On a break - what to make of this?

[elizabetk]

Hi there,

 

Many thanks for everyone who's to give advice. Some of you might remember previous threads I've commenced, if that's the case please feel feel to skip the resume and go straight into the current matter.

 

Resume: Boyfriend (30, very successful) and I (23, well educated with a good a job) have been dating for five months now. The relationship started off very intensely and we got serious from the start. He has been an amazing partner and until recently I could not wish for more. Constant communication, romantic dates, meeting each other's families, wedding parties etc.

 

The way things escalated: He has a highly demanding job in a leading investment bank, therefore I was warned at the start that work might take over at some point. I accepted it considering my own busy lifestyle and we went on with our lives. The last three weeks have been awfully strenuous for us as he's been working 100+ hours with no weekends. Needless to say, seeing each other has been impossible and trying to be understanding got harder.

 

Issue: I couldn't handle the lack of usual amounts of communication any longer and upon having a very hard time with my family, I needed him and his support. He seemed somewhat reserved and although wanting to understand the situation, he did not offer to spend time with me/hold me (mind you, it was all over message as we were both at work). Because I was emotional and an absolute wreck at that time, I sent a message that I understand how demanding work is but that things are different, perhaps he's not happy with me and maybe we are not right for each other. His response was dry, stating that "I am busy with work and don't really have any spare time. So things aren't the same. Maybe we'd be better off taking a break for a while."

I knew he was expecting my response for good couple of hours (could see him typing but not sending the messages) and I contemplated saying either "Take as long as you need, I am done " or "Let's discuss in person and see if it's worth it in the long shot" but instead decided to break the pattern of strongly demanding and emotionally charged conversations that I introduced. Therefore, I joked saying "Maybe. After the break do we go on a date or straight to bed?" (Inside joke), his response was obvious and I could see he was relieved. We sent a few more light-hearted messages.

 

I don't know what to do here - I have feelings for him, yet his attitude baffled me. I expected more because he was constantly giving more before. However, I was fully aware what work could be like for him and people with his profession. I also knew work would come first more often than not. Yet, he either was not man enough to end it while already doing so in his head or truly couldn't handle stress at work, no time to sleep and my demands, ultimately resulting in suggesting space. Do I go on with my life and see how it pans out or should I give it a month and then completely disregard him?

 

Thanks!

Edited May 26, 2016 by elizabetk

[PegNosePete]

He is someone who can't be relied on in a crisis. When you're feeling down, he will suggest a "break" instead of stepping to the plate or compromise.

 

Let me tell you something. There is no such thing as a "break". There is only together, and not together. A break is simply a long, drawn out break-up. Relationship problems are not fixed by a break. They are fixed by communication. Especially after only 5 months, he suggests a break, is a major red flag. I don't think this relationship has long-term potential if he's asking for a break after just 5 months. 5 months in is supposed to be the honeymoon period, all rainbows and unicorns and nice things! Not stress, and calling for a "break" at the first sign of trouble.....

 

If I were you I'd tell him that you're NOT OK with a break. That if he wants to carry on being in a relationship with you then he needs to act like someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. If he can't do that, then the relationship is over. That's what I'd tell him - but I am quite straightforward and don't like to be BS'd. You might phrase it a bit less bluntly, but not the first part, that you are NOT OK with a break! That is a deal-breaker!

[TaraMaiden2]

He is someone who can't be relied on in a crisis. When you're feeling down, he will suggest a "break" instead of stepping to the plate or compromise.

 

Let me tell you something. There is no such thing as a "break". There is only together, and not together. A break is simply a long, drawn out break-up. Relationship problems are not fixed by a break. They are fixed by communication. Especially after only 5 months, he suggests a break, is a major red flag. I don't think this relationship has long-term potential if he's asking for a break after just 5 months. 5 months in is supposed to be the honeymoon period, all rainbows and unicorns and nice things! Not stress, and calling for a "break" at the first sign of trouble.....

 

If I were you I'd tell him that you're NOT OK with a break. That if he wants to carry on being in a relationship with you then he needs to act like someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. If he can't do that, then the relationship is over. That's what I'd tell him - but I am quite straightforward and don't like to be BS'd. You might phrase it a bit less bluntly, but not the first part, that you are NOT OK with a break! That is a deal-breaker!

 

Bold = QFT.

 

There are certain 'ground rules'[Highlight]*[/Highlight] to taking breaks, but on the whole, with very, very, but VERY FEW exceptions - taking a break' means 'we're going to break up anyway, this is just the cowardly pre-amble'....

 

 

I agree wholeheartedly with PNP's post.

