Broken

[BetrayedH]

Im not self entitled, but can understand why you think that. I'm still here, still reading, still processing.

it has almost been 10 days of no contact with my affair partner. My head is starting to clear and see through the fog. Not all that is left is pretty and I have a lot to figure out still. I am back from my trip and will be seeking out a therapist (not even sure where to start). That will be my first step.

This thread is strangely helpful despite some of the harsh words. I come back and re-read and am reminded of the severity of what i have done. Somehow that makes me even more determined to fix this.

 

Please don't find this as a dig; that's not at all my intention.

 

I found it interesting that you mention that reading here reminds you "of the severity of what I have done." You know, I think my wife really underestimated the impact of what she had done. I suppose that is probably somewhat consistent from a psychological point of view. Anyone that is doing something that they shouldn't must downplay the significance of it, at least to themselves.

 

I mean, it's obvious that it's something you shouldn't do. My wife wasn't dumb. I'm sure she knew she wasn't supposed to be spending the family's money on hotel rooms for romps with her boss. But she could downplay the significance of it in her head. I suppose that's plain old rationalization and compartmentalization. But it just really struck me that my wife never quite seemed ready for the impact that the discovery had. I think she had convinced herself that it was of much less importance than what it was.

 

Thisnis not to say that it's so damaging that a couple can't recover. But I think it can really limit the success rate. Something to consider as your approach your confession.

[aliveagain]

Im not self entitled, but can understand why you think that. I'm still here, still reading, still processing.

it has almost been 10 days of no contact with my affair partner. My head is starting to clear and see through the fog. Not all that is left is pretty and I have a lot to figure out still. I am back from my trip and will be seeking out a therapist (not even sure where to start). That will be my first step.

This thread is strangely helpful despite some of the harsh words. I come back and re-read and am reminded of the severity of what i have done. Somehow that makes me even more determined to fix this.

 

You won't understand the severity of what you have done until you really think about what your fighting for. You may have had the best 7 year marriage ever but right now it is only a technicality, it ended when you decided to cheat. Saving a marriage is a lot of work and it requires that both of you are equally committed to that goal. That means no secrets between you and other man, secrets you are intentionally withholding from your husband. It is delusional to think you can fix what's broken while keeping something this devastating from your spouse. Just so you know from someone that has been through it, disassembling your marriage is a big, big project, realtors, attorneys, accountants the law courts, it can be overwhelming. You have already done all that is required to breach your contract with your husband, all that remains now is to start the formal process. Your doctor has just told you it's terminal, it doesn't get anymore serious then that. What you do with the time you have left says a lot about who you are. Ask any good mechanic, he will tell you that there is only one way to fix a car and that is the right way. A quick and temporary fix is what got you into this mess(other man to get rid of your boredom), a quick and temporary fix will not repair your marriage.

 

Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been but what we yearn to be...........Jose Ortega Y Gasset.

Edited June 5, 2016 by aliveagain

[drifter777]

Since you don't have children I wonder why you want to waste any more of your life living with this mess you created. Why don't you just divorce so you can spend more time vacationing with your friends and dating other men? What is so important about your marriage that wasn't worth keeping your vows but you now are willing to walk through hell for?

 

I am not trying to be mean or negative for negativity sake. I really would like to know what is motivating you to stay married to your husband when there is absolutely nothing holding you to him?

[ShatteredLady]

There are certain things in life that you can never really understand & you NEVER know how much they're going to effect you've lived through it.

 

I'm a literature lady. I've spent my life reading & studying. I love movies particularly those really gritty independent movies that really focus on a character. I adore poetry. I consider myself empathic, caring & compassionate.

 

I knew nothing!

 

Chronic pain - I believed it must suck! Imagine being in pain all the time? Ugh! But you just take medications...wrong! Nothing takes the pain away & the physical pain is the least of it. It really is.

 

I knew a woman who's only brother died. I couldn't understand why she couldn't even mention it without tears in her eyes. This was YEARS later. Not until I watched that coffin (so small to contain so much) disappearing behind the curtain.

 

Cancer - I always knew that word held horror. They diagnose you, treat you, you make-it or you don't. Nope! It goes on & on & even then you're left with the fear that they haven't got it all & its festering away killing you. That's just for starters!

