Broken

[wmacbride]

I appreciate everyone's opinions but I am not sure I'm in the best place for advice right now.

I know I did wrong.

I know I need help.

I thought I would try here.

I know everyone is trying to help but I am already in a horribly dark place and am not sure how to climb out.

 

It sounds like you need help now, not later. Please find that help. There are many counseling services available, some are even online.

 

Please, get that help. Think of it as first aid for your mental health.

[ChickiePops]

Just to clarify, I certainly agree with the OP needing therapy so she sorts all her problems out, understand why she did what she did, how it impacted her and the way she sees her H, what changes need to be made. I also think we disagree here because we don't have many details about her marriage and this is up to her to share them or not. If her marriage is happy and what she did was out of boredom, insecurities, low self esteem etc then I really see no reason to reveal this to the H (at least for now, before she addresses and solves these problems herself). If the marriage has had problems and still does, then it changes things and I am open to the idea of couples therapy and maybe revealing the secret.

 

Sometimes it's better to try and solve a problem by yourself rather than burden another person into it who will be hurt and probably won't be able to do anything about it.

 

Cool. Does the betrayed spouse get a say in that?

[beach]

I appreciate everyone's opinions but I am not sure I'm in the best place for advice right now.

I know I did wrong.

I know I need help.

I thought I would try here.

I know everyone is trying to help but I am already in a horribly dark place and am not sure how to climb out.

 

I'd like to know what is causing your sadness? The end of the affair? Going back to your husband?

 

Can you explain why you're experiencing extreme sadness?

[missy6six]

I am just sad at what I've done and risking something good.

Although it feels strange to not speak to my affair partner, I am not sad about it.

I never thought I would do something like this and I feel like I just lost myself.

[imsosad]

I want to say, I know how you feel.

I also had an affair after 14 years of being the perfect wife.

I can relate to so many of the things you say, feelg broken,lost,too far gone, sad,lonely. I realised my loneliness was so brutal because I felt like I have lost myself, like I was nowhere to be found.

I also get how hard it is to even consider coming clean to your husband.

My story is different than yours (it is all posted on the OW/M section) in many ways, but I sense that something in the we took this experience is very similar.

I know you're hurting and that you don't know if this wave of thoughts and feelings will ever end. I can only say that while I couldnt see it happening when I felt that way, it did. It did not just go away, but it changes in terms of intensity.

[aliveagain]

I am just sad at what I've done and risking something good.

Although it feels strange to not speak to my affair partner, I am not sad about it.

I never thought I would do something like this and I feel like I just lost myself.

 

 

The thing is you did and now you need to find it in you to fix this before it's beyond salvageable. You need to find out the root cause of your disconnection so you can understand how you got into this dilemma. Then you need to make a decision about what to do to reconnect with your husband. You need to learn how to give and receive love, how to create authentic loving communication because that's a key component to staying connected.

 

There is a book by Mira Kirshenbaum that may be of help to you called "When Good People Have Affairs." It may not all apply to you but I think there is enough good in it that it will be very beneficial for you. In your situation your not choosing between a husband and a lover. She say's that there are 5 things that good marriages need in order to survive.

 

Mutual Respect

Easy Connections

Physical Chemistry

Fun

Safety(fear of being hurt emotionally)

 

Just a question, it's up to you if you choose to answer but it helps me understand you, so much is missing from your post. Did you go looking for a certain type of affair partner, example, a man of a certain colour or ethnicity or a man with a certain physical attribute? Is this one of the reason's you fear exposing the purely sex affair to your husband? Please people, it is a sincere question with no racial intent.

[Mrs. John Adams]

AA...thanks for the title of this book. I have not read it and i intend to download it now and do so.

 

I hear what you are saying and asking...and it is a valid question.

 

Missey has never explained much...just that she found her lover on line and was seeking an affair.

 

Something Else I am wondering about....

 

she is presently out of town....and all of this transpired.

 

Did she meet her lover for her trysts out of town? Was this trip a planned sexual encounter and her lover called it off and now she finds herself alone in a hotel room and cannot go home because she told her husband she is on a business trip?

