Broken

[DKT3]

I am still here and reading through those responses that have offered helpful advice.

Who are you to determine whether my marriage is worth saving?

 

You stated in the original post that you wanted to fix your marriage, you wanted it back to what it was.

[66Charger]

I am still here and reading through those responses that have offered helpful advice.

Who are you to determine whether my marriage is worth saving?

 

The only person to determine whether your marriage is worth saving is your husband.

 

Not you. You forfeited that right. Not us. Your husband.

 

Everything else is just lies or trying to save yourself, which is understandable, since most anonymous posters would agree that a A of this magnitude will probaly end the marriage.

 

But others believe a affair may not end the marriage and is not the worst thing that can happen. They council silence. Few are BS though.

 

At the end of the day. Your life. Your husbands life. Your decision.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The only person to determine whether your marriage is worth saving is your husband.

 

Not you. You forfeited that right. Not us. Your husband.

 

Everything else is just lies or trying to save yourself, which is understandable, since most anonymous posters would agree that a A of this magnitude will probaly end the marriage.

 

But others believe a affair may not end the marriage and is not the worst thing that can happen. They council silence. Few are BS though.

 

At the end of the day. Your life. Your husbands life. Your decision.

 

^^^^^^^this... Exactly

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Missy,

 

You have made a decision, now what?

 

Up to this point I feel I know more about the AP than your husband.

 

If you are going to do this you need to start asking, how do I protect my husband? How do I make sure he feels loved and supported. Can you do that? I have never read of avsuccessful reconciliation that the WS dd not think this way.

[Liam1]

I am still here and reading through those responses that have offered helpful advice.

Who are you to determine whether my marriage is worth saving?

 

Missy:

 

I hope you are okay.

 

Of course your marriage is worth saving. It only matters whether or not you think it is:

 

I hope you have found a good infidelity counselor. The counselor can guide you without passing judgement or TELLING you want to do. They will suggest and advise only.

 

There was a world famous infidelity specialist named Shirley Glass. She died a few years ago. She wrote a book called not just friends. I think it may help you.

 

In her book, she details situations where she believes it is BEST to NOT tell the spouse about an affair.

 

You marriage can be stronger after an affair. My marriage is stronger and better now than it was for many years.

 

Here is a quote from a Psychology today, Q&A article

 

Q. Can it ever be the same as it was before the affair?

 

Dr.G. The affair creates a loss of innocence and some scar tissue. I tell couples things will never be the same. But the relationship may be stronger than it was before. If you break something and glue it back together with Super-Glue, it could be stronger than before--although you can see the cracks when you look closely.[/b}

[drifter777]

I am still here and reading through those responses that have offered helpful advice.

Who are you to determine whether my marriage is worth saving?

You determined that your marriage doesn't mean much to you - why would you think I would come to any other conclusion? Think of most of us here as a mirror. You might not like what you see but it is exactly as it appears.

 

The reason I've advocated that you not tell your husband is for his sake. It's unnecessary pain to put him through and doesn't help his life one bit. If you divorce now than the chances he will ever find out drop to near zero. But if you stay the chances are actually much greater than you are willing to admit. Your OM might decide to drop him an anonymous note with some clear evidence. Or you haven't covered every single track as well as you think and he'll stumble across the truth. So divorce has nothing to do with you - it's for him.

 

You say you are not a bad person and most would accept this at face value. They say all the time here at LS that "good people can do a bad thing". I've never accepted this because people are what they do. Like in Forrest Gump - "stupid is as stupid does". Well, someone who murders is a murderer - capable of taking a human life. Same for a thief or rapist. So someone who cheats on their spouse is a cheater; an adulterer. You don't see yourself this way, nor do any other WS's here or anywhere. But the fact remains that you are an adulteress and anything else is just rationalization so you can live with yourself.

[ladydesigner]

You determined that your marriage doesn't mean much to you - why would you think I would come to any other conclusion? Think of most of us here as a mirror. You might not like what you see but it is exactly as it appears.

