Broken

[italianjob]

1.

No, she doesn't get to go after random guys, cheat with them for a year and then play this romantic heroin taking the pain of the world upon her shoulders. That's plain bull****.

It IS her call to decide to tell or not, but she only gets to take credit for the effect that this will have on HER (Save her ass).

If this will spare her H pain or get in the way of his getting a woman who actually appreciates him is not hers to decide, so her decision not to tell will take that away from him and that is the only sure and known effect of her decision (all the rest is just projection and wishful thinking, nothing more).

2.

To reconciliate you need two parties knowing they are reconciling and what they are reconciling from. That means she's not reconciling and (Sorry MJA) not even taking any step into that path. She's just putting on a show, that may work or not, we'll see for how much time, but reconciliation is something completely different.

[katielee]

1.

 

To reconciliate you need two parties knowing they are reconciling and what they are reconciling from. That means she's not reconciling and (Sorry MJA) not even taking any step into that path. She's just putting on a show, that may work or not, we'll see for how much time, but reconciliation is something completely different.

 

exactly. How can it be called reconciliation when someone is without important knowledge of what is going on in the relationship?

[Mrs. John Adams]

That's why if I ever was cheated on I'd not want to know. Because I would know that I would not be able to stay with my H not because I won't be able to forgive him (mistakes are human and I'm sure I'll be halff responsible for it) but because there will always be something between us, something stronger and more destructive than the infidelity itself. This something will be destroying everything, our moments of happiness, our chance of a good time etc. We'll be watching a movie and something will remind us of the infidelity and there will be resentment. No, I don't want to know. And I truly suggest to the OP to keep it a secret, at least for now. She is in no emotional state atm to take more guilt and hurt than she already is having.

 

Summer...

 

Your picture of reconciliation and recovery are not really on target ... At least in my life.

 

Sure there are triggers.. Yes a movie can certainly remind us of where we have been... But there is no resentment ... There is sadness.. Sadness for innocence lost that can never be given back... But missey will have those triggers whether she discloses or not. And she will have to deal with them alone.

 

When John has a trigger I am there to love him through it.. To hold his hand... To reassure him that he is indeed the love of my life.. And he does the same for me.

 

Disclosure means we share everything together... And the load is much lighter when carried by two.

 

When infidelity occurs .. Along with it comes so many things. I am so glad I have John to help me and I am so glad he allows me to help him as well.

 

This is teamwork... Reconciliation is teamwork.

 

Infidelity is the choice made by one part of a couple but it affects both of them for the rest of their lives. We can choose to let it define who we are .. But John and I choose to see where we have been and how far we have come.

[Mrs. John Adams]

1.

No, she doesn't get to go after random guys, cheat with them for a year and then play this romantic heroin taking the pain of the world upon her shoulders. That's plain bull****.

It IS her call to decide to tell or not, but she only gets to take credit for the effect that this will have on HER (Save her ass).

If this will spare her H pain or get in the way of his getting a woman who actually appreciates him is not hers to decide, so her decision not to tell will take that away from him and that is the only sure and known effect of her decision (all the rest is just projection and wishful thinking, nothing more).

2.

To reconciliate you need two parties knowing they are reconciling and what they are reconciling from. That means she's not reconciling and (Sorry MJA) not even taking any step into that path. She's just putting on a show, that may work or not, we'll see for how much time, but reconciliation is something completely different.

 

I agree with you... But she is only one week into no contact

 

I do remember ... I did not confess for a couple of weeks

 

She is still trying to wrap her head around this .. I actually have great faith in her... I already see a little growth and acceptance.

 

I think when she get into therapy... When she reads the books suggested... When she looks into her husbands eyes... She will do the right thing. It may not be what I think it the right thing or what you think is the right thing ...

 

But she will process and she will act accordingly.

 

We can brow beat her from now until doomsday.. But we are not in control.. She is

 

Let's continue to encourage her... And then ultimately her decision is hers and her mistakes are hers.

 

We will have done what she asked for...

[italianjob]

I agree with you... But she is only one week into no contact

 

I do remember ... I did not confess for a couple of weeks

 

She is still trying to wrap her head around this .. I actually have great faith in her... I already see a little growth and acceptance.

 

I think when she get into therapy... When she reads the books suggested... When she looks into her husbands eyes... She will do the right thing. It may not be what I think it the right thing or what you think is the right thing ...

 

But she will process and she will act accordingly.

 

We can brow beat her from now until doomsday.. But we are not in control.. She is

 

Let's continue to encourage her... And then ultimately her decision is hers and her mistakes are hers.

