How to stop insults during fights

[Rominita]

Hello,

I've been with my SO for almost 5 years. When we started our relationship, I was committed not to repeat mistakes I've made with my ex, practice fair communication, respect my SO, etc. However, he's a very poor communicator and whenever he feels attacked (and according to me, I'm not attacking), it's insults. I told him many times that it hurts me, he said he'll try not to do it, but his philosophy is that if he's being attacked, he absolutely has to attack back and harder.

We've been through a lot and that caused some resentment on my side, so obviously it caused many tensions. I'm not perfect, I know I caused many fights, but my intention was usually solve the issue, not to create a bad fight.

 

Outside of fights, we are doing well. We almost didn't fight for a month (as a decision to work on the relationship). There was a lot of affection, mutual help (not perfect, but I was feeling happy). He even thanked me for being so patient and sticking around, so that now we are happy. And then, bang! Yesterday, another ugly fight, worse than the previous. It started with me expressing a wish about something sexual he used to do, but haven't done in over a month and somehow evolved in god knows what. He really used low blows that he never used before: that i don't know how to do a blowjob (he's not into them and he never complained), that i wasn't as pretty as his ex (knowing that I am jealous of her), that she's a better person than I am, if he was in love with her, he wouldn't been with her, not with me! that I'm the only woman with whom he's feeling distrustful (yet, his ex cheated on her ex), that I can go and f^&* other men if I want (and he's a possessive man), that I was a cockroach (when he said that about my exes, I said that his were that too, so he continued that I was the worse of them). It gives you the idea of the extremely low level of the fight. I'm so ashamed to even write it. I'm in shock. Just last week, he was calling me family and now this. Overall, he's a normal stable man. People like him. He's nice with my son. We just bought a house where we're supposed to move next month. We're talking about having a baby.

 

What should I do? How do I put my foot down? Or is it worthless, should I just leave, because it doesn't look like he's capable of changing. I can do my best, but I can't do it for both, I react to things too, unless they are said in a respectful way.

 

Please help!

[carhill]

Welcome to LS...

 

Something about a stable guy going off the rails when receiving a sexual request from his lover has me scratching my head.

 

So, does he come at you out of the blue with arguments?

 

I'd be inclined to write some of the impetus off to the clear signs of increasing commitment, like buying a house together and discussing having a child. People handle such increases differently depending on their history, psychology and attachment style.

 

Has he gotten this far with anyone else or is this his first time?

[basil67]

Out of curiousity, does he ever acknowledge that his behaviour is wrong? Or does he justify it as being part of his philosophy of attacking back harder?

 

I'm also curious as to how you raise the discussions where he feels attacked. For instance in the sexual thing, did you start with "I'd really love to do X again soon" or did you start with something like "you/we haven't done X in a month". See the difference? The first is encouraging and the second is attacking.

 

While my gut says that you should walk away, there's a little bit of me which would suggest counselling to work out better ways to communicate. It could give you techniques which don't leave him feeling attacked and give him techniques to learn appropriate expression of feelings. You could sell the idea by saying that you want to learn better ways to communicate with him and let the therapist give him ideas too.

 

In the meantime, DO NOT have children with him. Having children needs to be off limits until his philosophy of attacking back is unlearned.

 

Of course, if you're already using the tactful "I" statements - you may as well just walk away now.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry, but why would you want to stay with someone who calls you a cockroach, among a long litany of other scathing insults? All of this in response to a simple request? Five years of this intolerable behavior? Not what you want to hear, but I would have been long gone after the first or second instance of this behavior. He would be lost somewhere in the depths of my skid marks!

 

Reasoning hasn't worked. He simply justifies what he does by claiming he feels attacked. What makes you think that year six will suddenly be better than the previous five years? Why are you unwilling to walk away from someone who is this verbally abusive? Do you not deserve better?

[anika99]

If this has been going on for 5 yrs I doubt that it's going to change. I used to be with a guy like him and he could take a minor request and twist the meaning around into some sort of attack on him. I was mentioned that I missed the way he used to rub my back and suddenly he was in a rage saying that if I was calling him worthless and that if I wasn't happy I could just take whoring ass somewhere else. It was nuts and it was scary.

 

The worst of it was always knowing another rage was going to come but never knowing when. He too would always say he was sorry and promise he wasn't going to do it anymore. He usually couldn't ever last longer than about 3-4 weeks without going off. I was always walking on eggshells and trying to gauge his moods and figure what he wanted me to do and, trying to ward off the rage before it began. It was a hellish way to live.

