Broken

[Mrs. John Adams]

MJA, We assumed you and the Mr were watching Fixer Upper reruns (nice house move!)

 

To stay on point, often when a WS post on the infidlety side, there is often a initial barrage of 2x4s. OP, if you can withstand that, someone may post something and the tide will turn. You may never confess, but if these harsh words can assist to truly end the affair (and dont assume it is over) then perhaps that may be the best a forum can do.

 

 

I can multitask... I was actually watching roots this evening but I have my laptop on watching Loveshack as well.

 

Missey will be fine ... She is going to go to therapy... She has not mentioned an interest in reading the books recommended... They would help her but hey... She is making the best decisions for her.

 

Whether she decides to confess or not? I guess she will do what she thinks is best after therapy....

 

Macbride is right... Reconciliation is the rest of your life... We will see how that goes

 

I have been walking this road 33 years ... It ain't over til it's over

Edited June 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[understand50]

This thread has gotten a bit extreme.

Although I know I have done something terrible and deceitful, I am not a criminal.

I thought posting in this forum would help me work through my thoughts and what i have done, but it seems more that it is more so just a chance for people to tell me how awful I am

 

missy6six,

 

I would like you to think about this. It is to your credit, that what you have done weighs on your conscience. If you were a totally evil and bad person, this would not be so. I think that in time, you will realize that being open and honest with your loved one is the only way to go, but until then, take the baby steps. Start by being the best wife you can be and live a faithful life going forward now.

 

Remember, we are just "whispers on the internet" and while I encourage you to read and think about what everyone says to you, even the abuse, remember you get to take what you want or need.

 

You have taken the first steps, as someone once said, "when in hell, keep moving" Keep moving forward to a better you and life. The rest will fall into place. Show, what you can be, not what you were and the bad mistakes and actions you did. There is redemption for a wayward spouse, but it will take hard work.

 

I wish you luck, and the best outcome to be had in your situation......

[Mr. Lucky]

I thought posting in this forum would help me work through my thoughts and what i have done, but it seems more that it is more so just a chance for people to tell me how awful I am

 

Actually people are telling you you've done something awful, an act even good people have proven themselves capable of.

 

And because of that, you owe your spouse something.

 

You're free to continue to do awful things to him - lie, manipulate, deceive...no one can stop you.

 

The question only you can answer is, if you love him as you say you do, why would you want to ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[SummerDreams]

Reconciliation is the rest of your life... We will see how that goes

 

I have been walking this road 33 years ... It ain't over til it's over

 

I'm gettinf off topic again but I have to say, you make it sound like reconciliation is a punishment for life. I don't think a person should be punished for life for one mistake / bad choice they made once in their life and I don't want a husband who will forever hold me accountable for this. When you claim you forgive someone the bad thing they have done should not be brought up every circumstance or be remembered all the time. If this happens it means the BS can not forget or forgive and it's a torture to live with their WS and this is bad for both. Cheating is bad but there are so many different stories that I don't think we can connect them all in one "crime".

 

Missy has chosen to pass all her whole guilt and remorse as a way to punish herself that's why she doesn't want to talk to her H and probably lose him. Guilt is punishment enough for her.

[Moxie Lady]

I'm gettinf off topic again but I have to say, you make it sound like reconciliation is a punishment for life. I don't think a person should be punished for life for one mistake / bad choice they made once in their life and I don't want a husband who will forever hold me accountable for this. When you claim you forgive someone the bad thing they have done should not be brought up every circumstance or be remembered all the time. If this happens it means the BS can not forget or forgive and it's a torture to live with their WS and this is bad for both. Cheating is bad but there are so many different stories that I don't think we can connect them all in one "crime".

 

Missy has chosen to pass all her whole guilt and remorse as a way to punish herself that's why she doesn't want to talk to her H and probably lose him. Guilt is punishment enough for her.

 

I dont want to speak for Mrs A, but from reading her past and present posts, she has made it very clear that she and John are here discussing infidelity for the sake of helping others. She has said they dont discuss it otherwise. I am sure that John is not bringing that up every day and they are not discussing it every day and I am sure that John doesnt bring it up against her.

