apart is time and opportunity.

 

Continuing to openly castigating yourself on an anonymous board for your cheating is really not moving forward. Perhaps you don't want to tell your husband because you would actually have to do some real work. Maybe open that Pandora's box that is you and your relationship.

 

In the end, I find that cheaters who bare all (with decorum), are honest, are not vague, and avoid platitudes on these type forums are successful. Why? Because that is how they become in their real relationships. Those, as you appear to be at this point, who are vague, selective in answering questions, evasive, defensive, and with hold information on these boards also tend to be the same in their relationships and fail.

 

Try typing multiple sentences that form paragraphs that address your situation as opposed to lashing out at challenges from the forum.

[missy6six]

I didn't consider this moving forward.

I considered it a start on recognizing what I've done.

Sorry if you don't like my writing style.

I haven't lashed out at anyone.

[bigman1]

Thank you for your reply. I have reached my conclusion.

To paraphrase the late great James Brown.

I'm gonna take it to the bridge.

I'm out.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Right now my plan is to not tell him.

This is the only place I have ever spoken of it.

No one knows about it, and he is no longer in the picture.

We agreed to cut all ties completely.

Some of you wont agree with that I know.

I plan to get some therapy and sort out what's going on in my head.

I think my husband and I need to reinvigorate our sex life a bit and that is something I will work on.

I have listened to everyone's advice but ultimately I need to make my own decisions.

 

I am glad to hear you finally say you will seek therapy. I think that is the most important thing.

 

It will help you to sort out all of your feelings and issues. It might even change your mind about some of your plans...once you understand more clearly what your actions have caused.

 

No one is trying to make decisions for you. We are trying to help you make your own decisions. It is ultimately up to you....but we are offering to you our experience and knowledge in our own situations. That's what forums are for...to share experiences and advice...and to support others.

 

But that support comes with differing opinions and different ideas. No one is saying their ideas are more right than anyone else's....

 

I have never professed to have all the answers...and even though I have been in reconciliation for 33 years...I am still learning...and growing in my relationship with my husband. I made many mistakes....in our reconciliation...but I have kept trying.

 

You may discover that you too may make some mistakes....and you will figure things out as you go.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Obviously something is missing in your marriage.

 

 

Why is this obvious? Sorry, but I really disagree with the automatic assertion that an affair is because something is lacking in the marriage.

 

Something may be lacking in the cheating partner's life, their character, their sense of self worth, etc.

 

Many affairs have NOTHING to do with the state of their marriage or their spouse at all. Serial cheaters, for example, have been in perfectly joyous and satisfying marriages....yet that was still not enough.

 

Just throwing that out there.

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

The truth will make itself known and you can be on the right side of that disclosure - or not. I don't see how anyone can feel that continuing the deception post affair that characterized its active period is a healthy way to recover your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I bet on a yearly basis, millions of affairs go undetected, run their course, and are never exposed or repeated. Gotta be.

 

I'd say the odds of getting busted after the fact, with a truly remorseful spouse, are pretty slim. In fact I bet many of us who discovered our cheating spouses still don't know about a ONS here or there. Human nature.

 

I THINK I know everything my wife has done...but do I really? Do any of us?

[Bufo]

This is a long thread so pardon me if I'm just repeating another poster's work

 

OP is unravelled. Asserts guilt les her to quit the A voluntarily. Without deep emotional attachment to OM. And he had no emotional attachment to her. Therefore unlikely to go all bunny boiler on her and tell. These are the facts.

 

To tell or not to tell. That is the question.

 

First I think OP needs counseling to get her own head on straight. She doesn't seem to be in the mindset to be any assistance to BH if she does tell. She would

be more of an emotional wreck than he would. Maybe counseling can shed some light on why she made the marriage destroying choice to enter into and maintain a LTA. If she doesn't gain insight into this how does she know, and how can she assure H this will never happen again? Right now she can't. He will ask the ever present question "Why?" and right now she doesn't have anything resembling a good answer.

 

Second does she have a support system in place. Relative or friend or parent who has the interest and time to listen to her? BH isn't likely a good candidate for shoulder to cry on.

 

Third has she had any thoughts on what to do if she tells and BH goes ballistic on her? Are there kids involved? Alternative living arrangements? Financial situation sufficient? (This isn't a prediction but a concern)

 

Finally does OP think disclosure is a good idea for BH and/or the M or is she contemplating telling to relieve her admitted guilty feelings? Telling may well relieve the guilt but will create a whole truckload of other issues.

 

A good idea may be an accurate timeline of the A. BH may want it someday and it will be more accurate if written before time blurs events. And it can serve as an antidote to any temptation to TT once the A is revealed. Just don't leave it out for BH to find. Remember that TT causes at least as much hurt as the A itself.

 

But my main point is OP has to face herself and reconcile with herself first and quickly if she (and perhaps a trusted counselor ) thinks disclosure is best.

[66Charger]

Has the affair truly ended? Easy to say now, but It has only been a couple of days since she has been with the AP.

[Mr. Lucky]

I didn't consider this moving forward.

I considered it a start on recognizing what I've done.

Sorry if you don't like my writing style.

I haven't lashed out at anyone.

 

You do a frustrating "infidelity haiku" posting style.

 

I'd say the odds of getting busted after the fact, with a truly remorseful spouse, are pretty slim.

 

To continue in gambling parlance, the OP has several "tells". She's described moodiness, crying jags and a desire to flip the script sexually with her spouse. At the very least, anyone paying attention would know something's going on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

With every post by the OP is more evident that is marriage shouldn't be saved at all. He should be told every thing and should be let free to find a woman Who appreciates him sexually. Missy should be left free to find a partner Who dominates her the way she likes.

 

What make s me raise my eyebrows is how does someone discover sexual incompatibility after 13 years of staying together and 6 of marriage, 2 short years after deciding to make a kid with someone not compatible. But that's another story...

 

Sometimes the two are compatible to begin with, but as we get older our taste may change and you discover things you never knew existed before.

 

The discovery may be from films or books, but you may realise there is a lot more than you thought. I think especially for women it can be difficult to tell your partner about your new findings or desires as they can interpret it as them not being good enough sexually. In speaking with some MWs they've said it's such a sensitive area.

 

Another thing is that sometimes women (and men) feel embarrassed to express certain sexual desires to their spouse because it seems out of character for them and they fear being judged, especially with things like BDSM.

 

I don't suggest the solution is to have an affair, but it's just to offer an explanation of why what was good in the beginning can change as we become exposed to other things.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I bet on a yearly basis, millions of affairs go undetected, run their course, and are never exposed or repeated. Gotta be.

 

I'd say the odds of getting busted after the fact, with a truly remorseful spouse, are pretty slim. In fact I bet many of us who discovered our cheating spouses still don't know about a ONS here or there. Human nature.

 

I THINK I know everything my wife has done...but do I really? Do any of us?

 

This spoke volumes to me.

 

My husband's affair was a four year involvement.

 

I too believe there were a few dalliances along the way before that.

 

I think there's a bit of truth in what they say about sailors, and he was one!