Broken

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well yeah so the criminal word kinda fits

 

Yes my husband has proven it does.. So now what? Does it change anything?

[Mrs. John Adams]

This thread has gotten a bit extreme.

Although I know I have done something terrible and deceitful, I am not a criminal.

I thought posting in this forum would help me work through my thoughts and what i have done, but it seems more that it is more so just a chance for people to tell me how awful I am

 

Welcome to the world of a cheater...

 

Don't worry... You finally get used to it

[Maddieandtae]

If you choose to keep coming back at this point in time than yes the remarks you read will sting. Having an affair will taint how some people view you. It's going to take ALOT of hard work to retrain your brain from tempting thoughts to how you were before the affair to think morally. You won't ever be the same and at the same time you don't have to be who you were during the affair. Growth is important and I suppose reading what you think is hard to read can be used for self reflection. I didn't think you were ready for the onslaught of views, you keep coming back so I'm now thinking you are retaining somethings you have read and have found benefits as well. It's an tough world filled with so many views at least here nobody knows you so you can be more vocal! Could you imagine having this type of exchange with a friend who thought very poorly of people who had affairs and for some reason you didn't know this before you shared what you did with the best friend? You and the best friend would have a whole new set of problems to add on to the pretty big one you are currently trying to deal with:(

[66Charger]

Adultery is a crime punishable by jail time in all 50 states.

 

The unknowing BS who thinks he is a WS forgot the one institution that still relies on Honor.

 

The United States Military.

 

Yes, you will go to the brig for adultery with another servicemans/womans spouse. And if you are incountry and under fire, its going to be hard to ask someone to have your back, when you had his snack. Best to watch your back, when you are unworthy of trust.

 

Of course, there are some who could never understand that.

Edited June 2, 2016 by 66Charger

[JohnAdams]

Yes, infidelity is called out in the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ) as well as the law in many states.

 

However, I think the law is almost a moot point. It is about integrity, morality, and respect.

 

I do not think it even takes a person of high moral standards to recognize that betrayal is betrayal. If the very person who you think has your back does not, who do you trust?

[66Charger]

If you have had no sex with your spouse for 10 years, what are the chances that the "denying" spouse has had NO sex at all?

 

No EA, no PA. For 10 years. Really? Anyway....

 

So the guy cheats because of no sex (wink, wink) and confesses to his wife and thinks the marriage is saved.

 

The wife is just glad that he didnt divorce her because of "no sex" for 10 years. (Weird reaction) The marriage is saved.

 

But wait, there is more. It s up to ONCE A MONTH!!! What a stud!!!.

 

Would you buy that?

 

Did this guy have a RA and not even know it?

 

Many think he confessed, BUT SHE DIDN'T.

 

But hey, since he doesnt think one has to confess, no harm no foul.. This isnt a dig. Just something a few find odd and believe this guy is really a deluded BS

Edited June 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Folks, while forays into criminal law and other equally off-topic meta-discussion can be quite enlightening, let's save them for their own threads and get back to that stated below in this thread and assist the thread starter in their relationship:

 

My affair partner was no good for me and yet I feel lost and broken now that it's over.

Will I ever be ok again?

I haven't spoken to a single person about this and sometimes I feel like it is eating me alive.

Now that it's over will I ever feel normal again?

Will my marriage survive?

Will I?

 

Defunct or not, that's the law of LoveShack.org and we expect members to adhere to it or face the consequences, apparently some here have already faced. I'd prefer that to be as limited as possible so seek to enlist member's assistance in compliance with this directive. Thanks!

[wmacbride]

This thread has gotten a bit extreme.

Although I know I have done something terrible and deceitful, I am not a criminal.

I thought posting in this forum would help me work through my thoughts and what i have done, but it seems more that it is more so just a chance for people to tell me how awful I am

 

You're not awful, but you have lost your way and some of your actions are certainly really bad.

 

Time to take a look at your life and decide what sort of person you want to be from this day out, and begin taking the steps you need to to get there. Seeking counseling for yourself will help you with this.

 

You say you love your husband? What do you need to do to be the type of wife he can be proud of, and, just as importantly, what do you need to do to be proud of the person you see looking back at you in the mirror every day? You likely have many wonderful qualities, so build on those.

 

If I can give you one piece of advice, it would be that reconciliation is a marathon,not a sprint. It can take a long time to get there, but the rewards can be well worth it.

[66Charger]

MJA, We assumed you and the Mr were watching Fixer Upper reruns (nice house move!)