 

Reconciliation for 33 years just means they continue down that same path that they decided on and succeeded with all those years ago. Its still called reconciliation even if they dont talk about it every day or every week or however often. They know thats where they are.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You continue in reconciliation forever. You don't wake up and shout to the world... We are reconciled!

 

It is a process that continues everyday the rest of your life.

 

Healing continues... Forgiveness continues... Growth continues... And trust rebuilds

 

It is a process

[SummerDreams]

You continue in reconciliation forever. You don't wake up and shout to the world... We are reconciled!

 

It is a process that continues everyday the rest of your life.

 

Healing continues... Forgiveness continues... Growth continues... And trust rebuilds

 

It is a process

 

And as I said earlier I don't agree with it, in fact I don't even believe in it tbh. If a BS loves their WS and they want to forgive him/her, this period should last for a limited amount of time. The WS should not feel forever in debt if their spouse cause of one mistake - bad choice. The WS is still the same person their spouse loved and we are all human, mistakes should be forgiven and forgotten. I don't want a relationship where I have to prove myself to my SO every day for the rest of my life. It sounds like such energy consuming. Either you believe I regret my mistake and take me back treating me as equal or let me go, easy as that. Even murderers have a chance to live a normal life after their imprisonment.

[Mrs. John Adams]

And as I said earlier I don't agree with it, in fact I don't even believe in it tbh. If a BS loves their WS and they want to forgive him/her, this period should last for a limited amount of time. The WS should not feel forever in debt if their spouse cause of one mistake - bad choice. The WS is still the same person their spouse loved and we are all human, mistakes should be forgiven and forgotten. I don't want a relationship where I have to prove myself to my SO every day for the rest of my life. It sounds like such energy consuming. Either you believe I regret my mistake and take me back treating me as equal or let me go, easy as that. Even murderers have a chance to live a normal life after their imprisonment.

 

Well first... How long have you personally lived in reconciliation?

 

And secondly....I have an absolutely wonderful loving relationship with my husband. I don't live my life proving anything.

 

marriage is a process as is reconciliation ... As is life

 

You live it day by day

 

I don't know where you got the perception those who are reconciling live in a prison....

 

Missey has a long road ahead of her... She will get there taking one step at a time....

[SummerDreams]

Truth is I've not experienced infidelity or reconciliation and I don't talk by experience. I can't imagine myself though having to prove myself every day if I ever cheat on my H. I understand I will have to correct the mistake and earn his trust but if he chooses to keep me he will have to eventually forget and treat me as an equal in the R again.

 

Missy has chosen to pay her "debt" of her mistake by having a lifelong guilt and spare her H of the pain the truth will cause him. I find it brave of her to do that. Most cheaters just confess because they want to share their hurt and pain and they hope to hear "I love you so I forgive you". Missy's H may forgive her eventually but I get a feeling SHE won't forgive herself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Truth is I've not experienced infidelity or reconciliation and I don't talk by experience. I can't imagine myself though having to prove myself every day if I ever cheat on my H. I understand I will have to correct the mistake and earn his trust but if he chooses to keep me he will have to eventually forget and treat me as an equal in the R again.

 

Missy has chosen to pay her "debt" of her mistake by having a lifelong guilt and spare her H of the pain the truth will cause him. I find it brave of her to do that. Most cheaters just confess because they want to share their hurt and pain and they hope to hear "I love you so I forgive you". Missy's H may forgive her eventually but I get a feeling SHE won't forgive herself.

 

Fair enough...you are basing your comments on speculation and perception...and i am basing my comments on my personal journey of 33 years...a lifetime.

 

Once trust has been destroyed...it takes many many years to rebuild. You do that by becoming transparent, setting strict boundaries, and becoming remorseful....and one of the biggest elements in reestablishing trust.... is TIME.

 

My husband and I are equal in our relationship....probably more so than we have ever been...you see

The more remorseful I have become...the more my husband trusts me. The more he trusts me, the more he lets go, the more he lets go, the closer we become, the closer we become, the more he helps me do the work.

 

Forgiveness is a gift....the secret to forgiveness...is learning how to accept it.....from your betrayed spouse and from yourself. You are right....Missey may never forgive herself...I still struggle with that myself.