 

I say walk away.

[ExpatInItaly]

This is emotional and verbal abuse.

 

Do not have a baby with this man.

 

Tell him to attend counselling with you. If he doesn't, you need to walk away. Don't expose your child to this, and for the love of Pete don't bring another one into the mix.

[privategal]

Abuse doesn't have to be physical to really harm you deeply. You usually cannot see the effects until much later and your so damaged.

 

In a healthy relationship normal couple are not constantly talking about ex's. They are your past and you are both still talking about them. That means its not just the two of you

Theres residual problems if the ex is still in the picture this much.

You can try to believe that your dream home and building a family will fix things but Im warning you it will get much worse. You are nearly a wife and hes abusing you and you are in denial that you can just hope or believe this away and just fix it by doing things like moving but you shouldnt want to commit further.

You should speak to your aunts, mother, sister, best friends...get support and get out. Speak to an abuse counselor as well. The anger and abuse and low insults even within the realm of a fight, should not be excused as just normal anger. A coachroach? Open your eyes, you need to end this.

[standtall]

Rominata...lay down the law with him, and mean it. It ends or you leave. Explain to him that there is a difference between complaining about a behavior/conduct versus attacking ones character. One is a complaint, the other is a criticism. One is perfectly OK in typical marriage spats, the other is not.

 

I have been married for 20 yrs, and I was terrible for doing this in the beginning of our marriage with my wife because I din't know how to argue fairly...I just didn't know. After a close call with divorce in our 5th year, that is something I learned to stop doing with MC. Know, i wouldn't dream of doing that with my wife or anyone else, because it is so destructive and hurtful.

[elaine567]

And then, bang!

 

Yesterday, another ugly fight, worse than the previous. It started with me expressing a wish about something sexual he used to do, but haven't done in over a month and somehow evolved in god knows what.

He really used low blows that he never used before:

 

that i don't know how to do a blowjob (he's not into them and he never complained),

that i wasn't as pretty as his ex (knowing that I am jealous of her), that she's a better person than I am, if he was in love with her, he wouldn't been with her, not with me!

that I'm the only woman with whom he's feeling distrustful (yet, his ex cheated on her ex),

that I can go and f^&* other men if I want (and he's a possessive man),

that I was a cockroach (when he said that about my exes, I said that his were that too, so he continued that I was the worse of them).

 

It gives you the idea of the extremely low level of the fight. I'm so ashamed to even write it.

 

I guess he a stored up a bit of resentment in the month you were "fight free" and given the excuse for a fight, it all came tumbling out again.

 

This is emotional abuse, pure and simple. He either agrees to counselling, and learns how to be less abusive, or you need to walk away.

I am though a bit concerned about why he felt the need to bring up his ex after more than 5 years, sounds like he may have unresolved issues there.

What he said here was pretty hurtful to you and went way above and beyond the usual insults. Sounds like he is almost trying to get rid of you.

 

I'm in shock. Just last week, he was calling me family and now this. Overall, he's a normal stable man. People like him. He's nice with my son. We just bought a house where we're supposed to move next month. We're talking about having a baby.

The thing about abusers is that they are never abusers 24/7, they are often "lovely" and "charming" people who everyone thinks are wonderful but behind closed doors they can sometimes show a very dark side. People stay with abusers because of that lovely side, they persuade themselves that the good overrides the bad, they stick around for that smile, that tender kiss, that sign that despite all, "he/she really loves me"...but the bad eventually seeps into every aspect of their life. Walking on eggshells, "changing" so as to not cause upset, forever keeping the peace, watching every word and deed, being hyper-alert to moods that can change in an instant, never being able to relax or let the guard down...etc. etc.

[ForeverAlone2016]

Hello,

I've been with my SO for almost 5 years. When we started our relationship, I was committed not to repeat mistakes I've made with my ex, practice fair communication, respect my SO, etc. However, he's a very poor communicator and whenever he feels attacked (and according to me, I'm not attacking), it's insults. I told him many times that it hurts me, he said he'll try not to do it, but his philosophy is that if he's being attacked, he absolutely has to attack back and harder.

We've been through a lot and that caused some resentment on my side, so obviously it caused many tensions. I'm not perfect, I know I caused many fights, but my intention was usually solve the issue, not to create a bad fight.

