serious insight needed on abuse

[hew]

Hi guys,

 

I really need someone to read this and help me out. Im worried I may be entering an abusive relationship.

 

 

To make a sort of long story short, well I'll try my best. Anyways..

 

 

Ive been in my relationship about 3 months now with someone I've known for the past 7 or 8 years because we went to elementary school and high school together and have always been friends. Anyways, he just moved in with me from about an hour and a half away left his job to come to a new job opportunity and gave up his apartment to come here.

 

Last night I saw a whole new side of him. He was mad at me because he couldn't find his hat I had moved while cleaning. Upon arguing once I had cam home from work, he locked me out on our balcony and only let me in cause i started crying. Then left and said he was going to kill himself. Made comments like "if we lived on a higher floor I wouldn't have to go find a bridge." Called me a c*nt and said too bad I'm not dead. Tried to leave the house with a knife, ended up taking some sort of tool to hurt himself because he came back and showed me the cuts on his arms. Also said it will be my fault the love of my life will have killed himself and tried to climb off the balcony when i tried to get him to stay so he didn't go out and hurt himself. Later in the night when he came back he was sitting outside our building crying, and i tried to comfort him and get him to come to bed he refused, I followed him across the street into the woods where we sat under at tree at 130am.

 

Sorry my story is a little all over the place. Im typing as things as I'm thinking.

 

Do I stay? Is it my fault if I leave? Will I be a terrible person for asking him to find a new apartment.... I also suffer from mental health issues like depression and I'm trying to work on myself. I want to be in a happy and loving and FUNCTIONAL relationship with mutual respect for each other. Is this a red flag? Is this emotional abuse?

 

I feel like Im maybe jumping to a conclusion with asking him to leave, but if this happened once, whats to say it won't happen again? Im just really scared and worried.

[Gaeta]

Honey, here is what you should do. Tomorrow you get up early, you tell your boyfriend that you are heading to the grocery store and you leave. As soon as you're out the door you go to the closest police office an you tell them about all this. Tell them you are afraid and you need help removing him from your apartment. Also call a family member to be with you.

 

Once he is out of your apartment ask a friend or a family member to stay with you or go at their place for a couple of days.

 

This man is dangerous. He is an abuser yes, and one of the worse kind. Don't listen to anything he says. It's just manipulation. Kick him out. It's not your problem if he has no place to go.

[Poppyolive]

What a horrible situation. He is obviously unwell and you're not safe. Locking you out, calling you names then threatening to kill himself, then blame you. He is seriously unhinged. These are the redest of flags. He is not well enough for a relationship with you. You really need to take steps to care for yourself.

 

Between now and the final stage (him moving out) do not entertain his manipulation. Remove yourself from these situations. Don't follow him. If he threatens to kill or hurt himself, tell him you will call the police to get him help. Then you call them to help him. This is way above your scope. I have a feeling he may kick up a fuss by you wanting out of the relationship and him out of the house. You need to carefully plan your move, tell friends, talk to the police. With a friend tell him you want him to move out. If he kicks off call the police. Either way, go stay with a friend for a few days. Then change all locks. Best case scenario is he threatens to kill himself, you call the police and he is admitted. Then you move him out.

 

This could get very very ugly. I'm scared for you

 

Did you really not see any if these signs before? In yotr friendship? His previous relationships? His stories?

 

Carefully plan your steps I wouldn't try to talk to him

[basil67]

Is he using ice or any other drug which would make him go nuts?

[Kics]

You know the answer. You know what happened wasn't right and you want reassurance. What you need to do is leave the guy and cut all communication he sounds like a psycho and he needs help. I hope you leave him and don't waste more of your time with hIim bc it won't end well.

[todreaminblue]

hey hew.....my mother had a bf when she was just a teen, she started to notice that he would try to manipulate her into not leaving telling her he would kill himself..being abusive...calling her names etc..making her feel second rate......he would isolate her from the ones who loved her...her family..her friends...soon her friends drifted away... she was going to join a church and he stopped her from joining ...which is funny because i joined the same church decades later......but anyway....after all these signs...mum held a deep sense of guilt and responsibility towards him(which runs in the family)...mum married him..she fell pregnant straight away...and the baby was born still born....my older brother..and later in the years they were together...he raped her and i was born because of that.....while my mum was pregnant he left her with no food....was sleeping around and gave her a disease....and mum nearly didnt make it herself......all the while she stayed because he threatened to kill himself if she left......