 

We will have done what she asked for...

 

I don't see her turning around, she sounds too much self entitled to me.

 

I hope you're right...

[ladydesigner]

You continue in reconciliation forever. You don't wake up and shout to the world... We are reconciled!

 

It is a process that continues everyday the rest of your life.

 

Healing continues... Forgiveness continues... Growth continues... And trust rebuilds

 

It is a process

 

Agreed once infidelity occurs I agree it is a process that continues forever. Triggers will always come from time to time and the A may need to be discussed again. It doesn't ever go away. It will always be a part of the fabric of the marriage. Don't cheat if you don't want the permanent record.

[wmacbride]

Well first... How long have you personally lived in reconciliation?

 

And secondly....I have an absolutely wonderful loving relationship with my husband. I don't live my life proving anything.

 

marriage is a process as is reconciliation ... As is life

 

You live it day by day

 

I don't know where you got the perception those who are reconciling live in a prison....

 

Missey has a long road ahead of her... She will get there taking one step at a time....

 

If one thinks of marriage as being like bone, infidelity would a fracture. It ca heal again and be even stronger, so long as it receives the proper attention. Mind you, ever so often, there can be a shadow of the pain the cheating caused, much like how a bone that was broken can ache a bit when it rains.

[sandylee1]

my husband? he has plenty of spice believe me.

"to be fair" - really interesting choice of words.... to be fair - IMO, tell him the truth. They're on unequal playing fields right now. To be fair - tell him the truth so HE can make choices. Right now, things aren't fair.

 

Things weren't fair the moment she began the affair and telling him about it still doesn't put them on a level playing field. I can see that she doesn't want to end this marriage and says she loves her husband.

 

I think anyone who cheats should expect their spouse to divorce them if they find out. So if she doesn't want to get divorced why would she do that?

 

Most BSs would want to know (me included) , but from the WS POV, they don't want their bad behaviour to come to light. It's human nature to not want to deal with the shame andthe devastation that will come.

 

For me the damage to the marriage is the act of cheating and not the part of not confessing. I know trickle truth is awful, but that's when there has been a dday.

 

If as a BS I found out there was an affair, my anger /hurt would not be because he didn't confess, it would be because he cheated in the first place.

[missy6six]

Im not self entitled, but can understand why you think that. I'm still here, still reading, still processing.

it has almost been 10 days of no contact with my affair partner. My head is starting to clear and see through the fog. Not all that is left is pretty and I have a lot to figure out still. I am back from my trip and will be seeking out a therapist (not even sure where to start). That will be my first step.

This thread is strangely helpful despite some of the harsh words. I come back and re-read and am reminded of the severity of what i have done. Somehow that makes me even more determined to fix this.

Edited June 5, 2016 by missy6six

[BetrayedH]

Im not self entitled, but can understand why you think that. I'm still here, still reading, still processing.

it has almost been 10 days of no contact with my affair partner. My head is starting to clear and see through the fog. Not all that is left is pretty and I have a lot to figure out still. I am back from my trip and will be seeking out a therapist (not even sure where to start). That will be my first step.

This thread is strangely helpful despite some of the harsh words. I come back and re-read and am reminded of the severity of what i have done. Somehow that makes me even more determined to fix this.

 

Please don't find this as a dig; that's not at all my intention.

 

I found it interesting that you mention that reading here reminds you "of the severity of what I have done." You know, I think my wife really underestimated the impact of what she had done. I suppose that is probably somewhat consistent from a psychological point of view. Anyone that is doing something that they shouldn't must downplay the significance of it, at least to themselves.

 

I mean, it's obvious that it's something you shouldn't do. My wife wasn't dumb. I'm sure she knew she wasn't supposed to be spending the family's money on hotel rooms for romps with her boss. But she could downplay the significance of it in her head. I suppose that's plain old rationalization and compartmentalization. But it just really struck me that my wife never quite seemed ready for the impact that the discovery had. I think she had convinced herself that it was of much less importance than what it was.

 

Thisnis not to say that it's so damaging that a couple can't recover. But I think it can really limit the success rate. Something to consider as your approach your confession.

[S2B]

Have you seen a therapist yet? What is your plan to help this situation?

[aliveagain]

Im not self entitled, but can understand why you think that. I'm still here, still reading, still processing.

it has almost been 10 days of no contact with my affair partner. My head is starting to clear and see through the fog. Not all that is left is pretty and I have a lot to figure out still. I am back from my trip and will be seeking out a therapist (not even sure where to start). That will be my first step.