 

Infidelity - it's just a mistake isn't it? We all make mistakes. We're only human. Get over it already!! I WISH!! it's beyond devastating.

I now feel that the actual cheating is the least of it. It's the diagnosis. It's that phone call to inform you that your brother has taken his life. It's just the start. It's so much more complicated than I ever imagined. It's changes everything. It changed my reality. Killed my innocence & faith.

 

I could of given advise on any of those big things I live with. My advise would of been sincere. My intentions would of been good but that doesn't mean I'd know the first thing about what I was talking about!

 

The advise from those who have experienced something similar comes with more knowledge. That's life.

[missy6six]

Wait, so since I have no children my marriage is not worth saving?

[frogss29]

Missy,

Having children/not having children doesn't make a marriage more or less important.

I feel so sorry for you

You have a difficult decision.

On one hand, you can put the affair behind you and concentrate on your marriage.

Or, you can tell your husband what has been going on and face the most AWFUL thing that has probably ever happened in your life.

Either your marriage is over or you will have years of dealing with the aftermath of your affair.

Of course you don't want to face that!!!!

Problem is your marriage will be weak until you both know what has been going on.

You just don't realise it.

Until everything is laid out on the table, you will have memories of your affair. Little things will remind you of the good times and , subconsciously, you will be cheating again.

Once your husband knows the truth and you get to see and feel his pain all memories of your AP will be gone. Or, if you do think of him, it will not be happy memories.

Sounds crazy but you have to blow up your marriage and stand on the rubble in order to build a strong foundation .

I 100% understand why you don't want to tell your husband.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Wait, so since I have no children my marriage is not worth saving?

 

Absolutely not....it is easier to end a marriage with no children involved.

I feel confident my husband would have divorced me if we had not had 2 small children at the time.

 

So I do think it is easier for a betrayed spouse to end the marriage and start over...than to try to rebuild the marriage and reconcile.

 

But the choice should be his...and you of course are denying that choice.

 

This is not saying marriages with no children should not be saved.

[understand50]

Wait, so since I have no children my marriage is not worth saving?

 

Missy6six,

 

No, but not having children, is one less thing on the balance scale saying stay. It is a lot easier for your husband to leave and totally forget you. With children, no mater what one may do, reconcile or divorce, you have to stay engaged as parents.

 

In every life, there comes a time where you have to decide what type of person you are. Sometimes there are several times. This is one of those times for you. You know that best, moral, and honorable, thing to do, is to tell your husband everything and let things fall where they may. This will take great courage from you, much more then the "courage" it took to cheat. Keeping this to yourself, taking the easy way, makes what could be a "Fundamentally good person, slipping and doing a bad thing" into a just "fundamentally bad person". This is the trap that infidelity sets for good people, and all people who engage in it. You have dis-honored and cheapened yourself. You have done the same to your husband and your marriage. The only way back, is total honesty, and facing up to your actions, no mater how it hurts you.

 

Please ask yourself, past the cheating, what is holding you back from doing the right thing with your husband? I would say, it is that you are afraid. You are afraid of losing your marriage, and the one you love. You are afraid of social exposure. This is going to painful for your husband. He will find out, if not from you, from some some other source. The pain and fright you feel will not be one tenth of his. You were willing to betray him, if you really love him, you need to take this pain on yourself and confess.

 

I think you are better then this, and I hope that in the end you will see your path. You can reconcile from this, but remember, that first step is to allow your husband to offer the gift of reconciliation and forgiveness. How can he, if he does not know what you did, and also remember, you need to give a full account so he knows all that he is forgiving. This is what is frighting to you. It is not up to you, the gift of a second chance is up to him. Your first step is showing and living full remorse, and being completely honest with him.

 

I am a optimist. I believe in redemption. I know you can become the good person you were, and in many continue to be, but you must not fall in to the easy fix, as stated by aliveagain. This will be hard, maybe the hardest thing you have ever done, but if you seceded, you can regain yourself respect, and honor. Think of the stakes.

 

 

I wish you luck, and more importantly courage to do the right thing.......

[frogss29]

Understand50,

I don't think not telling your spouse about an affair makes you a bad person.

I think it is human nature to try and protect yourself.

And most people will admit that telling your spouse about an affair is pretty much going to blow up the marriage.

Who really wants to live through that?

