Broken

[missy6six]

I really am trying to be open here but it's hard to catch everyone's questions.

First, I have no children. I'm not sure how I gave any impression that I did.

So no, this did not start 2 short years after have a child.

Also the reason I am out of town is entirely unrelated to my marriage or my affair.

It was a trip planned with friends quite some time ago.

Again I'm not so sure there is something wrong with my marriage per se.

I think the issue is more so me.

I'm not even sure what that issue is.

Which is why I want to speak to a therapist to start addressing what I am feeling and why i did this.

I am not sitting at home sobbing in front of my husband so he does not suspect anything is wrong.

Yes it has only been a few days since I last spoke to my affair partner (this is day 5!), but it has been about 3 weeks since I have actually seen him.

[Friskyone4u]

Missy,

 

Look, it appears that you are deeply troubled right now. but leaving aside what is right and wrong about what to do, your dilema is the following

 

(1) you never intended on entering in to an affair. OK, that puts you in the same group as about 90% or more of those that do cheat.

(2) you state it will never happen again. OK, but you never thought it would or could happen the first time.

 

The major problems ,and why most people are telling you to confess, is that it is going to be much worse if your husband finds out by himself, and if you continue to be wracked with guilt like you are, your behavior will eventually change. no one ever thinks they will get caught.

 

But the major thing that confessing will do is take away your options. Right now, you have gotten away with it. That means that if somewhere down the road, OM decides he wants to get it going with you again, the option is there for you because your husband is clueless. i know you are going to say that will never happen but again i will point you back to your statement that you never thought you would do this in the first place.

 

You are not protecting your husband. You are protecting yourself and leaving your options open. if you read these forums, you will easily see how many affairs restart when they are supposedly voluntarily ended.

 

So what you are really doing is betting that when your more dominant OM decides to come calling again for some hot sex that you will just say no thanks. i would not want to take that bet.

 

So this has nothing to do with you being a bad person or anything of the sorts. It has to do with do you want to make sure you do not have the option of breaking NC without consequences. Right now you have TEMPORARILY stopped having sex with another man behind your husbands back, but you can resume at any time.

 

That is why you should confess if you want to get out from under this guilt you are experiencing.

[Liam1]

Right now my plan is to not tell him.

This is the only place I have ever spoken of it.

No one knows about it, and he is no longer in the picture.

We agreed to cut all ties completely.

Some of you wont agree with that I know.

I plan to get some therapy and sort out what's going on in my head.

I think my husband and I need to reinvigorate our sex life a bit and that is something I will work on.

I have listened to everyone's advice but ultimately I need to make my own decisions.

 

Missy6:

 

I am relieved to hear that you are not going to tell your spouse.

 

As "Trustedandbusted" stated: There are many affairs that take place that are never ever discovered. More than most people realize. I personally know a large handful of men who have had numerous affairs and their wives are clueless.

 

Also, my FOW had three affairs before our affair, and her husband was totally clueless.

 

People like to think they would know if their spouse had an affair, but that is simply wishful thinking. Many affairs are never discovered.

 

And as another poster in this thread whose wife had an affair said: He wishes every day that he did not know.

 

He likely loves his wife and it is just something to upset him as they go forward.

 

I am sorry you are being hit with more judgmental attitudes than helpful attitudes here. As mentioned, you probably would get more helpful responses on the OW or OM forum or the relationship forum.

 

Personally, I do not see the point in telling your husband, if it is unlikely he would find out.

 

What would be the point other than to cause him unnecessary pain?

 

When I told my wife about my affair, she at first accused me of telling her to hurt her.

 

She said, if the affair was over, there was no point to me telling her other than to cause her pain or to shove the affair in her face.

 

Those were not my thoughts. I only told her because I listened to friends who urged me to be honest and tell her. They said she would appreciate the honesty. She did not.

 

In the end, it only raised doubts in her mind about why I told her.

 

In my case, the FOW decided to stalk my wife, so she likely would have found out anyway. Still, it is very rare for a OM to stalk his former affair partner.

 

My wife herself told me it would have been less painful to find out from someone else given that the affair was over.

 

In her mind, she felt that I told her as a way to say: "hey I have other options, I don't need you"

 

That was not the case. My first instinct was to NOT tell her, but I foolishly listened to those who insisted they would want to know.

 

My wife told me she did not want to know and the fact that I chose to be the bearer of the news was very painful to her.

 

She will always feel somewhere in her own mind that my motive for telling her was simply to hurt her or to make her feel inferior.

 

I hope you are okay.

 

Have you found a good counselor to help you deal with your anguish, depression, and confusion?

Edited May 31, 2016 by Liam1

[NTV]

I think that the therapy you're talking about will help you out more than you would think it can.