 

To stay on point, often when a WS post on the infidlety side, there is often a initial barrage of 2x4s. OP, if you can withstand that, someone may post something and the tide will turn. You may never confess, but if these harsh words can assist to truly end the affair (and dont assume it is over) then perhaps that may be the best a forum can do.

Edited June 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mrs. John Adams]

MJA, We assumed you and the Mr were watching Fixer Upper reruns (nice house move!)

 

To stay on point, often when a WS post on the infidlety side, there is often a initial barrage of 2x4s. OP, if you can withstand that, someone may post something and the tide will turn. You may never confess, but if these harsh words can assist to truly end the affair (and dont assume it is over) then perhaps that may be the best a forum can do.

 

 

I can multitask... I was actually watching roots this evening but I have my laptop on watching Loveshack as well.

 

Missey will be fine ... She is going to go to therapy... She has not mentioned an interest in reading the books recommended... They would help her but hey... She is making the best decisions for her.

 

Whether she decides to confess or not? I guess she will do what she thinks is best after therapy....

 

Macbride is right... Reconciliation is the rest of your life... We will see how that goes

 

I have been walking this road 33 years ... It ain't over til it's over

Edited June 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[understand50]

This thread has gotten a bit extreme.

Although I know I have done something terrible and deceitful, I am not a criminal.

I thought posting in this forum would help me work through my thoughts and what i have done, but it seems more that it is more so just a chance for people to tell me how awful I am

 

missy6six,

 

I would like you to think about this. It is to your credit, that what you have done weighs on your conscience. If you were a totally evil and bad person, this would not be so. I think that in time, you will realize that being open and honest with your loved one is the only way to go, but until then, take the baby steps. Start by being the best wife you can be and live a faithful life going forward now.

 

Remember, we are just "whispers on the internet" and while I encourage you to read and think about what everyone says to you, even the abuse, remember you get to take what you want or need.

 

You have taken the first steps, as someone once said, "when in hell, keep moving" Keep moving forward to a better you and life. The rest will fall into place. Show, what you can be, not what you were and the bad mistakes and actions you did. There is redemption for a wayward spouse, but it will take hard work.

 

I wish you luck, and the best outcome to be had in your situation......

[Mr. Lucky]

I thought posting in this forum would help me work through my thoughts and what i have done, but it seems more that it is more so just a chance for people to tell me how awful I am

 

Actually people are telling you you've done something awful, an act even good people have proven themselves capable of.

 

And because of that, you owe your spouse something.

 

You're free to continue to do awful things to him - lie, manipulate, deceive...no one can stop you.

 

The question only you can answer is, if you love him as you say you do, why would you want to ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[SummerDreams]

Reconciliation is the rest of your life... We will see how that goes

 

I have been walking this road 33 years ... It ain't over til it's over

 

I'm gettinf off topic again but I have to say, you make it sound like reconciliation is a punishment for life. I don't think a person should be punished for life for one mistake / bad choice they made once in their life and I don't want a husband who will forever hold me accountable for this. When you claim you forgive someone the bad thing they have done should not be brought up every circumstance or be remembered all the time. If this happens it means the BS can not forget or forgive and it's a torture to live with their WS and this is bad for both. Cheating is bad but there are so many different stories that I don't think we can connect them all in one "crime".

 

Missy has chosen to pass all her whole guilt and remorse as a way to punish herself that's why she doesn't want to talk to her H and probably lose him. Guilt is punishment enough for her.

[Moxie Lady]

I'm gettinf off topic again but I have to say, you make it sound like reconciliation is a punishment for life. I don't think a person should be punished for life for one mistake / bad choice they made once in their life and I don't want a husband who will forever hold me accountable for this. When you claim you forgive someone the bad thing they have done should not be brought up every circumstance or be remembered all the time. If this happens it means the BS can not forget or forgive and it's a torture to live with their WS and this is bad for both. Cheating is bad but there are so many different stories that I don't think we can connect them all in one "crime".

 

Missy has chosen to pass all her whole guilt and remorse as a way to punish herself that's why she doesn't want to talk to her H and probably lose him. Guilt is punishment enough for her.

 

I dont want to speak for Mrs A, but from reading her past and present posts, she has made it very clear that she and John are here discussing infidelity for the sake of helping others. She has said they dont discuss it otherwise. I am sure that John is not bringing that up every day and they are not discussing it every day and I am sure that John doesnt bring it up against her.

