**Update to "Another Wayward Wife

[calbguy]

Ok, I have been lurking since November of last year and so now I’d like to share my story

 

 

Here is the Cliff notes version

 

 

I am 43, she is 41. We have been married for 10 years, together for 14. We have 3 kids together and I raised her 17yr old.

 

 

About September of last year, I noticed that she was kind of distant, moody and more passive aggressive than usual. Middle of October, we had a talk and she gave me the “I love you but not in love with you” talk.

 

 

I found out November that she has been dating a MARRIED COP since December of 2013. They only see each other during the day when he has time but then he always has to be home by 7pm. They go to each other houses.

 

 

I’ve read many texts between her and her “man”. She is in love with him, wanting a future together. He makes plenty of promises but mainly just says “enough” to drag her along. He says he wants to be with her forever, but then says he can’t leave his wife because he will lose his house. Also, he has never made mention of wanting her AND her/my 4 kids.

 

 

My wife is total opposite of his wife. Mine is not that attractive, and is balding, not very good house keeper, or cook. She is also kind of bitchy. His wife is a beautiful blond with a PHD., and is an adjunct professor. I believe that he only likes my wife because she will do lots of kinky things sexually that I don’t think his wife will.

 

 

I believe that she is completely lost in the fog and fantasy. She is/has done things that are totally out of character for her. One is that she wants to quit her job and become his housewife and raise his daughter. Also, she got his initials tattooed on her finger (since removed/altered). I can tell you that after 15 years, she is not like this at all. And no, it isn’t that she just isn’t with me. She hates cooking and cleaning and she has always made it a point to say that no one should ever get a tattoo of any name or initials on their body.

 

 

I moved out in March of this year, she is still seeing him.

 

 

Here are some interesting items.

 

 

My wife/ex was molested continuously beginning when she was 9. She dealt with it by just compartmentalizing and giving in. She has never had a healthy relationship. Before me, she dated a married man for 4 years, from age 21 to 25. She tried to get him to leave his wife by getting pregnant, but he stayed with his wife.

 

 

As for me, she got soooo angry when she found out I started dating, to the point of saying things like "ok, if you want this to be over so bad, then we will just get a divorce". We are still on the same phone plan, so she can see who I call and text. She has called and Googled the phone numbers of the women I call and she also keeps Googling me. Oh, and she used to hack my email until I changed the password.

 

 

Recently, I found a letter on her computer to HIS wife. In this letter, she is pretending to be a neighbor and tells his wife that she saw her husband kissing a strange woman in front of his daughter. I believe that this is my wife/ex’s twisted way to get his wife to divorce him, so that she can be with him.

 

 

Is everyone confused yet? So is this a "grass is greener" syndrome, a cake and eat it, keeping me as a back up, or all of the above?

Edited August 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

[Clay]

Your wasting your time. I would start separating money and accounts. I would go talk to a lawyer about getting a divorce. She has already moved on and now she is just working on getting the other guys wife out of the way. You can expose her to the Other guys wife. I would if I was you. I would also contact the police department where he works and tell them. As long as you have been out and she has no problem doing it in front of you I doubt there is anything worth saving. You might want to but its clear she doesn't feel the same way.

 

C

[bubbaganoosh]

Hand her divorce papers and as a parting gift a can of Hair In A Can.

[qubist]

Poor lady she is lost for ever, trust me I'm not sarcastic I really feel bad for her. she will never find happiness, I don't know if what happened in her childhood affected her but she is a mess. don't get me wrong I'm not saying you should work your way back to her, It just ache my heart when I see lost people like her.

I think she had you on the shelve as a back up while fulfilling her fantasies, poor lady she doesn't know that MM never leave their wives for a side chick. she probably loves you but your role for right now is to be at the shelve waiting that's why she was upset you were dating. but that doesn't matter. for now you should get a D lawyer and start the process ASAP that would be a slap on her face that would wake her up that would be the best thing to do not just for you but for her too.

[autumnnight]

This is a woman who is very very broken. Her abuse IS a terrible thing, but unless she is willing to get help dealing with it and everything else - AKA intensive therapy - this cycle will continue.

 

This is not about a ONS or some drunken mistakes (which are also categorically WRONG). She has had 2 long term affair type relationships.

 

It is time for a 100% meant ultimatum, IMO. Filing for D.

[calbguy]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah, I know she is broken. I really think that she hasn't hit bottom yet. She is still believing that this guy will leave his wife and she will live happily ever after.

 

 

You know, I just thought of something. Maybe she is feeling that a relationship with this guy will fulfill everything that she thinks she is lacking in her life.

[DKT3]

Its time to move on. Divorce, take care of your kids and lost interest in her. Easy to say, harder to do.

[turnera]

Did you expose the affair?

[Chi townD]

Dude, if you moved out in march, time to stop living in limbo. You need to see a lawyer and serve her with divorce papers. Life is too short to have to deal with crap like this and we're not getting any younger. If she wants to chase after some asshat that won't commit to her, then that's her problem. But, you're putting your life on hold dealing with her BS.

