The Confession of Sinful thoughts....

[SunnySG]

Well, last night my husband and I sat down and we "discussed" what has been going on in our relationship - but

more importantly, in my brain. (See: "Married - Lusting after another"... yeah, that's me)

Anyways, there was a lot of emotion from him, and several natural events occured.

 

1.) First, he stormed out of the house and left for about an hour.

2.) After he comes home, he went up to his office to ignore me and refused to look at me.

3.) He emailed me from his office (I was down on my laptop) for clarification of the situation.

4.) This set of another tyraid.

5.) We talked for 2 hours in the living room, where he went from talking quietly to yelling. Back and forth, etc. He called me a liar, and other nasty names.

6.) It got late, so he went upstairs. I followed shortly, where we climbed into bed. He kept talking in the dark, and as details of my behavior became aparent to him, he kept saying things like, "Oh my GOD, I am an idiot." I have never felt so low. He believes me when I say nothing physicl happened, but he is disgusted by the fact that I am emotionally not there for him. Then he demands to know the name of this man I think about, but I can't can't make myself tell him, which makes things WORSE. My husband hit every nail on the head and I was amazed at his insight and couldn't believe he knows me so well.

He woke up this morning and there was blood all over his pillow from a nose bleed during the night.

 

So that's what happend at my house last night. I feel sick because the whole time he is being miserable, I still didn't feel the guilt that I expected. He is at work now so I don't know what's going to happen tonight. My mom says I'm self-destructive, and I am starting to believe her because I don't - and have never - gotten emotionally attached to anyone. My husband was pissed that I fantasize about this other man when for the duration of our relationship, I am not a hugger, a kisser, etc. But I want to go have sex with someone else. This hurts him the most.

 

Then I asked - "Will you go to counseling with me?"

He anwers - "Hell no, I'm fine. You're the one with the problem."

I say - "This is our problem."

He says - "No, I'm not going."

 

So that's where we're at.

[cranium]

originally posted by Marshbear in your other thread: If you tell him and he still turns his back on the marriage then he is a selfish pig and you need to see a lawyer... Most H's will turn around if he really loves you and the threat of losing you is thrust upon him. If he doesn't love you enough to save the marriage then you have your answer....

 

I applaud you for starting the dialogue. Of course he is going to feel

disgusted by the fact that I am emotionally not there for him.

Doesn't appear to me that he has been that emotionally available to you, either.

 

MW wanting to have sex with someone else hurt me also. MW physically having sex with someone else hurts a whole lot more.

 

How long have you two been married? Don't give up on the MC (marriage counseling) discussions yet; go yourself if he won't.

[whichwayisup]

I think he has every right to feel what he feels. Don't deny him that right. Also, come clean. Tell him who this OM is. Don't hold back anything he wants to know.

 

You said something which surprised me.

 

My husband hit every nail on the head and I was amazed at his insight and couldn't believe he knows me so well.

 

You had NO CLUE your husband knew you so well. Maybe you don't know him as well as you thought.

 

So that's what happend at my house last night. I feel sick because the whole time he is being miserable, I still didn't feel the guilt that I expected. He is at work now so I don't know what's going to happen tonight. My mom says I'm self-destructive, and I am starting to believe her because I don't - and have never - gotten emotionally attached to anyone. My husband was pissed that I fantasize about this other man when for the duration of our relationship, I am not a hugger, a kisser, etc. But I want to go have sex with someone else. This hurts him the most.

 

Then I asked - "Will you go to counseling with me?"

He anwers - "Hell no, I'm fine. You're the one with the problem."

I say - "This is our problem."

He says - "No, I'm not going."

 

So, you go to one on one therapy. You may have issues, obviously you do since you can't seem to get emotionally attached to anyone. That could be childhood past, or something else. Either way, YOU have to allow him the time, alot of time to grieve. Right now he's upset, mad, devastated, feeling insecure. You rocked his world, turned it upside. Nothing make sense to him right now. All that trust he had for you is out the window. Give him time to digest this. To ask him so fast to go to MC is alot to ask.

 

Ofcourse you wanting to have sex with someone else other than him is going to hurt him. Ofcourse he is going to be pissed off that you've been fantisizing about someone else during your marriage.

 

SO, try to give him space. Figure out if you want to be married to him. He isn't going to stick around and try if you're not willing to give up those wandering thoughts. If you aren't willing to change and PUT HIM FIRST why should he consider MC to fix things?