 

Reconciliation for 33 years just means they continue down that same path that they decided on and succeeded with all those years ago. Its still called reconciliation even if they dont talk about it every day or every week or however often. They know thats where they are.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You continue in reconciliation forever. You don't wake up and shout to the world... We are reconciled!

 

It is a process that continues everyday the rest of your life.

 

Healing continues... Forgiveness continues... Growth continues... And trust rebuilds

 

It is a process

[SummerDreams]

You continue in reconciliation forever. You don't wake up and shout to the world... We are reconciled!

 

It is a process that continues everyday the rest of your life.

 

Healing continues... Forgiveness continues... Growth continues... And trust rebuilds

 

It is a process

 

And as I said earlier I don't agree with it, in fact I don't even believe in it tbh. If a BS loves their WS and they want to forgive him/her, this period should last for a limited amount of time. The WS should not feel forever in debt if their spouse cause of one mistake - bad choice. The WS is still the same person their spouse loved and we are all human, mistakes should be forgiven and forgotten. I don't want a relationship where I have to prove myself to my SO every day for the rest of my life. It sounds like such energy consuming. Either you believe I regret my mistake and take me back treating me as equal or let me go, easy as that. Even murderers have a chance to live a normal life after their imprisonment.

[Mrs. John Adams]

And as I said earlier I don't agree with it, in fact I don't even believe in it tbh. If a BS loves their WS and they want to forgive him/her, this period should last for a limited amount of time. The WS should not feel forever in debt if their spouse cause of one mistake - bad choice. The WS is still the same person their spouse loved and we are all human, mistakes should be forgiven and forgotten. I don't want a relationship where I have to prove myself to my SO every day for the rest of my life. It sounds like such energy consuming. Either you believe I regret my mistake and take me back treating me as equal or let me go, easy as that. Even murderers have a chance to live a normal life after their imprisonment.

 

Well first... How long have you personally lived in reconciliation?

 

And secondly....I have an absolutely wonderful loving relationship with my husband. I don't live my life proving anything.

 

marriage is a process as is reconciliation ... As is life

 

You live it day by day

 

I don't know where you got the perception those who are reconciling live in a prison....

 

Missey has a long road ahead of her... She will get there taking one step at a time....

[SummerDreams]

Truth is I've not experienced infidelity or reconciliation and I don't talk by experience. I can't imagine myself though having to prove myself every day if I ever cheat on my H. I understand I will have to correct the mistake and earn his trust but if he chooses to keep me he will have to eventually forget and treat me as an equal in the R again.

 

Missy has chosen to pay her "debt" of her mistake by having a lifelong guilt and spare her H of the pain the truth will cause him. I find it brave of her to do that. Most cheaters just confess because they want to share their hurt and pain and they hope to hear "I love you so I forgive you". Missy's H may forgive her eventually but I get a feeling SHE won't forgive herself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Truth is I've not experienced infidelity or reconciliation and I don't talk by experience. I can't imagine myself though having to prove myself every day if I ever cheat on my H. I understand I will have to correct the mistake and earn his trust but if he chooses to keep me he will have to eventually forget and treat me as an equal in the R again.

 

Missy has chosen to pay her "debt" of her mistake by having a lifelong guilt and spare her H of the pain the truth will cause him. I find it brave of her to do that. Most cheaters just confess because they want to share their hurt and pain and they hope to hear "I love you so I forgive you". Missy's H may forgive her eventually but I get a feeling SHE won't forgive herself.

 

Fair enough...you are basing your comments on speculation and perception...and i am basing my comments on my personal journey of 33 years...a lifetime.

 

Once trust has been destroyed...it takes many many years to rebuild. You do that by becoming transparent, setting strict boundaries, and becoming remorseful....and one of the biggest elements in reestablishing trust.... is TIME.

 

My husband and I are equal in our relationship....probably more so than we have ever been...you see

The more remorseful I have become...the more my husband trusts me. The more he trusts me, the more he lets go, the more he lets go, the closer we become, the closer we become, the more he helps me do the work.

 

Forgiveness is a gift....the secret to forgiveness...is learning how to accept it.....from your betrayed spouse and from yourself. You are right....Missey may never forgive herself...I still struggle with that myself.

 

You are making many assumptions about how Missey feels and thinks and what her future holds and why she is making the choices she is making.

 

Having walked the same path as Missey...I can tell you...I did not confess to share my hurt and hear my husband say I love you...I forgive you. I confessed because it was the right thing to do. I could have lived my life and kept my secret...I could have "spared" my husband terrible hurt and pain. But I also knew that relationships are built on honesty...trust is built on honesty.....and quite frankly....I had lied enough....and I only met my AP one time....Missey has a years worth of lying and deceit...of dishonesty and selfishness...to overcome.