 

You are making many assumptions about how Missey feels and thinks and what her future holds and why she is making the choices she is making.

 

Having walked the same path as Missey...I can tell you...I did not confess to share my hurt and hear my husband say I love you...I forgive you. I confessed because it was the right thing to do. I could have lived my life and kept my secret...I could have "spared" my husband terrible hurt and pain. But I also knew that relationships are built on honesty...trust is built on honesty.....and quite frankly....I had lied enough....and I only met my AP one time....Missey has a years worth of lying and deceit...of dishonesty and selfishness...to overcome.

 

I am not asking for you to agree with me...I did what was right...what was fair. I confessed...and my reasoning was not as you speculate. You hold Missey is high regard because she is choosing to "keep" her secret and "save" her husband....and maybe you are right....I don't know what is in her heart. But I suspect she will keep her secret...to save Missey....she is afraid she will lose her husband...and that is absolutely a possibility....but she may lose him anyway...even if she keeps her secret.

 

I cannot predict what is going to happen in Missey's marriage. But I can tell you statistically...if her husband does find out about this betrayal from anyone other than her...it decreases her odds of successful reconciliation. I can tell you that if there are issues in this marriage....and I suspect there are...they need to be addressed together. If her husband does not know what those issues are....how can he work on them?

 

Anyway....Missey has been given a ton of information....and she has lots of support from folks here...even people who disagree with one another.

 

She will make her decisions based on what is right for her. I told her in my very first post...there will be information given....take what you need and disregard the rest.

[aliveagain]

Truth is I've not experienced infidelity or reconciliation and I don't talk by experience. I can't imagine myself though having to prove myself every day if I ever cheat on my H. I understand I will have to correct the mistake and earn his trust but if he chooses to keep me he will have to eventually forget and treat me as an equal in the R again.

 

Missy has chosen to pay her "debt" of her mistake by having a lifelong guilt and spare her H of the pain the truth will cause him. I find it brave of her to do that. Most cheaters just confess because they want to share their hurt and pain and they hope to hear "I love you so I forgive you". Missy's H may forgive her eventually but I get a feeling SHE won't forgive herself.

 

Those that have been cheated on never, ever forget. You choose to live with the knowledge because your spouse has done enough to warrant your forgiveness, forgiveness doesn't erase it from your mind. It will forever be the white elephant in the room. You both know it's there but just don't talk about it anymore. I call bulls*t on the chosen to pay her debt part, all she is doing is saving her cheating a$$ because I don't think she has it in her to do the hard work to save her marriage. The reason I say this is just look at the way she chose to deal with her boredom issue. Temporary, selfish quick fixes that were only about her.

 

My guess is something will happen, today, next week, next month, 3 years from now or on her or his death bed that will cause this information to come to light. There is time to deal with it now, that may not be the case later. Who wants to be dealing with this at such a personal time, after all, who knows what's waiting for you on the other side? Perhaps someone can correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that adultery is a sin in every religion.

Edited June 2, 2016 by aliveagain

[Mrs. John Adams]

Those that have been cheated on never, ever forget. You choose to live with the knowledge because your spouse has done enough to warrant your forgiveness, forgiveness doesn't erase it from your mind. It will forever be the white elephant in the room. You both know it's there but just don't talk about it anymore. I call bulls*t on the chosen to pay her debt part, all she is doing is saving her cheating a$$ because I don't think she has it in her to do the hard work to save her marriage. The reason I say this is just look at the way she chose to deal with her boredom issue. Temporary, selfish quick fixes that were only about her.

 

My guess is something will happen, today, next week, next month, 3 years from now or on her or his death bed that this information will come to light. There is time to deal with it now, that may not be the case later. Who wants to be dealing with this at such a personal time, after all, who knows what's waiting for you on the other side? Perhaps someone can correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that adultery is a sin in every religion.

 

The bottom line is...it is her call. She may live to regret her decision to remain secretive....she may not. Only time will tell.

 

There are so many issues here...and we know so few details. For those of us who have walked this journey...we understand and know the pain and devastation caused by infidelity....not only for the betrayed...but for the betrayer. It ruins lives and it isn't to be taken lightly. It has to be weighed heavily and approached with as much information as possible.