 

Good luck either way, I'm sure this is hard. Good that you told him because living a lie is just unfair. Now atleast he isn't in the dark, and can decide what is best for him.

[SunnySG]

I am not sure what voids in my marriage led to my thoughts "g oing astray."

Surely constant wondering about extramarital affairs isn't normal behavior.

I am not sure if it's because I don't love my husband or if it's because I am fanciful and a daydreamer.

 

When he left after our initial discussion, I cried for about 5 mintues than went to bath the dog, and hang clothes up on the laudry line.

Who does that? Am I just cold and unfeeling? I'm am very similar to 'Bree' from Desperate Housewives.

And I am 27 years old.

 

When I told my husband I knew these illicit thoughts were self-destructive, he got mad and said that didn't get him much credit - I may as well tell him to his face I think he's an idiot.

Which means he's feeling all the things you mentioned - hurt, angry, betrayed - among other things.

 

Honestly, I believe when my husband comes home that he will act like it's another day. Like we didn't talk. His behavior will be the same as any other day.

He will grab my a** when he walks by (even though I don't like it), make idle chit chat, behave like there isn't a deeper problem.

 

So I am going to have to bring it up again, possibly making things even worse than they were last night so that we can work on the problem.

He's going to get pissed I keep bringing it up.

I am going to fall back into the same pattern.

 

Classic. Classic. Classic - US.

The one thing I can depend on in my relationship.

[westernxer]

Tell him you're going to need his support or else it's not going to work out. Of course he's angry and stubborn (which you already mentioned), but he needs to swallow his pride and take one for the team, otherwise your marriage is history. Not a question of who's at fault, but more to do with who's willing to go out of their way to make things work.

 

Hopefully he'll cool down... some men are VERY stubborn, and it only gets worse with age.

[ConfusedInOC]

That was the right thing to do.

 

Communication and lots of it is one of keys to a healthy relationship.

 

I applaud you both.

[Isabelle]

Originally posted by SunnySG

I am not sure what voids in my marriage led to my thoughts "g oing astray."

Surely constant wondering about extramarital affairs isn't normal behavior.

I am not sure if it's because I don't love my husband or if it's because I am fanciful and a daydreamer.

 

When he left after our initial discussion, I cried for about 5 mintues than went to bath the dog, and hang clothes up on the laudry line.

Who does that? Am I just cold and unfeeling? I'm am very similar to 'Bree' from Desperate Housewives.

And I am 27 years old.

 

You're not cold and unfeeling... he probably hasn't been emotionally available to you. There was something wrong already or you wouldn't feel this way.

 

Honestly, I believe when my husband comes home that he will act like it's another day. Like we didn't talk. His behavior will be the same as any other day.

He will grab my a** when he walks by (even though I don't like it), make idle chit chat, behave like there isn't a deeper problem.

 

Mine does that kind of thing too, and I hate it. I call myself his "walking blow-up doll" and "personal piece of a**". He gets defensive about that, saying it's just one part of a complete relationship. I feel like I am being cheapened and marginalized. And I hate the way they try to ignore the problems... until we bring them up.

 

Keep working... he may have needed some time to cool down after what you told him... but it isn't just your problem. He has contributed to it by not being the partner you need (most likely).

 

I have told mine as much... I've told him for years that I sometimes wished I was with other guys (more for emotional than sexual reasons) and he seemed sad, promised to work on our relationship, and never really changed anything. I told him that I couldn't get turned on anymore being with him and made up fantasies about imaginary guys... yes, while we were in bed together... and that doesn't even seem to bother him that much. (Always looks hurt, makes me comfort him, never changes anything long-term.) He says he would never have fantasies about anyone else himself, that he really is thinking about me. Finally, recently, I told him that I was starting to picture actual (real-life) other guys there. (This is only after I started getting semi-physically involved with a real-life other guy, though. Which I allowed to happen because I felt that my marriage was already gone at that point.) Anyway, he knows I have feelings for other people... I have not been specific about the details. I told him that my heart had belonged to several other people over the years, though I had not done anything about it. (true) I think he knows things have just gotten worse lately, though he doesn't know exactly what I did. I wonder if he would get mad. I feel like it would be betraying the other guy to tell my husband what we were up to.