 

 

You have kids together so you need to focus on being the best Dad you cn be to those kids, but you do not have to be her husband.

[calbguy]

I have not exposed the affair yet. My wife is planning on doing it; that way the OM will divorce his wife and my wife and OM can live happily ever after. That's what she is thinking.

 

 

Another emotional thing to add to our relationship, we lost a son about 7 years ago. Also, on about the same day, her dad had a severe stroke and almost died.

 

 

I have been in counseling and he has seen her also. My counselor said, basically, that she will return to the marriage once her affair ends. He said that he sees this all the time, but what he doesn't see is someone like me that sticks around that long.

[qubist]

I have not exposed the affair yet. My wife is planning on doing it; that way the OM will divgorce his wife and my wife and OM can live happily ever after. That's what she is thinking.

 

 

Another emotional thing to add to our relationship, we lost a son about 7 years ago. Also, on about the same day, her dad had a severe stroke and almost died.

 

 

I have been in counseling and he has seen her also. My counselor said, basically, that she will return to the marriage once her affair ends. He said that he sees this all the time, but what he doesn't see is someone like me that sticks around that long.

The counselor is right she will be dumped and will come running to you be sure of that, whether you will be there waiting will be determined. I can sense that you do want to wait for her don't you I have to warn you that it won't be easy it will demand lots of effort and energy, I will suggest you start your divorce process and expose her affair that would give her a slap in a face that she desperately needs

[drifter777]

You can't make sense out of nonsense so stop trying before it makes you crazy. She's sick and nothing you can do will help her get better. This is all up to her and she has a long, tough road ahead of her.

 

You need to take care of yourself and your children - that's job number one. Your kids need you to be there for them. Divorce is the only reasonable solution for that.

[calbguy]

qubist, I really don't know if I want to wait for her. I mean, I do love her and we have a history and we do have a lot of good times. I can forgive a lot; and I'll be honest and say that I was not the best husband. Lots of issues from both of us.

 

 

Like most people in this situation, there does come a time when a decision has to be made and it is difficult. I can forgive and I believe that a reconciled relationship would be stronger.

 

 

My wife is very damaged and I know I can't fix her. I do wish someone or something would knock some sense into her. Even her best friend tried to tell her that this thing with the cop is just fluff.

 

 

I do find it odd that in almost 2 years she has never introduced him to any of her friends or family.

Edited August 12, 2015 by calbguy

[qubist]

qubist, I really don't know if I want to wait for her. I mean, I do love her and we have a history and we do have a lot of good times. I can forgive a lot; and I'll be honest and say that I was not the best husband. Lots of issues from both of us.

 

 

Like most people in this situation, there does come a time when a decision has to be made and it is difficult. I can forgive and I believe that a reconciled relationship would be stronger.

 

 

My wife is very damaged and I know I can't fix her. I do wish someone or something would knock some sense into her. Even her best friend tried to tell her that this thing with the cop is just fluff.

 

 

I do find it odd that in almost 2 years she has never introduced him to any of her friends or family.

she hasn't introduced him because he has no desire to meet any of them he just want a side sex chick, she is a big time damaged and that's so bad I think you should help her out by ending you marriage that would expedite some reality checks to her that's all you can do

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife is total opposite of his wife. Mine is not that attractive, and is balding, not very good house keeper, or cook. She is also kind of bitchy. His wife is a beautiful blond with a PHD., and is an adjunct professor. I believe that he only likes my wife because she will do lots of kinky things sexually that I don’t think his wife will.

 

I think you're way too invested in this part of your separation. You should be thinking about your (and your kids) life, not hers. In your case, even if I had access to her phone/texts, wouldn't be interested in reading them. Her motives, plans, reasons and outcomes are all on her.

 

She's obviously moved on, you should too...

 

Mr. Lucky

[qubist]

No disrespect but why is this thread called " Another Wayward wife" there is no WW in this. I was misled by it it should be "another missed up wife that cheats with a another cheating MM while her husband is still holding on even after he started dating another woman"

[calbguy]

Lots of good advice here. I plan on filing and by doing so we will have to sell our house, which she doesn't want to do (oh well). Neither of us can buy-out the other. I'd love to have my kids full time and I can handle them. Right now, I see them Thursday and Friday nights, Saturday and return them Sunday night. All 3 of them want to be with me and on more than one occasion have said that they would rather live with me, even if it means seeing mommy little to none.

 

 

 

My question is: Is there some sort of script and plan that wayward wives follow?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It seems that most of the time: Wife cheats, falls in love with the other married guy, once wife realizes that other man only wants sex and won't leave his wife, wayward wife comes slinking back to bs. How often does this happen? I mean, all the cliché words were spoken, "Love you but not in love with you", etc.

[pteromom]

You know, I just thought of something. Maybe she is feeling that a relationship with this guy will fulfill everything that she thinks she is lacking in her life.

 

Of course.

 

She has built up a fantasy in her head of what her life would be like with him.

