I'm having trouble with our open marriage

[elaine567]

You've told him you're uncomfortable but he continues to see her when he wants; therefore go back to talking to her husband when you want. He may say it isn't emotional having sex with her but I can guarantee you emotions are involved on her end.

 

...and his too...

No-one can end up have sex daily with a woman and not get somewhat involved. Even twice a week...

 

I think his shutting down your friendship with the husband was a bit cruel in the circumstances.

 

Its all about him, isn't it?

[aliveagain]

Two wrongs don't make a right...

 

I guess it's just something that I have to live with if I want to be married to my husband. I have never expected him to go without sex, I did expect him to be more considerate. I have told him it makes me uncomfortable, but haven't straight out said to stop. I feel like I shouldn't be taking that away from him. It's not cheating, because we agreed to it, but it feels exactly the same as being cheated on. Worse, really, because you can't do anything about it and know it will happen over and over.

 

Just my opinion but if my wife was not able to have sex with me I would be a hell of a lot more understanding and a lot less demanding. Even with my wife's approval a quarterly trip to Vegas, three night stay would be more then enough to keep me satisfied. 3 times a week with other women in my opinion is selfish and abusive to you. I think he is taking advantage of you and the situation. Sending him to Vegas 3 or 4 times a year is more then generous and less personal. I think he is lying to you and himself, the other woman, 3 times a week in my opinion is a relationship.

[sandylee1]

So your husband gets as close as he can physically to the woman, but you aren't allowed to talk to her husband anymore?

 

I think it's unfair that your source of support and another person who understands what you're going through has been cut off.

 

I think the problem is that you haven't let your husband know how you feel. You know and agree to the arrangement ..... but he's stretching it. .... and that's because he's becoming close to the woman and she to him.

 

Perhaps another source of support would be you joining a support group for asexual people who have a one sided open relationship like you do.

 

Maybe it would help if you put your feelings in writing and give to your husband, because you are the only one suffering here .... and her husband.

[elaine567]

So your husband gets as close as he can physically to the woman, but you aren't allowed to talk to her husband anymore?

 

I think it's unfair that your source of support and another person who understands what you're going through has been cut off.

 

I think the problem is that you haven't let your husband know how you feel. You know and agree to the arrangement ..... but he's stretching it. .... and that's because he's becoming close to the woman and she to him.

 

Perhaps another source of support would be you joining a support group for asexual people who have a one sided open relationship like you do.

 

Maybe it would help if you put your feelings in writing and give to your husband, because you are the only one suffering here .... and her husband.

Her husband knows exactly how she feels, and he doesn't really care as long as he gets what he wants.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't know what the answer is. I feel like your husband needs to be more respectful of your feelings. But in a lot of ways it feels like you've agreed to this arrangement but you want to put so many restrictions on it that it can never actually work. If he dates single women then you get paranoid he's going to leave you. He switches to a woman in the same situation as him and you have a problem with the frequency.

 

I don't know if you can have an arrangement like this, and then try to put restrictions on how often it occurs. You either want your husband to be able to have the healthy sex life that he can't with you or you don't... and honestly it sounds like you don't.

[stillafool]

Two wrongs don't make a right...

 

My husband needs intimacy to feel loved and wanted. For a long time he battled with feeling like I didn't want him because I cannot be intimate with him. I can say until the cows come home that sex isn't emotional for him, but that doesn't mean I believe it... I tell myself all sorts of things to make it easier. What he doesn't understand is the feelings that he had about me and her husband aren't half of what I feel every day.

 

 

 

 

You are 24 and your husband is 29. What if he ends up falling in love with this OW and starts to want a family? I would be concerned that his feelings about what he previously wanted may change due to his young age. If you guys were an older couple 40/50's maybe not so much.

[aliveagain]

JRP, I think your husband is taking advantage of your guilt. He is selfish and having an affair right under the nose's of the other husband and yourself. Once a month to clean the pipes out with the help of another woman is more then generous. The rest of the time he can take care of it manually, even a monkey sitting on a rock knows how to do that. Three times a week(that's more then the average that most married couples on here have posted) is an affair and you need to put a stop to that immediately. You need to set up new rules, rules that are acceptable to all 4 of you and not just your selfish husband.

 

If he can bang the guys wife you should be able to date her husband. You and her husband should be able to be in a private place without them just as they are without you. You are hurt because both you and her husband know that you are being taken advantage of.

[oldshirt]

IMHO you are getting raped again but by your husband this time.

[BettyDraper]

JRP, I think your husband is taking advantage of your guilt. He is selfish and having an affair right under the nose's of the other husband and yourself. Once a month to clean the pipes out with the help of another woman is more then generous. The rest of the time he can take care of it manually, even a monkey sitting on a rock knows how to do that. Three times a week(that's more then the average that most married couples on here have posted) is an affair and you need to put a stop to that immediately. You need to set up new rules, rules that are acceptable to all 4 of you and not just your selfish husband.

 

If he can bang the guys wife you should be able to date her husband. You and her husband should be able to be in a private place without them just as they are without you. You are hurt because both you and her husband know that you are being taken advantage of.

 

This. Please stop allowing your husband to have his cake and eat it too.

Open marriages are about respect and boundaries. Your husband is being horribly disrespectful by ignoring the boundaries set for his sexual relationship and denying you the emotional companionship you need.

Open marriages are not supposed to be one sided.

 

I am not trying to be cruel when I say this; I only want you to be aware of a likely outcome: I wouldn't be surprised if your husband and his sex partner decided to be together in the end. He's having frequent sex with her and enjoying a stronger emotional connection with this woman than he has with you. He's also a young man.

 

A divorce would probably be healthier for you in the long run; it seems like you would be happiest with a man who is also asexual.

[sandylee1]

OP,

Realistically, how long do you really think this arrangement can carry on for?

 

Because I feel it's simply a matter of time before he ends up changing what he wanted. Have you thought about him possibly getting another woman pregnant?

 

I just think he's so selfish and jealous to cut you off someone going through the same thing.

 

He gets to spend more and more time with her, but he is pretty self centred.

 

You need to be more assertive and stand up for yourself.

Edited January 12, 2017 by sandylee1
Error

[sandylee1]

He's actually been having sex more than a lot of married couples. That's no longer just a special need being met, that's them missing each other and wanting to see and be with each other more and more.

 

This isn't a healthy situation for you anymore and you'd be better off with a man like her husband.

[oldshirt]

Now that being said, it's not that don't have any empathy for your H.