 

Anyway, I said all this because at least your husband had a strong reaction; that means that at least he cares and realizes how serious this is (we hope). There may be hope. If mine is all that upset, he keeps it to himself, but he doesn't want us to break up, no matter how strongly I suggest that we do.

[SunnySG]

Well, it's 11:00 pm on Thursday night and we seem to be at an impass.

 

Earlier today I predicted that when I came home from work tonight that things would be "the same" in his eyes.

Boy was I right.

When I walked in the door the first thing he says to me is "Do you wanna do it?"

I was slack jawed and SO ANNOYED. I said something like, "That's just a band-aid to a bigger problem." Then he played it off like a joke. Why would he want to have sex with ME?

So he goes to his cave and after stomping around like a teenager for what seemed like forever, he finally comes downstairs to join me.

 

I broach the topic - once again - of counseling. And since we're financially strapped, it will have to be with a priest.

The conversation progressed something like this:

Me - "I can't believe you're acting like we didn't have that big talk last night."

Him - "That's not what I'm doing. Why are you making this difficult?"

Me - "I'm not being difficult on purpose, I'm trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel. I think we need counseling. Like, with a priest."

Him - "We don't need a counselor." (he says this with authority, as if the subject is closed)

Me - "How can you say that? We have a problem."

Him - "YOU'RE making it a problem."

Me - "Fine, then I need to see someone."

Him - "GOD, what is WRONG WITH YOU? >ranting, raving<

I won't even go into who he said needed counselors. A few derogatory comments. I guess it would be easy to just live this way, but I refuse to.

When I pressed the counseling issue he told me if I brought it up again he would pack up his things and leave.

 

When I brought up a seperation, he asked if it's because I wanted to go be a whore.

 

So .... I guess .... I feel really alone right now typing in the dark. I loath him so much right now.

If I weren't already emotionally seperated from him, it would really bother me that he's being such an ass.

[ConfusedInOC]

Just my opinion, but....

 

He has a problem with denial.

 

You are offering counseling, which is a good thing, to try and resolve the problem.

 

If he stomps out because you want to get counseling, then let him stomp off. You KNOW you need counseling to at least attempt to fix or at the very least identify the problem.

 

My guess is he will be back. You should put your foot down and say that if there is no counseling YOU will leave.

 

There should be no reason why he doesn't want to go to counseling unless he does not want to face his fears.

[Sal Paradise]

His reaction is understandable. His ego just took a major bruising. Thinking about it and discussing it makes it worse. He is the one being hurt by the discussions not you. I can't think of anything that can bruise a mans ego more than knowing his SO is sexually unsatisfied with him and thinks of other men when they're having sex. Of course he doesn't want to go talk with a counsellor about how he can't please his wife sexually. He feels attacked. He feels as though you're blaming all of this on him.

 

Perhaps some of it is your approach, from what you've written here you seem really bitter toward him, you seem to place most of the blame on him. Its just as much your fault as it is his. You need to let him know that. Give him some time to come to terms with this (at least a week) before you threaten to leave if he won't go to counselling with you. Reassure him that you love him, you want him and thats why you came to him with this before something you would regret did happen. Let him know its not just him, that its your fault as well and you BOTH need to work on things.

 

Also remember, even if he hasn't stated otherwise, 99 times out of 100 if one person is unhappy in the relationship the other person is as well. Perhaps he hasn't come to terms with it but there's a good chance you're not meeting his needs either. In many ways you sound like you're in just as much denial as he is. You're in denial about your role in all of this. At least you've had time to come to terms with it. Its unreasonable to expect him to be where you are after only just finding out all of this. Give the man a frickin' break.

 

One last thing, you have to tell him the name of the guy. If you don't then you're lying to him. Without total honesty the relationship cannot be saved. I know if I was in his shoes I wouldn't stay with you if you didn't give me his name.

[jmargel]

Well of course he doesn't want to talk about it. You are basically making him feel like a huge disappointment. This is what he hears:

 

"Hey babe, the main reason why I am so distant and cold to you is because I think about another guy all the time and think about having sex with him. Let me force it upon you everyday right after work so you feel like a piece of s*it."

 

"Now babe even though I have been doing this to you, this is OUR problem and YOU need to goto counseling with me."

 

Boy, not sure how much lower you can make your husband feel. Reason why he's saying he's an idiot is because he knows there are women out there that will treat him good, and him trusting you that you would never have this infacuatuaion over this other man. Thinking that another guy is good looking is one thing, but when it consumes you it's another.