 

 

 

 

([Highlight]*[/Highlight]Ground rules:

 

• Definite period of time. Usually 2 weeks max.
   
  
• No communicating, talking, texting, writing, seeing or messaging. Complete No Contact.
   
  
• No outside dating, seeing anyone else, talking to, socialising or meeting others; the two weeks is designed as a period of contemplation for both partners to consider what they need to contribute, and what they'd like in contribution form the other.
   
  
• Definite date, time and place (neutral territory) to discuss aforementioned period of contemplation.)
  

[elaine567]

He started off very intensely with all those engagement/marriage/pregnancy jokes., but recently he has gone distant on you as per your more recent threads, and now he wants a break.

I think you have to accept that he just doesn't feel the same way as you do, he distanced himself and now he has broken up with you.

It is the way relationships tend to end, sometimes they can be resurrected for a short while but the same old issues come up again and it eventually fizzles out all together.

 

Its not just his work, busy people make time for people they are interested in and want to keep.

I guess he just lost interest here.

[pidgeon1010]

I work with investment bankers (analysts, associates, VPs, SVPs, etc.) and other people in the financial world- I am on the legal side and yes the hours can be brutal. VERY VERY LONG. I've worked some nightmarish 100+ hour weeks on deals and still found time to spend with my ex (he was also an extremely busy tech entrepreneur/venture capitalist). It's hard especially if you don't live together. I recall times where we'd get together and I'd pass out within the hour.

 

I sort of understand both sides of the issue but the fact that your bf brought up taking a break (which almost always leads to a breakup) may show where his head is at. Perhaps he no longer wants to invest the time or effort or his feelings are not as strong anymore. Either way, you should have a talk with him so you are both on the same page. You can be understanding and not expect to see him as frequently when he's busy but you can't be the only one making the sacrifices. I wouldn't be surprised if he sometimes goes to the bar with friends/co-workers too when he gets a little bit of a reprieve on a deal. It's like a ritual! How much contact (or lack thereof) are we talking about here? when was the last time you saw him?

[BC1980]

Agree with everyone else, but I'd add that you need to communicate in person or with a phi do call next time. Not text.

[elizabetk]

I work with investment bankers (analysts, associates, VPs, SVPs, etc.) and other people in the financial world- I am on the legal side and yes the hours can be brutal. VERY VERY LONG. I've worked some nightmarish 100+ hour weeks on deals and still found time to spend with my ex (he was also an extremely busy tech entrepreneur/venture capitalist). It's hard especially if you don't live together. I recall times where we'd get together and I'd pass out within the hour.

 

I sort of understand both sides of the issue but the fact that your bf brought up taking a break (which almost always leads to a breakup) may show where his head is at. Perhaps he no longer wants to invest the time or effort or his feelings are not as strong anymore. Either way, you should have a talk with him so you are both on the same page. You can be understanding and not expect to see him as frequently when he's busy but you can't be the only one making the sacrifices. I wouldn't be surprised if he sometimes goes to the bar with friends/co-workers too when he gets a little bit of a reprieve on a deal. It's like a ritual! How much contact (or lack thereof) are we talking about here? when was the last time you saw him?

 

 

Thanks, inside information is always very useful. I think people who are unaware of the industry, struggle to understand how demanding it is (I work in a similar environment myself). He is currently putting all his effort into getting a VP promotion and was going over logistics with his boss and ultimately got a lot more on his plate. We don't live together and it takes us about an hour to get from my place of the city to his, so that does make it complicated when schedules are full on. Absolutely understand the importance of the drinks ritual, most of the time he'd invite me over to join his friends/colleagues before we go to dinner or home.

 

We haven't seen one another for three and a half weeks now, with a few last minute cancellations which are completely normal for us due to the nature of his job.

I feel like talking to him about it now would not do either of us a favour, I would much rather leave it at his "suggested break" and a light-hearted joke that shows the fact I truly don't take it as hurtful. Ultimately, I would see how things pan out in the next 2-3 weeks. If he does not initiate contact, then I would have my answer. Otherwise, if he is willing to try and win me back, a frank conversation must be had. What do you suggest?

[d0nnivain]

You have only been dating him for 5 months. Yet you expected him to deal with your family stress while he was at work through text message no less. Everybody else seems to think what is wrong here is on him. I think it's on you. He was attentive when it was easy & stress free. That is all that is required at 5 months IMO. Your expectations were too high this early. You also can't have emotional conversations any other way then face to face.

 

Him wanting a break was a polite way of him saying you are too needy for him. You admit that you need more then he could give when you say "Issue: I couldn't handle the lack of usual amounts of communication any longer". If pressed for specifics, I suspect what you find to be the "usual amounts of communication" I would find smothering. It's a compatibility issue.