 

I am a very sexual person and sexuality in a relationship is very important and of a high priority to me so I do understand how difficult this must be for both of you.

 

In general I am ok with open marriages as long as all parties are consenting and all parties have equal rights and full veto power.

 

I agree with the above poster that said a hall pass for periodic trips to a legal brothel in Nevada is one thing.

 

But an alternate life with another woman and then putting the kabosh on your comiseration with her H is IHMO exploitive.

 

I fear the worst in this situation.

 

Regular sexuality will result in deepening emotional investment.

 

His lack of empathy and shortness towards you is a classic sign of transference of attraction and affection to someone else often experienced in affairs.

 

I don't see this situation as sustainable and I do not see this as a solution at all.

 

If all of you were 72 years old and you two had had a long and happy marriage but he still had a bit of mojo left and you were ok with him getting drained on the side now and then so he wasn't bothering you during your favorite TV shows, I'd say 'fine.'

 

But a 29 year old man is not going to be able to live the next 50 years celibate and he is going to want a steady sex partner.

 

And a 24 year old woman is not going to be able to live a life of watching her husband be in love with another woman and watch him go to her all the time.

 

You may have a severe sexual dysfunction now, but you won't be able to live a life without love either and this "arrangment " is toxic and exploitive and is setting back your therapy and raping you twice a week (that you know of) all over again.

 

With time and therapy, your dysfunction can probably be delt with and improved if you were not in this situation. But I think in many ways you are being traumatized over and over again and just making the situation worse.

 

This is worsening your situation not helping it.

[elaine567]

 

My husband needs intimacy to feel loved and wanted. For a long time he battled with feeling like I didn't want him because I cannot be intimate with him.

 

 

This arrangement is NOT sustainable.

He is 29, and he needs intimacy to feel loved and wanted and you cannot provide it.

He is now feeling loved and wanted by another woman.

He is not one of these guys who can separate love and sex.

He ramped up the sex to once a day, because that is what he wants and needs, he wants to feel that closeness with another person.

YOU may feel your marriage is sound, but of course it isn't.

He is somewhere else, somewhere you are not and never will be.

He may or may not have found his soulmate in this woman, but it is only a matter of time...

 

YOU are doing untold damage to yourself here by tolerating this "arrangement", it is killing you.

Maybe in some twisted way you feel you deserve it, but you need to prepare yourself for the worst here. He will eventually find some woman truly irresistible and you will be left all alone.

I suggest you free yourself from the torture, but if you cannot do that then make sure you are ready for the day he doesn't come home and get into that shower.

[BaileyB]

Your story hurts my heart. I'm so sorry for the trauma and the pain that you've experienced.

 

But, as others have said, I fear that this arrangement is contributing to your trauma and pain. It does not sound like a healthy, sustainable, long term solution.

 

I wouldn't be able to do it. Take care of yourself.

[sandylee1]

For 6 months he has been seeing a different woman, who is also in an open marriage that is only open on one side. She has been married to her husband for 15 years and for the last 10 years he has been impotent because of nerve damage. They opened their marriage a few years ago. That relationship (between her and my husband) felt safer because she is only seeing him (so medically it's safer) and she's otherwise happily married (so less chance of feelings developing).

 

My husband and I have usually agreed that he can 'have that need filled' one a week. It was enough for him to be satisfied and I could handle it. Some weeks he would, other's he wouldn't.... he's been doing it more often since she has 'come into the picture

 

He never lies about it, he isn't hiding anything, but the rules are definitely being bent Over the summer it was almost every day[/b]. He wasn't paying as much attention to me which became a problem.

 

We talked about it... He cut back to a couple times a week.

 

It has never happened before, but recently he slipped up and called me her name. Which hurt a lot more than I would have thought.

 

Most likely because he's growing close to her.

 

I've met her husband and it isn't easy for him either. As a man he has a really hard time letting go and letting another man meet his wife's needs, accepting that he can't do that. Meeting him was extremely awkward at first but I realized I could lean on him a bit and he understood, being in the exact same position as me. There were times when we basically swapped spouses. My husband and his wife did 'their thing' and her husband and I just talked.

 

My husband became uncomfortable with it because that had the potential to get emotional,

 

Is there an attraction to him that your husband had a valid genuine concern about in your opinion?

 

 

it made it a little bit easier to handle. I had a distraction, someone to talk to who understood, and it almost felt more balanced.

 

My husband was uncomfortable with me being friends with her husband, so it stopped. He had no problem bending the rules for him though ,going from a few times a month to daily sex then back down to 2x weekly sex, which still bends the rules. I know that's what the other woman wants, if he were to cut back she might involve someone else.

 

Has he said she's the one who wants it more frequently?

 

I love my husband and he loves me. I know if I told him to cut back down to what we agreed to he would. He knows I'm uncomfortable but I will be regardless. It's not the ideal situation for him either, he'd greatly prefer to have sex with me but that's not going to happen. I guess I just feel hurt that he said he was uncomfortable and I stopped immediately no questions, but he hasn't done the same. He cut back, but not to where we originally agreed.

 

Am I expecting too much?

 

I don't think so

 

Trying to make him a mind reader?

Be honest and outright tell him you do find it difficult, but it was made a bit better now with the support

 

Should I just let it go?

 

No

 

been eating away at me lately rather than enjoying our time.

 

Time to try and level things and get more of a balance., but know that it's not going to be a solution to the issue.

Edited January 13, 2017 by sandylee1
Typo

[Mumbles]

Mmm. The best answers imho have been from those who are actually in an open relationship. Its terrifically difficult, probably impossible, to extrapolate an understanding of this type of relationship if you've never had one or are not in one now.

 

I'm in an open marriage and we're coming up on 5 years together, 4 years married. I'd never been in such an arrangement before, though I had multi dated (so to speak) in my younger years.

 

It takes quite some mental conditioning if ones background has not really included this type of thing. Socially inbuilt feelings of jealously easily well up and one really needs to focus on the main game. The main game, in my experience, is whether you love your partner and enjoy building and living life together.

 

The OP's words, both in the OP and subsequent, really talk to me of jealousy and that jealousy is rising to the surface mainly, I think, because of too much information.

 

What I mean by that is this: My wife and I are open and the position is agreed, not implied, however, despite her harbouring a bit of a slut fetish, and me harbouring more than a bit of a cuckold fetish, we don't exchange blow by blow details of encounters to each other. We also don't, generally, make a big point about telling the other that we had sex today, or are going to have sex today with someone else.

