Logic and Emotions at war

[paradoxx]

While it may be to forward, what are some of your husbands issues? What did your relationship with OM give you that was missing?

 

Please note while many of the posts on Messy ladies thread hold true in many cases, I firmly believe she is dealing with a player. Which may not be the case with you.

 

Finally how did the two of you meet?

 

 

I've been trying to answer these questions myself because I don't love my AP. We met at a workshop for work. We talked quite a bit and exchanged numbers for work related reasons. After I texted a contact's information I'd promised, we began texting a bit, but just joking chit chat once every 1-3 days. I even mentioned him to H and showed him the texts. H said he was uncomfortable with a other man texting me and I led him to believe I stopped. This is where I crossed the line. This went on for over a year but with sometimes weeks or months before either one of us responded. Then he moved to a job close by and the texts became more suggestive until eventually we met.

 

My H changed after we were married. He became controlling and closed off. It was the worst when I was feeling vulnerable because he would shut down and ignore me like I didn't exist. There are also issues from his past that he wont deal with that are affecting how he treats me, but I wont go into detail with those.

 

OM reminds me, I think, of the man I first met who I thought I was marrying. I feel like i am not restricted when I'm with him. Like I'm regaining a part of myself that has been held back.

[Josmatjes]

Oh, yes, it is indeed frightening.

 

I didn't plan on or even foresee having an affair. I have been with my husband for over a decade and a half. I thought I was the luckiest and the happiest person alive. Since the turmoil of the affair and finding myself drowning in the confusion for three years, with the help of my therapist I am starting to see things that I never thought would even be possible.

 

It took me decade and half to finally open my eyes and what I have just realized is that I have been emotionally abused for this many years in my marriage and I had no clue. Yet, looking back now, I see every red flag glaring right at my face from the start. I ignored all the warning signs all along. I suspected nothing. And, with horror I also realize that on some subconscious level I must had known something was wrong.

 

It's so easy to think we know ourselves.

 

It's scary to find out how little we actually know ourselves. Our own minds are amazing mazes and we are capable of deluding ourselves to such limitless capacity.

 

It somehow all feels like a the worst form of betrayal--all self imposed.

 

 

I hear what your saying. I never thought in a million years that I would have an affair. But looking back now, the truth is, if I really was in love with my husband than I never could of done this. Same as you I look back and see many red flags. Things that I'd sweep under the rug cause that's what good little wives do. Learning to deal with things.

I never knew that I was capable of this. But I'm alone now with neither man for the first time in my life. Like I said I never thought I was capable of this behavior but now I see that I never thought I was capable of this strength either! I'm clearing my head and making decisions on my own based on what's best for me.

[paradoxx]

Argh! I have been back and forth in how I feel about this. I went more than a week NC and was starting to feel ok about it. Now I know it will be NC for most of the summer and I'm feeling so uneasy. I dont know how I feel about this man. On one hand I want to feel something for him. It's been so long since I've had real feelings for anyone, and maybe I want to justify why I'm doing this. On the other hand, I don't want to have feelings for him because that would make ending things so much easier.

 

I think sometimes I get a sick thrill with this emotions chaos.

[lemondrop21]

Argh! I have been back and forth in how I feel about this. I went more than a week NC and was starting to feel ok about it. Now I know it will be NC for most of the summer and I'm feeling so uneasy. I dont know how I feel about this man. On one hand I want to feel something for him. It's been so long since I've had real feelings for anyone, and maybe I want to justify why I'm doing this. On the other hand, I don't want to have feelings for him because that would make ending things so much easier.

 

I think sometimes I get a sick thrill with this emotions chaos.

 

Paradoxx, I just wanted to say that I appreciate this post because it's so honest.

 

This, too, shall pass. Eventually you will have had enough drama, and will find happiness in simple things when your mind is totally at rest. Like slicing bread or mopping the floor. The chaos will burn itself out eventually, it has to.

[paradoxx]

Here's what I've been thinking...

 

If I stay and confess, I hurt, my husband hurts, who knows, maybe the kids will notice something is up, maybe not since they're young, then who knows what happens...it will be a long road, I know.

 

If I leave, my husband hurts, the kids hurt, I will feel terrible too of course, and who knows if things will get better.

 

If I keep things as they are, and manage to not get caught (I know, that's a big if) then I get hurt. Because the A will end eventually I'm sure. Then what? I still need to deal with my marriage.

[ChickiePops]

Here's what I've been thinking...

 

If I stay and confess, I hurt, my husband hurts, who knows, maybe the kids will notice something is up, maybe not since they're young, then who knows what happens...it will be a long road, I know.

 

If I leave, my husband hurts, the kids hurt, I will feel terrible too of course, and who knows if things will get better.

 

If I keep things as they are, and manage to not get caught (I know, that's a big if) then I get hurt. Because the A will end eventually I'm sure. Then what? I still need to deal with my marriage.

 

Well yeah, someone is always going to get hurt in a bad marriage..add an affair and you multiply the pain infinitely.