I think people who have cheated and ended the affair need to just ask themselves if they WANT to stay married.

Not for finances, not for children, not for safety

But because they want to be with the person they married.

But then it is a Catch22.

If they decide they want to remain married and confess everything the chances are the marriage will end.

BUT if they don't confess, the person who cheated really will be living a lie for the rest of their life.

And , also, your partner is living with someone who isn't really the one they married.

Deep down, they know something isn't quite right.

They just don't know what it is.

So, that leads to the partner being dissatisfied in their marriage, too, just like the one who cheated................

It just doesn't disappear.

The problems just grow and change.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Understand50,

I don't think not telling your spouse about an affair makes you a bad person.

I think it is human nature to try and protect yourself.

And most people will admit that telling your spouse about an affair is pretty much going to blow up the marriage.

Who really wants to live through that?

I think people who have cheated and ended the affair need to just ask themselves if they WANT to stay married.

Not for finances, not for children, not for safety

But because they want to be with the person they married.

But then it is a Catch22.

If they decide they want to remain married and confess everything the chances are the marriage will end.

BUT if they don't confess, the person who cheated really will be living a lie for the rest of their life.

And , also, your partner is living with someone who isn't really the one they married.

Deep down, they know something isn't quite right.

They just don't know what it is.

So, that leads to the partner being dissatisfied in their marriage, too, just like the one who cheated................

It just doesn't disappear.

The problems just grow and change.

 

There are actually a lot of couples here that are in reconciliation after infidelity. It CAN blow up your marriage....but so can living a lie and keeping a secret from your spouse.

[frogss29]

I didnt say a marriage can't grow after it has blown up........but it does blow up.

You are left with a decision.

Do you both work hard and rebuild or not.

But it definitely blows up - or that is how it felt to me

 

Can I also say (and this sounds so weird) that the BEST thing that ever happened for us was the disclosure of everything re my husbands affair?

I thought we were happy. Comfortable, but happy. But just a little staid.

But now, after all we have been through, we are connected and in tune and in love.

Edited June 6, 2016 by frogss29
added information

[ShatteredLady]

I've realized that some people are very good at compartmentalizing. Nothing changes at home. I find that disturbing!!

 

Most WS change a LOT. The bs feels the distance growing. The bs feels the contempt, feel 'punished' for the slightest infraction, feel very worried for their WS & their marriage. The WS denies that anything is wrong, is over protective of their phone & computer, appears 'shifty' & very grumpy about everything!

 

I knew that something was very, very wrong. I went through paranoia & stress off the charts. I even started to doubt my own sanity. I stopped questioning because of the responses I received.

 

For me, it reached the point that, although blindsided (I trusted completely) I was actually relieved to discover my H's affair! It answered so many questions. I wasn't insane!!! Devastated & heartbroken but no longer feeling guilty for existing!

 

 

Are you an Oscar worthy actress? Are you sociopathic? (That good at faking it that he thinks everything's hunky dory?) Does your H often ask what's wrong? Does he question why you don't want contact with him & ask why you're depressed, withdrawn, grumpy, cruel or does he assume that you're having a hard time & try harder & harder to make you happy?

[understand50]

Understand50,

I don't think not telling your spouse about an affair makes you a bad person.

I think it is human nature to try and protect yourself.

And most people will admit that telling your spouse about an affair is pretty much going to blow up the marriage.

Who really wants to live through that?

I think people who have cheated and ended the affair need to just ask themselves if they WANT to stay married.

Not for finances, not for children, not for safety

But because they want to be with the person they married.

But then it is a Catch22.

If they decide they want to remain married and confess everything the chances are the marriage will end.

BUT if they don't confess, the person who cheated really will be living a lie for the rest of their life.

And , also, your partner is living with someone who isn't really the one they married.

Deep down, they know something isn't quite right.

They just don't know what it is.

So, that leads to the partner being dissatisfied in their marriage, too, just like the one who cheated................

It just doesn't disappear.

The problems just grow and change.

 

frogss29,

 

Look, today we do not like to face that we are or can become "bad" people. Having a affair, and then not telling your spouse, makes you a "bad" person. At a fundamental level, you failed at living a moral life. We all slip, we slip many times, but what makes a person stand out is struggling to do the right thing, day in and day out, and when you do not, making it right as far as in you power. Doing what is right and good when it is hardest, is the true measure of any person.