 

Outside of fights, we are doing well. We almost didn't fight for a month (as a decision to work on the relationship). There was a lot of affection, mutual help (not perfect, but I was feeling happy). He even thanked me for being so patient and sticking around, so that now we are happy. And then, bang! Yesterday, another ugly fight, worse than the previous. It started with me expressing a wish about something sexual he used to do, but haven't done in over a month and somehow evolved in god knows what. He really used low blows that he never used before: that i don't know how to do a blowjob (he's not into them and he never complained), that i wasn't as pretty as his ex (knowing that I am jealous of her), that she's a better person than I am, if he was in love with her, he wouldn't been with her, not with me! that I'm the only woman with whom he's feeling distrustful (yet, his ex cheated on her ex), that I can go and f^&* other men if I want (and he's a possessive man), that I was a cockroach (when he said that about my exes, I said that his were that too, so he continued that I was the worse of them). It gives you the idea of the extremely low level of the fight. I'm so ashamed to even write it. I'm in shock. Just last week, he was calling me family and now this. Overall, he's a normal stable man. People like him. He's nice with my son. We just bought a house where we're supposed to move next month. We're talking about having a baby.

 

What should I do? How do I put my foot down? Or is it worthless, should I just leave, because it doesn't look like he's capable of changing. I can do my best, but I can't do it for both, I react to things too, unless they are said in a respectful way.

 

Please help!

 

I am really sorry you are going through this. Please get out of this relationship. I can tell you now that it does not get better, only worse. I was exactly in your position with my most recent ex. I gave him plenty of chances but all major fights led to massive amounts of abuse - some even went public later on in the relationship. I know you love him and he promises the world, but in reality it may not happen. It rarely ever improves. I was just like you. I kept believing and trying to be patient but this just resulted in me wasting a lot of my time on a man who did not respect me. This sort of relationship will start eating you alive and is definitely not healthy for your son. Respect should be a pre-requisite in a relationship.

[SomethingToSay]

And there is a young boy in the household when all this is occurring?? And you are thinking about bringing another into this abusive environment??

 

Please no.

[BetheButterfly]

Hello,

I've been with my SO for almost 5 years. When we started our relationship, I was committed not to repeat mistakes I've made with my ex, practice fair communication, respect my SO, etc. However, he's a very poor communicator and whenever he feels attacked (and according to me, I'm not attacking), it's insults.

 

We can't change other people. A person has to want to change and change himself or herself. Out of curiosity, did you see these red flags before getting together?

 

I told him many times that it hurts me, he said he'll try not to do it, but his philosophy is that if he's being attacked, he absolutely has to attack back and harder.

Why does that sound familiar? I've heard that in the news about someone....

 

Anyways, it's very important to not personally attack one's partner, which is something it seems he has not learned.

 

He even thanked me for being so patient and sticking around, so that now we are happy.

That's awesome!

 

And then, bang! Yesterday, another ugly fight, worse than the previous. It started with me expressing a wish about something sexual he used to do, but haven't done in over a month and somehow evolved in god knows what. He really used low blows that he never used before: that i don't know how to do a blowjob (he's not into them and he never complained), that i wasn't as pretty as his ex (knowing that I am jealous of her), that she's a better person than I am, if he was in love with her, he wouldn't been with her, not with me! that I'm the only woman with whom he's feeling distrustful (yet, his ex cheated on her ex), that I can go and f^&* other men if I want (and he's a possessive man), that I was a cockroach (when he said that about my exes, I said that his were that too, so he continued that I was the worse of them). It gives you the idea of the extremely low level of the fight..

My advice is to drop him like a hot potato. To me, he is verbally abusing you. There's no need to be his verbal punching bag, nope.

 

I'm so ashamed to even write it. I'm in shock. Just last week, he was calling me family and now this. Overall, he's a normal stable man. People like him. He's nice with my son. We just bought a house where we're supposed to move next month. We're talking about having a baby

This huge red flag has come up before you have a baby together, which is helpful. You have a decision to make. Will you stay with a man who at a moment's notice will verbally punch you around like his own emotional punching bag, or do you have enough self respect to leave him and find a man who knows how to love you? It's important for a partner to be on your team/side, instead of tearing you down like an enemy would.

What should I do? How do I put my foot down? Or is it worthless, should I just leave, because it doesn't look like he's capable of changing. I can do my best, but I can't do it for both, I react to things too, unless they are said in a respectful way.

 

Please help!

I would leave.

 

I have enough self-respect to not allow myself to be the emotional punching bag or doormat of any man.