 

The reason I've advocated that you not tell your husband is for his sake. It's unnecessary pain to put him through and doesn't help his life one bit. If you divorce now than the chances he will ever find out drop to near zero. But if you stay the chances are actually much greater than you are willing to admit. Your OM might decide to drop him an anonymous note with some clear evidence. Or you haven't covered every single track as well as you think and he'll stumble across the truth. So divorce has nothing to do with you - it's for him.

 

You say you are not a bad person and most would accept this at face value. They say all the time here at LS that "good people can do a bad thing". I've never accepted this because people are what they do. Like in Forrest Gump - "stupid is as stupid does". Well, someone who murders is a murderer - capable of taking a human life. Same for a thief or rapist. So someone who cheats on their spouse is a cheater; an adulterer. You don't see yourself this way, nor do any other WS's here or anywhere. But the fact remains that you are an adulteress and anything else is just rationalization so you can live with yourself.

 

Yes I believe good people can do a bad thing too. When this 'bad thing' happens again you betcha you aren't too great of a person. What I always wonder is why WS's, especially the one's that aren't remorseful say this. My WH just said this to me recently that he is a "good person" What does that even mean. My WH put me through False R for 2 years and has been unremorseful since, but he see's himself as a "good person."

 

This sort of reminds me of the people who hide under their religious blanket claiming they will be forgiven for their sins and then go on to do the same damn thing.

[Liam1]

This thread has gotten a bit extreme. ...

 

I thought posting in this forum would help me work through my thoughts and what i have done, but it seems more that it is more so just a chance for people to tell me how awful I am

 

Hi Missy:

 

There is a Q&A Time magazine article with the title "Why Good People Cheat"

 

The person interviewed in the TIME article is Mira Kirshenbaum, a couples' counselor and the author of When Good People Have Affairs.

 

It may also be helpful for you to read it. I am relieved to see that you are looking for counselor.

 

Here is a portion of the Time magazine Q&A article:

 

Q: You argue that the majority of people who have affairs are actually good people who just made a mistake. Isn't that letting them off the hook?

 

A: No. They're good people because they really are suffering. And they don't know what to do. They want love in their life, [and] they feel that there's something radically wrong and they don't know how to correct it.

 

Q: You advise people never to confess to their partner that they've had an affair, even if they're asked point blank. But won't they miss out on that process of forgiveness?

 

A: There are many people who have no talent for forgiveness. It's as if they're frozen in this betrayal for years and years. If [you plan to stay in the marriage], why would you tell your spouse something that's going to devastate her and make it so much harder to heal? Couples end up talking for hours about every little detail. They want to know: Did you go there with her? Did you do this with him? The conversation becomes about a past that can't be changed. And it's heartbreaking. Don't ever lie again. But do not confess to an affair.

 

Q: You also argue that affairs can be good for a marriage. What do you mean?

 

A: They're a wake-up call. They tell you there's something seriously wrong here [and] you can't go on with business as usual. And if you really listen and you take that seriously and act on it, then you have an opportunity to make something wonderful happen.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes I believe good people can do a bad thing too. When this 'bad thing' happens again you betcha you aren't too great of a person. What I always wonder is why WS's, especially the one's that aren't remorseful say this. My WH just said this to me recently that he is a "good person" What does that even mean. My WH put me through False R for 2 years and has been unremorseful since, but he see's himself as a "good person."

 

This sort of reminds me of the people who hide under their religious blanket claiming they will be forgiven for their sins and then go on to do the same damn thing.

 

No one wants to think of themselves as bad.

 

I get very defensive when people call me bad...or when they compare me to a murderer. Yes I cheated...yes I lied...but I have also lived 33 years trying to make up for that one day in my life that i made a horrible choice. What you think of me does not reflect who I am...what my husband thinks of me does...and he thinks of me as his wife...not his wayward...not his adulteress....his wife.

 

If you think of your husband as an adulterer....then in your eyes...that is what he is. I hope he can show you the remorse you need for healing....I hope you can forgive him. You have a right to call him whatever you want...because he sinned against you.

 

I have been forgiven by my husband and I have been forgiven by my God...I have repented of my sin...and I am not covered by a religious blanket...I am covered by the blood of the Lamb.

