How do I deal with the anxiety my relationship has brought me?

[Bebeexo]

Hello everybody. I'm 21 and have been with my boyfriend for well over a year. It was one of those relationships where you knew right away. He's my first partner for everything. We have long term plans for the future and I love him with my whole heart. Upon entering a relationship with him I was scared if he knew my true feelings on certain things he wouldn't want to be with me. One of those issues was pornography. I was sort of traumatized by porn at a young age because I caught my dad and brother both looking at it and they both freaked out on me. I also feel monogamy is not looking at other nude people without your partner. I don't mind movies with nudity in them when the whole plot isn't porn, but I don't like porn at all.

 

At the beginning of the relationship we discussed porn and I said I acknowledged most men watch porn, but my boyfriend said he didn't watch it that much since he's been with me. I snooped (I regret it) the first time and saw he messaged girls on Facebook, being friendly but I didn't like it. This led me to snoop multiple times and I saw porn. It upset me actually seeing it, when I didn't know what he was doing it didn't upset me as much. When we discussed it he lied at first and said he didn't know how it got there. Eventually he went the whole "I love you it doesn't mean anything route." He stopped videos but looked at pictures. It was a cycle for a few months. I kept snooping and his usage was about once or twice a month. Mind you, we have sex every day and I do a lot of various things for him.

 

We argued about it a last time and he said he's a man and it's what men do; but once we calmly discussed it he realized that my concerns were valid and stopped. He showed me his phone once and said "I want you to be proud of me and for you to know I respect you. I don't need or want anyone else." He's a sweet guy and barely checks out other women in public, he's said many times to his family "she's the only one who I think is beautiful," and "I don't need to check out other girls when I have the best one out there."

 

I guess I just don't fully believe him. He's reassured me a bunch of times since then. But other things happen to trigger my insecurities and then it makes me not believe him. Like I snooped again (haven't snooped in over three months) and saw he looked up Donald trump's wife naked and he said it was because I was discussing with him how she posed nude before and how Trump and Cruz were battling over it, that he wanted to see what I was talking about.

 

My boyfriend tells me he doesn't masturbate (he said he last did months ago when we hadn't had sex in a few days). He said it feels dirty and he has no need of it because he has me. I guess the porn thing mostly bothered me because he lied. He'd look up black celebrities naked (we're both white, and he only dates white wonen), and he'd go on a website where girls posted nude pictures. When we had social media he'd add/accept friend requests from sexy girls and would follow and like porn stars on Instagram. He assured me he hasn't done it in almost five months. I told him about my traumatic experience as a kid and he said that's even more of a reason for him not to do it. This girl in his class used to talk to him frequently and flirt with him and he'd delete her texts. He doesn't talk to her anymore cuz she started drama with me twice.

 

I don't know how to relax. I'm going to therapy soon but it hurts me because I know he loves me and that he wants me to feel confident and happy. I don't know how to not doubt him so much. I guess it's cuz I've seen so many posts where people say guys lie about it and that they get better at hiding it. I get worried when he's bored at home sometimes that he's doing that. Help :/

[Space Ritual]

Get some Xanax when you go to the doctor for your anxiety attacks.

 

as far as your boyfriend, you cannot control his actions, only your own.

 

If you don't find his behavior acceptable then get a new boyfriend. everyone is different, so what some people find acceptable others do not. so there is no right or wrong, just what you feel is worth your time in a relationship.

 

If this is something you can work on with your BF, fine. If not,then that is ok as well.

 

Life is too short.

[VeveCakes]

Ah no sorry you don't need to prescription drugs. It's bothering you but you can't change him, you need to find someone with the same values as you, or learn to accept it. For me, following porn stars all over social media is a huge red flag and big fat no. I would move on...

[acrosstheuniverse]

Expecting your partner not to look at porn I guess depends on your own individual values, though I would be surprised if you meet someone this day and age who doesn't occasionally use it, it's just a normal part of many peoples every day lives. But expecting him not to masturbate strays way over into controlling behaviour IMO. As long as he's not cheating with other women, why do you feel you have a right to expect him not to do something the VAST majority of normal health adults do that feels good and is relaxing? I get the sense you want to own your partner's sexuality, every expression of it has to be directed towards you, he has to be thinking of you, it's just so unrealistic.

 

I'm glad you're heading to therapy because until you work on these issues within yourself all of your relationships will be full of tension, you constantly monitoring the guy's private behaviour, questioning him, wondering what he's up to rather than simply enjoying the relationship. It sounds like he's been incredibly tolerant towards you so far but I doubt it'll last forever, especially as you're repeatedly invading his privacy. Don't you think everyone has a right to privacy? You don't even seem to register that it's wrong!

 

I'm a woman, I watch porn, I find other men attractive as well as my partner, the same goes for him. Hell, I came home the other day and he'd left a bottle of lube in the living room so I teased him about whether he'd enjoyed the excitement of masturbating in a different room to the bedroom and we laughed and went on with our days. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you beautiful, just that when you're not around and he wants that pleasure porn is a quick and easy way of achieving it. I can't fathom being suffocated to the extent you're describing, please be honest and open with your therapist about all of this because these are YOUR issues, not his, and you would do well to work on them before pushing him away for good.

[d0nnivain]

You get a new relationship. If the relationship is causing you anxiety because your partner is doing something you don't approve of you recognize that as a point of incompatibility & you stop trying to force a round peg into a square hole. Good relationships bring you peace & comfort not constant stress where you think you need to have meds to cope.

 

 

You don't like porn. He does. You simply need to date the rare man that shares your view.

[Gaeta]

Sweetie you need to mature and understand 99% of men look at porn and pictures. You know when you walk downtown and see a pair of beautiful shoes in a shop window? For a moment you think ' ohhhh they 're nice ' and as soon as you turn your head you forgot about them? It's a bit like that with men and porn. OH look pretty! Poof gone!

 

Therapy is the best direction for you. Good luck.

[Seerum]

Sweetie you need to mature and understand 99% of men look at porn and pictures. You know when you walk downtown and see a pair of beautiful shoes in a shop window? For a moment you think ' ohhhh they 're nice ' and as soon as you turn your head you forgot about them? It's a bit like that with men and porn. OH look pretty! Poof gone!

 

Therapy is the best direction for you. Good luck.

 

Oh my goodness, I am a man and I have never thought of our viewing of porn in that way. Once I seen how you describe it though bells went off in my head. That is exactly what I do.

 

Thank you for that colorful insight which also brought a smile to my face.

[Hopeful714]

And I own about 100 pairs of shoes....just sayin.