 

 

I know you're walking a tough road, but I'm rooting for you to do the right thing here. I know it'll be painful. I know that decisions won't come easy.

 

 

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd say the odds of getting busted after the fact, with a truly remorseful spouse, are pretty slim.

 

In my case, the FOW decided to stalk my wife, so she likely would have found out anyway.

 

Interesting contradiction...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TrustedthenBusted]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrustedthenBusted View Post

I'd say the odds of getting busted after the fact, with a truly remorseful spouse, are pretty slim.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liam1 View Post

In my case, the FOW decided to stalk my wife, so she likely would have found out anyway.

 

Interesting contradiction...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

With this sort of thing, once you put an affair on the table, you can never REALLY be sure that it won't resurface. Still though, to quote The Hunger Games, " May the odds be ever in your favor. "

 

The thing about this place, like many other online forums, is that people give a ton of advice that is easy to give, but very difficult to practice.

 

A cheating partner comes clean on here, and the vast majority of people ( who are all suffering - many to the point of considering suicide - all jump up and say YOU NEED TO BE HONEST AND TELL YOUR SPOUSE!

 

ok...maybe.... But I think a lot of that is because misery loves company.

 

Let's say the cheating partner tells the spouse, and kicks off WWIII, then what? Then they come back on here for more of that great advice, and the same lynch mob shouts DIVORCE IS THE ONLY ANSWER! YOU MARRIAGE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME! YOU WILL NEVER BE TRUSTED AGAIN! etc etc ad nauseum.

 

From what I have read here, there is little benefit, if any, to a spouse coming clean out of the blue, and much more benefit if they come TOTALLY clean after exposure.

 

The OP can always go that route if her affair is exposed, but I really don't think it's realistic to expect her to just go home and bring it up.

[drifter777]

Right now my plan is to not tell him.

This is the only place I have ever spoken of it.

No one knows about it, and he is no longer in the picture.

We agreed to cut all ties completely.

Some of you wont agree with that I know.

I plan to get some therapy and sort out what's going on in my head.

I think my husband and I need to reinvigorate our sex life a bit and that is something I will work on.

I have listened to everyone's advice but ultimately I need to make my own decisions.

I am a betrayed husband and have posted many times that if there is a 95% chance that a husband won't find out about the affair on his own - don't tell him. It's a horror that no man should ever have to live through and if you can save him from it than I urge you to keep it to yourself.

 

If someday you suffer overwhelming guilt and feel that you have to tell him so you can "move forward" - remember just how selfish it would be to crush him just so you can feel better. You've earned your guilt - if you feel any - and it's up to you to figure out how keep it inside and live with it. A counselor can help you with this.

 

Finally, if you feel bored and unappreciated and just want a man's attention & feel desired and decide to do cheat again (even a ONS) - please divorce your husband first. You have no kids so a divorce will be quick and mostly painless - at least for you - and you can live the single life without destroying your husband.

 

The bottom line is that if you don't tell him now than you must commit to silently taking this to your grave.

[katielee]

Quote:

 

 

From what I have read here, there is little benefit, if any, to a spouse coming clean out of the blue, and much more benefit if they come TOTALLY clean after exposure.

 

The OP can always go that route if her affair is exposed, but I really don't think it's realistic to expect her to just go home and bring it up.

 

I'll disagree with this. In recovery, there is a better likelihood of trust being rebuilt with someone who has confessed. I had to find out myself. Twice. It's near impossible to trust now. Him coming to me and telling me would have been of huge benefit in us moving forward. Knowing he could come to me with something awful, allowing me to make a choice - that would have been much better than discovering it on my own.

 

Me never knowing - I knew something was going on. I thought I was going crazy. I asked him about 6 months ago if our mental health was more important than this marriage. He said they're equally important. I said my mental health is more important.

He likely knows something. Give him the opportunity to know he can trust HIMSELF.

[drifter777]

I'll disagree with this. In recovery, there is a better likelihood of trust being rebuilt with someone who has confessed.

OP has no intent of "recovery". If her husband never knows then there is no infidelity to recover from .

[Liam1]

Quote:

 

 

From what I have read here, there is little benefit, if any, to a spouse coming clean out of the blue, and much more benefit if they come TOTALLY clean after exposure.

 

The OP can always go that route if her affair is exposed, but I really don't think it's realistic to expect her to just go home and bring it up.

 

Trusted:

 

I agree.

 

 

 

To Mr. Lucky:

 

There was no contradiction. The two situations are totally different.

 

Also, regarding my situation, As I mentioned several times already, it is very unlikely that an male affair partner will stalk the former affair partner.

 

Also, if he was the one who initiated the break up, it is even far less likely he will stalk the Affair partner.

 

I stand by my opinion that very few affairs are uncovered.