This thread is strangely helpful despite some of the harsh words. I come back and re-read and am reminded of the severity of what i have done. Somehow that makes me even more determined to fix this.

 

You won't understand the severity of what you have done until you really think about what your fighting for. You may have had the best 7 year marriage ever but right now it is only a technicality, it ended when you decided to cheat. Saving a marriage is a lot of work and it requires that both of you are equally committed to that goal. That means no secrets between you and other man, secrets you are intentionally withholding from your husband. It is delusional to think you can fix what's broken while keeping something this devastating from your spouse. Just so you know from someone that has been through it, disassembling your marriage is a big, big project, realtors, attorneys, accountants the law courts, it can be overwhelming. You have already done all that is required to breach your contract with your husband, all that remains now is to start the formal process. Your doctor has just told you it's terminal, it doesn't get anymore serious then that. What you do with the time you have left says a lot about who you are. Ask any good mechanic, he will tell you that there is only one way to fix a car and that is the right way. A quick and temporary fix is what got you into this mess(other man to get rid of your boredom), a quick and temporary fix will not repair your marriage.

 

Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been but what we yearn to be...........Jose Ortega Y Gasset.

Edited June 5, 2016 by aliveagain

[drifter777]

Since you don't have children I wonder why you want to waste any more of your life living with this mess you created. Why don't you just divorce so you can spend more time vacationing with your friends and dating other men? What is so important about your marriage that wasn't worth keeping your vows but you now are willing to walk through hell for?

 

I am not trying to be mean or negative for negativity sake. I really would like to know what is motivating you to stay married to your husband when there is absolutely nothing holding you to him?

[ShatteredLady]

There are certain things in life that you can never really understand & you NEVER know how much they're going to effect you've lived through it.

 

I'm a literature lady. I've spent my life reading & studying. I love movies particularly those really gritty independent movies that really focus on a character. I adore poetry. I consider myself empathic, caring & compassionate.

 

I knew nothing!

 

Chronic pain - I believed it must suck! Imagine being in pain all the time? Ugh! But you just take medications...wrong! Nothing takes the pain away & the physical pain is the least of it. It really is.

 

I knew a woman who's only brother died. I couldn't understand why she couldn't even mention it without tears in her eyes. This was YEARS later. Not until I watched that coffin (so small to contain so much) disappearing behind the curtain.

 

Cancer - I always knew that word held horror. They diagnose you, treat you, you make-it or you don't. Nope! It goes on & on & even then you're left with the fear that they haven't got it all & its festering away killing you. That's just for starters!

 

Infidelity - it's just a mistake isn't it? We all make mistakes. We're only human. Get over it already!! I WISH!! it's beyond devastating.

I now feel that the actual cheating is the least of it. It's the diagnosis. It's that phone call to inform you that your brother has taken his life. It's just the start. It's so much more complicated than I ever imagined. It's changes everything. It changed my reality. Killed my innocence & faith.

 

I could of given advise on any of those big things I live with. My advise would of been sincere. My intentions would of been good but that doesn't mean I'd know the first thing about what I was talking about!

 

The advise from those who have experienced something similar comes with more knowledge. That's life.

[missy6six]

Wait, so since I have no children my marriage is not worth saving?

[frogss29]

Missy,

Having children/not having children doesn't make a marriage more or less important.

I feel so sorry for you

You have a difficult decision.

On one hand, you can put the affair behind you and concentrate on your marriage.

Or, you can tell your husband what has been going on and face the most AWFUL thing that has probably ever happened in your life.

Either your marriage is over or you will have years of dealing with the aftermath of your affair.

Of course you don't want to face that!!!!

Problem is your marriage will be weak until you both know what has been going on.

You just don't realise it.

Until everything is laid out on the table, you will have memories of your affair. Little things will remind you of the good times and , subconsciously, you will be cheating again.

Once your husband knows the truth and you get to see and feel his pain all memories of your AP will be gone. Or, if you do think of him, it will not be happy memories.

Sounds crazy but you have to blow up your marriage and stand on the rubble in order to build a strong foundation .

I 100% understand why you don't want to tell your husband.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Wait, so since I have no children my marriage is not worth saving?

 

Absolutely not....it is easier to end a marriage with no children involved.

I feel confident my husband would have divorced me if we had not had 2 small children at the time.

 

So I do think it is easier for a betrayed spouse to end the marriage and start over...than to try to rebuild the marriage and reconcile.

 

But the choice should be his...and you of course are denying that choice.