 

You two were not really on the same page about any of this stuff. Just assume this break is permanent & move on. this is far too much stress & drama this early on in a relationship.

[elizabetk]

You have only been dating him for 5 months. Yet you expected him to deal with your family stress while he was at work through text message no less. Everybody else seems to think what is wrong here is on him. I think it's on you. He was attentive when it was easy & stress free. That is all that is required at 5 months IMO. Your expectations were too high this early. You also can't have emotional conversations any other way then face to face.

 

Him wanting a break was a polite way of him saying you are too needy for him. You admit that you need more then he could give when you say "Issue: I couldn't handle the lack of usual amounts of communication any longer". If pressed for specifics, I suspect what you find to be the "usual amounts of communication" I would find smothering. It's a compatibility issue.

 

You two were not really on the same page about any of this stuff. Just assume this break is permanent & move on. this is far too much stress & drama this early on in a relationship.

 

Thanks but I truly disgree with your option.

To clarify , I messaged him in evening, apologising I haven't spoken to him through the day, saying things are crazy on my end and that it would be good if he could give me a call when he can. He didn't look/respond, and I didn't make much of it. However, my mum got worse and I was absolutely helpless, simply needed reassurance. Tried calling and messaged saying it's a truly tough time for me. That's all there is.

He responded back in the morning asking what's the matter, what happened yesterday, how are things today etc. I was absolutely exhausted from lack of sleep and worry, hence said I can't put it down in a message. I am usually one of those people who never needs any emotional support and he's joked with me that he doesn't know how I do it . For me to need him means that I literally can't do it on my own and him dealing with my family issues is the last thing I wanted.

Later that day I was influenced by the turmoil and simply messaged saying that I understand the insane schedule and importance of his work but that it felt different, suggesting that perhaps he's unhappy and therefore we are not right for one another. You guys know the rest. However, I did not respond in a way that burdens either of us after he suggested a break.

 

Also, important to note - I am truly not needy. Last week he was saying that I was probably happy he had so much work, considering I love my space. When we first started dating, I warmed him that too much control/attention from my partner is not ideal for me. Yet, not seeing someone for 3 weeks after constantly being with them and sensing somewhat different behaviour does eventually catch up on you. Think here, I've suggested we see one another a few times, never making him feel bad about having to cancel. I've told him I've missed him a few times and that I'd make sure he gets extra special care for all his hard work. During the day, we'd exchange a few messages but I'd usually not respond straight away due to my own schedule.

 

Also, you cannot have a face to face conversation when someone does not have the time to see you.

[d0nnivain]

This last response, post # 9, paints a different picture.

 

I'm not sure why you didn't call. If you are upset about a family medical emergency a good guy will at least listen to you.

 

From your initial post, I apparently mistakenly thought you were messaging him at work repeatedly sort of encouraging him to drop what he was doing at work to glue you back together. I think you will agree that is a different thing & is unacceptable at 5 months.

 

Still he's now indicating he's unwilling to address your concerns. he also doesn't seem to even want to spend any time with you. He's pulling waaaayyy back. Before you waste 1/2 a year on him, isn't it better to get out sooner rather than later?

 

I hope your mom is doing better.

[elizabetk]

This last response, post # 9, paints a different picture.

 

I'm not sure why you didn't call. If you are upset about a family medical emergency a good guy will at least listen to you.

 

From your initial post, I apparently mistakenly thought you were messaging him at work repeatedly sort of encouraging him to drop what he was doing at work to glue you back together. I think you will agree that is a different thing & is unacceptable at 5 months.

 

Still he's now indicating he's unwilling to address your concerns. he also doesn't seem to even want to spend any time with you. He's pulling waaaayyy back. Before you waste 1/2 a year on him, isn't it better to get out sooner rather than later?

 

I hope your mom is doing better.

 

Thank you, much better now.

 

I understand. No, I wouldn't bother him at work regardless of how bad things really were. I know it can wait, I can deal on my own with most if not everything but I did need him as he is the person I love, and thought loves me back.

I know his work is truly insane at the moment and I also know that because of my own schedule, I cannot blame him for not finding the time to see each other. I see the situation as a win win for me, I would not initiate communication, considering he knows there is trouble in paradise but nothing ended on a dramatic note and gauge on the way it evolves. He messages back and I either let him in after a serious one on one chat or then decide to reject him depending on how I feel. Other option is for him to ghost me and never speak to me. Either way, I'd know his true character and in the mean time, I am planning to emotionally move on with my life.