 

As I said, my FOW had many prior affairs and her husband was still clueless.

 

Also, because I stupidly 'fessed up, rather than letting someone else clue my wife into the affair. Now she may always think I told her to purposely hurt her. That was not my intent. I wish I had not listened to those who told me to be honest and tell her. It only added another layer of hurt for her.

Edited May 31, 2016 by Liam1

[katielee]

OP has no intent of "recovery". If her husband never knows then there is no infidelity to recover from .

 

beg to differ on this. He's in a recovery, he just has no idea about it. If she's working on herself or as she said, trying to spice up their sex life in order to make their marriage better than it was before her affair, they're in recovery. He just doesn't know what they're in recovery from. He deserves to know.

[sandylee1]

beg to differ on this. He's in a recovery, he just has no idea about it. If she's working on herself or as she said, trying to spice up their sex life in order to make their marriage better than it was before her affair, they're in recovery. He just doesn't know what they're in recovery from. He deserves to know.

 

To be fair if he doesn't know about it he's not in recovery. Once you spill the marriage will never be the same again.

 

If he'd never know then leave it be and work on yourself. Then you can get to the point of communicating the sort of marriage you want for the two of you and reigniting the passion.

 

Your husband would probably welcome a bit of spice and livening things up as well.

[katielee]

To be fair if he doesn't know about it he's not in recovery. Once you spill the marriage will never be the same again.

 

If he'd never know then leave it be and work on yourself. Then you can get to the point of communicating the sort of marriage you want for the two of you and reigniting the passion.

 

Your husband would probably welcome a bit of spice and livening things up as well.

 

my husband? he has plenty of spice believe me.

"to be fair" - really interesting choice of words.... to be fair - IMO, tell him the truth. They're on unequal playing fields right now. To be fair - tell him the truth so HE can make choices. Right now, things aren't fair.

[fallingdown2013]

If you're only concerned about saving the marriage, then your best bet is not to tell. You claim that your husband cannot discover your AP, so no risk there. You aren't completely satisfied with your sex life and that will continue unless you talk to him. Even so, you'll remember the "scare" you had now and for that reason, you may never cheat again. If you aren't consumed with guilt and remorse, then this course of action is possible.

 

I would tell. Guilt and remorse aside, it's just about being honest. But it's your life and you have every right to make your own decisions.

[Zenstudent]

I'm amazed the amount of posters promoting dishonesty as the best path of life.

 

"Don't tell, he'll never know. And what he doesn't know won't hurt him...."

 

If this is the case, she might as well just keep on cheating, no? Just make sure that he doesn't find out. Life is short, why deny yourself of any fun, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, regarding my situation, As I mentioned several times already, it is very unlikely that an male affair partner will stalk the former affair partner.

 

Also, if he was the one who initiated the break up, it is even far less likely he will stalk the Affair partner.

 

You're leaving out the OM's wife, their co-workers. the OP's iPad, mobile device, email, text, social media, chat apps, phone bill, LS account, etc. etc. etc...

 

Everyone thinks they have it under control - until they don't. In my case, the OM's wife showed up at my door one day. So Liam, counting you and me, we're two for two as far as exposure goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[katielee]

I'm amazed the amount of posters promoting dishonesty as the best path of life.

 

"Don't tell, he'll never know. And what he doesn't know won't hurt him...."

 

If this is the case, she might as well just keep on cheating, no? Just make sure that he doesn't find out. Life is short, why deny yourself of any fun, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

 

Me too. Does living with integrity and authenticity mean anything?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well...since Missey has made it perfectly clear ...she is not going to tell....it is a moot point to argue about it any further.

 

We have all expressed our opinion on the subject...she has made her decision.

 

Missey's husband may never find out she had this affair....but he might find out when she has the next one.

 

I know a man that has had several affairs. His wife doesn't know....he calls himself reformed. Of course he has had more affairs....he doesn't mean too....but because he does not disclose...the only person to hold him accountable is him. He keeps repeating because ...he gets by with it.

 

I told my husband....because I knew I had to. I knew he would never find out...but I KNEW...and if I wanted to recover...I HAD TO COME CLEAN ABOUT IT. I knew that it was the right thing to do...even though it was a hard thing to do.

 

Missey wants to recover...she is going to go to therapy to work on her issues...she is going to try to fix her marriage. The first step in recovery is honesty...and her chances of recovering from this unscathed will be affected by the knowledge that she knows she got by with it and she lives in a lie.

 

But it is her decision.....and I honestly do not think she cares what the rest of us think...except those that agree with her.

 

Those who encourage her to withhold the information from her husband...are feeding her exactly what she wants to hear...because that is the easiest route to take. It may work out for her....it might not...but it a risk she is willing to take.