 

We also don't, as a general thing, tend to have ongoing long term sex with the 'others'. Sure, we both maintain ongoing sexual relationships with favoured partners, but this doesn't translate into day by day or even week to week encounters, it might mean seeing the same partner a few times a year (maybe say 10 times), but even there, people ebb and flow from your circle, and I don't sex any women now that I first met say 4 years ago.

 

Why is this important? In my view its helps to define the other sexual partners as truly "others". Outside of the bedroom, there isn't any sort of shared life. Of the (very) few men and women who have remained part of our circle over the years we've stopped having sex with them in all cases and its no longer on the cards for those few.

 

The OP has described in just a few sentences only a few posts above some pretty graphic thoughts about the goings on, and yes, I think this naturally occurs, one can't help but imagine whats going on. But you have to let those thoughts wash through you and then dissipate. Its purely jealousy talking and is perfectly natural.

 

To those espousing a trip to Nevada 3-4 times a year for the husband, I don't think that will cut it. People, men and women both, are likely, as a general population statistic, to want/need sexual congress more often than just binge bouts of a week at a time a few times a year. I don't have a particularly high sex drive myself, but what I do have is real and makes itself known to me in no uncertain terms. After 3-4 days I'm thinking a lot, after a week I'm climbing the walls. Masturbation isn't even a close substitute.

 

I'm nearly 50 and have been married before ... have also had my fair share of LTR's before that. My view on relationships now is that both people need to bring things to the relationship table. Theres a list of must haves, nice to haves, and must-not-haves. To make the LTR work one needs to check off a sufficient number of the right boxes. No-one gets to live in utopia, but at the same time, if not enough boxes are checked then we're really talking about friends rather than a relationship.

 

Sex, inside the relationship, imho, doesn't necessarily have to be a deal breaker if there are sufficient other positive boxes being checked. Of course, for most people sex -is- a big deal, but if you find someone who can live without monogamy, and is sufficiently well rounded in other ways (according to your own criteria) then why can't that relationship work? I think theres no reason at all.

 

The OP and her husband clearly love each other. To have had this conversation and lived the life for 5 years is not a display of nothing. What they have is real and why shouldn't it be cherished?

 

However, the OP is also clearly suffering at this point, mainly, I think, because of an active imagination and, doubtless, as time has passed she is feeling more and more emotionally attached to her spouse. All perfectly normal.

 

My guess at this point is that at some stage in the future they will have marital sex together, it may be years away, but I feel its coming. There are trust, safety and historical reasons why its not happening now. All are valid, but as they draw closer to each other over time, perhaps a long time, most of those currently existent reasons will diminish. It can't be forced, of course, but time is a magical thing.

 

Just as with marriage, terms made at the beginning of something need to be reviewed and modified, as fits both personalities as time passes and feelings change. This might be the case now, with the open marriage.

 

It might have worked in the beginning, to be absolutely open, and brutally truthful in the beginning. Maybe less so now? I'm not suggesting dishonesty mind, definitely not. But honestly can include a measure of fuzziness - not everything has to be aired in its most detailed and brutal fashion.

 

I'd suggest, based upon the OP's wildly active imagination of activities going on between her husband and others, that she tone down her 'need' for information - yes, particularly in the beginning, your mind will still naturally flow towards bedroom acts, but again, let it wash through you, move on, don't dwell on it.

 

The OP's marriage is still open, theres an almost certainty that other women are being 'seen', but one doesn't really need to know which days, or for how long, or with whom.

 

From the husbands perspective, I'd move the conversation along to whether or not he can change his method of operation to no longer seeing 1, 2 or 3 women, intensively, and instead see escorts (if its legal) or other 'one time' hookups. I know for my wife and I both its important to us that our emotional lives are together, there are no holidays or overnight romps or extended stays with the other partners. Each and every day we come home to each other and we lead an emotional, bonded and happy couples life together.

[JRP]

Bare with me here, it's 4AM and I really should be sleeping. I think I replied to everyone. If nothing else, it lets me think "out loud".

 

But sexually, you're trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. I get the feeling you'd be happiest if he went to see her every other Thursday at 2:45 pm. Sexual emotion and desire doesn't feel like that, there are peaks and valleys, ebbs and flows. If he's going to be sexual with her and you're going to allow it, you'll have to take that into consideration...

 

You're right. I'd rather there be set times, a couple times a month he does 'the deed' and comes home. No mess, no emotion, like any other appointment. I don't want him to want her or think about her outside of 'their time', but he does. I've never had consensual sex, I don't know what it's like. I don't know the feelings associated with it, the highs and the lows.

 

...and his too...

No-one can end up have sex daily with a woman and not get somewhat involved. Even twice a week...

 

I think his shutting down your friendship with the husband was a bit cruel in the circumstances.

 

Its all about him, isn't it?

 

That's something he doesn't understand. At first he was fine with me spending time with the OW's husband. He didn't have anything to worry about, it's not like we were going to have sex... He started to get jealous that I was spending time with the OW's husband (only when my husband was with his wife), he got jealous when he saw a text from OW's husband (that contained info for a support group he's in), he got jealous when he saw me sitting on the couch talking to him (on opposite ends of the sectional), he got jealous when I mentioned something the OW's husband told me (about something that helps him cope). These tiny, tiny things that mean nothing.

 

Those tiny things were enough for him to decide there shouldn't be any contact between us. There was no intimacy between me and OW's husband at all. My husband is going as far as you can with intimacy and I'm supposed to be ok with that. He doesn't understand that it's 100x worse feeling for me.

 

My husband actually had the same worries that I have. That I'd fall for the husband out of the belief that he's more suited to me, that I'd be happier with him, that he'd treat me better. I'm always scared my husband will meet someone else and leave, because lord knows there are millions of women who would be better for him than me. He has the fear, that I will get tired of dealing with this and find someone like OW's husband.

 

Yet for him, that meant it was ok to cut it off. I'll admit it was nice having OW's husband to talk to and relate to. I didn't feel so alone and the marriage didn't feel so lop sided. All we did was talk, as friends, but it was nice. He is extremely attractive so there was an attraction, but I feel like anyone would be attracted to him. I didn't tell my husband that, but he said "he's way too good looking". OW had no problem with us being friends. She thought they both should "have someone to meet needs their spouse can't".