 

I am not asking for you to agree with me...I did what was right...what was fair. I confessed...and my reasoning was not as you speculate. You hold Missey is high regard because she is choosing to "keep" her secret and "save" her husband....and maybe you are right....I don't know what is in her heart. But I suspect she will keep her secret...to save Missey....she is afraid she will lose her husband...and that is absolutely a possibility....but she may lose him anyway...even if she keeps her secret.

 

I cannot predict what is going to happen in Missey's marriage. But I can tell you statistically...if her husband does find out about this betrayal from anyone other than her...it decreases her odds of successful reconciliation. I can tell you that if there are issues in this marriage....and I suspect there are...they need to be addressed together. If her husband does not know what those issues are....how can he work on them?

 

Anyway....Missey has been given a ton of information....and she has lots of support from folks here...even people who disagree with one another.

 

She will make her decisions based on what is right for her. I told her in my very first post...there will be information given....take what you need and disregard the rest.

[aliveagain]

Truth is I've not experienced infidelity or reconciliation and I don't talk by experience. I can't imagine myself though having to prove myself every day if I ever cheat on my H. I understand I will have to correct the mistake and earn his trust but if he chooses to keep me he will have to eventually forget and treat me as an equal in the R again.

 

Missy has chosen to pay her "debt" of her mistake by having a lifelong guilt and spare her H of the pain the truth will cause him. I find it brave of her to do that. Most cheaters just confess because they want to share their hurt and pain and they hope to hear "I love you so I forgive you". Missy's H may forgive her eventually but I get a feeling SHE won't forgive herself.

 

Those that have been cheated on never, ever forget. You choose to live with the knowledge because your spouse has done enough to warrant your forgiveness, forgiveness doesn't erase it from your mind. It will forever be the white elephant in the room. You both know it's there but just don't talk about it anymore. I call bulls*t on the chosen to pay her debt part, all she is doing is saving her cheating a$$ because I don't think she has it in her to do the hard work to save her marriage. The reason I say this is just look at the way she chose to deal with her boredom issue. Temporary, selfish quick fixes that were only about her.

 

My guess is something will happen, today, next week, next month, 3 years from now or on her or his death bed that will cause this information to come to light. There is time to deal with it now, that may not be the case later. Who wants to be dealing with this at such a personal time, after all, who knows what's waiting for you on the other side? Perhaps someone can correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that adultery is a sin in every religion.

Edited June 2, 2016 by aliveagain

[Mrs. John Adams]

Those that have been cheated on never, ever forget. You choose to live with the knowledge because your spouse has done enough to warrant your forgiveness, forgiveness doesn't erase it from your mind. It will forever be the white elephant in the room. You both know it's there but just don't talk about it anymore. I call bulls*t on the chosen to pay her debt part, all she is doing is saving her cheating a$$ because I don't think she has it in her to do the hard work to save her marriage. The reason I say this is just look at the way she chose to deal with her boredom issue. Temporary, selfish quick fixes that were only about her.

 

My guess is something will happen, today, next week, next month, 3 years from now or on her or his death bed that this information will come to light. There is time to deal with it now, that may not be the case later. Who wants to be dealing with this at such a personal time, after all, who knows what's waiting for you on the other side? Perhaps someone can correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that adultery is a sin in every religion.

 

The bottom line is...it is her call. She may live to regret her decision to remain secretive....she may not. Only time will tell.

 

There are so many issues here...and we know so few details. For those of us who have walked this journey...we understand and know the pain and devastation caused by infidelity....not only for the betrayed...but for the betrayer. It ruins lives and it isn't to be taken lightly. It has to be weighed heavily and approached with as much information as possible.

 

The first right thing Missey has done...is to gather information.

[understand50]

Those that have been cheated on never, ever forget. You choose to live with the knowledge because your spouse has done enough to warrant your forgiveness, forgiveness doesn't erase it from your mind. It will forever be the white elephant in the room. You both know it's there but just don't talk about it anymore. I call bulls*t on the chosen to pay her debt part, all she is doing is saving her cheating a$$ because I don't think she has it in her to do the hard work to save her marriage. The reason I say this is just look at the way she chose to deal with her boredom issue. Temporary, selfish quick fixes that were only about her.

