Broken

[happiness-matters]

I'm a BS and here is my 2 cents. DO NOT TELL.

 

Telling is a VERY selfish act. It is to help you come clean...confess so you can feel better. It will have devastating consequences for your husband.

 

I found out 2 years ago and I am still suffering today. Our marriage is as close to perfect as anyone can get and it always has been.

 

Telling is all about you and what you need and how you need to heal.

 

I say...if you want this marriage to work, change you.

 

Start fresh today with a clean slate.

 

Wake up each morning and say to yourself...What can I do today to make his life better.

 

Start to treat him like he's the most amazing man you've ever met...

 

Even if you don't feel that way now...just start fresh.

 

I found out about my husbands affair...it destroyed me. It created soooo much pain and I would not EVER advise someone to tell.

 

You make this right by being the best wife and lover this man could ever wish for...stop all this I'm hurting crap...pick yourself up and make it right with him by actions...your actions to be better.

[usa1ah]

I'm a BS and here is my 2 cents. DO NOT TELL.

 

Telling is a VERY selfish act. It is to help you come clean...confess so you can feel better. It will have devastating consequences for your husband.

 

I found out 2 years ago and I am still suffering today. Our marriage is as close to perfect as anyone can get and it always has been.

 

Telling is all about you and what you need and how you need to heal.

 

I say...if you want this marriage to work, change you.

 

Start fresh today with a clean slate.

 

Wake up each morning and say to yourself...What can I do today to make his life better.

 

Start to treat him like he's the most amazing man you've ever met...

 

Even if you don't feel that way now...just start fresh.

 

I found out about my husbands affair...it destroyed me. It created soooo much pain and I would not EVER advise someone to tell.

 

You make this right by being the best wife and lover this man could ever wish for...stop all this I'm hurting crap...pick yourself up and make it right with him by actions...your actions to be better.

 

 

 

Sorry you got hurt, I really am. But for most cheaters, they will never stop until it is brought out into the open. They might stop for a time, but it normally starts up again.

[missy6six]

I'm still here reading, lurking. It gives me somewhere to fill the time that usually was spent emailing with him.

Therapy is good so far and I have been told that telling is not always the best option. I am addressing some issues I didn't really know i had and trying to refocus my energy back into the things that were important that I ignored while this was all going on.

I'm still reluctant to post much here as I still feel fragile and somewhat lost. I don't think I realized how much of my mental space has been occupied with this affair.

I'm trying to stay busy, focused and occupied.

[usa1ah]

Glad you are still "lurking".

 

 

The point I was trying to make was that you need to be a team with your husband. I really think the two of you need to work at this together. I also believe you owe it to him to tell him the truth. It would be a lot better coming from you then him finding out later.

 

 

I hope therapy continues to go well. When and if you tell your husband, I would invite him to a therapy session. That way your therapist can help the both of you through it.

[usa1ah]

I'm still here reading, lurking. It gives me somewhere to fill the time that usually was spent emailing with him.

Therapy is good so far and I have been told that telling is not always the best option. I am addressing some issues I didn't really know i had and trying to refocus my energy back into the things that were important that I ignored while this was all going on.

I'm still reluctant to post much here as I still feel fragile and somewhat lost. I don't think I realized how much of my mental space has been occupied with this affair.

I'm trying to stay busy, focused and occupied.

 

 

 

 

Can you start using part of the time to start slowly reconnecting with your husband?

 

 

The truth is always the best option just not always the easiest one. The harder the fight the greater the reward.

 

 

Do you have any family or close female friend you can confide in, someone to lean on during this time. Missy you need a family member if not your husband, you see this is supposed to be his post of duty a place of strength in your time of need. I hope he is that for you again one day.

[Liam1]

I'm still here reading, lurking. It gives me somewhere to fill the time that usually was spent emailing with him.

Therapy is good so far and I have been told that telling is not always the best option. I am addressing some issues I didn't really know i had and trying to refocus my energy back into the things that were important that I ignored while this was all going on.

I'm still reluctant to post much here as I still feel fragile and somewhat lost. I don't think I realized how much of my mental space has been occupied with this affair.

I'm trying to stay busy, focused and occupied.

 

As far as telling. Most men can not stand the thought of their wife having sex with anyone else but them.

 

That is why men are far more likely to make a rash decision to divorce a spouse after infidelity.

 

Women, even those that are financially solid, will typically NOT make a rash decision to divorce.

 

A lot of men regret divorcing a spouse over infidelity, but by the time they realize their own haste, the wife may not want to try to reconcile.

 

My counselor told my wife and I that a threat to divorce, and actually divorcing a spouse, are both far more harmful to a marriage than an affair.

 

There are several relationship books that discuss this, too.

 

There are things people do in a relationship that are far worse than an affair yet, a man will not divorce the spouse for those things. .......The mind movie of sex with another woman drives most men crazy, though.

 

Just some things to chew on.

[bummer]

Can you start using part of the time to start slowly reconnecting with your husband?

