**Update to "Another Wayward Wife

[JS84]

And you're still with her because....??

[Radu]

I missed the beginning of this thread, so i'll just like to add a few things.

I have been in counseling and he has seen her also. My counselor said, basically, that she will return to the marriage once her affair ends. He said that he sees this all the time, but what he doesn't see is someone like me that sticks around that long.

I think your counselor used the wrong words here, because in the latter part of this statement it is implied some fault.

There is no fault and they do in fact return.

A hint at this is her obsession at stalking your life, making sure other women do not interfere.

You are the backup (instinctively thought out) while she is out there doing her fun.

As long as you still hold out hope, she knows she can return to you, soon after doing some form of light penitence walk (at most).

 

Happens a lot (with husbands too.)

 

They cheat, enjoy the escape of an affair, find out that things aren't so rosy once the dust settles and the drudgery of daily life kicks in, and start missing what they had.

 

Happens a lot.

 

But should you count on it? No way.

 

You should proceed with divorce and selling the house. Let her live with the consequences of her choice.

 

A year down the road, if she comes back begging for another chance, and you feel like you want to give her one, you can start dating again, see a counselor together, take things slowly, and see where it goes.

 

But now - she is gone and you should let her go.

 

And don't put the children in the middle. Your job is to keep them feeling safe and secure and loved (by BOTH of their parents.)

A few things, pteromon is right, you shouldn't count on it.

There are 2 other problems that come to mind :

1 - this is the kind of thing that forms the kids, shapes them .... they need to see consequences of breaking up a relationship, cheating, etc ... so that they don't repeat their mom's mistakes.

If you easily give in, you set a very bad example to them.

2 - be wary of counselors. You have to think to whom the counselor is loyal to. If you do marriage counseling, he is loyal to your marriage, and then there are 2 schools of thought, the one with the problem must get over it (you) or the one with the problem must fix his problem (her).

She needs to do counseling but what happened to her is something she doesn't want to relive, you cannot force her to actually engage and do the work needed to hopefully become a better person.

That means that she will go there, but will do the barely minimum because deep down she doesn't feel like she hit rock bottom or in other words is desperate enough.

If you fall for this, she will drag you down with her, and you will lose another 10yrs, before she fantasizes again with some other dude.

[Radu]

 

Interesting things to note:

- While she was in the hospital, WS introduces me as her husband to everyone. She has very rarely called me her husband in 15 years.

- She introduced me to her co-workers last Friday. This, after her working there for 2 years.

- During the month of May, I have seen her or slept in the same bed with her all but 2 or 3 days.

- She thanked me for taking care of her and said it was nice that she can depend on me.

- The past week, she has seemed “down”, kind of sad. I think she misses him. LOL.

 

So that's what been going on with me!

 

She was feeling vulnerable and needed to be taken care off, so she slipped you into that role from the backburner.

She is keeping you in limbo and you are dancing to her tune.

 

The proper thing to do was to have said after she introduced you as her husband 'for a few more months at least'.

[road]

Your wasting your time. I would start separating money and accounts. I would go talk to a lawyer about getting a divorce. She has already moved on and now she is just working on getting the other guys wife out of the way. You can expose her to the Other guys wife. I would if I was you. I would also contact the police department where he works and tell them. As long as you have been out and she has no problem doing it in front of you I doubt there is anything worth saving. You might want to but its clear she doesn't feel the same way.

 

C

 

 

Usually I support fighting an affair and recovering a marriage. Your story leads me to say do as the above. Separate all assets, phone plan, divorce. Then go find a good woman.

[bigman1]

You need help. Your update is pitiful. I think that you have such severe self esteem problems that this is fine for you. Perhaps you enjoy being treated like this. I cannot imagine anyone who rejoices at being publicly called "husband" after years.

 

If your story is real, then you need help. I mean don't even leave her because you can't. Just get some counseling. As you improve, you will realize that you need to end this farce. Don't buy any books. You need an actual live person who can speak to you, give you plans of action and hold you accountable. No drowning man ever rescued himself.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think the OP is just wasting the time of everyone on this forum by going on about the drama in his life. It seems to me that he and his wife deserve each other since he seems too pussy footed to do anything to change his situation. In fact I seriously doubt that he wants to change anything and is content with the status quo. People who come to this board with stories of infidelity whether as BS but even sometimes as the WS show that they are suffering pain, an awful lot of it. The OP on yhe other hand seems quite cool and accepting of his situation with no indication that he is under stress or suffering from any kind of emotional trauma from the antics that his wife is upto. She, on the other hand, is quite brazen about her affair, conducting it almost in his face, tongue in cheek, and daring him to do anything about it. Of course he is not going to lift a little finger to do anything.

My point is that some people just come to this board to wallow in the sympathy offered by other people and get some sort of masochistic pleasure in the situation they find themselves in. The OP has been given sterling advice over the last six to seven months that he has been posting here but he has done nothing to change his situation. I think there is no point in advising him any further as it is all water on duck's back and a lot of wasted effort on the part of the good folk here. He is nrsy left to his own devices to sort out things IF he wants to do so. I'm sorry but I feel we are all flogging a dead horse here. Warm wishes to all.

[merrmeade]

Hi everyone. It's been a while since I started my thread "Another Wayward Wife. I thought I would give an update, sorry it is so long. So, since August:

 

- In Late October, “someone” created a fake gmail account and sent OM’s wife a nice little note detailing everything that her husband has been doing.

