**Update to "Another Wayward Wife

[S2B]

Have you filed for divorce yet? It needs to be you that takes charge of your life by taking the action to remove what's toxic from your life and that includes her.

 

I hope you will make yourself a priority. Your best interest is what's important.

 

She doesn't have you as a priority and your best interest in mind. It's better to remove her by filing.

 

Stay close with your kids.

[calbguy]

Again, itwasntme, thanks. I've always told her how beautiful she is and I've never berated her looks or abilities.

 

 

 

 

Now, so much has happened this weekend, so much drama. It all started on Friday when I got this message from her:

 

 

Hey, I don't want to talk now...but I'm going to need to later. This is if you don't mind. I'll be honest, I don't really want to talk...Can't...but text. Well, maybe talk but later.

 

 

I replied, "I'm here for you"

 

 

Her: ...ok, but you shouldn't be. But I'm trying to sort things out and its just more confusing..it would be easier if I could just make a decision and today I did and I'm ok with it.

 

 

I asked her what happened and she was very cryptic. She said a situation came up and she had a knee-jerk reaction and that reaction surprised her. Later that night, I get this text:

 

 

I was so unfair to you...I should have been honest. You deserved it..but I wasn't and I can't undo it. I can't forgive myself.

 

 

Sooo, we talked until 2am Friday and I got more of what happened. She told me that a month ago, she gave him a choice; her or his wife. Friday, he told her that he was separating from his wife so that they could be together. My ex basically said, whoa, whoa, not so fast. This isn't what she wanted. She told him that she really wasn't ready to go forward at this time because she was still hung up on me and she really didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at this time.

 

 

That was her knee-jerk reaction; that when the time came she didn't want it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I replied, "I'm here for you"

 

With all due respect, you shouldn't be.

 

You should be here for you. Not sure how else your W could prove she neither cares about you nor has your interests at heart. And now you're offering her a shoulder to cry on over the difficulties with her OM? As he dumps his wife?

 

Firmly in the category of two steps back...

 

Mr. Lucky

[qubist]

Sooo, we talked until 2am Friday and I got more of what happened. She told me that a month ago, she gave him a choice; her or his wife. Friday, he told her that he was separating from his wife so that they could be together. My ex basically said, whoa, whoa, not so fast. This isn't what she wanted. She told him that she really wasn't ready to go forward at this time because she was still hung up on me and she really didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at this time.

 

 

That was her knee-jerk reaction; that when the time came she didn't want it.

BE CAREFUL, how you know for sure that she isn't lying again? I find it hard to believe that after he finally chose her over his wife and after long waiting she is all of the sudden not ready for it. I would think that he told her the opposite, like most cheating MM, he told her he was staying with his wife and that was her knee-jerk reality shock.

don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that reconciliation is not possible, i blieve it is if it's honest, and just want to warn that you must be sure she is honest and this is not one of her many lies

[calbguy]

We talked about the situation a lot. Basically, she put him in limbo. She said he was fine with that and that she should take all the time she needs to decide.

 

So both of us are in limbo to her.

 

Interesting enough, she admitted that she still hasn't let me go yet. I went to her place on Saturday for some kid issues and was there until late. We both admitted that we had a nice time being with each other. She also said some things like we are better friends now then ever and she doesn't want to lose me. She also said that she likes me more now then ever but is nervous about the thought of us trying again because she doesn't want to hurt me again.

 

Sunday I had the kids and she called up and asked if she could come over and hang out because it was hot. Weird, since I don't have air conditioning and she has never done that before. Anyway, she came over and I cooked dinner (had to feed the kids anyway). We sat, and watched tv for a couple of hours and we were real comfortable with each other.

 

She had a knot in her shoulder so I offered to rub it out and she said that she didn't have any underwear on????? From then on, the night got weirder. She was asking me about the woman I'm seeing. All sorts of odd questions. I only answered some of the innocent ones. She went home and started texting me again around 10 pm.

 

Again she admitted that she was confused about what/who she wanted in life and again she started asking questions about the women I dated. I asked her why does she want to know all that, and she said that she was confused about whether or not she is jealous. Finally, she admitted that she has CHECKED MY MATTRESS FOR STAINS!!!!

 

It was getting late so we said our goodbye's and she ended it with "this was nice....talking...

 

 

*Kid issues was that the kids had lice. I went over and we treated everyone and cleaned. I told her that she needed to tell him that she had lice so that he could treat himself. I wonder how that went.