[ladydesigner]

Me never knowing - I knew something was going on. I thought I was going crazy. I asked him about 6 months ago if our mental health was more important than this marriage. He said they're equally important. I said my mental health is more important.

He likely knows something. Give him the opportunity to know he can trust HIMSELF.

 

I understand this because I came clean 100% about my RA to my WH. He not only lied and TT'd me, but it took me about 6 months to find out, on my own, that his A with MOW was still ongoing and was a PA.

 

When a WS does this I am not sure the BS will ever regain much trust, whereas if the WS confesses (and really ends the A) the issue of trust isn't as big of a deal.

 

I think those that are pushing the confession know this. I mean you take a gamble with hiding the truth and guilt for sure and god forbid the truth ever comes out... not good.

[missy6six]

Please know that just because I may not do what you think is right does not mean that I don't care about what you have to say

Everyone's opinions and advice are welcome.

I can only approach this one step at a time which right now starts with finding a therapist.

As I mentioned, I have been out of town but will be looking into this asap.

Believe me I see the pros and cons of the telling vs not telling

I truly believe that he will never find out though as there really doesn't seem to be a way.

It is a decision I will have to make, and I hope a therapist can help me decide that with a clear head.

I really do love my husband and want to get through this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Please know that just because I may not do what you think is right does not mean that I don't care about what you have to say

Everyone's opinions and advice are welcome.

I can only approach this one step at a time which right now starts with finding a therapist.

As I mentioned, I have been out of town but will be looking into this asap.

Believe me I see the pros and cons of the telling vs not telling

I truly believe that he will never find out though as there really doesn't seem to be a way.

It is a decision I will have to make, and I hope a therapist can help me decide that with a clear head.

I really do love my husband and want to get through this.

 

and i truly hope so too.

[Maddieandtae]

Missey take it moment by moment. With time I'm positive you will feel differently about many thoughts you have at this moment. Working through them with someone who's goal is to work with you (and boy do you have to work hard to see positive effects!) will see breakthroughs on many levels. Moment by moment until that ground isn't so shaky anymore ?

[italianjob]

So you've taken most of your decisions.

 

I won't try to make you think otherwise, telling the truth might mean the end of your marriage. By the dynamics you've told (drop by drop, I may say) here, if I was your husband I wouldn't keep you, if I may be honest.

 

Can you have your old marriage back? To be honest, I don't think so, without sincerity and honesty, you might keep on a good facade, a beautiful play. But that's what it will be, IMO.

 

You'll put on a mask every day and the curtains will go up.

But you'll know the truth. Every time he'll tell you how good of a wife you've been or how beautiful it is that you were always faithfull to each other, you'll know the truth...

 

But you also do have a structural problem in yourself. By your own admission (I know, I pointed it out to death, but you never corrected me on this so I assume I am right) you don't see anything wrong with the act of cheating, it was just a matter of the affair that came from what should have happened one time.

 

You said that you won't cheat again, but if you don't see anything wrong with something, it will just be a matter of time because you end up doing it again. That's my experience of human nature. One year from now you'll be relieved that he noticed nothing, you'll be calm and collected and find yourself lonely and bored again,

 

Oh you might fight of the temptation the first time, maybe even the second, but fidelity is not one of your convinctions, so sooner or later you will do it again. And when you'll see you're not getting caugth, you'll do it again and again, until you get so self assured that you'll get sloppy and then you'll get caught.

 

And probably at that point you'll have to explain to your husband years of lies and deception.

 

So. if you DO get into counseling, the first subject you should bring up is not why did I have an affair? but why do I see nothing wrong with ****ing someone else while being married?

 

 

 

 

I really do love my husband and want to get through this.

 

Sorry missy, I don't believe this. I think you love being seen as THE PERFECT COUPLE with him.

 

If you actually loved him you wouldn't condemn him to a lifetime of lies and deception.

[katielee]

 

If you actually loved him you wouldn't condemn him to a lifetime of lies and deception.

 

right here ^^

[Liam1]

Please know that just because I may not do what you think is right does not mean that I don't care about what you have to say

Everyone's opinions and advice are welcome.

I can only approach this one step at a time which right now starts with finding a therapist.

As I mentioned, I have been out of town but will be looking into this asap.

Believe me I see the pros and cons of the telling vs not telling

I truly believe that he will never find out though as there really doesn't seem to be a way.

It is a decision I will have to make, and I hope a therapist can help me decide that with a clear head.

I really do love my husband and want to get through this.

 

Personally, If he does somehow find out, you can deal with it at that time.

 

I seriously doubt that he will make a difference.

 

Also please find a good infidelity counselor with a lot of experience with infidelity, rather that a simple marriage counselor or psychologist.

 

In addition, if you do decide to tell him, you might want to carefully examine your motivation.

Edited June 1, 2016 by Liam1