 

Just my opinion but if my wife was not able to have sex with me I would be a hell of a lot more understanding and a lot less demanding. Even with my wife's approval a quarterly trip to Vegas, three night stay would be more then enough to keep me satisfied. 3 times a week with other women in my opinion is selfish and abusive to you. I think he is taking advantage of you and the situation. Sending him to Vegas 3 or 4 times a year is more then generous and less personal. I think he is lying to you and himself, the other woman, 3 times a week in my opinion is a relationship.

 

I wish that he would be ok with that. If I told him that I need him to stop and do that, he probably would. I know he wouldn't be happy about it. Even on the days he doesn't see her he still masturbates. He's always had a high sex drive. Not the best person for me to choose, as I'm now aware. When I first got with him I thought that we'd be able to work it out and have sex with each other. I've never had consensual sex, I thought I'd be able to do it. I was wrong.

 

So your husband gets as close as he can physically to the woman, but you aren't allowed to talk to her husband anymore?

 

I think it's unfair that your source of support and another person who understands what you're going through has been cut off.

 

I think the problem is that you haven't let your husband know how you feel. You know and agree to the arrangement ..... but he's stretching it. .... and that's because he's becoming close to the woman and she to him.

 

Perhaps another source of support would be you joining a support group for asexual people who have a one sided open relationship like you do.

 

Maybe it would help if you put your feelings in writing and give to your husband, because you are the only one suffering here .... and her husband.

 

I know that if I sat my husband down and explained exactly how I'm feeling and what I want, he'd most likely stop. That wouldn't be fair to him though. I know that I can't expect him to go without sex for the rest of his life. To be honest, I'd love if he could but I know that he can't and I won't ask that of him. I'd like to go back to having less frequent "interactions", and that seems fair as it was working for a long time. He wants to see her more for a reason, and that reason terrifies me. Being left for another woman is always on my mind and always worries me.

 

I do find it unfair that he can have someone who he is extremely intimate with, but I can't talk to someone else. He was uncomfortable with it and I was ok to drop it because I love my husband and care about how he feels. I don't want him to worry about anything, I wish that could be mutual.

 

There is actually a local(ish) support group for people with various sexual dysfunctions, I was going to try it but OW's husband goes there (and was the one to tell me about it) and out of respect for my husband I haven't gone. He hasn't told me not to go, but he also doesn't really know about it.

 

Her husband knows exactly how she feels, and he doesn't really care as long as he gets what he wants.

 

I know that it probably seems like my husband is a dick who doesn't care about me or anything else other than sticking his dick somewhere. It's not true. He's a really good guy and none of this is easy for him either. He'd much rather be with someone he could have sex with. He knows why I can't have sex with him but there is still a part of him that thinks it's because I don't want or love him enough. If he was an ass (or anything less than an amazing guy) he would have left years ago, and been well within his right to do so. He's had so, so many people tell him to just leave me. He knows it hurts me when he walks out that door, I can tell that he feels bad about it. He might miss some things and be oblivious to some things, but he's not a bad guy.

 

I don't know what the answer is. I feel like your husband needs to be more respectful of your feelings. But in a lot of ways it feels like you've agreed to this arrangement but you want to put so many restrictions on it that it can never actually work. If he dates single women then you get paranoid he's going to leave you. He switches to a woman in the same situation as him and you have a problem with the frequency.

 

I don't know if you can have an arrangement like this, and then try to put restrictions on how often it occurs. You either want your husband to be able to have the healthy sex life that he can't with you or you don't... and honestly it sounds like you don't.

 

Honestly, I don't. I don't want him screwing other women. I don't want him being intimate with other women, touching them, kissing them, being closer to them than he is to me. But it's a giant to f-ing bad. I either accept it or divorce him. I do wish there could be more restrictions but, as someone else pointed out, that doesn't work. I agree to the whole process or not at all.

 

You are 24 and your husband is 29. What if he ends up falling in love with this OW and starts to want a family? I would be concerned that his feelings about what he previously wanted may change due to his young age. If you guys were an older couple 40/50's maybe not so much.

 

Him falling in love with her (or someone else) worries me every single day. Every time he is with her I wonder if he's coming home. Every time he's late coming back (from anywhere, even the store or work) I worry that he's not coming back. Every time he is upset or quiet I worry. When he wants to talk I worry. I keep myself up all the time worrying and worrying.

 

Right now, he says he doesn't want kids but that could be untrue or he could change his mind. He is still young enough to change his mind. The OW doesn't have children either. They wanted kids but her husband was injured and it just didn't happen. They could very well decide they want to be together, or be with someone else. It's something that I'm always worrying about.

 

I've always wanted to have kids, though I ended up convincing myself otherwise. My husband doesn't want to adopt, he's seen it fail too many times in his family. I have all the working parts, I could get pregnant without having sex if we did insemination or IVF, but that is something my husband doesn't want to do. Maybe because he really doesn't want kids, or maybe he doesn't want kids with me.

 

This. Please stop allowing your husband to have his cake and eat it too. Open marriages are about respect and boundaries. Your husband is being horribly disrespectful by ignoring the boundaries set for his sexual relationship and denying you the emotional companionship you need.

Open marriages are not supposed to be one sided.

 

I am not trying to be cruel when I say this; I only want you to be aware of a likely outcome: I wouldn't be surprised if your husband and his sex partner decided to be together in the end. He's having frequent sex with her and enjoying a stronger emotional connection with this woman than he has with you. He's also a young man.

 

A divorce would probably be healthier for you in the long run; it seems like you would be happiest with a man who is also asexual.

 

I don't really think he's having his cake and eating it too. That would be him having sex with me and OW. This isn't the ideal scenario for him. I'm trying to be the wife that defends her abusive partner at every opportunity. I just don't want the wrong picture to be painted... He's not 100% happy either. It's a "good enough" solution, but what husband doesn't want to have sex with his wife...

 

I do agree that he should be following the boundaries that we set out. He knows that they are still there and knows that is what I would be more comfortable with. As much as it hurts... he's bending the rules because he wants to. Because he wants to see her. He's bending the rules for her, which hurts a lot.

 

My husband has the same worries I do, that I'll meet someone else (like OW's husband) and leave him for that guy. That's why he shut down me being friends with OW's husband. He's an extremely good looking man, close-ish in age, in the same boat that I'm in, and possibly better suited to me. He is afraid that I'd realize that and leave him. Having talked to the OW's husband, truth is yes I would be happier if my husband was like him. But he's not, and I don't want someone else...

 

I'm terrified all the time that he is going to fall for her or leave me for her. I wouldn't be surprised either... I would be heartbroken and experience every sad and angry emotion possible, but surprised wouldn't be an emotion felt.