Edited August 17, 2015 by calbguy

[Chi townD]

 

 

Sooo, we talked until 2am Friday and I got more of what happened. She told me that a month ago, she gave him a choice; her or his wife. Friday, he told her that he was separating from his wife so that they could be together. My ex basically said, whoa, whoa, not so fast. This isn't what she wanted. She told him that she really wasn't ready to go forward at this time because she was still hung up on me and she really didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at this time.

 

 

That was her knee-jerk reaction; that when the time came she didn't want it.

 

Yeah....uh huh... Not buying it. Of course, this is what SHE'S been telling you what happened. But, I wouldn't believe it. Chances are this guy went running back to his wife and kicked her to the curb. Now she's probably got the "Well, screw all of you! I don't need any of you" attitude.

 

 

By running back to you would have proved that you were right all along. And, as we all know, a woman is NEVER wrong. She might be mistaken, but never wrong.

[qubist]

We talked about the situation a lot. Basically, she put him in limbo. She said he was fine with that and that she should take all the time she needs to decide.

 

So both of us are in limbo to her.

 

Interesting enough, she admitted that she still hasn't let me go yet. I went to her place on Saturday for some kid issues and was there until late. We both admitted that we had a nice time being with each other. She also said some things like we are better friends now then ever and she doesn't want to lose me. She also said that she likes me more now then ever but is nervous about the thought of us trying again because she doesn't want to hurt me again.

 

Sunday I had the kids and she called up and asked if she could come over and hang out because it was hot. Weird, since I don't have air conditioning and she has never done that before. Anyway, she came over and I cooked dinner (had to feed the kids anyway). We sat, and watched tv for a couple of hours and we were real comfortable with each other.

 

She had a knot in her shoulder so I offered to rub it out and she said that she didn't have any underwear on????? From then on, the night got weirder. She was asking me about the woman I'm seeing. All sorts of odd questions. I only answered some of the innocent ones. She went home and started texting me again around 10 pm.

 

Again she admitted that she was confused about what/who she wanted in life and again she started asking questions about the women I dated. I asked her why does she want to know all that, and she said that she was confused about whether or not she is jealous. Finally, she admitted that she has CHECKED MY MATTRESS FOR STAINS!!!!

 

It was getting late so we said our goodbye's and she ended it with "this was nice....talking...

 

 

*Kid issues was that the kids had lice. I went over and we treated everyone and cleaned. I told her that she needed to tell him that she had lice so that he could treat himself. I wonder how that went.

just be careful, IF you decide to go back and reconcile ( ans I can sense that's what you want) you need to make sure that she is really remorseful not because the OM kicked her out. just last Friday she wasn't sure and was confused then after the OM supposedly said he wanted her all the sudden she doesn't just want you she is jealous too. if you ignore the red flags things won't work. I'm one who believe that R after an A is possible but there is a define route to achieve it

[calbguy]

Chi townD. That is one of my thoughts, lol. She is ending up nothing more to him than a lay and a side chick, so she is spinning it like she made the choice.

 

 

I will say that I've read most if not all of their texts since September of last year and he does not seem like the kind of guy that would leave his wife and definitely not for my ex. If anything, he would leave his wife to be single and keep my ex as a side chick.

[turnera]

Dude, as weak as you're acting, the ONLY reason she's even thinking about you, let alone spending time with you, is because you're now seeing other women. Trust me. She doesn't want you - she wants sexy and dangerous. What she DOES want is for you to sit by the phone and wait for her to choose you - NOT go out with other women.

[Cephalopod]

Do you like being her second choice? Why would you accept such bad treatment? I don't get it.

[Mr. Lucky]

So both of us are in limbo to her.

 

Here's what will happen - you'll take her back amidst promises of recommitment to you and your marriage. They'll be half-hearted on her part but you'll believe them because you want to. After a while, you'll notice she's acting funny, distant, strange.

 

And then you'll get to go through this all over gain. I'd think once would be enough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TX-SC]

Dude, no! Just, NO!

 

Yiu should be in charge of this situation. Don't let her weasel her sorry ass back into your life. Not now, not EVER! Don't even talk to her about who you dated.

[bubbaganoosh]

Man you talk about bad luck. All this crap with her and now have to worry about a case of the cooties.

[calbguy]

I appreciate the feedback and advice from everyone. I guess what is striking is that everyone has said that she will "return" or will come running back to me. I've heard this before and I think that is why I started this thread. It seems that this is almost a forgone conclusion in situations like this.