 

yes I am speculating...because she gives very vague answers...that leave me scratching my head.....

[missy6six]

I'm trying to share what I can and answer questions.

This has nothing to do with me being out of town.

We ended it on the phone just before I left on Thursday.

We haven't spoken since.

No this has nothing to do with any particular physical attribute.

Perhaps a personality one.

He is much more dominant than my husband.

I'm sorry if you all feel I am not sharing enough.

After not talking to anyone about it it can be hard to open up now.

[SummerDreams]

It seems that her H is the type of the nice guy who treats his wife with much respect and cares for her a lot but maybe is not thaaat good in bed? Am I right? Do you need someone more dominant in bed and you are scared to ask for it? Is your sex life kinda vanilla and you need more passion in it? Well you need to talk to your H if that is the case the sooner the better, try new things, ask what you want. Sometimes we feel trapped cause everyone sees us in such an ideal relationship and when we miss something we feel guilt, we feel we don't appreciate what we have and we forgo some little problems seeing the bigger picture until these little problems become bigger and bigger and we are still afraid to mention them and we try to solve them ourselves but we fail. I think this is why the OP has that much guilt. Everyone considers them this amazing, ideal couple and she feels something missing but she doesn't want to show she isn't appreciative so she doesn't express it. The only way she found was to try and solve this by herself but it went out of control. I still think she needs to talk to a therapist and address these issues to her H before she drops the affair bomb to him.

[aliveagain]

Why wouldn't you discuss this with your husband telling him what you need, perhaps a little role playing? No matter what you do now your still in the same situation because if you never communicated your needs then those needs are still missing and look at the mind fu*k that is now your relationship. You still think that continuing to lie is your best hope for your marriages survival. I am telling you that lies and trickle truth will do more harm then all the unprotected sex you've had with your affair partner. Keeping something this big between you and other man and a secret from your husband............well we beat that to death already I guess.

 

Was this a master slave kind of relationship? Did your other man ask you to do things with other people? Are some of what you did with O/M make you feel so shameful that you are afraid to disclose them to your husband?

Edited May 28, 2016 by aliveagain

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'm trying to share what I can and answer questions.

This has nothing to do with me being out of town.

We ended it on the phone just before I left on Thursday.

We haven't spoken since.

No this has nothing to do with any particular physical attribute.

Perhaps a personality one.

He is much more dominant than my husband.

I'm sorry if you all feel I am not sharing enough.

After not talking to anyone about it it can be hard to open up now.

 

Was this a fifty shades of grey....kind of thing? You have never said what kind of sight you met him on....is this the issue?

[lemondrop21]

Sometimes the relationship dynamic or just the partner's personality impacts the sex dynamic in ways that can't be fixed by role play or whatever. If OP sees her partner as passive in other aspects of life, asking him to be dominant in the bedroom may not fix the issue in the long term. Getting aroused by someone else isn't always about what happens in the immediate moment.

[italianjob]

Finding a partner that is sexually compatible is something one should do before getting married. Sometimes, people discover it later, but the correct way to go about it would be: seeing if you can get what you need from your partner; talk to your partner about eventually getting what you need outside the marriage or reckon you are sexually not compatible and call it quits.

 

With every post by the OP is more evident that this can't be written off as a mistake. This was no mistake at all...

 

With every post by the OP is more evident that is marriage shouldn't be saved at all. He should be told every thing and should be let free to find a woman Who appreciates him sexually. Missy should be left free to find a partner Who dominates her the way she likes.

 

What make s me raise my eyebrows is how does someone discover sexual incompatibility after 13 years of staying together and 6 of marriage, 2 short years after deciding to make a kid with someone not compatible. But that's another story...

[fallingdown2013]

I'm trying to share what I can and answer questions.

This has nothing to do with me being out of town.

We ended it on the phone just before I left on Thursday.

We haven't spoken since.

No this has nothing to do with any particular physical attribute.

Perhaps a personality one.

He is much more dominant than my husband.

I'm sorry if you all feel I am not sharing enough.

After not talking to anyone about it it can be hard to open up now.