 

Do I believe that Missy6six, is a evil person. No she is doing a bad and evil thing. She runs the risk of compounding her mistake, and making it more bad and evil, by not doing what she can to make it right. When these choices pile up, and you take the easy path time and time again, then what are you? Yes, it is a catch 22, but all that means is their is no good way out, and you must, and have to, take the pain if any good is to happen in the end. Life is not easy. Things we do, actions we take, sometimes have no easy outcome. We were not promised a easy life, or that what we want will always be what the world owes us. When we marry we vow and agree to live, love and be with each other. There is no easy way to let your spouse know you have let them down. If they choose to walk, then it is their decision. If they give you the gift of a second chance, then look for what it really is, a true gift of love. It says, you betrayed me, but my love for you is so deep, I will forgive you.

 

We sometimes have to live with the bad, to realize the good. Missy6six, has set herself up for some bad times. I hope and pray her husband will forgive her. Maybe she is not giving herself and her husband the credit they deserve. I surprised myself, in forgiving my wife, and she has told me surprised her as well.

 

frogss29, I understand where you are coming from and I respect it, but in the end, I think it is better to face your troubles, then hide them away, to come out later.

 

I wish you luck.......

[aliveagain]

There is a reason why you are here talking to complete strangers about the most horrific thing you have ever done to the person that would lay his life down for you in a Nano second without any second thought. There is a hole in your heart that is growing every day and the only one that can stop it is the man you betrayed. That is the cost that you are going to pay for a year of meaningless sex with some guy you met on the internet. There is no do over, the promised land wasn't what you convinced yourself it would be, there is just this, this is as good as it gets.

 

You have some amazing people writing you so please don't take their posts lightly. Some of us are still going through pain yet take the time to give you our collective wisdom so you don't make some of the same mistakes that we had to live through. You don't know what real pain is until you see it on the face of the person you profess to love knowing your the cause. I'm not sure there is much more I can say about your situation. Here's looking at you kid.

[frogss29]

IMO, I think if you have cheated and then decide to end it and concentrate on your marriage you think you don't have to confess.

I think people in that situation feel lucky to have not got caught and think there will be no consequences because they did a bad thing but are really, REALLY sorry and that is all that matters and they know they will never do it again so, why confess.

I 100% understand where they are coming from.

But they are wrong......you can pretend all you like but all the problems that were there before the affair are still there.

Again, this is just my opinion.

I think the hardest thing a person can do who has had an affair is confess.

But it is so worth it...........just the risks are so big and it is SO scary.

 

My situation is a little different from a lot of people here, but I suppose we all think this.

 

I just know that once my husband and I sat down and really talked it out it was the healthiest thing for both of us.

It has been a long struggle. But both of us have been together, working it out.

I also know he was hoping to cover everything up.......but when he walked in the door he just knew , finally, the right thing to do.

 

BUT for someone who thinks they can get away with not disclosing, it would look like a good choice.

Stupid, yes, but so much easier.

[Mrs. John Adams]

IMO, I think if you have cheated and then decide to end it and concentrate on your marriage you think you don't have to confess.

I think people in that situation feel lucky to have not got caught and think there will be no consequences because they did a bad thing but are really, REALLY sorry and that is all that matters and they know they will never do it again so, why confess.

I 100% understand where they are coming from.

But they are wrong......you can pretend all you like but all the problems that were there before the affair are still there.

Again, this is just my opinion.

I think the hardest thing a person can do who has had an affair is confess.

But it is so worth it...........just the risks are so big and it is SO scary.

 

My situation is a little different from a lot of people here, but I suppose we all think this.

 

I just know that once my husband and I sat down and really talked it out it was the healthiest thing for both of us.

It has been a long struggle. But both of us have been together, working it out.

I also know he was hoping to cover everything up.......but when he walked in the door he just knew , finally, the right thing to do.

 

BUT for someone who thinks they can get away with not disclosing, it would look like a good choice.

Stupid, yes, but so much easier.

 

of course not confessing is so much easier....but reconciliation is not easy...it is hard work....and if both parties are not willing to...or cannot...put in the hard hard work...do not try.

 

Part of reconciliation...successful reconciliation....is working toward making the marriage better...more honest...better connected. Working through all of the difficulties...understanding each other better. If after infidelity....you don't work through the issues that got you to this place in the first place....what's the point?