 

My guess is something will happen, today, next week, next month, 3 years from now or on her or his death bed that will cause this information to come to light. There is time to deal with it now, that may not be the case later. Who wants to be dealing with this at such a personal time, after all, who knows what's waiting for you on the other side? Perhaps someone can correct me if I am wrong but I do believe that adultery is a sin in every religion.

 

The bottom line is...it is her call. She may live to regret her decision to remain secretive....she may not. Only time will tell.

 

There are so many issues here...and we know so few details. For those of us who have walked this journey...we understand and know the pain and devastation caused by infidelity....not only for the betrayed...but for the betrayer. It ruins lives and it isn't to be taken lightly. It has to be weighed heavily and approached with as much information as possible.

 

The first right thing Missey has done...is to gather information.

 

Missey, is doing baby steps, and we should not expect large movement in a short amount of time. Aliveagain, you are right, it would be much better if she dealt with it now, and she does have things she needs to work on with herself. As for any other issues in the marriage, we just do not know, but in light of her actions, something major is wrong. Also, this was not a ONS. The chance of her cheating being found out is much larger. That would be much worse, then her telling her husband.

 

What she is going to decide and what actions she takes, I think, will require some time for her to realize what to do. She is not going to rush. At this time, she lacks the courage to tell her husband. She may find it, people tend to given time and knowing what is right. In the mean time, lets acknowledge her fist steps in stopping the affair, and coming here asking for advise. Hopefully more will follow. For Missey, it will take time.

 

I wish her luck.......

[aliveagain]

I agree Mrs. J.A. The other key thing she has done is come here to ask strangers for their help while she thinks about her options. The questions I ask are: did our reply's help her enough? Will she remain no contact with the guy that's helping her destroy her marriage? Will she stop wasting her energies on the wrong man and put them where they should be if she really want's to save her marriage? Will she look deep enough into herself with professional help to find the root cause of why she did this to both her and her husband? Will she fix it so nothing is left dangling and the emptiness she is feeling is filled with the love she deserves? There is only one person that can forgive you and you need to find the strength to ask. Just so you know that the stranger writing this to you forgives you but I don't count in the same way.

[understand50]

You continue in reconciliation forever. You don't wake up and shout to the world... We are reconciled!

 

It is a process that continues everyday the rest of your life.

 

Healing continues... Forgiveness continues... Growth continues... And trust rebuilds

 

It is a process

 

Work on a marriage continue forever. If nothing had happen on our marriage, we would still have to work at it. Infidelity, just adds a layer that makes things harder, despite any perceived benefits. So marriage, and reconciliation go on until you part. If you divorce and have kids, some type will have to be done for their sake. I sometimes get the feeling that folks just want a maintenance free marriage. No work, no worries, does not exist.

 

Infidelity, colors everything going forward. It can be put in a box, but will pop out when stress and other things happen. One spouse, knows that other betrayed them. Add that to all the other fun stuff in a marriage, and you see, it can make things difficult, but not impossible. Having been trough two major jolts, her ONS way early in our relationship, and then her overspending, I can see from my point of view, that in each, hard work was required. When the over spending, not a trivial amount, her past infidelity, came out as a resentment, to add to the resentment I was going trough.

 

So, work on your marriage goes on, and reconciliation, to each other, goes on as well. As time passes, reconciliation, becomes for the BS, remembering, that you did forgive, and that past transgression should not be used or brought up when other stress happen in a marriage. For the WS, reconciliation is remembering that you did hurt and betray, and that you need to go the extra mile, to let them know it will not happen again.

 

For both, it is working on the problem and issues at hand, and not letting the past prevent you from moving forward and solving them. This is what my wife and I, and many others do. It will be what Missey and her husband will need to do, but the first and main ingredient, is honesty.

 

My two cents.........

[SummerDreams]

Those that have been cheated on never, ever forget. You choose to live with the knowledge because your spouse has done enough to warrant your forgiveness, forgiveness doesn't erase it from your mind. It will forever be the white elephant in the room. You both know it's there but just don't talk about it anymore.

 

That's why if I ever was cheated on I'd not want to know. Because I would know that I would not be able to stay with my H not because I won't be able to forgive him (mistakes are human and I'm sure I'll be halff responsible for it) but because there will always be something between us, something stronger and more destructive than the infidelity itself. This something will be destroying everything, our moments of happiness, our chance of a good time etc. We'll be watching a movie and something will remind us of the infidelity and there will be resentment. No, I don't want to know. And I truly suggest to the OP to keep it a secret, at least for now. She is in no emotional state atm to take more guilt and hurt than she already is having.