 

Someone once told me, "When faced with common problems, many people often think that their situations are somehow unique. They unconsciously do this to avoid taking painful advice."

Gently, but frankly, you know that you enjoyed the sex with a more dominant man. Yes, you had poor boundaries, but there probably wasn't a much deeper reason for it. I had a past relationship and basically was in your husband's shoes. To make a long story short, hearing my ex tell me the truth was one of the most painful experiences in my life. However, it was the truth and no man should be protected from it. You are not his mother. My ex divulged a lot of detail because I asked for it. I'm not saying tell your husband immediately that he isn't great in bed. If he asks, then reveal more than just a timeline. But not revealing the affair to your husband is morally wrong (in my humble opinion). You're robbing him of a chance to grow and make well-informed decisions for his life.

[SummerDreams]

@italianjob

It's called "settling down" and compromising some of your needs to fullfil other ones that you find more important. Nobody is perfect and compromising happens all the time even though people don't want to admit it most of the times. The OP thought, why lose a good husband and a happy marriage just cause sex is not 100% sattisfying? I understand cheating is not the answer but I am just trying to analyze her way of thinking. She felt like she could "justify" for herself a night of sex wuth another man but it went out of control. Now she feels disgusted by herself because she knows that if she tells this to her husband she will lose him forever - no man wants to hear hos wife cheated because sex wirh him is bad. Probably she is thonking she will fitever sacrifice her need for better sex in order to keep this otherwise perfect marriage. I think this is a hard thing to do though.

[italianjob]

@italianjob

It's called "settling down" and compromising some of your needs to fullfil other ones that you find more important. Nobody is perfect and compromising happens all the time even though people don't want to admit it most of the times. The OP thought, why lose a good husband and a happy marriage just cause sex is not 100% sattisfying? I understand cheating is not the answer but I am just trying to analyze her way of thinking. She felt like she could "justify" for herself a night of sex wuth another man but it went out of control. Now she feels disgusted by herself because she knows that if she tells this to her husband she will lose him forever - no man wants to hear hos wife cheated because sex wirh him is bad. Probably she is thonking she will fitever sacrifice her need for better sex in order to keep this otherwise perfect marriage. I think this is a hard thing to do though.

 

1. It's still dishonest toward her husband.

 

2. Even if she settled down, once she discovered she couldn't do without it, the right thing to do is, at the very least, to confess to your husband that you need more. And that's because the very reason for the cheating make s it VERY LIKELY that it Wii happen again, and a sure thing if she manages to keep it a secret.

[aliveagain]

The fact that she got hooked on the affair dopamine's(yes, dopamine, the thing that the most addicting drugs on the earth stimulate......where our reward motivated behaviour is centered) is no reason to continue cheating her husband of his rights. She needs to stop making decisions for him because she makes really *****y decisions when it comes to her husband. He should be the one that decides if he is happier to have "Broken" in his life or happier to have her out of his life. Just my opinion.

[Mr. Lucky]

She felt like she could "justify" for herself a night of sex wuth another man but it went out of control.

 

You're continuing the OP's penchant for a lack of honesty and responsibility by claiming forces greater than her caused this to happen. She was neither kidnapped nor caught in a tornado, she made a continuous real-time stream of conscious decisions to participate every step of the way.

 

Probably she is thonking she will fitever sacrifice her need for better sex in order to keep this otherwise perfect marriage. I think this is a hard thing to do though.

 

If the OP wants fix her "otherwise perfect marriage", she'll start working with - as opposed to lying to - her husband in order to do so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SummerDreams]

So the question is, what happens if you have a problem in your marriage that is not solvable but you don't want to break up the marriage? Lets assume the OP would come here and ask "I am not 100% satisfied with sex with my H but I don't want to leave him, what should I do?". I'm saying this not to change the OP's question but assuming this was the question she has all along but she is (X adjective here) to ask.

 

Most people would say, you should talk to your husband and express your problem and most probably divorce. But the OP does not want to divorce. She wants this marriage but tries to find a way for this little unsolvable problem by herself. Cheating is not the answer, I accept it. What is then?