 

I believe that in order to get forgiveness...you must confess....repent...and ASK for forgiveness...from the person you sinned against...and from God.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is a link to a book I also recommend. Affair Healing: A Manual for

Unfaithful Spouses, written by Tim Tedder

 

http://www.affairhealing.com/uploads/1/9/9/6/19961435/quickguide_12-steps-u1_150708.pdf

 

This is step two

 

Your secrets and lies have obviously taken a toll on your

marriage, but you have been paying a personal price as

well. Your dishonesty has become a trap. Most unfaithful spouses

only realize this after they commit to honesty and experience the

freedom that comes from simply speaking the truth.

There may be things you’re not ready to tell your spouse yet, maybe

things you’re not sure you will ever tell them. If so, it is better to say

nothing than to tell more lies, even if you convince yourself that you

lie to protect your spouse.

There are some parts of the truth that are best left unsaid. Certain

details (sexual details, comparisons to the affair partner, specific

dates, places or events, etc.) of your affair can cause permanent

damage to your spouse. These kinds of questions are best left unasked and unanswered but you cannot insist on

controlling the information. If you do, your spouse will believe you are still protecting the affair.

I would suggest that you say something like this: “I am willing to be completely honest with you. I am concerned

that my answers to some of your questions may hurt you more than they help you, so I’d like you to take some

time to think about them. After that, if you still want to know, I’ll tell you.” Seek the advice found in most good

affair recovery books, or from a qualified counselor, to direct both of you in this process. ￭

Edited June 11, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[missy6six]

Thank you Liam1 i actually just read this book this week.

I start therapy next week.

Who knows, despite what others think maybe there is hope for me.

[ladydesigner]

No one wants to think of themselves as bad.

 

I get very defensive when people call me bad...or when they compare me to a murderer. Yes I cheated...yes I lied...but I have also lived 33 years trying to make up for that one day in my life that i made a horrible choice. What you think of me does not reflect who I am...what my husband thinks of me does...and he thinks of me as his wife...not his wayward...not his adulteress....his wife.

 

If you think of your husband as an adulterer....then in your eyes...that is what he is. I hope he can show you the remorse you need for healing....I hope you can forgive him. You have a right to call him whatever you want...because he sinned against you.

 

I have been forgiven by my husband and I have been forgiven by my God...I have repented of my sin...and I am not covered by a religious blanket...I am covered by the blood of the Lamb.

 

I believe that in order to get forgiveness...you must confess....repent...and ASK for forgiveness...from the person you sinned against...and from God.

 

Mrs. Adams I did not mean to offend as I too am a fMOW. I am talking about repeat offenders like my WH. Every A is as different as is each WS. There are many unremorseful WS's calling themselves a "good person." I just don't understand it. I would rather my WH show me he is a good person and not just say it.

 

And neither the 'religious blanket' was implied towards you. Repeat offenders who keep going to church and keep offending because they will be 'forgiven' and not just infidelity, other bad things.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs. Adams I did not mean to offend as I too am a fMOW. I am talking about repeat offenders like my WH. Every A is as different as is each WS. There are many unremorseful WS's calling themselves a "good person." I just don't understand it. I would rather my WH show me he is a good person and not just say it.

 

And neither the 'religious blanket' was implied towards you. Repeat offenders who keep going to church and keep offending because they will be 'forgiven' and not just infidelity, other bad things.

 

I agree with you....ACTIONS do speak louder than words. LOVE is an ACTION....if you love me...then show me. Telling me is nice...but back it up with proving it to me...step one....be faithful.

 

I was not offended my dear....I just wanted to clarify.

[merrmeade]

Hi Missy:

 

There is a Q&A Time magazine article with the title "Why Good People Cheat"

 

The person interviewed in the TIME article is Mira Kirshenbaum, a couples' counselor and the author of When Good People Have Affairs.

 

It may also be helpful for you to read it. I am relieved to see that you are looking for counselor.