 

There is no way to compete with a fantasy.

 

So you gotta protect yourself and your children.

[pteromom]

It seems that most of the time: Wife cheats, falls in love with the other married guy, once wife realizes that other man only wants sex and won't leave his wife, wayward wife comes slinking back to bs. How often does this happen? I mean, all the cliché words were spoken, "Love you but not in love with you", etc.

 

Happens a lot (with husbands too.)

 

They cheat, enjoy the escape of an affair, find out that things aren't so rosy once the dust settles and the drudgery of daily life kicks in, and start missing what they had.

 

Happens a lot.

 

But should you count on it? No way.

 

You should proceed with divorce and selling the house. Let her live with the consequences of her choice.

 

A year down the road, if she comes back begging for another chance, and you feel like you want to give her one, you can start dating again, see a counselor together, take things slowly, and see where it goes.

 

But now - she is gone and you should let her go.

 

And don't put the children in the middle. Your job is to keep them feeling safe and secure and loved (by BOTH of their parents.)

[bigman1]

Ok, I am somewhat confused.

1. She's actively and openly cheating after you confronted her.

2. You moved out in MARCH!!

3. YOU are dating other people.

 

What exactly are you struggling with? This marriage is OVER. Forget all of her problems and calling her "broken". This thing is done. She's actively trying to end her AP's marriage to be with him.

 

I don't see what you are confused about. File for divorce and formalize what you are already living. This thing is not even on life support, its in the morgue waiting on someone to claim the body.

[qubist]

It seems that most of the time: Wife cheats, falls in love with the other married guy, once wife realizes that other man only wants sex and won't leave his wife, wayward wife comes slinking back to bs. How often does this happen? I mean, all the cliché words were spoken, "Love you but not in love with you", etc.

I don't have any precise stats but in the majority of cases once a wife leaves her husband for another Man ( weather married or not) and insist on it the BH rarely sticks around. but there are cases of WW who were able to gain their BH back in most of these cases WW immediately stop A and commits to R. in your case your Wife hasn't considered R at all she still wants the other guy. she must be in denial I bet. those cases are rare but they do exist in fact there are 2 active threads in this forum where BH stayed patient despite W repeated cheating. it takes a lot patience character and something else I can't explain for a BH whose wife still not committing to R to stay and hope she would get her mind right.

I don't know why are you asking, but if you consider R for whatever reason it would be a huge challenge, is it possible may be but be honest with your self she isn't considering R at all. and she won't till the cop tells her to get the hell out of his life,

[turnera]

Here's the bottom line - and it is borne out by thousands of other 'cases' just like yours - there's a script cheaters follow and a script betrayed spouses follow. Cheaters THRIVE in secrecy and affairs DIE under the spotlight.

 

So if you want her back, you must expose the affair to her VIPs - her important people whose respect she craves. Once THEY know, they will contact her and let her know they are unhappy, and she will rethink what she's doing.

 

That's not a guarantee but it IS the only chance you have of her ending it and getting her back.

 

And you NEVER let the cheater 'expose' the affair because THEY WILL LIE. She will tell her people that you were abusive, horrible, unloving, and this man was just a friend who SAVED her from you.

 

Call her VIPs today. She will be mad - that's good. That means she didn't want her VIPs to know she is cheating. Your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive another man in it. Call them. Not in vengeance - but informing them why you're separated, asking them for their help in getting her to see that she is in a 'fog' and not thinking clearly. Tell them that you just want the OM out of the picture and that, once he is, you want one chance to save the marriage, through counseling and whatever else it takes, and that if she STILL doesn't want to stay married (without the 'pull' of the OM in her ears), you will willingly walk away. Then step back and see what happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

It seems that most of the time: Wife cheats, falls in love with the other married guy, once wife realizes that other man only wants sex and won't leave his wife, wayward wife comes slinking back to bs.

 

Usually the WS returns because they have no other easily accessed solutions, you're the fallback plan. Don't confuse that with returning because they love you, miss you and can't live without you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

Expose the affair to the dirt bags wife, she deserves to know the truth. By withholding the information from her you become their accomplice. She's been banging this guy for two years, file, she's tainted.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I feel so bad for this woman. I feel bad what the OP is going through, but at this point, it's of his own doing. Being seperated, you don't have to be so tangled in her life.

 

All this woman has to look forward to is a guy who won't be with her in any meaningful way and another guy who may or may not want her, but who thinks she's ugly, balding, terrible at everything, and who asks the kids to make decisions about who they live with as an attempt to validate his wants and sneak another jab in on her.

 

Let her go. You're no better for her than the guy she's cheating with is. And vice versa. And why you'd want somebody back who you think is ugly, bald, terrible, and a crap mother is beyond me. The fact you sneak in there that she was molested from age 9 to what sounds like maturity as another of your gripes with her is utterly shocking.

 

I'd ask if this attitude was ever conveyed to her during your marriage and if that played a part in the decay of your marriage, but I suspect your answer will be that you treated this woman like a queen and never did her wrong...