Broken

[ladydesigner]

At no point have I not listened. Just because I don't do what you want doesn't mean i am only wanting to hear what I want to hear.

Not everyone has to take the same path.

You hope he finds out? Why? It will make you feel better?

 

I am a fMOW and had a RA that I disclosed many years later when I found out about my WH's second A. I was not comfortable with myself about what I had done until I had confessed. If you read some of my past posts I used to be adamant about not telling. One poster here told me that there would always be a barrier of intimacy because of my dirty secret. That poster was correct. While I am currently a BS I am very happy I disclosed. Me and my husband could go forward knowing what we have both done. I don't feel that barrier of intimacy anymore and I feel it was my guilt of keeping such a secret.

[66Charger]

If you do not tell, Will you ever be happy?

 

Truly deeply happy with your life, your marriage, your husband.

 

 

You see, this is what those who say to keep secrets will not tell you. There is a tradeoff for self preservation. And that tradeoff is your freedom.

 

Your freedom to love deeply and honestly. Your freedom to look in your husbands eyes and say the words. Your freedom to look in the mirror and not see something you do not wish to see. Your freedom from fear. Fear that something gets out. A question asked, and you will have to lie.

 

You have to ask yourself, what is your life really worth. You see, as much as this is made out to be about your husband, your last question was "will I survive.

 

So lets turn this to being about you. Are you willing to risk losing your husband, in order to be happy and have peace? Do you really want to carry this burden for years. Decades. Are you willing to sacrifice everything, that may be, because of your fear? Is this really how you want your life to be?

 

Honestly, I would rather take my chances on reconciliation or divorce than to live subservient to fear and the darkness.

 

Think about it. Hang around. Dont worry about getting beat up. Most have good intentions. Make your decision later.

Edited June 25, 2016 by 66Charger

[Lewhawk]

Honestly, yes, your husband finding out would make me feel better, my ex wife hid an affair for 9 years, that's 9 years of a fake marriage, 9 years wasted. The only reason people choose not to tell is to protect themselves from the results of their actions, every other excuse they give is just that, an excuse. Your marriage isn't worth saving, the reason is you cheated for a year and don't even have the decency to inform your husband so he can make up his own mind about his life, so your actions scream "not worth saving" a thousand times more than words from strangers on the internet do.

[missy6six]

In not sure why my husband finding out would make you feel any better about your situation.

Again I thank those that have offered actual advice from both sides of the tell vs don't tell camp.

I have definitely taken all advice on board.

Those that just come on here to wish the worst upon me or tell me my marriage is not worth saving, and that you hope he finds out, really? That somehow makes your situation better?

That makes no sense.

[DKT3]

In not sure why my husband finding out would make you feel any better about your situation.

Again I thank those that have offered actual advice from both sides of the tell vs don't tell camp.

I have definitely taken all advice on board.

Those that just come on here to wish the worst upon me or tell me my marriage is not worth saving, and that you hope he finds out, really? That somehow makes your situation better?

That makes no sense.

 

Those comments come from hurt and anger, having been on the other side where you've placed 100% faith in some one, it's extremely painful not only finding out about the affair but not understanding why the dynamic of your marriage has changed.

 

You are doing alot of damage to your husband you think simply because he doesn't know (I'm pretty confident he isn't clueless and suspects something, maybe not wanting to face it) that there is no hurt.

 

I'm a disclosure member 100%, but having listened to my wife and trying to place myself in her shoes I kinda get it, although it's not exactly falling on your sword, and its 95% selfish. The real problem is you can and will never have an authentic relationship with your husband with this hanging over your marriage. Make no mistake confession will most likely end your marriage, it's also the only way to improve it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yes I agree dkt3...

 

Sometimes we have to be willing to lose it.... To save it.

[drifter777]

I have been a staunch supporter of "don't tell" in order to save your BH needless pain that can last a lifetime. In my opinion it serves no purpose because there is a strong likelihood you will cheat again because you have suffered no consequences. You will get bored and want the thrill of men chasing you and since you've already broke that boundary once it gets easier to do. The next time you might not be able to keep him from finding out so you will be subjecting him to the devastation of infidelity.

 

When I say "not worth saving" I mean:

 

1) your actions demonstrate that you are bored with your BH and crave to be desired and fussed over by other men. As I said, it's very likely you will cheat again.

 

2) The longer you are together with your BH the more likely it is that he will discover your cheating.

 

3) Even if you tell him and you guys try reconciliation there is a good chance it will end in divorce anyway. Without kids I think it's better for BOTH of you to make a clean break and start over.

 

Not telling him and trying to re-dedicate to your marriage is probably worth a try at this point since you seemed determined to do this anyway. Good luck - I hope you can save your BH the pain of discovering your cheating.

[Moxie Lady]

Im an advocate of telling but in your case I think you first have to resolve the question of Why. Why did you cheat? Until you address that I dont see how you will be able to ever feel remorse and help your BH thru the process of reconciliation (if that's what he decides).

 

Something to think about: If you are found out (or if you tell) but IF you continue to lie and trickle truth him after he finds out, I dont know any man who isnt a doormat who would not walk away and never look back, no matter how remorseful you might eventually become. We are not talking about a short affair, this is a YEAR. That is a hell of a lot of conscious decisions and planning to cheat on your H.

 

However, if you do get to the point where you can feel real remorse and you truly do want to rededicate yourself to your marriage (you arent even close to being there yet), if you come clean fully you may have a chance. So you have some work to do.

[usa1ah]

In not sure why my husband finding out would make you feel any better about your situation.

Again I thank those that have offered actual advice from both sides of the tell vs don't tell camp.

I have definitely taken all advice on board.

Those that just come on here to wish the worst upon me or tell me my marriage is not worth saving, and that you hope he finds out, really? That somehow makes your situation better?

That makes no sense.

 

 

 

Do most of use hope your marriage survives, YES.

 

 

But what type of marriage will it be built on lies?

 

 

About your therapist, you just happened to find one that thinks it is ok to live a lie. Something like the ones that same its ok the cheat it helps keep the sex going in the marriage. Living in a lie will never work missy. Try a different therapist and go from there.