 

Here is a portion of the Time magazine Q&A article:

 

Q: You argue that the majority of people who have affairs are actually good people who just made a mistake. Isn't that letting them off the hook?

 

A: No. They're good people because they really are suffering. And they don't know what to do. They want love in their life, [and] they feel that there's something radically wrong and they don't know how to correct it.

 

Q: You advise people never to confess to their partner that they've had an affair, even if they're asked point blank. But won't they miss out on that process of forgiveness?

 

A: There are many people who have no talent for forgiveness. It's as if they're frozen in this betrayal for years and years. If [you plan to stay in the marriage], why would you tell your spouse something that's going to devastate her and make it so much harder to heal? Couples end up talking for hours about every little detail. They want to know: Did you go there with her? Did you do this with him? The conversation becomes about a past that can't be changed. And it's heartbreaking. Don't ever lie again. But do not confess to an affair.

 

Q: You also argue that affairs can be good for a marriage. What do you mean?

 

A: They're a wake-up call. They tell you there's something seriously wrong here [and] you can't go on with business as usual. And if you really listen and you take that seriously and act on it, then you have an opportunity to make something wonderful happen.

I think more important than whether or not you share details is that each of you has to genuinely feel and show that the other's need/hurt is just as important to you as your own, that you are deciding together whether divulging details will help or harm and why. (I did not have this but know it would have made all the difference.)

 

Also, it's a matter of how much detail, what kind and why. For example, my husband had multiple affairs that I only found out about after many years. Lots of water over the dam but I DID need to know what my history actually was, now that I knew other things were going on than what I'd believed. I had to re-explain to myself why certain things happened, including his behavior and our interactions. I needed to understand how and why he and the OW, since I knew every one of them, allowed it to happen.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hi Missy:

 

There is a Q&A Time magazine article with the title "Why Good People Cheat"

 

The person interviewed in the TIME article is Mira Kirshenbaum, a couples' counselor and the author of When Good People Have Affairs.

 

It may also be helpful for you to read it. I am relieved to see that you are looking for counselor.

 

Here is a portion of the Time magazine Q&A article:

 

Q: You argue that the majority of people who have affairs are actually good people who just made a mistake. Isn't that letting them off the hook?

 

A: No. They're good people because they really are suffering. And they don't know what to do. They want love in their life, [and] they feel that there's something radically wrong and they don't know how to correct it.

 

Q: You advise people never to confess to their partner that they've had an affair, even if they're asked point blank. But won't they miss out on that process of forgiveness?

 

A: There are many people who have no talent for forgiveness. It's as if they're frozen in this betrayal for years and years. If [you plan to stay in the marriage], why would you tell your spouse something that's going to devastate her and make it so much harder to heal? Couples end up talking for hours about every little detail. They want to know: Did you go there with her? Did you do this with him? The conversation becomes about a past that can't be changed. And it's heartbreaking. Don't ever lie again. But do not confess to an affair.

 

Q: You also argue that affairs can be good for a marriage. What do you mean?

 

A: They're a wake-up call. They tell you there's something seriously wrong here [and] you can't go on with business as usual. And if you really listen and you take that seriously and act on it, then you have an opportunity to make something wonderful happen.

 

 

Firstly, this author has also clearly stated in other articles, that if no protection was used, then one has an ethical duty to tell. Also, if there is a chance you will be found out, like one of the BS found out, then tell.

 

I am also perplexed how one is "to never lie again", but suggests to point blank lie about anything to do with the affair....how can they both exist?

 

I hate to point out the obvious, but this is no different than tricking your spouse to stay married to you. No one has the right to force their lack of ethics/morals on an unsuspecting spouse to live/condone.

 

In other words, what the "I" wants does not trump what/how others want to live their life and anyone who suggests that it is perfectly fine to steamroll over other people's right to have a relationship free of infidelity is only showing what a poor both parties unbiased couple counsellor they are.

Edited June 11, 2016 by AlwaysGrowing

[66Charger]

The waves are a little flat, so I ponder the good person bad person aspect in a relationship. And since this is the infidelity forum, we can dispense with the murderers, pedophiles, theives and other comparing nonsense.