 

This is not saying marriages with no children should not be saved.

[understand50]

Wait, so since I have no children my marriage is not worth saving?

 

Missy6six,

 

No, but not having children, is one less thing on the balance scale saying stay. It is a lot easier for your husband to leave and totally forget you. With children, no mater what one may do, reconcile or divorce, you have to stay engaged as parents.

 

In every life, there comes a time where you have to decide what type of person you are. Sometimes there are several times. This is one of those times for you. You know that best, moral, and honorable, thing to do, is to tell your husband everything and let things fall where they may. This will take great courage from you, much more then the "courage" it took to cheat. Keeping this to yourself, taking the easy way, makes what could be a "Fundamentally good person, slipping and doing a bad thing" into a just "fundamentally bad person". This is the trap that infidelity sets for good people, and all people who engage in it. You have dis-honored and cheapened yourself. You have done the same to your husband and your marriage. The only way back, is total honesty, and facing up to your actions, no mater how it hurts you.

 

Please ask yourself, past the cheating, what is holding you back from doing the right thing with your husband? I would say, it is that you are afraid. You are afraid of losing your marriage, and the one you love. You are afraid of social exposure. This is going to painful for your husband. He will find out, if not from you, from some some other source. The pain and fright you feel will not be one tenth of his. You were willing to betray him, if you really love him, you need to take this pain on yourself and confess.

 

I think you are better then this, and I hope that in the end you will see your path. You can reconcile from this, but remember, that first step is to allow your husband to offer the gift of reconciliation and forgiveness. How can he, if he does not know what you did, and also remember, you need to give a full account so he knows all that he is forgiving. This is what is frighting to you. It is not up to you, the gift of a second chance is up to him. Your first step is showing and living full remorse, and being completely honest with him.

 

I am a optimist. I believe in redemption. I know you can become the good person you were, and in many continue to be, but you must not fall in to the easy fix, as stated by aliveagain. This will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you have ever done, but if you seceded, you can regain yourself respect, and honor. Think of the stakes.

 

 

I wish you luck, and more importantly courage to do the right thing.......

[frogss29]

Understand50,

I don't think not telling your spouse about an affair makes you a bad person.

I think it is human nature to try and protect yourself.

And most people will admit that telling your spouse about an affair is pretty much going to blow up the marriage.

Who really wants to live through that?

I think people who have cheated and ended the affair need to just ask themselves if they WANT to stay married.

Not for finances, not for children, not for safety

But because they want to be with the person they married.

But then it is a Catch22.

If they decide they want to remain married and confess everything the chances are the marriage will end.

BUT if they don't confess, the person who cheated really will be living a lie for the rest of their life.

And , also, your partner is living with someone who isn't really the one they married.

Deep down, they know something isn't quite right.

They just don't know what it is.

So, that leads to the partner being dissatisfied in their marriage, too, just like the one who cheated................

It just doesn't disappear.

The problems just grow and change.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Understand50,

I don't think not telling your spouse about an affair makes you a bad person.

I think it is human nature to try and protect yourself.

And most people will admit that telling your spouse about an affair is pretty much going to blow up the marriage.

Who really wants to live through that?

I think people who have cheated and ended the affair need to just ask themselves if they WANT to stay married.

Not for finances, not for children, not for safety

But because they want to be with the person they married.

But then it is a Catch22.

If they decide they want to remain married and confess everything the chances are the marriage will end.

BUT if they don't confess, the person who cheated really will be living a lie for the rest of their life.

And , also, your partner is living with someone who isn't really the one they married.

Deep down, they know something isn't quite right.

They just don't know what it is.

So, that leads to the partner being dissatisfied in their marriage, too, just like the one who cheated................

It just doesn't disappear.

The problems just grow and change.

 

There are actually a lot of couples here that are in reconciliation after infidelity. It CAN blow up your marriage....but so can living a lie and keeping a secret from your spouse.

[frogss29]

I didnt say a marriage can't grow after it has blown up........but it does blow up.

You are left with a decision.

Do you both work hard and rebuild or not.

But it definitely blows up - or that is how it felt to me

 

Can I also say (and this sounds so weird) that the BEST thing that ever happened for us was the disclosure of everything re my husbands affair?

I thought we were happy. Comfortable, but happy. But just a little staid.

But now, after all we have been through, we are connected and in tune and in love.

Edited June 6, 2016 by frogss29
added information

[ShatteredLady]

I've realized that some people are very good at compartmentalizing. Nothing changes at home. I find that disturbing!!