 

He's actually been having sex more than a lot of married couples. That's no longer just a special need being met, that's them missing each other and wanting to see and be with each other more and more.

 

This isn't a healthy situation for you anymore and you'd be better off with a man like her husband.

 

The more I talked to her husband and was around him the more I realized that. It was a tiny glimpse at what it could be like being with someone like that, like me. The OW is also more open with her husband than my husband is with me. I don't want to know the details of the "encounters", I guess OW's husband does. He told me some things, from his wife's perspective, that made me feel more uncomfortable. She is attached to him, misses him and thinks about him. She tells her husband that and somehow he handles it.

 

I might be better off with a man like her husband but finding a similar man that I'm also compatible with isn't an easy task. I love my husband, no part of me wants to lose him, so it's not easy thinking about being with someone else.

 

I agree with the above poster that said a hall pass for periodic trips to a legal brothel in Nevada is one thing. But an alternate life with another woman and then putting the kabosh on your commiseration with her H is IHMO exploitive.

 

You may have a severe sexual dysfunction now, but you won't be able to live a life without love either and this "arrangement " is toxic and exploitive and is setting back your therapy and raping you twice a week (that you know of) all over again.

 

With time and therapy, your dysfunction can probably be delt with and improved if you were not in this situation. But I think in many ways you are being traumatized over and over again and just making the situation worse.

 

I'm just going to reply to this bit because I feel like I'm getting very repetitive.

 

I agree that seeing a professional a few times a year would be easier for me. That's not something that my husband is interested in. There is also the stigma of it, but I don't think that's what is holding him back. We haven't really talked about it because he shut it down quickly.

 

Sometimes I have wondered if I was with someone where the were there was no pressure to have sex and no negative feelings towards sex, if things would be easier. It's possible. When I was with the OW's husband there was no thought of sex whatsoever, maybe because we were just friends but also because we both knew it was totally off the table. If I was in a relationship that was always like that, maybe it would be easier to slowly work up to having sex. Right now it's always on my mind and always something that is stressful. The issue there is being with an asexual partner or someone who can't have sex puts me in the same position my husband is in.

 

Right now, every time I look at my husband I think about the OW. I always use to be touching his leg if we were driving, on the couch, laying in bed, etc. On accident, I saw her with my husband once and she was touching his leg and now I can't touch there and think of that every time I look at his legs (which is often, they are legs). It sounds stupid, I know. But I'm his wife and I feel like I'm intruding or I'm losing my rights to him.

 

I don't have a choice. I give part of him away, or all of him.

[BettyDraper]

Bare with me here, it's 4AM and I really should be sleeping. I think I replied to everyone. If nothing else, it lets me think "out loud".

 

 

 

You're right. I'd rather there be set times, a couple times a month he does 'the deed' and comes home. No mess, no emotion, like any other appointment. I don't want him to want her or think about her outside of 'their time', but he does. I've never had consensual sex, I don't know what it's like. I don't know the feelings associated with it, the highs and the lows.

 

 

 

That's something he doesn't understand. At first he was fine with me spending time with the OW's husband. He didn't have anything to worry about, it's not like we were going to have sex... He started to get jealous that I was spending time with the OW's husband (only when my husband was with his wife), he got jealous when he saw a text from OW's husband (that contained info for a support group he's in), he got jealous when he saw me sitting on the couch talking to him (on opposite ends of the sectional), he got jealous when I mentioned something the OW's husband told me (about something that helps him cope). These tiny, tiny things that mean nothing.

 

Those tiny things were enough for him to decide there shouldn't be any contact between us. There was no intimacy between me and OW's husband at all. My husband is going as far as you can with intimacy and I'm supposed to be ok with that. He doesn't understand that it's 100x worse feeling for me.

 

My husband actually had the same worries that I have. That I'd fall for the husband out of the belief that he's more suited to me, that I'd be happier with him, that he'd treat me better. I'm always scared my husband will meet someone else and leave, because lord knows there are millions of women who would be better for him than me. He has the fear, that I will get tired of dealing with this and find someone like OW's husband.

 

Yet for him, that meant it was ok to cut it off. I'll admit it was nice having OW's husband to talk to and relate to. I didn't feel so alone and the marriage didn't feel so lop sided. All we did was talk, as friends, but it was nice. He is extremely attractive so there was an attraction, but I feel like anyone would be attracted to him. I didn't tell my husband that, but he said "he's way too good looking". OW had no problem with us being friends. She thought they both should "have someone to meet needs their spouse can't".

 

 

 

I wish that he would be ok with that. If I told him that I need him to stop and do that, he probably would. I know he wouldn't be happy about it. Even on the days he doesn't see her he still masturbates. He's always had a high sex drive. Not the best person for me to choose, as I'm now aware. When I first got with him I thought that we'd be able to work it out and have sex with each other. I've never had consensual sex, I thought I'd be able to do it. I was wrong.

 

 

 

I know that if I sat my husband down and explained exactly how I'm feeling and what I want, he'd most likely stop. That wouldn't be fair to him though. I know that I can't expect him to go without sex for the rest of his life. To be honest, I'd love if he could but I know that he can't and I won't ask that of him. I'd like to go back to having less frequent "interactions", and that seems fair as it was working for a long time. He wants to see her more for a reason, and that reason terrifies me. Being left for another woman is always on my mind and always worries me.

 

I do find it unfair that he can have someone who he is extremely intimate with, but I can't talk to someone else. He was uncomfortable with it and I was ok to drop it because I love my husband and care about how he feels. I don't want him to worry about anything, I wish that could be mutual.

 

There is actually a local(ish) support group for people with various sexual dysfunctions, I was going to try it but OW's husband goes there (and was the one to tell me about it) and out of respect for my husband I haven't gone. He hasn't told me not to go, but he also doesn't really know about it.

 

 

 

I know that it probably seems like my husband is a dick who doesn't care about me or anything else other than sticking his dick somewhere. It's not true. He's a really good guy and none of this is easy for him either. He'd much rather be with someone he could have sex with. He knows why I can't have sex with him but there is still a part of him that thinks it's because I don't want or love him enough. If he was an ass (or anything less than an amazing guy) he would have left years ago, and been well within his right to do so. He's had so, so many people tell him to just leave me. He knows it hurts me when he walks out that door, I can tell that he feels bad about it. He might miss some things and be oblivious to some things, but he's not a bad guy.

