Broken

[DKT3]

I'm sorry that your mom's cousin went through that, however my decision remains to not tell. I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation and my therapist supports my decision.

I know many of you feel differently and do not support my decision but I need to do what I think is best.

 

At the end of the day it's is your decision, but why do you think it's best.... please don't use the i don't want to hurt him line because it's too late for that

[aliveagain]

It is obvious that you will never confess your infidelity to your husband. It is your life and no one knows better then you as to how you should live it, good or bad. Just look at where you are now. Perhaps one day after discovery you will come back and tell us how it all worked out for you. I would bet a lot of money that discovery will happen one day and I hope it works out the way you hoped for. My final comment is that marriages with dishonest people rarely make it, hope yours is the exception, good luck to you.

[Liam1]

I'm sorry that your mom's cousin went through that, however my decision remains to not tell. I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation and my therapist supports my decision.

I know many of you feel differently and do not support my decision but I need to do what I think is best.

 

You have not yet hurt your husband.

 

He can not be hurt by something he does not even know happened.

 

Honesty is not always the best policy. There are definitely times when being honest is more cruel than kind.

 

Some people use brutal honest as a way to bludgeon others with their own opinions or personal sense of morality.

 

Then because they feel they have been honest that it somehow gives them the moral high ground, at least in their own minds.

 

As your counselor already advised, revealing an affair is not always the right thing to do.

 

Your counselor likely has much fuller and clearer picture of your personality, your husband's personality, and the state of your marriage then do the folks here, including me. So, IMO, Trust your counselor.

 

I do agree with your counselor, though. There is a time to be honest and time to zip one's lip, IMO.

 

The only time I would advocate being honest and telling your spouse about the affair is if he suspects and asks you outright if you are having an affair.

 

At that point to lie and then cause him to doubt his own intuition might be more cruel than kind.

 

Your spouse, however, does not suspect, and you say there is no way for him to find out.

 

And the latest stats on undiscovered affairs hover at 80 percent of spouses have had affairs their spouse does not know about and the marriage is humming along just fine.

 

Why throw a hand grenade into your spouse's world, simply because there is an old platitude that proclaims that "honesty is always the best policy". It is simply another human being who wrote those words, and it is only their opinion.

[DKT3]

Affairs rarely go unnoticed, it's amazing how many unfaithful people believe they do. Most of the time the shock turns into, "I knew something was going on" I can tell you first hand the is or isn't she phase is very painful and emotionally draining. Seeing signs but not wanting to address it for fear of it being true.

 

People in affairs can rarely maintain both relationship which is when the BS start to pick up signs. For me is was the change in her patterns such as the way she ended our phone conversation, the length it took to return my calls. A shift in things she was interested in, her being short tempered with me. The emotional distance was clearly evident.

 

No Liam WS are not as good as they think at hiding these things.

[DKT3]

I should also add some times the WS will overcompensate ex. I come home from a business trip and in the driveway sits this mountain bike. I've never had any interest in this activity so I'm confused as to why she would buy this thing for me. Later I find what appeared to be she was double charged for this bike, I ask her about it and she says she will take care of it....so yeah she got us both the very same bike. It's was something they did together most of the time.

[66Charger]

She knows. Deep down inside. Thats why she still reads. Looking for that 3rd way. That erase button. She has her IC and Liam, but this one has a conscience. That is the good in her. The deceit is destroying her and will destroy the marriage.

 

You may say you wont tell, missy, but When you realize there is no erase button, you will talk, be caught or find another reason to divorce. Your post may be defiant, but there is a undertone of anguish. I dont think you can live with this.

 

Why are you still here?

[Silveron]

I'm sorry that your mom's cousin went through that, however my decision remains to not tell. I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation and my therapist supports my decision.

I know many of you feel differently and do not support my decision but I need to do what I think is best.

 

 

Missy I am not trying to be mean. However, you said "I don't believe that it is what is best in my situation". This isn't just your situation. It's your husband's too, he just doesn't know it yet.