 

I hope you're filling the gaps positively!

[usa1ah]

I hope you're filling the gaps positively!

 

 

 

 

 

 

???um, what??? ******positively******positively*******

 

 

 

 

Yes, yes I am.

[usa1ah]

Missy, I won't be on here for a few weeks. So, best of luck young lady.

I truly believe you are remorseful for what you have done, courage now to do the right thing by your husband.

 

 

Good luck Missy, a hug from a friend. I have always believed we need to hit rock bottom to fine out who we truly are. Then start climbing and never stop looking to the top.

[ChickiePops]

It's not about being horrible. Yeah, you have made some incredibly large and very selfish mistakes. I think the frustration stems more from the question of what you are doing to remedy those mistakes.

 

So..what are you doing to fix things? How's that going?

[Silveron]

My mom's cousin was married for over 30+ years to her high school sweetheart. They lived in NJ. Had and raised a daughter together. They finally went on their dream vacation to Ireland.

 

 

During this time they were married, he would goto NYC for a weekend every month or so, to see his brother. Would even invite her as well.

 

 

About six months after their dream vacation, he died in front of her, her HS sweetheart, the only person she's been with is gone in front of her.

 

 

Two weeks after his funeral she finds a small safe, she never knew about. Doesn't have any keys. Got a locksmith to open the safe. What she found devastated her. Pictures of him and another woman in NYC. Not only pictures but divorce papers signed by him. Our guess was that the woman was pressuring him to divorce, so he got papers made and signed them about never submitted them to court, otherwise his wife would know.

 

 

She has no answers. She has no idea how long this has been going on for or if there has been others. She won't get answers either. She has no closure. She had no opportunity to make a decision in her own life because he did not come forward with what he has done.

 

 

It's one thing to make a mistake. It's another to lead your spouse on a certain path with their own life due to your truths that are untold.

 

 

He needs to know. He has that right. He deserves the respect to make his own decisions in regards to all of this. Perhaps the guilt you are feeling is not allowing him this right.

 

 

If you think you can hide it and push it away, it will come back in other ways. Don't let what happened to my mom's cousin happen to your family. You need to find the root of the issue and deal with this so you can move on with your life, otherwise this weed will grow back. It's good you are going to counseling, keep up with that. Above all else, it's time to be truthful now, to yourself and your husband.

[missy6six]

I'm sorry that your mom's cousin went through that, however my decision remains to not tell. I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation and my therapist supports my decision.

I know many of you feel differently and do not support my decision but I need to do what I think is best.

[DKT3]

As far as telling. Most men can not stand the thought of their wife having sex with anyone else but them.

 

That is why men are far more likely to make a rash decision to divorce a spouse after infidelity.

 

Women, even those that are financially solid, will typically NOT make a rash decision to divorce.

 

A lot of men regret divorcing a spouse over infidelity, but by the time they realize their own haste, the wife may not want to try to reconcile.

 

My counselor told my wife and I that a threat to divorce, and actually divorcing a spouse, are both far more harmful to a marriage than an affair.

 

There are several relationship books that discuss this, too.

 

There are things people do in a relationship that are far worse than an affair yet, a man will not divorce the spouse for those things. .......The mind movie of sex with another woman drives most men crazy, though.

 

Just some things to chew on.

 

That sounds good but the truth is men don't rash to divorce, on average it takes a BH 10 months to leave an unfaithful wife. What's going on now is the reason why. The male ego is unbelievable fragile his wife being with another man most of the time will steal most away, but her pining for the guy, protecting him and the affair is what actually ends marriages.

 

Take a look at the people here for example, those wives that were honest open and didn't defend the affair are still married and working toward a better tomorrow, those that gaslighted lied hide tge truth and still pin for mm/Om well? Stuck in limbo throwing more dirt on the husband and marriage. This is harder to come back from.

 

Getting over any relationship is difficult, more so when you don't really want to or really trying to. It's easy to say it harder to play actions behind the words.

[DKT3]

I'm sorry that your mom's cousin went through that, however my decision remains to not tell. I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation and my therapist supports my decision.

I know many of you feel differently and do not support my decision but I need to do what I think is best.

 

At the end of the day it's is your decision, but why do you think it's best.... please don't use the i don't want to hurt him line because it's too late for that

[aliveagain]

It is obvious that you will never confess your infidelity to your husband. It is your life and no one knows better then you as to how you should live it, good or bad. Just look at where you are now. Perhaps one day after discovery you will come back and tell us how it all worked out for you. I would bet a lot of money that discovery will happen one day and I hope it works out the way you hoped for. My final comment is that marriages with dishonest people rarely make it, hope yours is the exception, good luck to you.

[Liam1]

I'm sorry that your mom's cousin went through that, however my decision remains to not tell. I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation and my therapist supports my decision.

I know many of you feel differently and do not support my decision but I need to do what I think is best.

 

You have not yet hurt your husband.

 

He can not be hurt by something he does not even know happened.