 

The first right thing Missey has done...is to gather information.

[understand50]

Those that have been cheated on never, ever forget. You choose to live with the knowledge because your spouse has done enough to warrant your forgiveness, forgiveness doesn't erase it from your mind. It will forever be the white elephant in the room. You both know it's there but just don't talk about it anymore. I call bulls*t on the chosen to pay her debt part, all she is doing is saving her cheating a$$ because I don't think she has it in her to do the hard work to save her marriage. The reason I say this is just look at the way she chose to deal with her boredom issue. Temporary, selfish quick fixes that were only about her.

 

My guess is something will happen, today, next week, next month, 3 years from now or on her or his death bed that will cause this information to come to light. There is time to deal with it now, that may not be the case later. Who wants to be dealing with this at such a personal time, after all, who knows what's waiting for you on the other side? Perhaps someone can correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that adultery is a sin in every religion.

 

The bottom line is...it is her call. She may live to regret her decision to remain secretive....she may not. Only time will tell.

 

There are so many issues here...and we know so few details. For those of us who have walked this journey...we understand and know the pain and devastation caused by infidelity....not only for the betrayed...but for the betrayer. It ruins lives and it isn't to be taken lightly. It has to be weighed heavily and approached with as much information as possible.

 

The first right thing Missey has done...is to gather information.

 

Missey, is doing baby steps, and we should not expect large movement in a short amount of time. Aliveagain, you are right, it would be much better if she dealt with it now, and she does have things she needs to work on with herself. As for any other issues in the marriage, we just do not know, but in light of her actions, something major is wrong. Also, this was not a ONS. The chance of her cheating being found out is much larger. That would be much worse, then her telling her husband.

 

What she is going to decide and what actions she takes, I think, will require some time for her to realize what to do. She is not going to rush. At this time, she lacks the courage to tell her husband. She may find it, people tend to given time and knowing what is right. In the mean time, lets acknowledge her fist steps in stopping the affair, and coming here asking for advise. Hopefully more will follow. For Missey, it will take time.

 

I wish her luck.......

[aliveagain]

I agree Mrs. J.A. The other key thing she has done is come here to ask strangers for their help while she thinks about her options. The questions I ask are: did our reply's help her enough? Will she remain no contact with the guy that's helping her destroy her marriage? Will she stop wasting her energies on the wrong man and put them where they should be if she really want's to save her marriage? Will she look deep enough into herself with professional help to find the root cause of why she did this to both her and her husband? Will she fix it so nothing is left dangling and the emptiness she is feeling is filled with the love she deserves? There is only one person that can forgive you and you need to find the strength to ask. Just so you know that the stranger writing this to you forgives you but I don't count in the same way.

[understand50]

You continue in reconciliation forever. You don't wake up and shout to the world... We are reconciled!

 

It is a process that continues everyday the rest of your life.

 

Healing continues... Forgiveness continues... Growth continues... And trust rebuilds

 

It is a process

 

Work on a marriage continue forever. If nothing had happen on our marriage, we would still have to work at it. Infidelity, just adds a layer that makes things harder, despite any perceived benefits. So marriage, and reconciliation go on until you part. If you divorce and have kids, some type will have to be done for their sake. I sometimes get the feeling that folks just want a maintenance free marriage. No work, no worries, does not exist.

 

Infidelity, colors everything going forward. It can be put in a box, but will pop out when stress and other things happen. One spouse, knows that other betrayed them. Add that to all the other fun stuff in a marriage, and you see, it can make things difficult, but not impossible. Having been trough two major jolts, her ONS way early in our relationship, and then her overspending, I can see from my point of view, that in each, hard work was required. When the over spending, not a trivial amount, her past infidelity, came out as a resentment, to add to the resentment I was going trough.

 

So, work on your marriage goes on, and reconciliation, to each other, goes on as well. As time passes, reconciliation, becomes for the BS, remembering, that you did forgive, and that past transgression should not be used or brought up when other stress happen in a marriage. For the WS, reconciliation is remembering that you did hurt and betray, and that you need to go the extra mile, to let them know it will not happen again.