 

then one day my grandpa turned up on mums doorstep because she had rang my nanna asking for food......with tears in his eyes my grandpa told my mum get your clothes you are coming home....and mum did....she left...it took my grandpa to get her out....later mum chucked her rings off the bridge that my father always said he would jump from for closure...and went on to have me in her parents home....got a job as soon as she was able.....and lives her life...and is still kicking.....

 

the moral of the story is....my dad never killed himself not even when my mum left....he was with another woman anyway who he went on to marry....and then got divorced......he manipulated my mum 24 7 he was abusive and calculating......he preyed on my mums gentle heart

 

 

YOU really need to go.....get out.....give up the flat if you have too...stay in a domestic violence shelter until he goes or you can have him removed....talk to family talk to your friends.someone you trust..let them help you

 

dont live your life with manipulation or abuse..or you might end up marrried to it.....its not right...you deserve so much more.....deb

[miafarrow]

Is this guy as drug addict or a psychopath?

 

You can see how someone is at start but people tend to ignore it. Last guy I dated told me he left his gf on 2nd date and that he has a kid with her. He called his kid an idiot and showed me his picture. He told me he gambled away his money and that is how his gf left him. He broke his pohone screen. He had many mood swings.

 

I ran away from that guy... I was acting nice doing my pokerfaace. Saying yes yes.'' What a bitch.. blah blah...

He asked me out 3rd time I said no... but I had to go to that party. I was ready to end it...untill somehow a girl I knew and him asked me to come with them...

You know what he did? Asked me to borrow him money for coke... He was passed. I gave him and manipulated him to get rid of him...

 

At that party I ve met am good guy. His colleague... I fell in love. For a couple of months.

I ended that too.

 

Why?

 

One day he yelled at me when I called him from my business phone. He didn't know it was me. Then he apologised.

 

I was. wtf? That opened my eyes because I ve realised he has withdrawal symptoms. I was right. That's why he is always broke.

 

 

My point I ended up with both of them. Eventhought everybody told me they are great guys. Maybe. But they have tooo much addiction symptoms. If someone can yell at a straanger out of the blue or broke his phone and yell on the street. They can be like that to you too.

 

What you should do now is to leave your house and vanish for a week change your phone number and dont tell this guy anything.

 

Comes back after a week with a bodyguard or a police..'.

[LostOnes05]

Dude either has a serious mental issue or he is just plain bonkers. All of that over a hat? I'd hate to see what he'd do if you burned his steak a little bit. Best to get out and as a parting gift, give him some advice to seek help...sounds like he needs it. Honestly, you probably shouldn't be alone with him. In all seriousness he will probably hurt you if your stay in this relationship. So do yourself a favor and get out of this while you can.

[Downtown]

Said he was going to kill himself.... he came back and showed me the cuts on his arms.... Is this a red flag?

Hew, the cutting and suicide threats are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD. Of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

I therefore suggest you learn how to spot the warning signs for BPD. An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Hew.

[Satu]

You need to get him out of your home asap.

 

Threatening to kill himself is no better than threatening to kill you.

 

You're not safe in his presence.

 

Enlist the support of the police.

 

Get him out of your home.

 

Don't delay.

 

 

Take care.

[spiderowl]

Oh crikey! You need to get him out as soon as possible. Unfortunately, it's not likely to be simple because this guy has serious personality problems. Seek support from friends and family and the police before you tell him to go. You need to know exactly what protection you will have before you take that step. Alternatively, if he is threatening you, call the police as soon as possible and get him removed. You could do this now.

 

This man is a real danger to you. Don't ignore these serious red flags.

Edited May 28, 2016 by spiderowl

[anika99]

Get him out of your apartment. He's not your responsibility and you can't help him. In the future don't let a guy who you have only been dating for 3 months move in with you. That is way too fast.