 

My advice? Goto counseling yourself. Show him it's not him, but then tell him what you are missing from him. Do it in a way that doesn't make him feel small or like a disappointment. Make sure you give him praise, his pride and ego are hurt pretty bad right now.

 

He's trying to ignore the situation because he doesn't want to feel hurt anymore. Yes it goes through his head alot now but to him he wants to be your knight in shining armor. Not some guy that you look over. Guys equate sex with love and that feeling of want. It's just not about 'getting off'. It's about initimacy. It's affirimation that you are still his.

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by cranium

 

 

MW wanting to have sex with someone else hurt me also. MW physically having sex with someone else hurts a whole lot more.

 

 

i don't know that that's true for all people. it's not true for me, i do know that.

 

but i do love your avatar.

[cranium]

SK -

 

I guess what I'm saying is if MW had come to me and told me of her 'sinful thoughts' before acting on them, I would have been devastated, true, but she didn't. We were already in MC and could have worked from there.

 

Now, instead, I get to have these pretty little pictures in my head. An EA is hard enough to deal with, but the added physical really gets me.

[westernxer]

This situation reminds me of Eyes Wide Shut... when she first told him about her desire for another man.

[SunnySG]

I didn't see "Eyes Wide Shut" but I can only imagine.

 

The husband called me at work today - and as usual I was my cold, bitchy, selfish self.

 

"Whatever it is you're doing, Stop it." He said.

 

In some sick way, I don't want to because I want to drive him away. My father called today and wants to set up a meeting so I can tell him what's all going on. I told him I no longer wanted them (my parents) invloved in my marriage. That it was destructive and toxic and only made things worse.

 

My father replies, "Nonetheless, I will call you later and we can meet in a neutral place for coffee. I'm at work so I'll call you later." His take on this is that we're being immature. He compares us to him and my mother who fight over whether or not to buy this house or that one for fun. He blames our problems on money. I know he assumes he will sit me down, tell me what to do, draw up the plan on graph on paper, and pat me on the head.

 

This attempt after my mom's blazing "Do you want to be a divorcee and married to some local looser?" speech.

Translation: "How will I tell people you're getting seperated and my GOD what if you have to move back home? I've told everyone he's going to be a doctor!" The horror.

 

I can live on my own, and quite frankly, I WANT to be on my own. I have NEVER been on my own before. I had always had roomates before marriage, and then it was the husband, and even then WE'VE a roomate or two along the road.

 

I would never leave my husband and go into the arms of this other man. I have too much pride for that, wouldn't be able to live with the speculation, and quite frankley, there isn't another relationship there to begin with.

 

I want my husband to leave, and I want to be alone to sort this out. Why is everyone acting like that's such a sin? My husband says he'll leave, but it will be for good, not just for a month like I had suggested (it's called a Controlled Seperation).

 

And my family, husband ask - "What on earth could you be thinking by going to a couselor? It's all in your head - there's nothing WRONG with you."

 

Well YEAH, it's all in my head.

[Sal Paradise]

I wouldn't give you the month either. You're the one who is thinking of cheating, why do you deserve a month to figure out what guy you want to be with? I would tell you the same thing he did. It sounds like you want what some call a "pause" on the relationship so you can figure out who you want. But in case you decide you don't want the OM you want your husband as a fallback option. I don't blame your husband. Thats insulting to his intelligence to even suggest a month.

 

The more you post the less sympathy for you I have. You sound bitter, you sound like you really don't want the marriage to work out. If you don't want it to work out then leave him and stop tormenting your husband with guilt. You're the one thinking about OM and contemplating cheating and fantasizing about OM. Why should you be given a month?

 

Now I agree that you two should go into counselling but the way you're handling this I can see why he doesn't want to agree to it. I think the person who said you're the one with the problem and should seek counselling on your own is right.

 

I suggest backing off for a bit and letting things calm down. You're causing more damage with your attitude. You need to give him some time to come to terms with this. He didn't have the benefit of months of fantasizing about other men to come to the conclusion that there is a problem in the marriage. Once again I suggest to give the poor man a break. Stop being selfish! Your father is right you're being immature. You say he won't face it and is in denial yet you want a month alone. You're in just as much denial as he.

 

If you want a month alone then leave the house. Why the hell should he leave? Move out, get a divorce and then you can sleep with the men in your fantasies all you want.