 

For both, it is working on the problem and issues at hand, and not letting the past prevent you from moving forward and solving them. This is what my wife and I, and many others do. It will be what Missey and her husband will need to do, but the first and main ingredient, is honesty.

 

My two cents.........

[SummerDreams]

Those that have been cheated on never, ever forget. You choose to live with the knowledge because your spouse has done enough to warrant your forgiveness, forgiveness doesn't erase it from your mind. It will forever be the white elephant in the room. You both know it's there but just don't talk about it anymore.

 

That's why if I ever was cheated on I'd not want to know. Because I would know that I would not be able to stay with my H not because I won't be able to forgive him (mistakes are human and I'm sure I'll be halff responsible for it) but because there will always be something between us, something stronger and more destructive than the infidelity itself. This something will be destroying everything, our moments of happiness, our chance of a good time etc. We'll be watching a movie and something will remind us of the infidelity and there will be resentment. No, I don't want to know. And I truly suggest to the OP to keep it a secret, at least for now. She is in no emotional state atm to take more guilt and hurt than she already is having.

[italianjob]

1.

No, she doesn't get to go after random guys, cheat with them for a year and then play this romantic heroin taking the pain of the world upon her shoulders. That's plain bull****.

It IS her call to decide to tell or not, but she only gets to take credit for the effect that this will have on HER (Save her ass).

If this will spare her H pain or get in the way of his getting a woman who actually appreciates him is not hers to decide, so her decision not to tell will take that away from him and that is the only sure and known effect of her decision (all the rest is just projection and wishful thinking, nothing more).

2.

To reconciliate you need two parties knowing they are reconciling and what they are reconciling from. That means she's not reconciling and (Sorry MJA) not even taking any step into that path. She's just putting on a show, that may work or not, we'll see for how much time, but reconciliation is something completely different.

[katielee]

1.

 

To reconciliate you need two parties knowing they are reconciling and what they are reconciling from. That means she's not reconciling and (Sorry MJA) not even taking any step into that path. She's just putting on a show, that may work or not, we'll see for how much time, but reconciliation is something completely different.

 

exactly. How can it be called reconciliation when someone is without important knowledge of what is going on in the relationship?

[Mrs. John Adams]

That's why if I ever was cheated on I'd not want to know. Because I would know that I would not be able to stay with my H not because I won't be able to forgive him (mistakes are human and I'm sure I'll be halff responsible for it) but because there will always be something between us, something stronger and more destructive than the infidelity itself. This something will be destroying everything, our moments of happiness, our chance of a good time etc. We'll be watching a movie and something will remind us of the infidelity and there will be resentment. No, I don't want to know. And I truly suggest to the OP to keep it a secret, at least for now. She is in no emotional state atm to take more guilt and hurt than she already is having.

 

Summer...

 

Your picture of reconciliation and recovery are not really on target ... At least in my life.

 

Sure there are triggers.. Yes a movie can certainly remind us of where we have been... But there is no resentment ... There is sadness.. Sadness for innocence lost that can never be given back... But missey will have those triggers whether she discloses or not. And she will have to deal with them alone.

 

When John has a trigger I am there to love him through it.. To hold his hand... To reassure him that he is indeed the love of my life.. And he does the same for me.

 

Disclosure means we share everything together... And the load is much lighter when carried by two.

 

When infidelity occurs .. Along with it comes so many things. I am so glad I have John to help me and I am so glad he allows me to help him as well.

 

This is teamwork... Reconciliation is teamwork.

 

Infidelity is the choice made by one part of a couple but it affects both of them for the rest of their lives. We can choose to let it define who we are .. But John and I choose to see where we have been and how far we have come.

[Mrs. John Adams]

1.

No, she doesn't get to go after random guys, cheat with them for a year and then play this romantic heroin taking the pain of the world upon her shoulders. That's plain bull****.

It IS her call to decide to tell or not, but she only gets to take credit for the effect that this will have on HER (Save her ass).

If this will spare her H pain or get in the way of his getting a woman who actually appreciates him is not hers to decide, so her decision not to tell will take that away from him and that is the only sure and known effect of her decision (all the rest is just projection and wishful thinking, nothing more).

2.