- OM and WS can't figure out who sent it. She asked me and I denied it.

- My WS then created a fake yahoo and LinkedIn account to mimic the sender that originally informed OM’s wife.

- My WS, under the false name, sent more incriminating stuff to his wife, as well as “WS” phone number so that the OM’s wife would call and confront WS.

- Stuff hit the fan for him; his wife left and took their baby to another state.

 

This is what my WS was wanting; for his wife to leave him so that he could be a single man. My WS didn’t realize that OM never really wanted her for a relationship.

 

- Apparently, the OM broke down and was begging his wife not to leave him. Wife returned to the state and moved out anyway and I think gives him their baby for weekend visits.

- My WS and OM’s affair went under ground until they had a “talk” in December. It seems OM said something like, “I need time to work things out”.

- They went NC until February when my WS texted him. They hooked up a couple of days later.

- Apparently, he no longer tells my WS “I love you” and he asked her not to say it to him. I guess true love never has to be expressed.

- They hooked up again in March. From then on, they would call each other at night and talk for about 30 – 45 mins. No more “I love you” from him.

- OM tells WS in March that his wife filed for divorce. (I'm sure he lied to her. I've searched the county's court and could not find any records. Yes, they are available.)

 

- My WS took my kids on a vacation at end of March. OM was trying to plan something with my WS during the same time. He missed out.

- When WS got back, her and OM hooked up and also tried to plan a Sunday hookup. He stood her up. Lol.

- WS was not happy and told him so. He said that he was in a “weird mood” and that why he didn’t call her or anything.

- The next day, he emails her: "It’s just extremely frustrating that when I need you, you can be here”.

 

- Later that week, the OM’s wife starts getting harassing text’s from a stranger. This goes on for days. I see that it is my WS, using an app that hides her phone number.

- OM's wife gets a text from the "app tech support" that points directly to my WS as the person that is sending the texts. Lol

- OM calls my WS and says his wife is going to her lawyer and using those texts as ammo to get a restraining order to get full custody of their kid. OM not happy.

- Contact between OM and my WS drops off considerably.

- They have a hook up the May 4.

- WS emails him twice on the 5th. No response; no emails, calls or texts.

 

- WS goes on a trip with her mother, returns on the 8th. WS emails OM on the 9th. No response, nothing from him.

- My WS gets really sick and spends the 11th – 15th in the hospital. She never gets sick; this is serious.

 

- WS emails OM EARLY on the 12th, to say she is in hospital.

- He calls on the 13th and they talk for 15 mins.

- He calls again on the 14th and they talk for 20mins.

- WS get out of hospital on the 15th. I pick her up and take her home.

- OM never visits her, sends her flowers or anything. Again, true love?

- I spent all night with WS in the ER on the 11th and would spend hours visiting her each day. I am also taking care of the kids.

 

- WS emails him on the 16 to say she’s out of the hospital. No response from him, no calls, emails or texts.

- WS emails him again on the 20th. Still nothing from him!

- Previously, they would text each other roughly 2,000 - 3,000 times each month, and meet up at least twice a week. Now, no contact from him in 12 days.

 

Interesting things to note:

- While she was in the hospital, WS introduces me as her husband to everyone. She has very rarely called me her husband in 15 years.

- She introduced me to her co-workers last Friday. This, after her working there for 2 years.

- During the month of May, I have seen her or slept in the same bed with her all but 2 or 3 days.

- She thanked me for taking care of her and said it was nice that she can depend on me.

- The past week, she has seemed “down”, kind of sad. I think she misses him. LOL.

 

So that's what been going on with me!

So what I'm trying to get a handle on is your position while all this was playing out since August and how you know all this information. Are you living together and monitoring all this behavior or is she telling you? Either way it's bizarre that you would go on this long watching like a masochistic voyeur. And "lol" on announcing that your wife sends harassing emails to her OM's wife or that you think "she misses him"? LOL?? That's really effed up.

 

I don't get it either except that maybe you're hanging on to the therapist's prediction she'll wind down eventually and come home, wagging her tail behind her - a little. Maybe.

 

Yeah, I also agree with recommendations to get a new therapist — one that understands the dynamics of infidelity and betrayal in a marriage or, better even, encourages exclusivity and accountability in marriage.

[Try]

Interesting things to note:

- While she was in the hospital, WS introduces me as her husband to everyone. She has very rarely called me her husband in 15 years.

- She introduced me to her co-workers last Friday. This, after her working there for 2 years.

- During the month of May, I have seen her or slept in the same bed with her all but 2 or 3 days.

- She thanked me for taking care of her and said it was nice that she can depend on me.

- The past week, she has seemed “down”, kind of sad. I think she misses him. LOL.

You left a few of the most "Interesting things to note".

- You knew that you wife was regularly sleeping with her affair partner for all this time, and did nothing about it.

- You stood by as your wife chased after this affair partner for all this time and, did nothing about it.

- You watched as she deliberately did everything that she could to get her affair partner's wife to leave him so that she could leave you for her affair partner, and did nothing about it.

- When the affair partner told your wife that he did not love her and wanted her to stop saying that she loved him because he considered her nothing more than a f*ck buddy, your response was to laugh and do thing about it.

 

Dude, that is just sick. You need metal help that you are not currently getting from the person that you are seeing now.