 

Honesty is not always the best policy. There are definitely times when being honest is more cruel than kind.

 

Some people use brutal honest as a way to bludgeon others with their own opinions or personal sense of morality.

 

Then because they feel they have been honest that it somehow gives them the moral high ground, at least in their own minds.

 

As your counselor already advised, revealing an affair is not always the right thing to do.

 

Your counselor likely has much fuller and clearer picture of your personality, your husband's personality, and the state of your marriage then do the folks here, including me. So, IMO, Trust your counselor.

 

I do agree with your counselor, though. There is a time to be honest and time to zip one's lip, IMO.

 

The only time I would advocate being honest and telling your spouse about the affair is if he suspects and asks you outright if you are having an affair.

 

At that point to lie and then cause him to doubt his own intuition might be more cruel than kind.

 

Your spouse, however, does not suspect, and you say there is no way for him to find out.

 

And the latest stats on undiscovered affairs hover at 80 percent of spouses have had affairs their spouse does not know about and the marriage is humming along just fine.

 

Why throw a hand grenade into your spouse's world, simply because there is an old platitude that proclaims that "honesty is always the best policy". It is simply another human being who wrote those words, and it is only their opinion.

[DKT3]

Affairs rarely go unnoticed, it's amazing how many unfaithful people believe they do. Most of the time the shock turns into, "I knew something was going on" I can tell you first hand the is or isn't she phase is very painful and emotionally draining. Seeing signs but not wanting to address it for fear of it being true.

 

People in affairs can rarely maintain both relationship which is when the BS start to pick up signs. For me is was the change in her patterns such as the way she ended our phone conversation, the length it took to return my calls. A shift in things she was interested in, her being short tempered with me. The emotional distance was clearly evident.

 

No Liam WS are not as good as they think at hiding these things.

[DKT3]

I should also add some times the WS will overcompensate ex. I come home from a business trip and in the driveway sits this mountain bike. I've never had any interest in this activity so I'm confused as to why she would buy this thing for me. Later I find what appeared to be she was double charged for this bike, I ask her about it and she says she will take care of it....so yeah she got us both the very same bike. It's was something they did together most of the time.

[66Charger]

She knows. Deep down inside. Thats why she still reads. Looking for that 3rd way. That erase button. She has her IC and Liam, but this one has a conscience. That is the good in her. The deceit is destroying her and will destroy the marriage.

 

You may say you wont tell, missy, but When you realize there is no erase button, you will talk, be caught or find another reason to divorce. Your post may be defiant, but there is a undertone of anguish. I dont think you can live with this.

 

Why are you still here?

[Silveron]

I'm sorry that your mom's cousin went through that, however my decision remains to not tell. I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation and my therapist supports my decision.

I know many of you feel differently and do not support my decision but I need to do what I think is best.

 

 

Missy I am not trying to be mean. However, you said "I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation". This isn't just your situation. It's your husband's too, he just doesn't know it yet.

 

 

He will. It will come out, eventually. He has an intuition, an instinct. IMO any sort of keeping the marriage together basically lays with you in terms of you being honest. If he finds out any other way, knowing that you cheated and still being deceptive with your not telling him, good chance there will be no chance in saving the marriage.

 

 

Telling him about the affair is not suppose to relieve your guilt, it's about giving your husband the ability to make decisions about his life on facts. Would you want to know if your husband had an affair?

[missy6six]

I'm going to return to not posting.

Again I thank all for their input, however I think the recommendations of my therapist are more informed in this circumstance.

I respect those that told and were able to reconcile but surely everyone can't deal with things in the same manner.

[Mrs. John Adams]

of course no two situations are the same...because no two marriages or the same or no two people are the same.

 

I agree you should listen to your therapist....and follow her advice. As she begins to help you understand why you did this....her advice to you may change from her advice today.

 

As you grow...you may come to the conclusion...that you have made the right decision to not disclose...or you may decide you should disclose.

 

It all takes time...

 

I really hope you achieve peace because ultimately...that is what you are seeking.

 

you may want to have the mods lock the thread and reopen it when you are ready to talk some more. If you leave it open...you will likely continue to get comments that you disagree with and only upset you.

[Liam1]

I'm going to return to not posting.

Again I thank all for their input, however I think the recommendations of my therapist are more informed in this circumstance.

I respect those that told and were able to reconcile but surely everyone can't deal with things in the same manner.

 

Best wishes going forward, Missy.

 

I agree your counselor is the only person that can offer well-informed, objective, professional advice.

[Silveron]

Not sure why she came to post her story then.. She just wants to hear what she wants to hear. She just doesn't want to face the consequences for what she has done and IMO if the therapist were to tell her that she should tell her husband, she would probably quit therapy.

 

 

I just hope he finds out soon.

[missy6six]

At no point have I not listened. Just because I don't do what you want doesn't mean i am only wanting to hear what I want to hear.

Not everyone has to take the same path.

You hope he finds out? Why? It will make you feel better?