 

My husband is an awesome man who loves me and who has NEVER told me anything like your boyfriend told you. We've been married for around 5 years, and not once has he been verbally abusive to me.

 

If you want to have a good marriage, it's important to choose a good partner who knows how to communicate and fight without verbally tearing you down. My hubby and I argue, but we never personally attack each other. When we offend each other accidentally (like when he called a craft I made "ugly" and when I described him as ignorant of something, not realizing that's a huge insult in his eyes), we apologize and forgive.

 

If your boyfriend truly wants to change, he can, but he needs to prove it. Please don't reward his bad behavior with becoming his doormat. Don't let him treat you that way. If you let him and ignore that, it may very well continue, which is what many victims of abuse experience. Some victims of physical and verbal abuse believe they deserve it, but that's not true. You deserve love from your partner, not abuse!!!

Edited May 26, 2016 by BetheButterfly

[BetheButterfly]

Rominata...lay down the law with him, and mean it. It ends or you leave. Explain to him that there is a difference between complaining about a behavior/conduct versus attacking ones character. One is a complaint, the other is a criticism. One is perfectly OK in typical marriage spats, the other is not.

 

I have been married for 20 yrs, and I was terrible for doing this in the beginning of our marriage with my wife because I din't know how to argue fairly...I just didn't know. After a close call with divorce in our 5th year, that is something I learned to stop doing with MC. .

 

That's a great testimony. Thanks Standtall! Definitely both men and women can change and become awesome communicators, truly loving their partners! One has to work at change though; it doesn't come naturally to everyone.

 

Know, i wouldn't dream of doing that with my wife or anyone else, because it is so destructive and hurtful

You are awesome!!!!

[RecentChange]

PLEASE do not bring a child into this relationship of unrest!!! Think he is nasty, and that you two fight now? Bring the stress of a lack of sleep and all of the pressures of child raising into the mix, a real recipe for disaster.

 

And as for the fighting and insults - not okay, on any level.

 

I can tell you have done some crummy things, and NEVER, not once ever had someone throw insults at me like your bf has to you. It's abuse. You shouldn't tolerate it.

 

Where do you really see the two of you in a few years? How do you picture the state of your self esteem? How do you accept that a man who supposedly loves you speaks to you with words of HATE.

Edited May 26, 2016 by RecentChange

[Grumpybutfun]

Welcome to LS. I'm sorry you are going through something so hurtful.

 

People will treat you as you accept, and you are accepting verbal abuse. I have been married for 20 years and my wife and I collectively haven't spewed such vitriol in all that time. We have a saying....anger is acceptable to feel but not to attack with, therefore we ask for a time out and come back later to each other when we aren't s heated. After the initial years of our marriage yelling and being idiots we decided that was a sure way to make the other resent us so we take breaks when we are feeling out of control. It is as simple as having a conversation when both of you are ok and saying.....when I feel like I'm going to talk to you horribly, I will ask for a break and you must leave me alone until I return. You both have to agree and practice it a few times before it feels natural.

 

We simply decided to talk to each other like we are someone the there loves rather than some POS we can't stand, which is what your bf did. You might need to write down what is unacceptable behaviors to you and ask him to do the same so that it is clear what will no longer be tolerated in your relationship.

Best,

G

[privategal]

Op has already spoken to him about it AND its been going on for FIVE years.

The advice to lay it on the table has been well passed.

She made it clear it was upsetting and hurtful and he did it again and was lower.

I think personally the things he said were way WAY over the line of what is forgivable. Its time for consequences.

Id leave. I would not return until counseling sessions and anger managenent were not only scheduled but followed through on.

This is serious and extremely harmful to you and has lasting effects on both you and your child.

Im shuttering at the statements he made to you. Its not ok and talking hasnt helped.

Im not sure even with counseling Id be willing to forgive and provide a 2nd chance.

[S2B]

If it's been addressed for five years and it hasn't changed - I'd say best way - is to eliminate the person doing the insulting.

[noelle303]

I would definitely consider his behavior verbal abuse.

 

Having fights is normal in a relationship. But there should always be respect between the two partners and personal insults are not respect.

 

He needs to learn to control his anger if he can't get into a fight without using insults.

 

Suggest counseling - either couple's counseling or individual counseling and if he refuses I would move on.

 

The most concerning part is that you actually feel ashamed after these fights, ashamed of the things he said to you and of your relationship. I know you may not think this is a big deal, but it is. That is how abusers make their victims feel and how they isolate them from others. With shame.