 

 

 

Honestly, I don't. I don't want him screwing other women. I don't want him being intimate with other women, touching them, kissing them, being closer to them than he is to me. But it's a giant to f-ing bad. I either accept it or divorce him. I do wish there could be more restrictions but, as someone else pointed out, that doesn't work. I agree to the whole process or not at all.

 

 

 

Him falling in love with her (or someone else) worries me every single day. Every time he is with her I wonder if he's coming home. Every time he's late coming back (from anywhere, even the store or work) I worry that he's not coming back. Every time he is upset or quiet I worry. When he wants to talk I worry. I keep myself up all the time worrying and worrying.

 

Right now, he says he doesn't want kids but that could be untrue or he could change his mind. He is still young enough to change his mind. The OW doesn't have children either. They wanted kids but her husband was injured and it just didn't happen. They could very well decide they want to be together, or be with someone else. It's something that I'm always worrying about.

 

I've always wanted to have kids, though I ended up convincing myself otherwise. My husband doesn't want to adopt, he's seen it fail too many times in his family. I have all the working parts, I could get pregnant without having sex if we did insemination or IVF, but that is something my husband doesn't want to do. Maybe because he really doesn't want kids, or maybe he doesn't want kids with me.

 

 

 

I don't really think he's having his cake and eating it too. That would be him having sex with me and OW. This isn't the ideal scenario for him. I'm trying to be the wife that defends her abusive partner at every opportunity. I just don't want the wrong picture to be painted... He's not 100% happy either. It's a "good enough" solution, but what husband doesn't want to have sex with his wife...

 

I do agree that he should be following the boundaries that we set out. He knows that they are still there and knows that is what I would be more comfortable with. As much as it hurts... he's bending the rules because he wants to. Because he wants to see her. He's bending the rules for her, which hurts a lot.

 

My husband has the same worries I do, that I'll meet someone else (like OW's husband) and leave him for that guy. That's why he shut down me being friends with OW's husband. He's an extremely good looking man, close-ish in age, in the same boat that I'm in, and possibly better suited to me. He is afraid that I'd realize that and leave him. Having talked to the OW's husband, truth is yes I would be happier if my husband was like him. But he's not, and I don't want someone else...

 

I'm terrified all the time that he is going to fall for her or leave me for her. I wouldn't be surprised either... I would be heartbroken and experience every sad and angry emotion possible, but surprised wouldn't be an emotion felt.

 

 

 

The more I talked to her husband and was around him the more I realized that. It was a tiny glimpse at what it could be like being with someone like that, like me. The OW is also more open with her husband than my husband is with me. I don't want to know the details of the "encounters", I guess OW's husband does. He told me some things, from his wife's perspective, that made me feel more uncomfortable. She is attached to him, misses him and thinks about him. She tells her husband that and somehow he handles it.

 

I might be better off with a man like her husband but finding a similar man that I'm also compatible with isn't an easy task. I love my husband, no part of me wants to lose him, so it's not easy thinking about being with someone else.

 

 

 

I'm just going to reply to this bit because I feel like I'm getting very repetitive.

 

I agree that seeing a professional a few times a year would be easier for me. That's not something that my husband is interested in. There is also the stigma of it, but I don't think that's what is holding him back. We haven't really talked about it because he shut it down quickly.

 

Sometimes I have wondered if I was with someone where the were there was no pressure to have sex and no negative feelings towards sex, if things would be easier. It's possible. When I was with the OW's husband there was no thought of sex whatsoever, maybe because we were just friends but also because we both knew it was totally off the table. If I was in a relationship that was always like that, maybe it would be easier to slowly work up to having sex. Right now it's always on my mind and always something that is stressful. The issue there is being with an asexual partner or someone who can't have sex puts me in the same position my husband is in.

 

Right now, every time I look at my husband I think about the OW. I always use to be touching his leg if we were driving, on the couch, laying in bed, etc. On accident, I saw her with my husband once and she was touching his leg and now I can't touch there and think of that every time I look at his legs (which is often, they are legs). It sounds stupid, I know. But I'm his wife and I feel like I'm intruding or I'm losing my rights to him.

 

I don't have a choice. I give part of him away, or all of him.

 

You DO have a choice! You can stand up for yourself and refuse to be involved in a "lopsided marriage." "Defending an abusive spouse" is a very apt phrase to describe your situation. A good man wouldn't be emotionally abusive. He wouldn't try to control interactions which help you feel better about your situation, while he can have sex with another woman as much as he wants. The problem is the "love" you have for your husband is based on the fear of losing him so you can only sacrifice your emotional well being. That's not what real love is about.

 

Do you truly believe that your husband isn't enjoying this? He gets to have sex with another woman as much as he wants regardless of the boundaries you two have set. He also gets to dictate whom you receive emotional support from. Why wouldn't your husband appreciate a wife who allows herself to be treated poorly so that he can have his fun? He can bend the rules partly because you have taught your husband that he take advantage of your low self esteem.

 

It's very common for women to make painful sacrifices at the expense of men. This is because many of us have been socialized to define ourselves by our relationships and also be accommodating. Sadly, predatory men will take advantage of women who do not love themselves. It appears that your husband is far more important to you than you are to him. What are you getting out of your marriage when your husband doesn't even respect you? His actions show that you are not a priority.

 

Look, I mentioned that I am a sexual abuse survivor. Some of my past relationships make me shake my head. I know how it feels to believe that you don't deserve any better because of the abuse. Talk to your therapist about your codependence and difficulty with loving yourself.

[Mumbles]

You're right. I'd rather there be set times, a couple times a month he does 'the deed' and comes home. No mess, no emotion, like any other appointment. I don't want him to want her or think about her outside of 'their time', but he does. I've never had consensual sex, I don't know what it's like. I don't know the feelings associated with it, the highs and the lows.

 

Ok. We're all different. I don't feel this way with my wifes 'appointments'.

 

I'm getting mine, on the side so to speak (though above board, not covert), but even so, jealousy I think is quite natural regardless. Its how you act on it that makes the difference.

 

I wouldn't be happy to be at home with the wife, she gets a phone call and then disappears for a romp for a few hours. Honesty and agreement, on both sides, doesn't mean one can't act with discretion.

 

This is not his fault, nor yours, you've had the discussion and agreed a set of parameters. Thats fine for as long as it remains fine. When its no longer fine, like now, then review is in order. More in a moment.