 

You just have to suck it up and do something. And hopefully that something is NOT staying in the affair AND the bad marriage, because someday you will slip up and get caught, and that's the worst possible outcome.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Here's what I've been thinking...

 

If I stay and confess, I hurt, my husband hurts, who knows, maybe the kids will notice something is up, maybe not since they're young, then who knows what happens...it will be a long road, I know.

 

If I leave, my husband hurts, the kids hurt, I will feel terrible too of course, and who knows if things will get better.

 

If I keep things as they are, and manage to not get caught (I know, that's a big if) then I get hurt. Because the A will end eventually I'm sure. Then what? I still need to deal with my marriage.

 

My suggestion for what it is worth (probably not a lot but hey this is a public forum). Drop your MM and drop the affair. Take a little time out for you (maybe a vacation with just you) and give yourself some time to focus. Maybe at the end of the day you and your husband will divorce or maybe once you get the toxic emotions of the affair out the way you will realize you do love your husband and you want to fight for your marriage. But, i think if you divorced your husband still in love with your affair partner eventually you will regret this because it isn't you divorcing him it is the emotions the affair has triggered within you.

 

If you divorce your husband and realize you do miss the affair I have a feeling MM would welcome you back with open arms (affair style only of course).

 

I really hope you make the right decision if not for you or your husband then for your kids.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

I asked about his problems but your answer raised more questions than it answered. If there is a question of physical abuse all bets are off. Marriage is not a ticket to martyrdom. If there isn't my suggestions are different.

 

Also you mentioned your husband has FOO (family of origin) issues. Were you aware of them and their potential for issues going forward, what if any coping mech the two of you had in place?

 

Has your IC disscued the concept of "caregiver" with you? Has your IC discussed his FOO issues and how the impact your marriage? Finally your MC seems to think you need to separate. What are the basis's of the MC?

 

I know your original post was how to deal with your feelings. Those feelings will last until you have resolution. Hence, my questions about your marriage.

The OM is not going to leave his wife and create a family with you. He is a distraction using the crisis in your marriage. The only thing of value in that relationship is knowing what you want in your marriage, or your next one.

 

Be Well

[Ophelia25]

Here's what I've been thinking...

 

If I stay and confess, I hurt, my husband hurts, who knows, maybe the kids will notice something is up, maybe not since they're young, then who knows what happens...it will be a long road, I know.

 

If I leave, my husband hurts, the kids hurt, I will feel terrible too of course, and who knows if things will get better.

 

If I keep things as they are, and manage to not get caught (I know, that's a big if) then I get hurt. Because the A will end eventually I'm sure. Then what? I still need to deal with my marriage.

 

This is why it's not as "black and white" for me as people keep saying it is. I'm not in your exact situation, but I feel some of the same things. I don't have plans to leave my husband. Even if the AP were to show up at my door ready to take me away, and mean it, I'm not sure I could. I think my husband needs me, and he's a good friend. It seems wrong to even contemplate leaving him for my own selfish and probably stupid reasons. Do I love him? I think so. I just don't WANT him like I do the AP, I don't feel that intense desperate desire, that thrill at hearing his voice, or seeing a text, that ridiculous grin when I see a picture of him. For some people, they felt that when they married and it faded. I married my husband because he was the only one who stayed by my side devotedly and helped me pick up the pieces when the AP broke my heart the first time when we were teenagers. I've never had that passion with my husband, and he knows that, and loves me anyway. We have a pretty good marriage, overall, it's just...largely platonic.

 

If I leave, just on my own, I will be even more alone and even more inside my head, with no idea where to go from there.

 

If I keep things as they are, I think the lows will keep getting lower and the highs will be fewer and further between. I do love my AP. I have since I was 16. And he loves me. But he loves his wife and family and kids and he has certainly decided they need to come first. And they do. I just don't have kids, my husband is emotionally absent, and for me the AP comes first. This imbalance is what is messing us up so badly.

 

I know the choice SHOULD be clear, but it's not to me. I can end it because "I deserve better," knowing that I won't get any better, and we can both hurt. I can wait for him to end it, as he will, probably soon, I'm seeing the usual signs, and then be miserable until he travels again and gets lonely and comes back, so the pain will be temporary, but will just keep coming and going. I can go off the deep end and tell his wife (she knows some of it, just not the extent of the A) and make him hate me, thereby ensuring that the NC will continue for much longer. All of the options are painful, though they say that me ending it is the one that has the most promise. Like you, though, I don't know how to get to where I want to. I don't. I hate how much it hurts, but the periods of NC have hurt so much more. Maybe because I knew they were not permanent. I knew he couldn't keep it up. He's getting better at it, though. And reaching some crossroads in his life (oldest kid just graduated HS) where I think he's really thinking about how much his family means to him and how impossible it is for me to fit into his life. Maybe the kind thing to do is for me to bow out so that he doesn't have to this time. Right now, I'm just trying to do it subtly, answering his texts briefly, being less flirty, staying quiet whenever he goes quiet. I hate it, but for now, it's what I can do.