 

 

He will. It will come out, eventually. He has an intuition, an instinct. IMO any sort of keeping the marriage together basically lays with you in terms of you being honest. If he finds out any other way, knowing that you cheated and still being deceptive with your not telling him, good chance there will be no chance in saving the marriage.

 

 

Telling him about the affair is not suppose to relieve your guilt, it's about giving your husband the ability to make decisions about his life on facts. Would you want to know if your husband had an affair?

[missy6six]

I'm going to return to not posting.

Again I thank all for their input, however I think the recommendations of my therapist are more informed in this circumstance.

I respect those that told and were able to reconcile but surely everyone can't deal with things in the same manner.

[Mrs. John Adams]

of course no two situations are the same...because no two marriages or the same or no two people are the same.

 

I agree you should listen to your therapist....and follow her advice. As she begins to help you understand why you did this....her advice to you may change from her advice today.

 

As you grow...you may come to the conclusion...that you have made the right decision to not disclose...or you may decide you should disclose.

 

It all takes time...

 

I really hope you achieve peace because ultimately...that is what you are seeking.

 

you may want to have the mods lock the thread and reopen it when you are ready to talk some more. If you leave it open...you will likely continue to get comments that you disagree with and only upset you.

[Liam1]

I'm going to return to not posting.

Again I thank all for their input, however I think the recommendations of my therapist are more informed in this circumstance.

I respect those that told and were able to reconcile but surely everyone can't deal with things in the same manner.

 

Best wishes going forward, Missy.

 

I agree your counselor is the only person that can offer well-informed, objective, professional advice.

[Silveron]

Not sure why she came to post her story then.. She just wants to hear what she wants to hear. She just doesn't want to face the consequences for what she has done and IMO if the therapist were to tell her that she should tell her husband, she would probably quit therapy.

 

 

I just hope he finds out soon.

[missy6six]

At no point have I not listened. Just because I don't do what you want doesn't mean i am only wanting to hear what I want to hear.

Not everyone has to take the same path.

You hope he finds out? Why? It will make you feel better?

[ladydesigner]

At no point have I not listened. Just because I don't do what you want doesn't mean i am only wanting to hear what I want to hear.

Not everyone has to take the same path.

You hope he finds out? Why? It will make you feel better?

 

I am a fMOW and had a RA that I disclosed many years later when I found out about my WH's second A. I was not comfortable with myself about what I had done until I had confessed. If you read some of my past posts I used to be adamant about not telling. One poster here told me that there would always be a barrier of intimacy because of my dirty secret. That poster was correct. While I am currently a BS I am very happy I disclosed. Me and my husband could go forward knowing what we have both done. I don't feel that barrier of intimacy anymore and I feel it was my guilt of keeping such a secret.

[66Charger]

If you do not tell, Will you ever be happy?

 

Truly deeply happy with your life, your marriage, your husband.

 

 

You see, this is what those who say to keep secrets will not tell you. There is a tradeoff for self preservation. And that tradeoff is your freedom.

 

Your freedom to love deeply and honestly. Your freedom to look in your husbands eyes and say the words. Your freedom to look in the mirror and not see something you do not wish to see. Your freedom from fear. Fear that something gets out. A question asked, and you will have to lie.

 

You have to ask yourself, what is your life really worth. You see, as much as this is made out to be about your husband, your last question was "will I survive.

 

So lets turn this to being about you. Are you willing to risk losing your husband, in order to be happy and have peace? Do you really want to carry this burden for years. Decades. Are you willing to sacrifice everything, that may be, because of your fear? Is this really how you want your life to be?

 

Honestly, I would rather take my chances on reconciliation or divorce than to live subservient to fear and the darkness.

 

Think about it. Hang around. Dont worry about getting beat up. Most have good intentions. Make your decision later.

Edited June 25, 2016 by 66Charger

[Lewhawk]

Honestly, yes, your husband finding out would make me feel better, my ex wife hid an affair for 9 years, that's 9 years of a fake marriage, 9 years wasted. The only reason people choose not to tell is to protect themselves from the results of their actions, every other excuse they give is just that, an excuse. Your marriage isn't worth saving, the reason is you cheated for a year and don't even have the decency to inform your husband so he can make up his own mind about his life, so your actions scream "not worth saving" a thousand times more than words from strangers on the internet do.