 

How can you achieve this is you are not honest? How can you rebuild the relationship to be stronger...if you build it on lies?

 

I know there are many that don't confess...and they live in a relationship with secrets between them. Maybe there are circumstances that non disclosure is best....I have wondered that very thing even for myself....should I have told? I could have gotten away with it.

 

But would I be the person I am today? Would our relationship be what it is today? If i had kept my secret? I don't think so. While confessing is hard....it is also right.

[understand50]

of course not confessing is so much easier....but reconciliation is not easy...it is hard work....and if both parties are not willing to...or cannot...put in the hard hard work...do not try.

 

Part of reconciliation...successful reconciliation....is working toward making the marriage better...more honest...better connected. Working through all of the difficulties...understanding each other better. If after infidelity....you don't work through the issues that got you to this place in the first place....what's the point?

 

How can you achieve this is you are not honest? How can you rebuild the relationship to be stronger...if you build it on lies?

 

I know there are many that don't confess...and they live in a relationship with secrets between them. Maybe there are circumstances that non disclosure is best....I have wondered that very thing even for myself....should I have told? I could have gotten away with it.

 

But would I be the person I am today? Would our relationship be what it is today? If i had kept my secret? I don't think so. While confessing is hard....it is also right.

 

Abigail,

 

It all comes down to what type of person you are. Are you the one, who meets the consequences of their actions head on, or hides from them. This also goes to showing, that you are a good person, who did a bad thing and then worked hard to make up for it. Missey6six, can be the same, but must take a leap of faith and be honest with her spouse. Who knows what you and John may be now if you took the easy way out. I am not so sure John would have remained in the dark forever, as a person who will hide, will continue until they are found out. Your professor, I am sure, would have tried to come back for more. Telling John, was one way of really ending it for good for you. This is all to your credit.

 

Missey6six,

 

If you get away with this, can you not see yourself slipping again? As time goes on, thing come out. Consequences may be delayed, but never avoided in the end. You are struggling with this. To my way of thinking, this struggle shows that you are a "good" person. You know what needs to be done. Someone with no consensus would just hide and move on. This, for me shows, that you want to do the right thing.

 

As always, I wish you luck.........

[Mrs. John Adams]

Abigail,

 

It all comes down to what type of person you are. Are you the one, who meets the consequences of their actions head on, or hides from them. This also goes to showing, that you are a good person, who did a bad thing and then worked hard to make up for it. Missey6six, can be the same, but must take a leap of faith and be honest with her spouse. Who knows what you and John may be now if you took the easy way out. I am not so sure John would have remained in the dark forever, as a person who will hide, will continue until they are found out. Your professor, I am sure, would have tried to come back for more. Telling John, was one way of really ending it for good for you. This is all to your credit.

 

Missey6six,

 

If you get away with this, can you not see yourself slipping again? As time goes on, thing come out. Consequences may be delayed, but never avoided in the end. You are struggling with this. To my way of thinking, this struggle shows that you are a "good" person. You know what needs to be done. Someone with no consensus would just hide and move on. This, for me shows, that you want to do the right thing.

 

As always, I wish you luck.........

 

understand50....you hit the nail smack on the head. I knew that in order for me to not do it again...I had to tell on myself.

 

As a child...my mother always knew everything I did that I was not supposed to do...because I would tell on myself every time. I am a talker....and I am honest...I say what I think.

 

I knew I could never live with the lie....I could never look him in the eyes and pour out my heart to him...without telling him everything.

 

Which is exactly what i did....I told entirely too much. I gave way too many details.....and part of this is why it took john so long to heal...all of those details haunt him....and he knew that i spoke the truth. (That is not to say that through the years he has "misconstrued" some of the things i said...or did not say....)

 

I think Missey should confess...but I think she should confess and then answer questions he asks. Do not give more information than he asks for....I did and i will forever regret it....but I spoke from my heart and I did not think about the consequences of what i was saying.