 

Do good people do bad things, including cheating? Yes.

 

Do good people REPEATEDLY do bad things. No

 

Does a year long affair constitue "repeating"? Hmmmmm.

 

Do good people council others to do bad things? Like lie to your SO? Ummmm, No.

 

Is lying to protect oneself a bad thing? Not necessarily.

 

I can understand the thought process of not telling due to fear of divorce, but why justify it with anything else? There is no need. Fear is a strong justifier

Edited June 11, 2016 by 66Charger

[usa1ah]

Please know that just because I may not do what you think is right does not mean that I don't care about what you have to say

Everyone's opinions and advice are welcome.

I can only approach this one step at a time which right now starts with finding a therapist.

As I mentioned, I have been out of town but will be looking into this asap.

Believe me I see the pros and cons of the telling vs not telling

I truly believe that he will never find out though as there really doesn't seem to be a way.

It is a decision I will have to make, and I hope a therapist can help me decide that with a clear head.

I really do love my husband and want to get through this.

 

 

 

 

BS on the last part. You would have never F'ed another man for a year if you did.

[usa1ah]

If you decide to tell your H and work to save your marriage together I will wish you and your husband best of luck and hope you work it out.

 

 

If you decide to keep it from him, I hope he finds out and kicks you to the curb. If you can't be honest with him now you never will be.

 

 

You talk about fixing yourself and your marriage, your still blind to the fact that it can't be done with out your husband by your side. Did you forget this is how it all started a year ago.

 

 

I stand by my previous post, if you love your husband you would confide in him and trust that your and his love pulls you two thru.

 

 

I think you are in love with the marriage and not your husband. You love being married to him but not in love with him.

[missy6six]

I think I have taken all that I can from these posts.

To those who have offered advice I sincerely thank you.

I have a lot to consider and work on.

I know I ****ed up but I just can't keep coming back here to be told how horrible I am.

I know that I am, and part of me is so broken beyond belief that I can't even breath.

Maybe I deserve it and will feel like this forever.

I'm sure most of you think I deserve that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

you can request that the thread be locked

[usa1ah]

I think I have taken all that I can from these posts.

To those who have offered advice I sincerely thank you.

I have a lot to consider and work on.

I know I ****ed up but I just can't keep coming back here to be told how horrible I am.

I know that I am, and part of me is so broken beyond belief that I can't even breath.

Maybe I deserve it and will feel like this forever.

I'm sure most of you think I deserve that.

 

 

 

Broken I do not think you are a horrible person by any means.

 

 

What you did, yes a horrible thing. What defines use is what we do after.

 

 

Did you love your husband back when this started, I just can't see a husband or wife doing this to someone they love.

 

 

I also see you doing the same thing trying to fix what has happened. Until you start working with your husband as a team you will never fix this.

 

 

There is another thread by Katie where she had a one night stand at a party that her husband did not what her going to. She ended up getting knocked up. I think it was about 7-8 years ago. She knew the child was not his from DNA test. She had a MC session this past Friday to tell him.

 

 

You are not the only one going through this, there are to many to count. But until you include your husband you will never move forward.

 

 

Could he just walk away, yes. Could the two of you work TOGETHER and make your marriage stronger then ever, yes. Could things go back to the way they were before the affair, the two of you doing your own things, yes.

 

 

I would just let you know, if you and I were married and you were honest up front I would try and work it out. I would be mad, angry, hurt and wanting to destroy the POS that did this with you. But if I found out later some how, I would not even try.

 

 

If my wife did this, this is how I would have handled it.

 

 

Good luck Broken with however you decide to go with it.

[italianjob]

The waves are a little flat, so I ponder the good person bad person aspect in a relationship. And since this is the infidelity forum, we can dispense with the murderers, pedophiles, theives and other comparing nonsense.

 

Do good people do bad things, including cheating? Yes.

 

Do good people REPEATEDLY do bad things. No

 

Does a year long affair constitue "repeating"? Hmmmmm.

 

Do good people council others to do bad things? Like lie to your SO? Ummmm, No.