[missy6six]

In not sure why my husband finding out would make you feel any better about your situation.

Again I thank those that have offered actual advice from both sides of the tell vs don't tell camp.

I have definitely taken all advice on board.

Those that just come on here to wish the worst upon me or tell me my marriage is not worth saving, and that you hope he finds out, really? That somehow makes your situation better?

That makes no sense.

[DKT3]

In not sure why my husband finding out would make you feel any better about your situation.

Again I thank those that have offered actual advice from both sides of the tell vs don't tell camp.

I have definitely taken all advice on board.

Those that just come on here to wish the worst upon me or tell me my marriage is not worth saving, and that you hope he finds out, really? That somehow makes your situation better?

That makes no sense.

 

Those comments come from hurt and anger, having been on the other side where you've placed 100% faith in some one, it's extremely painful not only finding out about the affair but not understanding why the dynamic of your marriage has changed.

 

You are doing alot of damage to your husband you think simply because he doesn't know (I'm pretty confident he isn't clueless and suspects something, maybe not wanting to face it) that there is no hurt.

 

I'm a disclosure member 100%, but having listened to my wife and trying to place myself in her shoes I kinda get it, although it's not exactly falling on your sword, and its 95% selfish. The real problem is you can and will never have an authentic relationship with your husband with this hanging over your marriage. Make no mistake confession will most likely end your marriage, it's also the only way to improve it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes I agree dkt3...

 

Sometimes we have to be willing to lose it.... To save it.

[drifter777]

I have been a staunch supporter of "don't tell" in order to save your BH needless pain that can last a lifetime. In my opinion it serves no purpose because there is a strong likelihood you will cheat again because you have suffered no consequences. You will get bored and want the thrill of men chasing you and since you've already broke that boundary once it gets easier to do. The next time you might not be able to keep him from finding out so you will be subjecting him to the devastation of infidelity.

 

When I say "not worth saving" I mean:

 

1) your actions demonstrate that you are bored with your BH and crave to be desired and fussed over by other men. As I said, it's very likely you will cheat again.

 

2) The longer you are together with your BH the more likely it is that he will discover your cheating.

 

3) Even if you tell him and you guys try reconciliation there is a good chance it will end in divorce anyway. Without kids I think it's better for BOTH of you to make a clean break and start over.

 

Not telling him and trying to re-dedicate to your marriage is probably worth a try at this point since you seemed determined to do this anyway. Good luck - I hope you can save your BH the pain of discovering your cheating.

[Moxie Lady]

Im an advocate of telling but in your case I think you first have to resolve the question of Why. Why did you cheat? Until you address that I dont see how you will be able to ever feel remorse and help your BH thru the process of reconciliation (if that's what he decides).

 

Something to think about: If you are found out (or if you tell) but IF you continue to lie and trickle truth him after he finds out, I dont know any man who isnt a doormat who would not walk away and never look back, no matter how remorseful you might eventually become. We are not talking about a short affair, this is a YEAR. That is a hell of a lot of conscious decisions and planning to cheat on your H.

 

However, if you do get to the point where you can feel real remorse and you truly do want to rededicate yourself to your marriage (you arent even close to being there yet), if you come clean fully you may have a chance. So you have some work to do.

[usa1ah]

In not sure why my husband finding out would make you feel any better about your situation.

Again I thank those that have offered actual advice from both sides of the tell vs don't tell camp.

I have definitely taken all advice on board.

Those that just come on here to wish the worst upon me or tell me my marriage is not worth saving, and that you hope he finds out, really? That somehow makes your situation better?

That makes no sense.

 

 

 

Do most of use hope your marriage survives, YES.

 

 

But what type of marriage will it be built on lies?

 

 

About your therapist, you just happened to find one that thinks it is ok to live a lie. Something like the ones that same its ok the cheat it helps keep the sex going in the marriage. Living in a lie will never work missy. Try a different therapist and go from there.