 

 

I really don't know what I would do. Honestly, I can't go back with her to the way things used to be. As many of you pointed out, she would more than likely do this same stuff again. That is something that I don't want to live through. If I decide to accept her, I know that we both, and her especially, have a lot of work to do.

 

 

As I understand my future with her, at some time, she will "come back" but then it will be up to me to take her back or not. If she doesn't change, then there is no way I can go forward with her.

[Mr. Lucky]

If I decide to accept her, I know that we both, and her especially, have a lot of work to do.

 

Has she done anything - anything? - to this point that makes you feel she's capable of making that effort?

 

Mr. Lucky

[calbguy]

Has she done anything - anything? - to this point that makes you feel she's capable of making that effort?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

Actually, yes, she has. She has attended some IC, and we are talking a lot more now. Also, and not a small thing, she is feeling her emotions. What I mean by that is when she gets upset, mad, happy or whatever, she is allowing herself to experience these emotions and addresses them when necessary. Before, when she had a negative problem or emotion, she would ignore it and bury it. She no longer internalizes everything. In fact it seems that she is not person that I knew, which is a good thing .

 

 

When we were together and had a disagreement, all of her communication was blaming me and defending herself. Now she is taking blame when it is due and discussing problems. There are lots of other changes that she has gone through and some that she continues to go through.

[qubist]

 

I really don't know what I would do. Honestly, I can't go back with her to the way things used to be. As many of you pointed out, she would more than likely do this same stuff again. That is something that I don't want to live through. If I decide to accept her, I know that we both, and her especially, have a lot of work to do.

.

I feel your pain my friend, it's easy for us to type and tell you do x,y or z, but the reality it is you who would face any consequences,

One thing I can tell you for sure there is not an easy way out of this, whatever decision you will make will require some sacrifice and pain,

I'm not going to suggest what you should do but before you do anything make sure you are feeling good first, no need to rush to any decision yet, take all your time. go to MC, BTW MC is not necessary a way to get you back together but it will help understand yourself within what went wrong in you M you will also see her point of what went wrong. Who knows what would happen. If you decide to stay together you will be at better position to maintain your ,relationship while if you decided it won't work it will be still benefitial to know the flaws of you R. Remember if you decide today that there is no need for all the hustle and left her no one can blame you. Just do not doo it out of anger or retaliation

[turnera]

I appreciate the feedback and advice from everyone. I guess what is striking is that everyone has said that she will "return" or will come running back to me. I've heard this before and I think that is why I started this thread. It seems that this is almost a forgone conclusion in situations like this.

No, it's not a forgone conclusion. And I didn't say she'd come back to you. I just said she'd WANT you once you start dating other women. She can want you without wanting the marriage you had. She wants both of you. Or more.

[spanz1]

a talk and she gave me the “I love you but not in love with you” talk.

 

 

My wife is total opposite of his wife. Mine is not that attractive, and is balding, not very good house keeper, or cook. She is also kind of bitchy. His wife is a beautiful blond with a PHD., and is an adjunct professor. I believe that he only likes my wife because she will do lots of kinky things sexually that I don’t think his wife will.

 

 

 

first is there some sort of cheating woman's bible, where the first commandment is: tell him you love him but are not in love with him!

 

 

what an excellent way to screw a guy's mind up.

 

 

second, is there ANY way you can call this guy up and just swap wives with him? Sounds like his wife is a champ, and your's is a scuz. offer to throw in a car or boat or something to sweeten the deal....

[calbguy]

I feel your pain my friend, it's easy for us to type and tell you do x,y or z, but the reality it is you who would face any consequences,

One thing I can tell you for sure there is not an easy way out of this, whatever decision you will make will require some sacrifice and pain,

I'm not going to suggest what you should do but before you do anything make sure you are feeling good first, no need to rush to any decision yet, take all your time. go to MC, BTW MC is not necessary a way to get you back together but it will help understand yourself within what went wrong in you M you will also see her point of what went wrong. Who knows what would happen. If you decide to stay together you will be at better position to maintain your ,relationship while if you decided it won't work it will be still benefitial to know the flaws of you R. Remember if you decide today that there is no need for all the hustle and left her no one can blame you. Just do not doo it out of anger or retaliation

 

 

 

qubist, this is the most powerful and accurate statement that I have ever read. My ex doesn't understand or believe that we have split everything if/when we legally divorce. She thinks that she gets the house and we both go our merry way. She may be looking into buying her own house using her teacher benefits, so if she does that, I guess I will own half of 2 houses lol.