 

Is lying to protect oneself a bad thing? Not necessarily.

 

I can understand the thought process of not telling due to fear of divorce, but why justify it with anything else? There is no need. Fear is a strong justifier

 

I mostly agree with this except I wouldn't need to think about the next to last one.

 

On the other bolded sentence:

To protect oneself would be like:I'm afraid if I tell the truth he will beat me or kill me. That's protectiong oneself.

 

In this case she's not protecting herself, she is lying to trick another human being into doing something (staying in the marriage) that he might not want to do if he knew the truth. That's not protecting herself, that's committing fraud...

[italianjob]

If missy decided to lie to keep her husband, that's her choice to make.

 

Just don't talk about reconciliation or "saving the marriage", that's ridiculous... Neither can be done without the truth. You can't reconcile by yourself, he can't reconcile with what he doesn't know...

 

Without the truth, what you can do is put on a good farce, good luck with that.

[Marc878]

Once an affair takes place in a marriage it changes the dynamics permanently.

 

It can never be the same again. Can the marriage work after. Yes, if BOTH put in the time and effort. H doesn't know there's a problem so how does he help fix this? However, some cannot recover and it's best to move on.

 

An affair is a highly charged emotional state (sex on steroids) that can never be achieved in the marriage. The dynamics of an affair can't last long term but the memories will. It's an addiction. You have no boundaries in place no consequences so the likelihood of a repeat will be high.

 

You and your H do not at this point have a lot of time invested and no children. That's why you're getting a lot of "end this and start fresh". It takes two to work a marriage. Honesty and trust are key. At this time you have neither.

 

Good luck on whichever path you take.

 

A couple of suggestions "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Not Just Friends" are a great source of info to a marriage.

[Liam1]

I think I have taken all that I can from these posts.

To those who have offered advice I sincerely thank you.

I have a lot to consider and work on.

I know I ****ed up but I just can't keep coming back here to be told how horrible I am.

I know that I am, and part of me is so broken beyond belief that I can't even breath.

Maybe I deserve it and will feel like this forever.

I'm sure most of you think I deserve that.

 

Missy:

 

You are not a horrible person. Everyone is vulnerable to an affair depending on what is going on in their marriage and whether or not opportunity exists to have an affair. So please do not beat yourself up.

 

The people who are venting at you are most likely very angry at their own spouses and projecting that anger onto you. That likely feels safer to them then venting on a spouse because that would most likely cause that spouse to leave the marriage. So try not to take it personally.

 

IMO, you would be best served by identifying the issues in your marriage that made you vulnerable to an affair. In a marriage there are always two sides to every story.

 

That is why a good infidelity counselor can help you. They can show you the other side so that you will not take all the responsibility for deficits in the marriage onto your own shoulders.

 

Your marriage can be improved after an affair. It may be a different marriage but it can have all the good of the original marriage with the benefit of correcting issues that remained unresolved for too long.

 

I can not emphasize enough that my marriage is far better than it was thanks to a good infidelity counselor who was not judgmental and remained neutral and pointed out the things my wife was doing that normally destroy a marriage.

 

If you want to save the marriage most marriage counselors will agree to not divulge the affair, unless you want to.

 

Or, you do not have to tell the marriage counselor about the affair, although I think it is better if you do.

 

You love your spouse and it is very unlikely that you had an affair while your marriage is in a healthy state. A good infidelity counselor will delve into this with you and point this out to you.

 

In order to repair the marriage and reduce a vulnerability to affairs, it's important to address that deficit in order to salvage your marriage.

 

I know that I am, and part of me is so broken beyond belief that I can't even breath.

Maybe I deserve it and will feel like this forever.

I'm sure most of you think I deserve that.

 

There is no need to feel broken. You are simply a human being that succumbed to normal human desires.

 

You will not feel like that forever. Nor should you. Work on your marriage and focus on fixing issues that made you vulnerable whatever those issues may be.

 

Missy: You can block people who are not being helpful or who curse in their posts. I prefer not to report people, but you can also report them to a moderator.

 

I prefer to block insulting people.