 

 

That's something he doesn't understand. At first he was fine with me spending time with the OW's husband. He didn't have anything to worry about, it's not like we were going to have sex... He started to get jealous that I was spending time with the OW's husband (only when my husband was with his wife), he got jealous when he saw a text from OW's husband (that contained info for a support group he's in), he got jealous when he saw me sitting on the couch talking to him (on opposite ends of the sectional), he got jealous when I mentioned something the OW's husband told me (about something that helps him cope). These tiny, tiny things that mean nothing.

 

Those tiny things were enough for him to decide there shouldn't be any contact between us. There was no intimacy between me and OW's husband at all. My husband is going as far as you can with intimacy and I'm supposed to be ok with that. He doesn't understand that it's 100x worse feeling for me.

 

Righto. Whilst I don't think your husbands reaction is unusual, it does smack of double standards. He might realise this, or he might not. The thing is, in your open marriage arrangement, its open -both- ways right? You could, your own history aside for a moment, go and have sex with this husband if you (and he) so desired... right?

 

The thing is, as a couple, your open marriage has thus far been one-sided open ... your husband hasn't yet had to deal with the knowledge, the real honest to god knowledge, that your body has played host to a foreign penis (amongst other things!). Even in fully functional working open marriages, this is a hurdle you have to cross as a participant.

 

Every relationship is different, certainly open relationships need to be moulded to fit the personalities of those involved. I don't go through my wifes phone, she leaves mine alone too. Theres nothing in there that, honestly now, you'd really want to see. We don't text and talk to our sex partners whilst we're together - because, _we're together_. Our time is our time, just that.

 

And you see, theres the rub, and its where a lot of things can go wrong. Sex, just for sex, doesn't take a lot of time or commitment from either party. You're not building a relationship here. Honestly now, 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2 hours max, meet, greet, talk about the weather and then into it. Kiss on the cheek, enquire about each others lives for 5 minutes, then back to 'real life'.

 

Some open couples do have a 'veto' agreement included. Some people are, or become, off limits. But I don't understand this really. Why? What does one think is really going to happen?

 

 

My husband actually had the same worries that I have. That I'd fall for the husband out of the belief that he's more suited to me, that I'd be happier with him, that he'd treat me better. I'm always scared my husband will meet someone else and leave, because lord knows there are millions of women who would be better for him than me. He has the fear, that I will get tired of dealing with this and find someone like OW's husband.

 

This type of thinking is destructive. Even if you both were not in an open marriage if you harbour these sorts of thoughts its jealously gone mad. There is always, ALWAYS, someone more beautiful, richer, fitter, taller, smaller, bigger penis or boobs, younger, older, more or less mature, etc, etc, etc. The world is stacked to the brim with people who, when looked at superficially, would appear to be a better match (or a better catch!), than you or he ... but the reality of a couple is their 'whole' together, not individual bits and pieces.

 

People stick together because they are happy with their partner, not because they haven't seen anyone more beautiful today.

 

 

Yet for him, that meant it was ok to cut it off. I'll admit it was nice having OW's husband to talk to and relate to. I didn't feel so alone and the marriage didn't feel so lop sided. All we did was talk, as friends, but it was nice. He is extremely attractive so there was an attraction, but I feel like anyone would be attracted to him. I didn't tell my husband that, but he said "he's way too good looking". OW had no problem with us being friends. She thought they both should "have someone to meet needs their spouse can't".

 

He's still seeing the wife of this man right? If so, tell your husband that his veto, if you've agreed to veto's (which it appears you have, even if implicitly) isn't fair. If you can't see this man, then, well, fairs fair, he can't see the wife. Hopefully it won't come to that, he'll see the basic unfairness and relent.

 

Then, on 'date night' or whatever you're calling it, you spend time with the husband, away from your house, or his, doing whatever it is that you want to do ... literally anything ... including sex if that presents (I know from your words you won't do this, but regardless, open is open, and choices are up to the participants).

 

 

I wish that he would be ok with that. If I told him that I need him to stop and do that, he probably would. I know he wouldn't be happy about it. Even on the days he doesn't see her he still masturbates. He's always had a high sex drive. Not the best person for me to choose, as I'm now aware. When I first got with him I thought that we'd be able to work it out and have sex with each other. I've never had consensual sex, I thought I'd be able to do it. I was wrong.

 

From what you've said I agree. It seems like your husband really loves you and is willing to make compromises as required. No sex at all though, I agree with you again, that can't work, so best not to go there.

 

I reckon your arrangement is quite mature and makes a lot of sense. The sticking point here, I feel, is that as I've said above, you've had to deal with the very natural feelings of jealousy, which we all have to go through when open arrangements happen, but husband has not had to deal with the same.

 

He knows himself. He 'knows' he loves you and won't leave, so he's perfectly comfortable with the arrangement. You also know yourself, again, you're not likely to just up and leave in favour of this other womans husband. If you were having sex with other men hubby would simply have to deal, and its never going to be easy (as you've experienced yourself). But loving couples with such an arrangement -do- deal, they get there, it just takes care and sympathy.

 

The short of it is this: You don't get to pick and choose his lovers, he, likewise, can't reasonably expect to choose yours. Your 'men' may not be lovers, sure, but in an open marriage, thats going to work as one, you can't make these sorts of calls. Before you know it, everyone is being veto'd and at that point we're talking about a different beasty entirely.

[Mumbles]

I'm not sure I completely agree with this point of view. It certainly does paint a _possible_ scenario, but not at all the most likely one.

 

This arrangement is NOT sustainable.

He is 29, and he needs intimacy to feel loved and wanted and you cannot provide it.

 

At any age I think we want love and intimacy. Certainly sex is intimate, in the physical sense, but for those of us who do have multiple partners I think most would agree that there is a marked difference in the perception of intimacy with other people compared to ones spouse.

 

Now, certainly, being unable to be physically intimate is a significant challenge, no doubt about it. Physical intimacy builds emotional intimacy, absolutely. But physical intimacy can take many many different forms. The OP has mentioned that in the past she's been fond of touching or stroking her husbands leg (for example). Sounds like a small thing, but, intimate gestures can often be very small, yet have huge meaning.

 

 

He is now feeling loved and wanted by another woman.

He is not one of these guys who can separate love and sex.

He ramped up the sex to once a day, because that is what he wants and needs, he wants to feel that closeness with another person.

 

Well, I'm really not sure about that. How do you know he's feeling loved by the other woman? Wanted? Probably, in the physical sense, or she wouldn't be doing anything, but love? It doesn't at all follow necessarily.