 

Most WS change a LOT. The bs feels the distance growing. The bs feels the contempt, feel 'punished' for the slightest infraction, feel very worried for their WS & their marriage. The WS denies that anything is wrong, is over protective of their phone & computer, appears 'shifty' & very grumpy about everything!

 

I knew that something was very, very wrong. I went through paranoia & stress off the charts. I even started to doubt my own sanity. I stopped questioning because of the responses I received.

 

For me, it reached the point that, although blindsided (I trusted completely) I was actually relieved to discover my H's affair! It answered so many questions. I wasn't insane!!! Devastated & heartbroken but no longer feeling guilty for existing!

 

 

Are you an Oscar worthy actress? Are you sociopathic? (That good at faking it that he thinks everything's hunky dory?) Does your H often ask what's wrong? Does he question why you don't want contact with him & ask why you're depressed, withdrawn, grumpy, cruel or does he assume that you're having a hard time & try harder & harder to make you happy?

[understand50]

Understand50,

I don't think not telling your spouse about an affair makes you a bad person.

I think it is human nature to try and protect yourself.

And most people will admit that telling your spouse about an affair is pretty much going to blow up the marriage.

Who really wants to live through that?

I think people who have cheated and ended the affair need to just ask themselves if they WANT to stay married.

Not for finances, not for children, not for safety

But because they want to be with the person they married.

But then it is a Catch22.

If they decide they want to remain married and confess everything the chances are the marriage will end.

BUT if they don't confess, the person who cheated really will be living a lie for the rest of their life.

And , also, your partner is living with someone who isn't really the one they married.

Deep down, they know something isn't quite right.

They just don't know what it is.

So, that leads to the partner being dissatisfied in their marriage, too, just like the one who cheated................

It just doesn't disappear.

The problems just grow and change.

 

frogss29,

 

Look, today we do not like to face that we are or can become "bad" people. Having a affair, and then not telling your spouse, makes you a "bad" person. At a fundamental level, you failed at living a moral life. We all slip, we slip many times, but what makes a person stand out is struggling to do the right thing, day in and day out, and when you do not, making it right as far as in you power. Doing what is right and good when it is hardest, is the true measure of any person.

 

Do I believe that Missy6six, is a evil person. No she is doing a bad and evil thing. She runs the risk of compounding her mistake, and making it more bad and evil, by not doing what she can to make it right. When these choices pile up, and you take the easy path time and time again, then what are you? Yes, it is a catch 22, but all that means is their is no good way out, and you must, and have to, take the pain if any good is to happen in the end. Life is not easy. Things we do, actions we take, sometimes have no easy outcome. We were not promised a easy life, or that what we want will always be what the world owes us. When we marry we vow and agree to live, love and be with each other. There is no easy way to let your spouse know you have let them down. If they choose to walk, then it is their decision. If they give you the gift of a second chance, then look for what it really is, a true gift of love. It says, you betrayed me, but my love for you is so deep, I will forgive you.

 

We sometimes have to live with the bad, to realize the good. Missy6six, has set herself up for some bad times. I hope and pray her husband will forgive her. Maybe she is not giving herself and her husband the credit they deserve. I surprised myself, in forgiving my wife, and she has told me surprised her as well.

 

frogss29, I understand where you are coming from and I respect it, but in the end, I think it is better to face your troubles, then hide them away, to come out later.

 

I wish you luck.......

[aliveagain]

There is a reason why you are here talking to complete strangers about the most horrific thing you have ever done to the person that would lay his life down for you in a Nano second without any second thought. There is a hole in your heart that is growing every day and the only one that can stop it is the man you betrayed. That is the cost that you are going to pay for a year of meaningless sex with some guy you met on the internet. There is no do over, the promised land wasn't what you convinced yourself it would be, there is just this, this is as good as it gets.

 

You have some amazing people writing you so please don't take their posts lightly. Some of us are still going through pain yet take the time to give you our collective wisdom so you don't make some of the same mistakes that we had to live through. You don't know what real pain is until you see it on the face of the person you profess to love knowing your the cause. I'm not sure there is much more I can say about your situation. Here's looking at you kid.

[S2B]

Wait, so since I have no children my marriage is not worth saving?

 

It's only worth saving if you change it.

 

You can only get out of it what you invest in it. Placing your time and energy being focused on another man is not likely to improve any marriage - that's obvious.

 

But your marriage can only bra great as YOU MAKE IT. Change needs to happen.

 

What are YOU willing to change about yourself that makes the marriage better?