To reconciliate you need two parties knowing they are reconciling and what they are reconciling from. That means she's not reconciling and (Sorry MJA) not even taking any step into that path. She's just putting on a show, that may work or not, we'll see for how much time, but reconciliation is something completely different.

 

I agree with you... But she is only one week into no contact

 

I do remember ... I did not confess for a couple of weeks

 

She is still trying to wrap her head around this .. I actually have great faith in her... I already see a little growth and acceptance.

 

I think when she get into therapy... When she reads the books suggested... When she looks into her husbands eyes... She will do the right thing. It may not be what I think it the right thing or what you think is the right thing ...

 

But she will process and she will act accordingly.

 

We can brow beat her from now until doomsday.. But we are not in control.. She is

 

Let's continue to encourage her... And then ultimately her decision is hers and her mistakes are hers.

 

We will have done what she asked for...

[italianjob]

I agree with you... But she is only one week into no contact

 

I do remember ... I did not confess for a couple of weeks

 

She is still trying to wrap her head around this .. I actually have great faith in her... I already see a little growth and acceptance.

 

I think when she get into therapy... When she reads the books suggested... When she looks into her husbands eyes... She will do the right thing. It may not be what I think it the right thing or what you think is the right thing ...

 

But she will process and she will act accordingly.

 

We can brow beat her from now until doomsday.. But we are not in control.. She is

 

Let's continue to encourage her... And then ultimately her decision is hers and her mistakes are hers.

 

We will have done what she asked for...

 

I don't see her turning around, she sounds too much self entitled to me.

 

I hope you're right...

[ladydesigner]

You continue in reconciliation forever. You don't wake up and shout to the world... We are reconciled!

 

It is a process that continues everyday the rest of your life.

 

Healing continues... Forgiveness continues... Growth continues... And trust rebuilds

 

It is a process

 

Agreed once infidelity occurs I agree it is a process that continues forever. Triggers will always come from time to time and the A may need to be discussed again. It doesn't ever go away. It will always be a part of the fabric of the marriage. Don't cheat if you don't want the permanent record.

[wmacbride]

Well first... How long have you personally lived in reconciliation?

 

And secondly....I have an absolutely wonderful loving relationship with my husband. I don't live my life proving anything.

 

marriage is a process as is reconciliation ... As is life

 

You live it day by day

 

I don't know where you got the perception those who are reconciling live in a prison....

 

Missey has a long road ahead of her... She will get there taking one step at a time....

 

If one thinks of marriage as being like bone, infidelity would a fracture. It ca heal again and be even stronger, so long as it receives the proper attention. Mind you, ever so often, there can be a shadow of the pain the cheating caused, much like how a bone that was broken can ache a bit when it rains.

[sandylee1]

my husband? he has plenty of spice believe me.

"to be fair" - really interesting choice of words.... to be fair - IMO, tell him the truth. They're on unequal playing fields right now. To be fair - tell him the truth so HE can make choices. Right now, things aren't fair.

 

Things weren't fair the moment she began the affair and telling him about it still doesn't put them on a level playing field. I can see that she doesn't want to end this marriage and says she loves her husband.

 

I think anyone who cheats should expect their spouse to divorce them if they find out. So if she doesn't want to get divorced why would she do that?

 

Most BSs would want to know (me included) , but from the WS POV, they don't want their bad behaviour to come to light. It's human nature to not want to deal with the shame andthe devastation that will come.

 

For me the damage to the marriage is the act of cheating and not the part of not confessing. I know trickle truth is awful, but that's when there has been a dday.

 

If as a BS I found out there was an affair, my anger /hurt would not be because he didn't confess, it would be because he cheated in the first place.

[missy6six]

Im not self entitled, but can understand why you think that. I'm still here, still reading, still processing.

it has almost been 10 days of no contact with my affair partner. My head is starting to clear and see through the fog. Not all that is left is pretty and I have a lot to figure out still. I am back from my trip and will be seeking out a therapist (not even sure where to start). That will be my first step.

This thread is strangely helpful despite some of the harsh words. I come back and re-read and am reminded of the severity of what i have done. Somehow that makes me even more determined to fix this.

Edited June 5, 2016 by missy6six