 

Likewise, you can't know that husband can't separate love and sex. He's previously ramped up the sex with this women because he's felt a sexual connection to her. This can happen, but doesn't speak to the future at all. It can subside as quickly as it begins. I've had some tremendously erotic encounters with some of the ladies I've seen, yet taking it further than that hasn't entered my head for even a second.

 

YOU may feel your marriage is sound, but of course it isn't.

 

This just isn't a fair comment. A working relationship, thats going to last the test of time is _way_ more than simply how well you bump uglies. People who marry for sex alone would be doing themselves and their partners a favour by simply not marrying at all.

 

Yes, certainly, sex can build intimate bonds that can really help build a LTR. I think theres little doubt of that. But its not the only way forward.

 

 

He is somewhere else, somewhere you are not and never will be.

He may or may not have found his soulmate in this woman, but it is only a matter of time...

 

Again, this assumes that sex, alone, releases the soul and binds you, immediately, to the provider of that sex. It can happen ... its within the realms of possibility, but most with any sort of sexual history would surely tell you they've had 'better' lovers in the past, compared to their now spouse.

 

But, certainly, I'd agree that there is inherent danger here. Doesn't matter much if a new 'love' isn't going to last the distance - it only matters if it destroys the current relationship. But this inherent danger is why I'd advocate not spending too much 'date night' time with other lovers.

 

If the intent is not to form an LTR with these other sexual partners, then why put yourself into a situation where you start to build up a 'relationship', or significant shared history ... and so on and so forth.

 

YOU are doing untold damage to yourself here by tolerating this "arrangement", it is killing you.

Maybe in some twisted way you feel you deserve it, but you need to prepare yourself for the worst here. He will eventually find some woman truly irresistible and you will be left all alone.

I suggest you free yourself from the torture, but if you cannot do that then make sure you are ready for the day he doesn't come home and get into that shower.

 

On the damage to yourself. Well, maybe. Situations and agreements need to be regularly reviewed. As I said in a previous post. These things are good until they are no longer good. When they are no longer good then review and change needs to happen.

 

Just because the OP agreed to an open marriage 4 years ago doesn't mean she's stuck with it for life. Life changes, feelings change, circumstances change. Agreements, interpersonal ones, need to be flexible. It sounds like the couple here have decent comms channels with each other. I'm very hopeful.

 

Of course, theres trouble ahead if the OP wants to end the open arrangement and yet still isn't comfortable, in herself, to fill the void created. But she has been at great pains to point out that she's quite aware of how unrealistic and, frankly, unfair that would be. Doesn't mean that a variation in the arrangement, or even a new arrangement can't be made though.

 

I've been pretty clear in what works for my wife and I. It not a template of course, different strokes for different folks, but it works for us. With only a couple of exceptions I don't see a lady more than 2-3 times. If I meet (or my wife meets) an interesting person who has more to offer us than simply sex, then, they become part of our circle of friends, but the sex stops. Its not as big of a deal as it might sound at first hearing, because sexual partners abound, they are everywhere, so the loss of one (who then becomes a friend) simply opens the door to new possibilities and new people.

 

However, something troubles me about a specific experience that the OP has relayed to us. That she noticed the married lady touching her husbands leg. It might have been innocuous, but you've really got to be so careful, and respectful, when in the company of others.

 

This small gesture shows a lack of respect by the other wife and imho this particular couple should probably be let go. Its run its course and could be leaning towards something else, which can be easily headed off, but you have to remain aware and vigilant.

[elaine567]

He's still seeing the wife of this man right? If so, tell your husband that his veto, if you've agreed to veto's (which it appears you have, even if implicitly) isn't fair. If you can't see this man, then, well, fairs fair, he can't see the wife. Hopefully it won't come to that, he'll see the basic unfairness and relent.

 

Then, on 'date night' or whatever you're calling it, you spend time with the husband, away from your house, or his, doing whatever it is that you want to do ... literally anything ... including sex if that presents (I know from your words you won't do this, but regardless, open is open, and choices are up to the participants

 

You appear to have missed the whole circumstances behind this "open" arrangement.

The OP cannot have sex due to a traumatic experience for which she has gone through years of counselling none of which has helped.

 

This is no ordinary open marriage this is a one sided "forced" open marriage. The OP doesn't want an open marriage, she agrees only to keep her husband. She is sacrificing herself.

Her husband says he needs intimacy to feel loved and needed, she cannot give him that.

That is why this is unsustainable as the "bond" that keeps a couple together despite sampling other delights in an open marriage, is not here in this case.

He has gone to this woman not for "extra" or some spice, he has gone to this woman for "everything"and as he is supposedly not a man who can separate emotion and sex, then he will walk at some point, into the arms of a woman who will want to give him "everything". The OPs "sacrifice" will ultimately be for nothing.

It may or may not be this particular woman, but things have escalated from the need for "release" once in a while, to daily sex. He is slowly but surely moving away from the OP, and unfortunately she has nothing to offer to entice him back.

She needs to extricate herself from this horrible situation, so she can get back into the real world and form bonds with people like this woman's husband.

If she stays with this man, she will become more and more isolated whilst he will pay her less and less attention as his real focus is elsewhere.

She needs to break free asap.

[LookAtThisPOst]

We don't have sex/QUOTE]

 

You made a mistake by even in such a situation. It's not even an "open" relationship if he's not having sex with you, but with others.

[aileD]

There's a lot I didn't read, so forgive me if my comments are repetitive or missing the mark.

 

my husband and I in our distant past have been in swinger type situations. Not an open marriage but some of the same rules apply. And one was if either one of us was uncomfortable with a certain person then it would stop.

 

Youve seem to resigned yourself to the open marriage. But it seems that your husband has been getting closer to this one woman.

 

Why can't you just veto this woman? Just like he vetoed the husband. He can go find someone for 2x a months again. Why can't he pay for it that way you know it's only professional? It doesn't have to be someone who he sees often enough to call you by her name

 

Veto this woman now.

 

Don't resign yourself to an asexual life just because you had brutal trauma inflicted upon you. Continue to work at it and keep trying. Honestly in this open marriage you are having more negative reinforment that sex is a painful thing and it's not helping you get out of that mindset and truly heal.

[aileD]

We don't have sex/QUOTE]

 

You made a mistake by even in such a situation. It's not even an "open" relationship if he's not having sex with you, but with others.

 

No, it's an authorized affair

[BaileyB]

I would argue that it sounds like an intimate relationship is developing between her husband and this other woman. And this, is why OP is concerned... They may be married, but having daily sex with another woman would naturally lead to very strong and intimate feelings... They are essentially developing a very intimate relationship.