[franny]

SunnySG ...i have found someone like me!......you.....you have posted my life! hahahaha!

[mymojo]

As long as you don't act out the fantasy I'd just tell your husband it's no different than watching porn, also tell him his anger and obvious insecurity are quite unattractive and turn you off even futher to the idea of being physically intimate with him.Men make no secret about their lustings for other women if it's ok for them to do so it's okay for us. As long as you follow the "don't touch" rule you've done nothing wrong!

 

heck, you guys got a chance to spice things up here, hubby can pretend to be the other man while you do him.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by mymojo

As long as you don't act out the fantasy I'd just tell your husband it's no different than watching porn, also tell him his anger and obvious insecurity are quite unattractive and turn you off even futher to the idea of being physically intimate with him.Men make no secret about their lustings for other women if it's ok for them to do so it's okay for us. As long as you follow the "don't touch" rule you've done nothing wrong!

 

heck, you guys got a chance to spice things up here, hubby can pretend to be the other man while you do him.

 

Big difference in masturbating to porn and thinking about someone else while you make love to your SO.

[mymojo]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

Big difference in masturbating to porn and thinking about someone else while you make love to your SO.

 

And men,never,ever think of somebody else while having sex with their wives?Men never ever come bounding into the bedroom porn inspired

erection in hand expecting their wives to service them? They do those things all the time and women are told to be "grateful"

or the lovely gem of "it doesn't matter where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home"

 

Well I say it doesn't matter where she gets her appetite as long as she only eats at home"

 

An insecure,jealous man is such a huge sexual turnoff, the guy needs to seek help omho.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by mymojo

And men,never,ever think of somebody else while having sex with their wives?Men never ever come bounding into the bedroom porn inspired

erection in hand expecting their wives to service them? They do those things all the time and women are told to be "grateful"

or the lovely gem of "it doesn't matter where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home"

 

Well I say it doesn't matter where she gets her appetite as long as she only eats at home"

 

An insecure,jealous man is such a huge sexual turnoff, the guy needs to seek help omho.

 

Did I say men never did that in my post? Where in the post did I say or even suggest that? You sound like you're just trying to justify your own behavior and are getting a wee bit defensive.

 

I personally have never fantasized about someone else during sex. I honestly haven't. Not everyone does it nor desires to.

[mymojo]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

Did I say men never did that in my post? Where in the post did I say or even suggest that? You sound like you're just trying to justify your own behavior and are getting a wee bit defensive.

 

I personally have never fantasized about someone else during sex. I honestly haven't. Not everyone does it nor desires to.

 

thinking about others is most likely the only way most people can stomach the thought of yet another sex session with their spouses after they've been married a few years.Familarity breeds disinterest and contempt.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by mymojo

thinking about others is most likely the only way most people can stomach the thought of yet another sex session with their spouses after they've been married a few years.Familarity breeds disinterest and contempt.

 

Most people? If by most people in BAD relationships, then perhaps yes.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by mymojo

thinking about others is most likely the only way most people can stomach the thought of yet another sex session with their spouses after they've been married a few years.Familarity breeds disinterest and contempt.

 

No way! I think you're making yourself believe this because you're so hurt that your husband doesn't want sex with you - but this line of thinking is way off the mark. In a good health relationship/marriage - even after years, there's still a deep bond and connection there..........sometimes it takes work to maintain it. Sounds like you have rather distorted views on sex and intimacy and have maybe never had a good relationship where sex is still a vital part after many years? I feel sorry for you but I guess if it's truly working for you.............though I don't think it is deep down, you are just trying to convince yourself it is. It must be very hard on the self esteem and heart to know that your husband isn't attracted to you sexually.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by shygurl

No way! I think you're making yourself believe this because you're so hurt that your husband doesn't want sex with you - but this line of thinking is way off the mark. In a good health relationship/marriage - even after years, there's still a deep bond and connection there..........sometimes it takes work to maintain it. Sounds like you have rather distorted views on sex and intimacy and have maybe never had a good relationship where sex is still a vital part after many years? I feel sorry for you but I guess if it's truly working for you.............though I don't think it is deep down, you are just trying to convince yourself it is. It must be very hard on the self esteem and heart to know that your husband isn't attracted to you sexually.

 

You nailed it. Deep down she isn't happy, she is convincing herself she is. You can tell by her post she is unhappy. She assumes whats true for her is true for everyone. She has to believe that to protect herself from the pain.