[italianjob]

So the question is, what happens if you have a problem in your marriage that is not solvable but you don't want to break up the marriage? Lets assume the OP would come here and ask "I am not 100% satisfied with sex with my H but I don't want to leave him, what should I do?". I'm saying this not to change the OP's question but assuming this was the question she has all along but she is (X adjective here) to ask.

 

Most people would say, you should talk to your husband and express your problem and most probably divorce. But the OP does not want to divorce. She wants this marriage but tries to find a way for this little unsolvable problem by herself. Cheating is not the answer, I accept it. What is then?

 

There is a saying here in Italy that goes "You can't go to Rome and stay at home at the same time". The answer to your question is very simple. You decide what is your priority and make a choice. Like for most things in life.

 

You may take a dishonest road and try to get both, but You shouldn't be surprised if You get calle d out on it or if it goes in a bad way and You los e every thing. And You can't call it a mistake or claim it isn't your fault...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I don't know if this point has been brought up before but the fact remains that if the OP is really mentally anguished as she says she is, she is likely to mumble things while she is sleeping which could alert her husband as to what happened. Even otherwise her mental syate being what it is, she is likely to have an emoyional breakdown or in other behavioural ways give her ge away. I think she should take these factors into consideration before she decides to take her secret to the grave. My opinion for what it's worth!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi Folks, I don't know if this point has been brought up before but the fact remains that if the OP is really mentally anguished as she says she is, she is likely to mumble things while she is sleeping which could alert her husband as to what happened. Even otherwise her mental syate being what it is, she is likely to have an emoyional breakdown or in other behavioural ways give her ge away. I think she should take these factors into consideration before she decides to take her secret to the grave. My opinion for what it's worth!

 

I did not have a year long affair....and maybe you get really good at deceit....I don't know....but I would think that hiding an entire year of cheating...would be difficult. I cannot imagine living in fear that my husband would somehow find out.

 

I realize many cheaters do not confess and are found out by their betrayed spouses....but from everything I have read on the subject....those cheaters who confess increase the odds of a successful reconciliation.

 

This woman expresses over and over her desire to save her marriage....which indicates to me she has a real fear of losing it.

 

If she intends to keep her affair a secret....why is she afraid? There must be some doubt in her mind that her husband WILL indeed find out.

 

Otherwise...why is today not just another ordinary day? She has cheated for a year....now she is not going to cheat....and she is not going to tell.

 

Why then is she so diswrought today? If she has lived in a lie for a year....and her husband suspected nothing....and now she is not cheating...why is it so upsetting?

 

Is it upsetting because.she is afraid he will find out? Is it upsetting because she is sad the affair is over?

 

The affair is over

She is not going to tell her husband about the affair...she is certain he will never find out

She is staying in her marriage because her life was perfect.(well except it was not so perfect because she had an affair for a year)

 

She is deeply depressed and upset.....Why?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Summer Dreams, one possibility would have been to approach her husband and asked for an 'Open Marriage', which, if he had agreed to, would have solved her problem. But then an open marriage is a two way street and she may have wanted her husband to stay monogamous while she played the field. Alternatively, if she was OK with that the possibility was that her husband would have found some one who rocked his boat just right and he might choose her over the OP. These are just possible scenarios but none which will come to pass because OP has already committed herself. Again, just my opinion.

[SummerDreams]

Hi Just A Guy, don't you think that after 13 years of relationship the OP's husband will find it weird to say the least that his wife asks all of a sudden for an open marriage? Don't you think this will make him doubt their whole relationship and his ability to satisfy his wife? Isn't a very harsh thing to do to tell your husband he is not good enough in bed? I understand that cheating is not the answer but at least her H does not know the truth so he gets hurt by it and the OP has stopped the affair.

[bigman1]

I find the OP's posting style to be very curious. Very minimalist with enough info to continue the debate, but not enough to allow conversation with the OP.

 

What is the goal? She cheated, claims the guilt was too much and ended it. She claims to love her husband, but not enough to avoid cheating or to be honest with him after the fact. We can opine a bunch of stuff, but unless this poster engages with details, or asks questions that lead to a decision, we are shooting in the dark.