 

 

As I said, everyone familiar with the situation says that she will give our relationship another shot, including our counselor. He pretty much straight out said that she will. Now, the question is, will I want her back. I honestly don't know; she would have to change a lot. I know my worth but I want to spend it on someone that would value it. IF we both try again, then I am sure that our relationship will be better for it.

[aliveagain]

qubist, this is the most powerful and accurate statement that I have ever read. My ex doesn't understand or believe that we have split everything if/when we legally divorce. She thinks that she gets the house and we both go our merry way. She may be looking into buying her own house using her teacher benefits, so if she does that, I guess I will own half of 2 houses lol.

 

 

As I said, everyone familiar with the situation says that she will give our relationship another shot, including our counselor. He pretty much straight out said that she will. Now, the question is, will I want her back. I honestly don't know; she would have to change a lot. I know my worth but I want to spend it on someone that would value it. IF we both try again, then I am sure that our relationship will be better for it.

 

The other part of this is how will you deal with the imbalance created(the white elephant that will always be in the room)because of her falling in love with another man and leaving you for him? What does giving it another shot really mean, coming back to see which grass is really greener? See if she can fall in love with you again? Your decision should be based on "am I happier, am I better off on my own then back with her?" These questions need to be answered honestly and without any major compromise's by you. Life is about happiness, can you find that with her again? As a man, can you get over the fact another man marked your territory?

[qubist]

As I said, everyone familiar with the situation says that she will give our relationship another shot, including our counselor. He pretty much straight out said that she will. Now, the question is, will I want her back. I honestly don't know; she would have to change a lot. I know my worth but I want to spend it on someone that would value it. IF we both try again, then I am sure that our relationship will be better for it.

like I said before this is something you will have to decide. the only thing I can tell you is to no rush into a decision yet. do not disregard any possibility.

you could end it all today and file for divorce, that's what the majority of LS would suggest just because for many of us here infidelity is such a red line that if crossed there would be no way back. , personally I do not believe that. I think every situation is different, I do believe that a person can overcome the pain of the deception and move on. your wife made some bad choices which reflects her personality flaws but it might also be a result of more than her flaws. I would have explored every possibility and investigate more to see what went wrong

facts are:

1- leaving her today will not immediately make cove with the pain.

2- ignoring everything and just get back together like nothing happen will no help either.

3- no matter what you do you will never change the fact that she cheated, the only thing you are trying to do is to prevent that from hurting you.

the fact that your counselor was sure she would want to give a second shot tells me that he understand that she is confused about the whole A, I would give it a shot before I pull the plug, if It doesn't work at least I will be satisfied that I tried and won't have any regrets and My kids will be proud of my efforts. but again this just me.I wish you all the good luck as you seem to be a good man.

[calbguy]

Again, these past few days she has been very nice and open towards me. She will call and text me almost every day and we stay up late some nights texting. Sometimes she is just texting to say hello.

 

 

She is more talkative about her work and is showing more interest in mine.

This past Friday, she came over to catch up on some shows that I have on DVR and afterwards, she initiated sex with me. All the while saying how only I know how to make her feel this good, she hasn't felt this way in a while, etc.

 

 

What I believe happened was that a week ago, she was spending some quality time with her boy when his wife called. He scurried out the door to run home to his wife leaving mine high and dry. My wife, stbx or whatever, didn't like that and realized exactly what she means to him so she is boomeranging back to me to get the attention.

 

 

I guess we will see what happens when her boy starts getting a little horny and then pays her enough attention to avoid loosing her.

[qubist]

Calbguy: looks like your wife is still putting you on the shelf while she is exploring the other option which we've seen many time here in LS and other infidelity stories I read about. While I respect your commitment I have to remind you of 2 things I learned from previous similar stories,

1- reconciliation only works if it is from both sides,

2- your wife might be confused and won't make that decision unless you or OM leave her for good.

I suggest you act upon it and " help her out" to move one she needs a slap on her face to wake up from her fog

Your options are clear

1-leave her now and process the D. no need to explain anything she knows what she did.

2- give her an ultimatum ask to talk to her in a quite place and simply explain that you are vining her the last call either to end A completely and vomit to all what it will take to repair your M or you are out now

3- which is what you are doing right now stay until something happen which may last forever, or if OM drop her for good she will come back to you except R will be much harder you will struggle because you will doubt her recourse and you will be extremely hard to get over it

[calbguy]

I forgot to add that last night, she made it a point to tell me that she was going to wear her wedding rings today.