 

I also want to say that...from the day I cheated until I confessed the WHOLE story...was a span of about three weeks....I told him right away there was another man...but I did not tell him what I had done....and during that three weeks...we were in a very good place....we were communicating and both of us were trying very hard to make things better. It was then he point blank asked me...did you Fv-k him? my reply....please do not ask me that question...his response...oh my god ..you did. It was then I poured out every detail. If he had not asked me would I have told him? Yes....I am confident I would have....because I did not hesitate to tell him there was another man. I had told my mother...and discussed it with her everyday....and I told my mom the WHOLE story right away. So I would have told him....Questioning the decision to reveal...only haunts me when I think about how much I hurt him....but I know I did the right thing.

 

I am telling you all of this because I want Missy to understand....I know what she is feeling...I know the guilt and the fear and the uncertainty...and I had two babies. I was scared to death.

 

I have a feeling Missey...as she continues to process and study and think...will do the right thing.

[DKT3]

Not confessing it like putting a beautiful wall paper over a huge hole. On the surface it seems fine, but behind it is no foundation, no stability.

 

Your marriage being what it was lead to you believing an affair is an option. Why would you want to continue that. Nothing will change long term if the issues are not put on the table and dealt with, including the affair.

 

Telling or not determines what kind of life you have going forward, but if we are being honest tell will most likely end your marriage. I don't think it's fair or responsible for people to suggest confessing without mentioning that part.

[aliveagain]

Sometime early in our lives we decide that we were not worth protecting and decide that we should be different from everyone else so we can be loved in the same way. That is how helpless children learn to cope with issues that are beyond their control. Your older now and no longer powerless, people can't treat you the same way anymore...... unless you allow it. Change what never worked for you in the past.

[merrmeade]

I think you're listening to all this advice, but you'd like to think, Miss missy, that it may be true, but it's better for you to keep the pain and difficulty without inflicting it on your betrayed spouse. Now that you've finally ended it, you think it's better that you just make it up to him than burden him with all that pain. You think he need not ever find out and that's really better for everyone. You think you're different, it was a unique situation and you'll never do it again. And you'll make it up to your husband.

 

It's not an unselfish thought. It's all about your comfort. It's because you don't want to go through with it and as long as there is no pressure to tell him, no immediate, compelling reason, well of course, you'd prefer not to jump in that fire!

 

Well, first of all, as was mentioned, you're still cheating when you remember it, but the main thing is that - not having gotten caught - you are vulnerable to doing it again. Happens a lot.

 

Let me tell you though as a betrayed spouse who found out much, much later that I was furious about not having been given the choice at the time. Of living a lie for so many years because HE decided it was best for everyone - which is only about being a coward. Not only did he sully our marriage, but he took away my choice and right to be the one to decide what to do about it. Not telling me and deceiving me was just as bad as the adultery itself. And I've told him this: It's the one thing I can never forgive.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Missy, you have been given a lot of good advice and now the ball is squarely in your court. I only want to add that sometimes when you are faced with a problem which seems insurmountable or cannot be circumvented, then you just have to go 'Through' it, something like jumping through a hoop of fire. Don't worry, you will come out better for it as long as you believe in yourself. Hope this helps you take the plunge! Warm wishes.

[drifter777]

Wait, so since I have no children my marriage is not worth saving?

Looks like OP is gone but....

 

Ding, ding, ding!! You got it! It's not worth saving. Reconciliation is a long, painful journey thst may end up in divorce anyway. Right or wrong, raising children is often the reason couples try. When no kids are involved many here at LS will advise divorce over reconciliation.

 

It also strikes me as odd that you would ask this question. I mean - it wasn't worth much to you anyway.

Edited June 9, 2016 by drifter777

[missy6six]

I am still here and reading through those responses that have offered helpful advice.

Who are you to determine whether my marriage is worth saving?

[understand50]

I am still here and reading through those responses that have offered helpful advice.

Who are you to determine whether my marriage is worth saving?

 

Missy6six,

 

We are just whispers on the internet, only take what you need. Only you and your husband can decide if your marriage is "worth" saving. That is why, you need to be honest and tell him everything, as he needs the information to decide. I do not know, nor do we as a group, know what is going on in your life, your husband and hence your marriage. We do know that cheating shows that there is something wrong that needs to fixed.

 

I have stated that I think you will come to see, that you need to tell your husband everything, but it will take time. In the meantime, until you find your courage, concentrate on getting out of the affair fog, and working on why you stepped out of the marriage. Answering that question, will go along way in helping you.

 

I wish you luck.......