[pidgeon1010]

Thanks, inside information is always very useful. I think people who are unaware of the industry, struggle to understand how demanding it is (I work in a similar environment myself). He is currently putting all his effort into getting a VP promotion and was going over logistics with his boss and ultimately got a lot more on his plate. We don't live together and it takes us about an hour to get from my place of the city to his, so that does make it complicated when schedules are full on. Absolutely understand the importance of the drinks ritual, most of the time he'd invite me over to join his friends/colleagues before we go to dinner or home.

 

We haven't seen one another for three and a half weeks now, with a few last minute cancellations which are completely normal for us due to the nature of his job.

I feel like talking to him about it now would not do either of us a favour, I would much rather leave it at his "suggested break" and a light-hearted joke that shows the fact I truly don't take it as hurtful. Ultimately, I would see how things pan out in the next 2-3 weeks. If he does not initiate contact, then I would have my answer. Otherwise, if he is willing to try and win me back, a frank conversation must be had. What do you suggest?

 

I think that's a good way to approach it. I doubt he'll just disappear for good but who knows. You showed maturity by not losing your cool when he suggested the break. When/if he returns and broaches the subject, then you can have the conversation. A break is never an acceptable response to work demands/stressors. Plus there are things he can do to make you feel supported/loved even when things are hectic. If he doesn't return, then you have your answer- he wasn't really invested and the work thing was more of an excuse.. Best wishes to you!

[Daisymae2016]

I am so sorry for your problems! It hurts when you don't get the support you need. I do suspect, however, that your bf is not as attached to you as you previously thought. His wanting to "take a break" clearly sends a message of disconnecting.

 

The heartbreaking (but correct) response is to say "fine". He will either realize he's losing you and regret that suggestion or thank you for your brief response. From then on it's a wait-and-see. The next move on the chess board is totally his. If you don't hear from him, then you will have your answer.

 

I pray for your happiness.

[juniorrocha]

I don't know if it's because I just came out of a horrible relationship, but it seems to me that everything is alright. He just needs space right now, so you should work on yourself/stuff. Maybe the break he referred to didn't mean to be necessarily from you, but rather everything else so he can keep up with his job, maybe he didn't think well when he said that? And as long as there are no other people involved, I suppose it's alright to wait. My ex worked with events and sometimes we'd go days barely talking because she was very busy, sometimes working from 7AM til 11PM to get everything set up. But we'd still contact each other a bit throughout the day.

 

Idk, it just seems like he will come back. If everything was well before he got very busy, then I suppose there's no reason why he would want to get out.

[elizabetk]

I am so sorry for your problems! It hurts when you don't get the support you need. I do suspect, however, that your bf is not as attached to you as you previously thought. His wanting to "take a break" clearly sends a message of disconnecting.

 

The heartbreaking (but correct) response is to say "fine". He will either realize he's losing you and regret that suggestion or thank you for your brief response. From then on it's a wait-and-see. The next move on the chess board is totally his. If you don't hear from him, then you will have your answer.

 

I pray for your happiness.

 

Thank you so much, appreciate the kind words.

It is truly a waiting game at the moment, I have decided to not contact him and see how it all goes. Nevertheless, it is hard to completely detach myself for the time being but it if is meant to be, it will be.

 

I don't know if it's because I just came out of a horrible relationship, but it seems to me that everything is alright. He just needs space right now, so you should work on yourself/stuff. Maybe the break he referred to didn't mean to be necessarily from you, but rather everything else so he can keep up with his job, maybe he didn't think well when he said that? And as long as there are no other people involved, I suppose it's alright to wait. My ex worked with events and sometimes we'd go days barely talking because she was very busy, sometimes working from 7AM til 11PM to get everything set up. But we'd still contact each other a bit throughout the day.

 

Idk, it just seems like he will come back. If everything was well before he got very busy, then I suppose there's no reason why he would want to get out.

 

It is highly probable. Things were well before he got very busy but then again, even if he comes back I suppose I would have to still be emotionally invested and willing to give it another go.

[elizabetk]

I thought it would be good to give everyone and update and hear your opinions in light most recent circumstances.

 

After a little over two weeks he contacted me, appearing genuinely interested to see how I am feeling and doing. We haven't had a heavy discission and believe if it is to be had, it should be in person. What are your thoughts after his made the next move on the chessboard?

[lana-banana]

There is no chessboard and there are no moves. He didn't say he was interested in a heavy discussion, he just asked how you were doing. You could reply if you wanted, but it sounds like you're still holding on to the possibility that he's into you. Unless he expresses a desire to meet you then you should assume he's just being polite.

[NIGHT1985]

I hate that you're going through this, but rarely do breaks lead anywhere but break ups. I hope your situation is different and everything works out for you!